Peaks and Valleys

A new dawn arises and the journey begins again. As with most things there are peaks and valleys. I've certainly had my share on this journey. There is much growth and many blessings along the way. I muddle through the days, weeks and sometimes months when I cannot fully identify my feelings let alone put them into words. Silent screams are skillfully etching their way into existence through scared flesh and failing health. I scarcely allow myself to believe these days will soon pass. It is in moments like this when I thank God for gifting me the ability to give voice to that which lies deep within. 

I am grateful, I am humbled, I am hopeful, and I am not alone.

A few months ago I was talking to a dear friend. One who like me struggles with her weight. She's not had a lifelong struggle with food addiction though the struggle she does have feels like a lifetime. Many changes have happened over the years. Her health has take a turn for the worse, so now she finds herself in a fight for her life. She teeter totters between lifestyle changes and surgery. I encourage her to take on lifestyle changes. A quick fix like surgery where a large amount of weight is lost in an fairly short amount of time is not the way to go for someone who has not developed the ability to make the necessary healthy choices to get to and maintain a healthy weight.

I've spent the past few months encouraging my friend to take steps, even baby steps towards a healthier lifestyle. She pretty much fought me ever step of the way. I pull back and try again later. Finally something changes. She calls me to tell me that God has spoken to her. He told her it was time to let go and let Him do His will for her. Through tears she apologizes for giving me such a hard time and vows to do better as she continues to listens for the voice of God. I could not have been prouder, giving God praise and thanksgiving throughout the day.

It wasn't long, maybe a few weeks, before she calls to tell me about her doctor's appointment and her weight loss. Wow! She's doing really well. Keep up the good work, I say. A couple more weeks after that conversation she calls again to tell me of an even more significant drop in weight. Hmmm, I am happy for her, but not as happy as I should be. Self doubt creeps in as I question my own efforts. Yeah, I'm loosing weight, but not nearly at the rate she is. The green eyes of envy are present and accounted for. I sink into depression.

It's times like this that make me really hate being human.

Why do I feel this way? She has every right to be happy about her progress. She deserves it just like I deserve being happy about my progress. So, why am I not so happy anymore? I'm feeling defeated compounded by guilt for feeling defeated when I should be celebrating triumph with my friend. At a loss, I crawl into my hole and begin to lick my wounds. Silence has taken over again.

I emerge feeling somewhat better yet still bitter and I begin to write. As I write, I pray for passion though I'm loosing what little passion I have for the cause. I ask God to take away the heaviness of my heart having no intention of ever sharing what I really feel. Funny, God had something else in mind. He lessoned the heaviness in my heart and He rekindled my passion for writing, but He will not allow the screams to be silenced. No matter what I write, how upbeat I want to be, or how much I try to encourage, it is all for naught until I come clean; sharing my truth in it's entirety.

Here it is... I'm a little pissed off that my friend is loosing weight faster than I am and she seems to be doing it so effortlessly now that she's making some effort. I on the other hand have been fighting this fight for almost 4 years and have not lost as much as she has in a few weeks. Am I jealous...YES. I know I shouldn't be nor do I want to be. I just am. This too shall pass like every other negative thing in my way. I'm always waiting for something to pass. My life is filled with stop and goes...yes and no's, please and thank you and whatever else get's me through the day.

I look in the mirror to see only a little change, though I'm exercising nearly everyday. My pantry is filled with  healthy foods and fresh veggies that I prepare daily. They are accompanied by lean meats, whole grains, fresh fruits, a little healthy fat and of course my daily vitamin. I pray every morning, every night and throughout the day for strength to keep it up. And then... She makes it look so easy.

[Breathe]

I needed to get that off my chest. Now that I've had my rant I also want to say that I realize my journey is a long journey. I am 50 and have been suffering with an eating disorder for over 40 years. It's not going to change overnight. I know this.

Reality...

