OMG! The Cravings Are Back!

I'm so glad to be home! Today was one of the most difficult craving days I've had in a long time. My son and I were out and about. As part of our new routine we ate before leaving the house. Until now it's been a tremendous help. I guess it could still be a tremendous help, it's just not feeling like a tremendous help right now.

Seems like everywhere we went there were rows and rows of fast food places. I can't avoid these places for the rest of my life. I really realized that today. The first part of the day was okay. Food did capture my attention, but I could redirect my thoughts fairly easy. Later in the evening proved to be something more arduous. Every fast food restaurant stood out as if flagging me down, excited to see me, willing me to enter their driveways. Vivid visions of fast food decadence flitted across my mind. I could almost smell the temptation. At one point I reached over to put my signal on to get over and make a stop. I had to tell myself, "NO! Just one more stop before dinner." I'd already planned to purchase dinner from one of our favorite spots as well deserved treat.

The very last stop was the grocery store. We practically ran through the store...picture that. Good thing I had my list. Today might have been the first time I actually followed my list to the letter. No time for extras...must get food and go home. I literally tossed the bags into the back seat, motioned for my son to park the cart and hopped in the car. With my hands gripping the steering wheel as if my life depended on it...and in a way it did...I focused all my energy on getting to the place I had in mind to purchase dinner and go straight home. The visions of various fast foods still dancing around my mind. I was determined to do what I'd set out to do.

Why the hell does it take so much effort to do right?

We made it home with groceries and dinner in tow. I did pretty good I think. Though not totally unscathed, I did shamelessly order an extra large fry and a cheerwine float with my dinner. Damn!

Onward and Upward...

Information: Eating Disorders in African American/Black/Ethnic Women and Men

Greeting everyone! I hope you are well. I wanted to share a few good articles and interview that I found targeting eating disorders in African American/Black/EthnicWomen and Men.
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner: Eating Disorders in African Americans

Women of Color & Eating Disorders

Neda - Feeding Hope
Please take a moment to scroll down to the bottom of the article, Neda - Feeding Hope, to listen to Joy Keys interview special guests Stephanie Covington Armstrong, author of "Not All Black Girls Know How to Eat: A Story of Bulimia," and former NEDA Director of Programs, Laurie Vanderboom as they discuss the struggles black women face when seeking help for an eating disorder.

If you have trouble accessing the link for Joy Keys interview here is the direct link African American Women and Eating Disorders

Here's more information on Stephanie Covington Armstrong's book, Not All Black Girls Know How to Eat: A Story of Bulimia.  Not All Black Girls Know How To Eat

Eating Disorders and Minorities

I hope these articles and interview will help many minority women and men realized that they are not suffering alone and these issues need to be talked about. Don't let anyone tell you that African American/Blacks/Ethnics do not have eating disorders. Keep seeking help and reaching out to others. Help will come and healing will begin.

Stay strong and don't give up.

Feeling Inspired

I was skyping with my cousin a few days ago. She was depressed about her weight and other health issues. We talked for a long time. I know what it's like to say you want to do something for yourself and not be able to do it. I'm sure those who've read this blog have seen my struggles with that very subject.

It wasn't that long ago when I was saying the same things my cousin said to me. I knew that I wanted to do more for myself, but could not bring myself to follow through. Changing my eating habits alone is not enough for me to obtain my goals...at least the goals I've set for dealing with my body image.

Anyway, my cousin and I talked extensively about the costs of gym memberships. Even the YMCA is costly and neither one of us has an extra $350 lying around to pay for a yearly membership. Then it hits me. What is my favorite go to place when I'm looking for information on most anything? (drum roll) YouTube!

It didn't take long for me to find a long line of health and fitness videos. I only had to narrow it down to something that we both can do and enjoy. Due to health issues, my cousin's mobility is limited and due to my having been inactive for so long I need to crawl my way back into a good fitness routine. What I found addressed both of our needs. There is a short series of videos designed for people having limited mobility. Does not matter if you are limited because of weight, health or age. It is also designed for beginning fitness enthusiasts as well. What I like most about these videos is there step program which starts off with exercise routines done from a sitting position and slowly works you up to doing full workouts from a standing position. How cool is that?!

I strongly recommend for anyone who has not worked out in a very long time like myself or is starting to work out for the very first time to consult your physician about starting any exercise program.

One of my most favorite aspects of these videos is that fact that you start from a sitting position. If I'm not working with my son, also usually from a sitting position, I am at my desk working on different projects. I do get up frequently to check on my son, get housework done and cook, but it's not enough movement to make a difference in my health. I can safely say the majority of my days is spent in a sitting position. These videos are just perfect for me. What better way to begin incorporating exercise into my daily routine?! It's easy, affordable, workable and proving to be beneficial.

WARNING: For those who are sensitive to seeing exercise activity please do not watch the video below.

