July 7, 2014

Greetings everyone! I hope you all had a lovely break over the weeks end.

I've been thinking about you all quite a bit. I don't know your stories or even if many of you have experienced some sort of eating disorder or even addition. Whatever your story, I hope that you are well. I hope that I have been able to share something meaningful to you. And I totally understand if you don't wish to share your thoughts here. Having any kind of addiction or ED can be very difficult to talk about.

I've been talking to people around ED a lot lately, more so than ever before. I guess the main thing is my desire to encourage them to try healthier measures for dealing with pain. As I talk with other people, I find that my mind continues to explore all the facets of the roots to this long-term problem of mine. At first I found it a bit redundant to continue revisiting past questions, that is...until it started paying off. I've discovered there are many layers to how and why my ED developed. Layers that I did not recognize before, but make so much sense. Filling in the gaps, I believe is what I'd call it.

In earlier posts, I wrote about the beginning of the development of my NES desperately needing to be comforted by something that seemingly would not hurt me as I had fallen into a world filled with hurt and shame...a world without escape.

I discovered another thing about myself. I needed to feel some sense of control. I had not control over any aspect of my life including my own emotions, but I could control my eating during the day and relished the planning of eating at night. Does this sound familiar to any of you? In addition to the need to have some sort of control I also had a strong desire to be heard, to be recognized, to be seen as human. I wanted my parents to see me hurt myself. I wanted to show them see how much I hated what they wanted of me. I did everything to destroy the perfection they sought. Then too, maybe they'd feel sorry for me and feel something for me other than hate, but they didn't. How could they? What I was doing was fueling their fire. I made them hate me even more for my rebellion against their desires. Even still, I thought my parents would have some measure of sympathy for me if the pain were self inflicted. Instead they just let it happen. There was probably some measure of satisfaction watching me starve myself in the interest of loosing weight. No wonder their outrage when I stepped on a scale to find that I had gained weight instead.

I try not to dwell on my situation too much. I'm not trying to draw negativity or be depressed. What I hope for is to be able to see the bigger picture. I need to confront all of my demons. As I've said before and will continue to say...The recovery process required more than simply addressing the undesired behaviors it required digging deep and find the root cause for the behaviors. That is when the healing begins.

So I guess the question is... What have I done with my new found self discovery? Well, what I have done so far is to recognize that I need to find healthier ways to cope with my pain. Writing this blog is certainly one of them, but I believe that I need a few more healthy options. Also, this new discovery of self had lead to me assessing my relationships and why they exhaust me. I'm exhausted by my relationships because I was fulfilling a need to be heard on a level that I could manage. I'd even go so far as to say that I played a roll that was conducive to my need to be needed. And the biggest part of that fulfillment was to stand on my soap box and command my audience. How lame is that?

My need to be heard and my need to be needed was my new way of self soothing. All the while, I was still binging and starving, but my physical needs were no longer noticeable. It was my emotional need that took precedence. Perhaps that is why denial of the physical element of my ED came so easy.

I am proud to say that I am no longer the pompous blowhard and self proclaimed therapist that I was. My relationships are different. I will admit, I've lost some friends along the way, but it's okay. Those relationships were poison. For the few who stayed and the new arrivals, I try my best to be a much better friend. I strive to be a better listener, but not one who hones in on others problems, just to listen, simply for the sake of listening because we all have a right to be heard. I speak more, not to offer advice, but to share life experience and to encourage. I am working on not judging those who's opinions are different from mine. I seek healthy exchanged...give and take. Friendships should never be one-sided. I'd like to post more on the subject of friendships/relationship. Do you think that would be something you'd be interested in reading about?

There may be times that we find ourselves wanting to pull away from those we see as negative or at least contributors to our negativity only to find that we land in the lap of another who is equally or even more negative than the last. Perhaps it is not recognizable because it's a different kind of negative. Doesn't matter, a negative is a negative and it all feels the same.

My eating has been pretty good. I won't say that I've been very timely during my daytime eating, but I am eating healthy, whole meals in appropriate portions. I am back to eating a pre-measured night time snack each night. There are some nights that I really want to eat more and sometimes I do, but it's not out of control like it once was. I am completely aware of my actions. I am a work in progress, but I am making improvements.

Also, I continue to feel better about myself. I continue wanting to embrace myself and see myself with my own eyes which is working for me. I am able to stand up for myself better. I can voice when something makes me feel uncomfortable. I've noticed that a few of my longtime friends don't like the recent changes in me. These are the friends that are accustomed to feeding into my need to be needed as well as feeding their need to be heard. They're fighting to reclaim center stage and they may have it, just not with me. It feels good to be freed from another chain that binds. It feels real good...