My metabolism is nearly dead, well very low. The fact that I have been able to and continue to lose weight is nothing short of a miracle. At my worse, I gained 100 pound in less than a year because the binging was so severe. Most of that weight is gone. I'm several pounds away from the weight I was before that dreadful year. I have been blessed beyond and back.

So what if I feel a little stupid for being jealous. I'll get over that. Just like I've gotten over so many other things. The truth is, no matter what my truth is in that moment I need to own it and move past it. The lesson I learned today was to never allow a momentary blur take away all of the progress I have made. Nor will I allow it to stop me from encouraging a loved one who needs it.

I recognize my blessings and I move forward in them. One step at a time, one day at a time, one triumph at a time.

Peaks and valleys will always come and go. What's most important? Not so much the fight it takes to get from one point to the other as it is to recognize what the peaks and valleys offer. They offer vital information and the growth needed to sustain us. Peaks and valleys force us to take pause, make mental check lists, reflect and deflect, regroup and get prepared for the next phase of our journey.

Galatians 5:22 (KJV) - But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

Romans 5:3-4 (NIV)

³ Not only so, but we^[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope.

I release the jealousy and envy I once had regarding the weight loss of my dear friend. I will celebrate her triumphs and mine.

I pray for the strength to continue and the ability to endure.

1...2...3 Swallow - April 3, 2014

Having a new found understanding of my unwillingness to eat sufficiently during the day has given me cause to change my game plan. Up until now, my focus was on eating a little something 3 times a day if possible. On rare occasions I may also include a daytime snack. Those efforts have fizzled for me again. I'm not worried about this. As I've stated before, beating myself up about short comings is fruitless and leads to forbidden paths. It's better to work on maintaining a healthy outlook on the progress I'm making:


1. I am making efforts daily to have a healthier relationship with food.
2. Even though it's difficult, I do consciously eat something everyday, even if it's a small amount.
3. I am not craving night feeds and sweets are almost out of my diet. This is huge!!
4. I continue to fight off denial by being completely honest with myself in that which I am aware.
5. I have assessed my discomfort, a desire to change, purpose of self discover and need for commitment. Not only have I processed these issues in my mind, I'm actively working on them as well.
6. As I purge my thoughts, memories emerge.
7. I am able to identify some of the root beginnings to my problems.
8. I remain patient with myself in moments of self-doubt.
9. I remain humbled by this process and the encouraging comments that I've received so far.
10. I am slowly peeling back the layers revealing a way inside.
11. I have embraced the truth about my not being fully committed to myself in the healing process and making strides to change.
12. In the midst of discomfort associated with embracing myself, I am managing to find ways to show myself love.


To my friend who faithfully comments on my posts. No, I did not realize how well I've been doing until you brought it to the surface. I was feeling as though I were sinking, not drowning, but wondering which way to go from here. Thank you for pointing out the stages of my progress.


1...2...3 swallow. I chew my food thoroughly and then I swallow. There was no joy in eating today. Just the mechanics of chewing and swallowing, sensation of being full...finished. I don't expect to enjoy eating every time. I'm grateful for the times I am able to enjoy meals. It's not often, but that's okay. I'm going to have to tough this out. If going through the motions is what it takes for me to get over this hurdle...so be it. I asked myself if what I've been doing is working for me. No, it isn't. If something doesn't work...leave it…time for a change of plan. Instead of waiting for or provoking physical cues, I am setting a scheduled time to eat. No room for excuses...just eat. At this point it does not matter how much I eat, only that I become accustomed to eating on a schedule. Once I'm able to get my mind to accept the schedule, then I will work on slowly increasing my intake. I believe it will be easier to adhere to a time as opposed to a sensation.


This morning was stressful, but I did manage to eat a pack of cheese crackers for breakfast. Lunch was around 1pm. I had a fish sandwich, fries and an orange drink. I thought about ordering one of those little baked pies, but quickly dismissed the thought. No need for extras. For dinner I had 3 scrambled eggs with cheese, chicken and toast. I ate dinner around 7:30pm, still wasn't hungry, but ate anyway.