Here is the video of Stage 1, episode 1 Workout Launchpad - Beginner Stage

I think this is a wonderful way to get moving even if you are in relatively good shape. I'm enjoying how I feel about myself after completing this work out. It's done wonders for me just to know that I am important enough to myself to take 26 minutes to do something wonderful and beneficial just for me.

I am still doing well with eating. I've taken on a new love and appreciation for my home cooking and love...love...love cooking healthy, delicious meals for myself and my family.

I still have a late snack on occasion and I've had 1 or 2 nights where the call to binge was stronger than it had been for awhile. It was very short lived. My eating schedule is better and I feel good...not just good...also good about myself. That is what's most important to me know...feeling good about myself.

Onward and Upward!!!!

Hugs to you all! Keep up the good fight.

At Storms End

In life we all will experience storms. Some storms pass through quickly and others linger for what seems like an eternity. No matter the size or duration, all storms leave their mark.

As you know, I have been experiencing many storms. This past storm lasted 6 months and is now coming to its end. The storms I speak of are the storms of life which can be financial, relationships, physical health, mental health or spiritual health...whatever. For me it could be either or a combination of all. It just depends...

With each storm there is the potential to fall back into the hard to break habit of binging and starving. Even though I have fallen several times, I have not stayed in the cycle long. This is a great improvement. During the last leg of my most recent storm I have been able to maintain a healthier eating style. Every morning like clock work, I rise out of bed, give my son his meds, say my prayers and cook breakfast.

Remember when it was difficult for me to deal with breakfast? How I used to start each day with a pack of cheese crackers? It may have taken a few months and a couple back steps, but I seldom give into the urge to starve myself. As far as binging...well, as with anything, it is a work in progress. Every part of me is a work in progress and progress is what I am seeing.

I know I say this often, but it reins true for anyone who struggles with ED or addiction of any kind.
There are days when I feel stronger and there are days when I feel that failure is my only companion. Today I feel strong. I don't know what tomorrow will bring and I'm not going to worry about it. I'm only focusing on what I can handle in this moment while giving thanks for the strides I've made and the resources for healing that I've gained.

No matter how bad things may seem from one moment to the next...keep up the good fight...
 

DON'T GIVE UP! 

December 16, 2014: Calling ED Out Pt. 1

I mentioned several posts ago that I started reading "Life Without ED: How One Woman Delclared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too," By Jenni Schaefer with Thom Rutledge.

I'm reading this book a little at a time. Sometimes if I try to take too much information in it become overwhelming. Besides, I like to mull over what I've read thoroughly digesting it before continuing. What I've read so far has the potential of being very helpful. I admit that I was a bit hesitant to becoming completely engrossed in the book for one reason and one reason only. Jenni's ED is Anorexia. My initial feeling was of disappointment. Here I am reading another book about Anorexia. What does that have to do with me? Reading a bit more I found invaluable insight and methodology that can help most any eating disorder.

We all have relationships with our disorder even if we don't see it that way. I appreciate how Jenni separates herself from her eating disorder, giving it it's own identity and functioning in her life. This makes sense. In a previous post I stated that my eating disorder had taken on a life of it's own. Reading Life Without Ed shows me that my thoughts are right on track. EDs are very much an identifiable entity in my life.

One of the more interesting parts of what I've read so far is how Jenni talks about Ed as if it were a real person, as if being in a bad marriage and wanting a divorce. How appropriate. I stopped just after this point because I wanted to allow this concept to really sink in.

I lieu of the recent onset of binging I have turned my attention to calling out Ed. I want Ed to step out of the shadows and so I can fully identify him, seeing him in his ugly truth. I may not experience Ed in the way others experience him. For Jenni, Ed told her she was fat and thin is so much better. My Ed tells me that it's okay to be fat. He tells me to eat, drink and be merry, accept I'm not merry. I've eaten myself into misery. My Ed tells me to sooth myself with more food and it will be alright. Food will never hurt me...yeah right.

I figure, if I can call Ed out I can begin working on a healthier internal dialog, one that counters what he tells me. I've managed to do some of this already only this time it will be different...I hope.

Something has to give. I've been sinking into a huge hole of despair. I'm so tired, too tired to claw my way out. But if I stop trying, the inevitable will happen and I don't want that to happen.

I continue fighting for my life. There will be many ups and downs along the way. Just know that I have not completely given out nor am I giving up. I'm just going through...

Progress/Setbacks

My daytime food intake has been very good. I am more creative with breakfasts, especially on the weekends. On Sunday for breakfast I had French toast, smoked turkey sausage and a scrambled egg and a cup of hot tea. I enjoyed every bit of it and was able to manage a snack later that afternoon and a delicious dinner that night consisting of rice, veggies and stewed chicken.

I've recently tried incorporating some of my favorite taste combinations like hotdogs and applesauce, but I'm not strong enough to have a childhood favorites yet. I've discovered that having favored taste combinations can trigger binging because that taste combination was fueled by a need for comfort, so that is something I will need to avoid for now.