Behavior and Emotional Patterns - April 27, 2014

 
I can't get yesterday's post out of my head. I keep thinking about all of the negative encounters I've had over the years, encounters that never really registered with me in my conscious mind. My conscious mind was always hyper focused on my parents and male members of my family. They too were a threat. There was always the threat if being exposed to illicit behavior. I don't know what it is like for boys, the way things are I would image it's equally as bad for boys as it is for girls. There is little safety from predators whether they are known or not.


There are so many negatives around us that we see as normal, but they are not or at least they should not be the norm. There was a post on face book a few weeks ago. It was a picture of a beautiful woman and a caption. The caption talked about how girls are almost never exposed to women having a positive self-image. No truer words have been said. When I think about the adult women in my childhood, there was never talk of being happy with any part of their body. Something was always wrong. If those women had access and resources to fix everything that they thought wrong with them, they would have ended up being completely different women. Their negative self-image was also reflected on me and my weight gain. Never mind, what the root cause of my weight gain was...lets point out everything that is wrong with this little girl. How many times have I heard, "You have such a pretty face, if only you could lose weight."


Negativity can come from any and all sources. I have had friendships where we did nothing other than smoke cigarettes, drink pepsi and talk about all the terrible things that happened in our lives. We did this daily. There are countless aunts and cousins that took great pride in telling me what all they thought was wrong with me and my personal style. Then there's my cousin, who was my best friend. I talked about her in yesterday's post. Why am I bringing this up? Because we...and I'm really preaching to myself right now...need to be aware of the negativity that we absorb or have absorbed on a daily basis. Being aware of this will help to identify many roots to our own behaviors and thought patterns.


There is something to be said about being raised in an environment where one feels wanted, loved, safe and nurtured. I personally don't know what it's like to be raised in this sort of environment, but my son does. When I look at him I see so many similarities and yet so many differences. Our similarities are linked by general behaviors and some character traits. Our differences are more noticeable; when my child simply moving about the house, I see that he has a sense of belonging, even a since of ownership in his movements. I did not have this level of comfort in my childhood home. The home belonged to my parents. I was a dweller, not an owner of anything. My son moves through the house with such certainty. He feels comfortable in his own skin and participates in life without judgment. He knows there are consequences for wrong behaviors, but it's not the end of the world. We will talk and if necessary a restriction may be applied. Despite a punishment being in place he knows that he is loved and he continues to move through life fearlessly. I still weep when I think about it. Why couldn’t I have had a life like that? I don't know if these are things one would typically notice, but do try noticing your child's natural behaviors. Think about your own natural behaviors when you were their age. Are there similarities? Take note of the differences and similarities in your life structure and the life structure of your children. Life structures create patterns. Patterns can sometimes repeat themselves and patterns can be broken.


With young children, patterns are evident. Nothing is hidden even if we think it is. Patterns are part of our natural behavior. Teens are different. It's best to capture their patterns when they are unaware of you watching. Teens tend to be extremely self-conscious and shy. I get that. It's an awkward stage and sometimes they don't want to be noticed. That's typical. My son hates when I video record him doing tasks. It's unfortunate. I'm so proud of his accomplishments and want to share them with the world. Perhaps he will become a little less self -conscious with age.


The reason I am bringing up the subject of patterns is because our patterns play a huge roll in how we learn to see ourselves and how we relate to ourselves and others. We must know the structure of our problems in order to break the structure down and dissolve or resolve it. Emotional patterns can heavily influence our relationship with people, food, alcohol, sex or anything used to self sooth or self-medicate. It's all connected. Finding our way to a healthier view on life and lifestyle is like playing connect the dots. There is a starting point and a pattern develops. It's often not recognized until things come full circle and the picture is revealed.


If we examine our earliest memories conscious and otherwise, we begin to see how our patters develop. In other words, if we are surrounded by negativity, unfortunate occurrences, abuse and the like or surrounded by all things positive, our behavioral and thought patterns will reveal whatever it is we've been exposed to. It's not possible to hide a negative past forever, even if we work diligently to do so. The patterns are too deeply embedded and they will rear their ugly heads in one form or another. My past loaned itself to a lifetime of negative self-images and hurtful behaviors. I'd become an expert at hurting myself and being in complete denial about it. This pattern is identical to the behaviors my parents had. They hurt me and each other and remained in complete denial about it. See what I mean? We do not own our negative behaviors we've learned and borrowed them from past experiences.


One thing that has helped me tremendously is to recognize where the blame lies.