Nighttime eating is getting a little better. I don't have a desire to binge every night as I have in recent past. I've managed to get through some nights with or without a snack and other nights, well, I binge, but I try very hard to find mental comfort so I can stop the feed. It helps at times. 

To My Brothers: Body Image and ED

WARNING: Some of the stories and images may cause triggers.

I want to dedicate this post to the males out there who struggle with eating disorders and negative perceptions of self image. It's not often that the male struggle with self image is mentioned. I invite you, my brothers, who struggle with body image and eating disorders to share your stories or copy and paste links to your videos and blogs in the comments section of this post.

I saw a couple videos today about the search for beauty (male version) and two young males struggle with eating disorders. I was shocked. I did not realize the quest for the perfect body image was so prevalent in males. What I find most disturbing is how society down plays your struggle. Your pain and suffering is just as important as ours. So why doesn't anyone do more to get the information out there? Society's focus is on the perception of beauty from the woman's point of view. There's little room for discussion about the struggles males have with their own body image. I'm sorry that I too have been guilty of not recognizing your struggle.

More and more young males are suffering from eating disorders and body image issues everyday and starting and younger ages as well.

Do Men and Boys Develope Eating Disorders?

The young lady in the previous video doesn't think that males develop eating disorders because they look muscular in the magazines. She doesn't think they will starve themselves, but rather buff themselves up. Well, here's an example of how some males look so muscular in magazines.

One 13-year-old Boy's Struggle With an Eating Disorder

Male Anorexia Story

I'm so proud of the young men and women who have and are coming forward with their struggles with eating disorders and body image issues. Thank you for sharing. I pray that one day ED will be a thing in the very distant past for all of us.

Post Thanksgiving: How Are You Doing?

Hey everyone. I wanted to touch base with you as we are in the full swing of the holiday season. How are you doing? Do you experience any particular difficulties this time of year? I for one tend to have some measure of depression linked to past holiday practices and urges to night binge. What helps me the most is realizing that I don't have to give into unfortunate or uncomfortable holiday traditions anymore.

There may be some of you who look forward to this time of year as a chance to step away from the mundane and delve into the wonderment of holiday folly and fare. I find a since of joy knowing that there are some who genuinely enjoy this time of year. Then there are those who hide their pain behind the perfectly basted turkey with all the trimmings, possession of super human stamina for the world's biggest shopping day and a meticulously mapped out plan on entombing their homes in miles and miles of twinkling lights. Nothing kills the holiday spirit like a sea of plastic smiles, empty compliments, idol chit chat and muffled sighs.

Are you one who is prone to continuing with traditions that may possibly trigger you just for the sake of looking normal? I used to. I would always give the excuse that I was on a diet so I could get away with eating very little during dinner. Later I'd be given all sorts of neatly packaged goodies in foil covered plates. Little did they know at least 90% of the food would be consumed later that night.

Binging during the holidays was the norm...the biggest binge session of the year. I'd be drunk with anticipation (chuckle), lost in planning the order in which I would eat my newly acquired morsels. End of the year holidays are the one time of year that you can have enormous amounts of food without question.  

Since beginning my quest for wellness I've stopped indulging in massive holiday binges. No more cooking and hording massive amounts of food. I keep things much more simple now. If there are plans to have company I make sure to cook an appropriate amount of food allowing enough to send home with friends and have some left for meals the next day. If we decide not to have company I'll prepare a few of our favorites, enough for two days. I don't bake a lot of deserts. Usually we have a friend make something like a pie or cobbler and I supply the ice cream. For me, deserts are hard to resist, so it's most beneficial to have access to as few sweets as possible.

I don't really care what people think of my changes. It's a matter of knowing my triggers and self preservation.

This year we were planning to have company even thought I didn't feel up to it. The day before Thanksgiving I made a call and opted out of the gathering. I was pleased to know that my intended guests were also not in the mood for holiday cheer. Relief. I prepared a couple Cornish hens, sweet potatoes, greens, and a little mac-n-cheese. That's it! Oh, and fruit for dessert if desired. It was a wonderful meal. Yes I had a late night snack, but did not binge. The next I took the remaining Cornish hen and made gravy and served the left over sides. My good friend also sent over some of the turkey she baked along with a small amount of baked mac-n-cheese.  The leftovers were wonderful. I reframed from preparing more food because I was able to see what we had as enough.

Today there is a small amount of gravy and a few morsels of Cornish hen left. I'm thinking about making a little brown rice and a small pot of green beans and that will be dinner. I feel good about not binging, especially since I've had several binges recently. I'm proud of myself.

Holidays and get-togethers are hard when combating eating disorders. Just take it one step at the time...I day at the time. It's okay if you need to hang out in smaller groups or with just one friend to avoid larger crowds and facing enormous amounts of food. Try not to stay to yourself during these hard times. Now is when support really comes in handy. It will benefit you greatly to spend time with someone who understands what you are going through. You'll need to be able to talk out your feelings with someone, cry, scream, whatever it takes to get the emotion out so you don't take it out on your body.