I am not to blame for the things that my parents chose to do and say to me.


I know it's hard for some of us to believe that we are not to blame. It's hard when we’re constantly being told that we are to blame. I've been told on many occasions that the bad things happening in my family were my fault. I mean, my goodness, if a pet died, it was my fault.  My parents blamed me for everything. If my mom got sick it was my fault. If I almost pass out from an Asthma attack it was my fault. If something was stolen from me it was my fault and so on. Even if I was wrongfully beaten it was still my fault because I would have more than likely done something to earn that beating later on. Do you see how damaging that can be? I am thankful that I had the ability to see beyond their lies. It saved my life on some levels.


Remember the one who told you it was your fault is most likely the one who hurt you. If another adult said such words to you, it may be because they did not know everything you were going through. Nonetheless, those words are lies. It was not nor has it ever been your fault. 


I may talk more about negativity being a disease, how it's like a cancer that spreads and can completely engulf you. Yes, I do think I will revisit this subject. For now, I'm going to get myself some lunch. Breakfast was 11am. I had eggs with cheese and leftover veggies and a cup of water. For lunch I will have hummus and pita bread. Dinner is still undecided.

Painful Image

I've been trying to write this post for two days. The subjects of body image and self-image are touchy subjects for me. I'm not one who likes to think of my image. I'd much rather hide in the shadows or blend in with the background.

That being said, I'm still not sure where to begin nor do I know where it will end. I must have started and deleted this post two or three times and I'm still struggling. I sure do use the word struggle a lot. Crap! This is complicated. Anyway, here it goes...


How does one begin to describe themselves? Which vantage point is better? As they say, there are two sides to a coin. Both sides are different, yet work in unison to create one complete coin. So, what happens when both sides are so different that they don't make a concise unit? In other words, what happens when one's body image does not match one's self-image? 


What's the difference between body image and self-image anyway?


BODY IMAGE


A subjective picture of one's own physical appearance established both by self-observation and by noting the reactions of others.


SELF IMAGE


dʒ/ The idea, conception, or mental image one has of oneself.

---

In my personal opinion, I believe we all come into existence with a clear idea of who we are and what we are meant to look like. A prime example of this is a person who feels they were born the wrong sex. They recognize this at a very early age. Clearly they have an understanding of who they are, but when they look in the mirror they don't see themselves. Instead they see someone else. They know what they see is real, but it's not right. 

My situation is different, but similar. It is not a question of identity by sex. I was born a female and know that I am supposed to be female, however, there is and always has been an image in my mind as to who I am and what I should look like. I have yet to see that image in the mirror. Therefore, I've never felt that I was fully myself. I'm more of a creation, pieced together by circumstance which making me a bit of a Frankenstein. I can't help but think of a small excerpt from one of my poems. It all makes sense now.

Look at it!

Hideous, monstrous…grotesque,


 A real life Frankenstein.

People will run and scream.

This is how I feel and at times that was my experience.

The image of me that lives in my mind is beautiful. I'm tall and voluptuous with long locks and flawless skin. I have a peaceful expression and a wealth of love that radiates from me. When I look into a mirror...I see a body ravaged by pain, patchy skin color, dim eyes, massive girth serving as a wall to keep people away, but also doubling as an ill fitted band aid. A poor attempt to cover my wounds. I see a void, a huge nothing. I feel nothing for myself. 


It is the effects of abuse that molds me and makes my image askew.


I grow angry when I think of what I perceive as should have been, as opposed to what is. I grow even angrier when I think of all that I could have been or at least have tried, but didn't because I had no support nor did I have anything left after warding off my parent's evil. Life is but a mist. I don't know how long life will be for me. I want to make the best of the time I have left. I grow weary thinking of how much time has passed and how much of that time has been wasted on survival. I haven't even begun to really live yet. I’m so very tired...


Enough with my image issues for now. I'm going to focus a little more energy on my letter to self. By the way, it's coming along well. I'm not in a place where I feel comfortable sharing the content of my letter, but I will keep you abreast of the progress and any epiphanies that come of it.


I will share this much with you today. While I was working on the letter yesterday, I began asking myself questions. I asked a particular question and answered it immediately. Only thing, it wasn't my 48 year old self that answered. It was me at the age of 4 year who spoke up. That was totally unexpected and shook me completely. I'd never heard the voice of my 4 year old self before. It wasn't an actual voice, but an internal voice. She wants to be heard...so I'm going to listen and write.


Dear God, please be with me, that I be able to withstand what I am about to endure. I've never had an experience like this before. I know that I've been trying to get inside myself and here I am. I am ready, but I am also afraid.