Huge hugs to all my sisters and brothers who are recovered, recovering or struggling with ED. My heart goes out to you as I keep you in my prayers.

I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I have hope that you know that you are not alone and that we can be here for each other. Take care, my friends. I'll check in again soon.

Bits and Pieces

My eyes are too buggy.

My forehead too big.

My hair is unruly.

It looks like a wig.

 

My breasts are not perky.

My stomach protrudes.

Thighs shaped like tree trunks.

Accompanied by dimpled glutes. 

 

My skin heavily scared,

And stretched so tight.

Over the bulky frame of my girth,

Nothing shaped quite right.

 

My feet are to small,

As if unable to stand at all.

Slightly on tippy toe,

I've learned to lean just so.

 

A lingering stare into a mirror,

Loathing every bit and part of me.

A living portrait of my own worst enemy.

What ever will become of me.

 

One day most assuredly,
I will develop a healthier perception of me.

And I will stare into that mirror...you see,

With a brand new ability to love the entire me.

 

 

 

GUILT and SHAME: How Abuse Distorts Perceptions

WARNING: This post may cause triggers. Sharing about self body image, psychological abuse and sexual abuse.

How many of us can recognize how our pasts effect our present and future? Not being able to see this connection is not as uncommon as you might think. As a matter of fact, it is more common that you could imagine. That is why I will periodically write about past events and explain how those events affect me today.

Eating disorders don't start out of the blue. They develop over time. For every addictive or hurtful behavior there is a root beginning. There is a point where things shift and move towards an unhealthy path. It is time to recognize those points of shifting, work through them and propel ourselves into a healthier direction.

I don't think that I've talked much about my feelings of guilt, shame or disgust. Though I do not feel at fault for what my parents have done to me, I do feel fault and guilty for what I've done to myself. I've also recently discovered that I feel fault and guilt about things my parents blamed me for especially if there was something I did want to do and I am told that something bad came of it...I believed it.

GUILT

When I was very young, about 6 or 7 we had this lovely dog named Brutus. Funny, I'm just now able to remember his name. He was a large brown boxer. My parents had just recently gotten him. I was a little afraid of him because he was so large, but I cared for him very much and wanted to bond with him. One day after finishing my school work I went out side to play with Brutus. He was lying beside the back porch. I called his name, but there was no response. I called is name again and still no response. Then I began screaming his name over and over again. I ran in the house still screaming and crying. My mom had her back to me. "He's dead...he's dead!" I guess my mom got tired of me screaming. She turned around and glared at me. "It's YOUR fault!", "It's YOUR fault that he's dead!", "YOU never wanted to feed him or clean up after him! I had to do it all!", "He died because YOU didn't want to take care of him!" Eyes stretched wide and completely silenced, I stopped crying. Was it really my fault? Did I kill Brutus?

To this day that moment still haunts me and yes, in a strange kind of way, I still feel guilt for Brutus' death. I feel guilt when I get a little angry with my son and just want him to go to another room and be quiet for awhile. It's not that I would have said anything. Usually it's just a passing thought. But there have been times when he's gotten sick after I had a thought like that and I wondered...was it my fault? Will God take him away from me because I wanted him to be quiet? It is truly unfortunate what I experienced that day so many years ago. And it is even more unfortunate that I am still affected by my mother's words.

Recently there has been another incident when I've felt profound guilt for something I ultimately had no control over. It was when my son had his bout with constipation. Even though his pediatrician said it was common, I still felt as thought I had done something wrong. I could not sleep for carrying the guilt. My guilt turned into anger. How dare my body work properly when my son's body cannot. The guilt was more than I could bare. I hated myself and I began starving myself again. I know this is extreme. I can't help how I felt. I believed bad things happen when you don't do things perfectly and being a less than perfect mother caused my son to get sick. This way of thinking is a product of the abuse that I endured. I realize that. Now I need to figure out how to combat those strong emotional responses to my past. How do I shake this?

SHAME

My parents were ashamed of me and I was ashamed for embarrassing them especially in public. I could always tell they felt this way. It was how their voices dropped when it came time to introduce me. "And this is my (pause) daughter." Not only did I not behave normally like other kids my age. I wasn't as attractive as my parents. They were picture perfect...on the outside... I felt like an alien, often wondering if they found me under a bush or perhaps someone left me on their doorstep. I would imagine a spaceship flying by and I haphazardly thrown from the ship landed in my parents yard. I can't ever remember feeling as thought I belonged. Oh well, they were stuck with me and I them.

I  about being fat and an eyesore...a disappointment. They would constantly point out all of my flaws and tried earnestly to figure out how to correct them. I lost the ability to see myself as worthy of being loved or worthy of anything. I lost the ability to see myself at all.

I never believe that I deserved how I was treated, but I didn't believe that I deserved to be treated any better either. I wasn't sure what better was anyway.

I still feel the shame for being fat and unattractive. And fat is still my safety net, never to worry about being touched again. Just thinking about it makes me want to scarf down a few oatmeal cream pies as I schlep around the house in old socks and loose clothing camouflaging my girth. It's not working. I tell myself that I dress this way because I want to be comfortable. Lie! I'm hiding...hiding in plain sight. If only I could implode and disappear.

Everyday is a struggle...going through life hoping no one sees me. I hate having to deal with the outside world, my tenants, especially. When I go to the properties, I feel like everyone is staring at me because I'm so fat and disgusting. Shame oozes out of my pores as I encounter each new person. There is silence and  Dear God, please make this go away. I am that same little girl walking down the street with her parents and feeling as though she is a complete outcast and does not belong. Only now I'm not with my parents, I'm with my son. My beautiful son, tall, handsome and well dressed. And here I am...well, I just am.

This reminds me of a book I once purchased for a friend, "When will I Be Good Enough: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers." I should have kept that book for myself. I'm always stuck in between feeling or not feeling good enough to be my son's mom. Almost identical to feeling that I was not good enough to the daughter of my parents.

Are you starting to see the distinct patterns between past and present?

All I've ever wanted was to be loved and accepted. No matter how I look I would never be accepted or loved by my parents, many family members and past so called friends.

Fact: In the past, most of the people in my life were only in my life because they wanted or needed something. I am not mad at them. I only wish that I could have had a healthier relationship with them. I wish they could have seem more value in me as a person.

Now that I have been blessed with both love and acceptance from my son and a few friends, I still struggle with believing that it's real or perhaps I just don't know how to accept unconditional love, because it's not something that I'm familiar with.

I hope to become a healthier slimmer me without the fear. I don't know what it's going to take to get there, but as many of you already know, I am always searching for answers and solutions and I believe I will find those answers and solutions one day.  

A huge thank you to those of you who I've come to know and love. Thank you for your support, love and kindness and thank you most of all for your acceptance.

November 17, 2014: In the Trenches

I'm still here... Been thinking about you all and wondering how you are doing. I've been having a very hard time for the past few months. It's been like experiencing one bad omen after another. A reminder of what life was like for me this time last year. I was so hopeful of seeing a better year and desperate for some emotional, mental and physical relief. Instead I was met head-on with challenges that almost knocked me off my feet. My life has been a roller coaster rider ever since. 

How do you deal with people who choose to hate you, not for anything of your own doing, but for things that your parent did? I having to face people who don't like me more frequently than I care to acknowledge. These people don't like me because the did not like my dad. They did not like how he tricked, deceived, manipulated and even stole from them. So now that he's dead I guess they think that I should pay for his wrong doings. I've always lived a simple life, never going outside of my means or comfort. I am well aware of my limitations and have mastered moving within finely balanced parameters. That has all changed and I am in an emotional uproar almost all the time. Even in all of this I've managed to keep a healthy balance in my home, that is until a recent health issue with my son. I've always said I can take anything as long as I know my son is okay. Well, he's was not okay and my world is spiraling out of control.

There are some who will think what I'm about to say is trivial and warrants little to no concern. Of course, I would never have thought such a thing until someone I call friend showed me that she felt this way.

My son started having issues with drooling and clearing his throat a couple months ago. It didn't seem like anything big, but it was not going away. My initial thought what that he could be cutting wisdom teeth and I treated him accordingly, but even that was taking longer than it should. I took him to the dentist to confirm my theory only to find that his wisdom teeth are only budding and not yet ready to come in. The very next day I took him to the pediatrician's office and was told that everything looked fine. We went home, but I was still concerned and my concern was taking a turn for the worse. It was fast approaching massive fear and anxiety. Fear of not knowing what is going on with my son, a child who had so many health issues in the beginning, but has grown into a child that has almost no issues with physical health. So how can it be that all of a sudden things are taking such a dramatic turn. What could be the cause?

Each day that passes causes more and more questions to surface. I called the pediatrician's to request a referral to an ENT specialist (Ears, Nose and Throat) to take a closer look. It would only be a few more days before seeing the specialist. I don't want anything to be wrong with my son and there are so many questions I need answered. In the meantime, I also scheduled my son's yearly well check. During the well check I was asked if my son had been having problems with constipation. CONTIPATION?! How is that possible, he has a short gut. A large portion of my son's gut was removed when he was a week old. Diarrhea would be more of an issue for us. That is why he's on a high fiber diet which helps to regulate everything. All of a sudden now I'm being told that he's constipated and not just constipated, but impacted. I'm at a total loss.

News of my son's constipation was the straw that made my knees buckle. My mind starts to spin out of control looking for answers while I am having to adjust to what is known as a normal childhood ailment. I'm not that familiar with normal childhood ailments when it comes to my son. His health issues have been either life threatening or a simple common cold. Taking my son's health history into consideration, I struggle to understand how constipation could be considered normal for a child who's gut has been so severely compromised. The pediatrician casually tells me that my son is not getting enough roughage. How would he know that? He's never once been invited to dinner. Aside from my son's infancy there has been no talk of his dietary intake. I am so sick of these doctors assuming that there must be a deficit. Not to mention how bad I felt as a parent that my son's doctor does not think that I'm feeding him well. I have you know that my son has a healthier diet than most. Anyway, my son is prescribed a laxative and I am given instruction on how to do a home clean out. Everything went well. I did adjust my son's diet a bit to decrease wheat intake because he may be developing sensitivity to wheat products. It's been about a month since this change and he's doing quite well.

Just as the constipation episode dissipated he began having what appeared to be seizures. I have no idea where this is coming from. We went to the emergency room and everything checked out well. In the next few days we were seeing a neurologist who's not sure if my son was having actual seizures or not. One MRI and two EEGs later we are still unsure. What we did find was that my son's cerebellum is underdeveloped. Well, that explains his difficulty with motor planning.

My son is doing quite well. He has not had another seizure type episode since October. Thank goodness for that! We are scheduled to go back to neurology next February. It will be determined then if more tests will be given.

I guess I don't need to tell you that my good eating habits have gone out the window. Yes, I started starving and binging again. It was really bad in September and did get some better in October. My anxiety level was extremely high also. I'm a little better now. Still struggling to get everything back on track. I'm not starving myself during the day anymore, but I'm having great difficulty with night binging. All I can say is some nights are better than others.

I think I'm going to have to have a long discussion with my eating disorder and tell him a thing or two. Wish me luck...

So sorry that I haven't had the energy or the mindset to be productive for awhile. Miss you guys...It's good to be back.

Sharing Progress

Hi everyone! I hope that you are still on the road to wellness. If not, don't worry the road is still there. You'll just have to make your way back. As you know, the road to wellness has many hills and valleys. What makes the path a successful one is when we accept and acknowledge that hills and valleys will come and continue working hard to achieve our goals.

WE ALL CAN ACHIVE IT, IF WE BELIEVE IT 

I've been thinking about you and hoping the best for you. I have not written in some time. I don't want to risk being redundant or mundane, so I pace myself that I am able to give you up to date information as it occurs. Sometimes I go through periods of time with little to no change. Which is a  good thing for me most of the time. I hope the breaks aren't too long and that you will continue reading my posts.

There's not too much going on with me. I am pleased to say that I'm still eating very well during the day. I've had a couple night binges since my last post, but doing much better. Things seem to be on the right course now that I've gotten a much better handle on daytime eating. Still having to rely on late night snacks, but I don't have to have them every night. I prepare them still, but only eat the snack if I feel I really need it.

I'm in a much better place with myself. I feel love for myself and I'm working on having a healthy relationship with myself. My afformations are working. I didn't think they would at first, but they really are. I'm glad I stuck to it this time. I'm still struggling with my letter to self. Been talking to the therapist about it and we both agree this is something that I'll need to keep at the forefront. Not to push myself too much, but give the task my attention from time to time. Eventually, I will get the 1st letter written. 

You opinion is needed. I've been thinking about doing a few audio posts in this blog. Is that something you'd be interested in? I figure it might be nice to just listen sometimes. Please let me know if you think you'd like to listen to a few posts. I may do a test audio post and ask your opinion then. You comments are always appreciated.

(Alert: Potential Trigger)
On the down side, I went to see my doctor about a week ago. Of course you know the first thing I had to do was to get on the scale. I don't understand why they insist weighing has to happen each visit, especially with someone who is diagnosed with an ED. I wonder if it would help that I mention this while setting up appointments? Anyway, I got on the scale and to my dismay, discovered that I'd gained weight. I wish I could get the number out of my head. I have not let new discovery disturb or disrupt the progress I've made. I acknowledge the effect it could have on me, so I make it a point to be extra mindful of eating for my health everyday. I've been doing so well lately. I can't bare the thought of falling back to my old ways. I don't know why I've gained weight. Right now all I can do is continue thinking healthy and changing some of the things that I've been eating. I'm not going to get hyper focused on this. Please don't allow my words to trigger you.

On to happier subjects. My skin in looking better and I will be seeing a new dermatologist soon. I've been seeing my old dermatologist for many years. I think he's just tired of seeing me and really doesn't care anymore. It's largely because I question his judgment sometimes. I don't like taking lots of pills and I'm particularly weary of side effects. Needless to say, I don't give in easy. Perhaps he's just tired of the fight.

I had my godson over for a movie night before his birthday. He just turned 21. It doesn't seem like it's been 21 years, not to mention, my son is turning 15 next month. Time is moving way too fast. (sigh) In the past, my godson's visits have been a source of great binging pleasure. We've always had a history of eating everything we wanted on the nights that he visits. I guess one could rationalize it and say we were having a foodie vacation. The reality was that I had an eating partner and enjoyed sharing the wealth. I've only recently accepted the fact that I did this. For the past few years I've been encouraging my godson to eat less when visiting us. I wasn't that strict and would often give in to his sad puppy dog eyes when gazing at a delectable treat. Since I've come to terms with severity of my situation I've become much more strict. He doesn't like it, but that's how it has to be. I can't afford to keep binging with him and I don't want to encourage him to binge, especially now that I can see what is was all along...a love of mass quantities of food after dark.

During his last visit I treated him to Chinese food, which he loves. This time we were only allowed one entre, one appetizer and one snack for later on. I knew he was disappointed and tried to hide it, but I also noticed the he was satisfied with the quantity of food. That he did not gorge himself as he used to, but was forced to allowed himself time to feel full. Yes, I am doing the right thing...for both of us. Oddly enough, my son never got into the binging on movie night. I'm so very glad about that.

All in all, I think that I have made great strides on many levels. I can see a rainbow at the end of the tunnel. I continue to hope that my words encourage you. Wellness is achievable for all of us if only we don't give up. Stay strong...be encouraged, especially during the rough patches and celebrate your accomplishments as they come.

Give yourselves a hug today and here's a great big hug from me to you (((((HUG)))).

Take good care my friends, continue on your journey to wellness. You are not alone.

July 23, 2014

Oh my goodness! Where has the time gone. I know it's been awhile since I've posted, but I did not realize that it's been almost a month. How are you all of you doing? I hope you are well and if not, I hope that you are seeking a path to wellness.

I'm sitting here eating dinner at 6:58pm and doing pretty good with that. Yes, at times I've eaten a little later, but that was largely due to my internal battle with wanting to purchase takeout. Purchasing takeout has to be done with great care at my house. If I'm not careful, I will purchase our meals and additional foods for binging. I'm much better about acknowledging my triggers.

Let's see, where did I leave off last time? I believe I was struggling between doing better during the day and worse at night or being better at night and worse during the day. I'd like to say that I've conquered this madness, but I will refrain for the moment. Lets just say that I am doing better all around with few issues. Okay, if want to call a late night snack of popcorn a problem...so be it. I don't see it that way.

I have not had any major sweet cravings for some time now. I can't say if my last battle with sweets was triggered by stress or hormones. Whatever the case, it has gone away for now. I'm so very glad about that.

I've been cooking some really great meals. We of course have lots of veggies and lean meats in small portions which is working well for me. I can't tell if my weight is changing and I am not strong enough to look at a scale. I still have not grasped the power of exercise, but I'm working it. I can say that I have much more compassions for myself, which makes it so much easier to eat the way I should. I feel good about myself and I don't mind sharing my truths. I don't mind letting people know when they need to back off and give me space. It was shaking for awhile, but those who respect my wishes remain and those who don't...well...

There was a book that someone recommended I buy. I can't remember if it was a friend on the phone or a friend online. Doesn't matter, I purchased the book. It's entitled, "Life Without ED: How One Woman Declared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too. The book was written by Jenni Schaefer with Thom Rutledge. I'll probably start reading it sometime this weekend. I've been head strong in watching some of the latest Autism documentaries. I'm not going to give my opinion here. I'll save that for my autism blog.

Can you tell that I'm feeling a little perky this evening? I hope so. Life has been so much better after letting go of some of my angst. I feel lighter in my spirit and my walk.There are those times when I may take a few steps back. It's okay to recognized those times and work towards being better, but I will no continue allowing those times to be a crutch. Stay strong and work towards the good. Focus on being better to yourself and things will change for the better.

Oh yeah, I remember now, I left off last time talking about assessing relationships with friends, acquaintances, family and lovers. Okay. I'm not going to address that today, but I will definitely be discussing that in the very near future. For now, I am going to get back to my dinner.

I hope for you all that you have a peaceful evening, morning, day, night, wherever you are in this great thing called time.

I'll let you know about the book, "Life Without ED," soon. For those of you who may be interested in purchase a copy or taking a sneak peek, here's the link, http://www.amazon.com/Life-Without-Ed-Declared-Independence/dp/0071422986. In this link you also have the option of listening to a portion of the book. I think you'll really enjoy it. I love the way Jenni writes about ED.

Take care, my friends and thank you for your patience.

June 23, 2014

It's Monday afternoon. I'm doing pretty well. Still have not eaten today, but I'm working on it. It's been 4 nights of insomnia already. I have had insomnia episodes last as long as 2 weeks. I really don't mind because there's always so much I could be doing.

My body's starting to get a little tired. I'm moving slower today. My mind is very alert right now. I'm still getting sleepy between the hours of 6 and 8pm, but shorty afterwards I am fully awake and alert well into the wee hours of the morning. I'm not allowing myself to take naps when I feel sleepy. I don't want to help the non-sleep process that I'm going through.

I've been very productive for the last 3 nights and I wake up feeling like I'm ready to do so much more. Being an insomniac has it's perks.

I've been very good about not binging late night. Even with cake and cookies in the house. It's odd isn't it? I guess I can attribute some of that to not stressing about falling asleep. I'm enjoying myself too much. However, my daytime eating is suffering. I don't understand why I can't get daytime and nighttime eating in sync. Seems when I get one under control the other wants to get whacky. Why is that? And how do I combat it? I'm gonna have to pray about this and look to see what I can find to help me figure this out.

Okay it is 2:39pm, I'm off to get fix myself something to eat. Hope you all are having a good day. And remember not to beat yourselves up if you have trouble eating like you should today. Don't stress about it, just try to do better. It will get better in time.

Insomnia Night #1 - June 19, 2014

The last few days haven't been so bad. My nighttime feedings seemed to be slowly fading away until last night.

I don't know what was going on with me last night. I could not sleep no matter how hard I tried. I even had a couple glasses of wine and that didn't help. As a matter of fact, I didn't enjoy the wine at all. I started snacking. First I got a hand full of chips. The taste was awful and I struggled to eat them. Even though I struggled I didn't stop until the last one was gone. Unsatisfied I continued to toss and turn again. Things were different last night. It wasn't my mind roaming through the kitchen as it has in the past, it was my emotional state that was searching for comfort. I just wanted to relax and go to sleep.

My mind was racing. Bad thoughts creeping in...memories of my past that I really didn't want to deal with...not tonight. I can't seem to calm myself. I'm pacing the floor and visiting the bathroom frequently to look at my self in the mirror. I reminded myself to love myself, but that wasn't the issue. My love for myself is growing. This wasn't about self it was simply about comfort. I was emotionally and physically uncomfortable. Could it be hormones? I am of that age. Could this be PTSD? I think I'm becoming hyper vigilant. Starting to feel like something's going to happen. What the hell?! I just want to go to sleep.

I check on my son. He's sleeping peacefully and so is our little Ginger. I check the locks on the doors and make sure all the windows are shut. I turn on the back light to see if anything is going on outside. I peer out of the front window and everything is still.

Everything is fine, but I still can't sleep.

I've been praying more lately. Mostly being thankful for all God has graciously done for me. I felt fine while praying last night...I think. As the night went on the feeling of being out of sorts increased. I should have been paying more attention. As I recall, memories started coming in a couple nights ago. It wasn't too terribly bad...the usual. I did have a nightmare a few nights ago also. One of those reoccurring nightmares where I'm running from something or someone the entire time. I am so exhausted after a night of running in my dreams. I usually remember these thing and take mental note of them, but I didn't this time. I hate being this way.

I tossed and turned for another hour or so and then I went back to the kitchen. I need comfort. What will give me comfort? And then I thought...ice cream. That's it! Usually when I eat something sweet is sooths me right to sleep. I had one twix ice cream bar left. This should do it. I ate the ice cream and waited for the sugar to kick in. I think I felt a little comforted, but it wasn't enough. Not to mention I didn't even enjoy the taste. It's like my mind stopped working properly and my taste buds became overly sensitive. The salt from the chips actually burned my tongue a little. That was a first. The taste of everything was over-exaggerated.

What's else can I do? There's nothing. I could take a sleep aide, but I don't because my son may call for me in the middle of the night. Sometimes he has nose bleeds or needs albuterol. I have to be able to hear him if he needs me. I'm so tired. Tired of going to the kitchen. It's not working for me anyway. Tired of walking around the house checking to see if everything is okay. Tired of flipping from side to side in my bed. I've gotta go to sleep. I can't take this funky feeling anymore. Need to sleep.

I'm no stranger to insomnia. Usually it's welcomed. Sleepless hours are the time when I get lots of writing done or perhaps work on a drawing. I quite enjoy the quite stillness of the house, however, I didn't feel the joy last night. I hope tonight is better. I'm still not quite myself. Past memories are still haunting me. If it gets bad for me again tonight I'm going to do something different. I'm going to exorcise. Why didn't I think of that last night? I can do some stretches and deep breathing, maybe even try meditation. That's it! Choose to take a healthier path and a healthier view of what's happening. I can't stop it, so I'm going to have to manage it. 

My eating today was not too good. I ate my first meal around 1:30 and only then because I continue to fear waiting too long to eat and experiencing the dreaded pain and discomfort afterwards. When I did decide to eat I had something light. It was left over orzo with tomatoes and veggies. That settled well on my stomach. For dinner we had a vegetable medley and oven baked popcorn shrimp.

Tonight I will pray as I usual and hope the bad images in my head fade again. I used to get angry when this happened. How could my parents be such pigs and do what they did to me! Why couldn't I have been precious in their eyes? I don't get that angry anymore. It's not worth it. I loved my parents...despite what they did. I had no one else to love and they were all I knew. I just wish the bad memories would go away. I'm beginning to make some peace with what they did to me. It's easier when I am able to feel self worth. I'm getting better about feeling self worth. Okay...I've put my thoughts to paper. Perhaps I will find a measure of peace from this. Tomorrow is another day.

Goodnight my friends, pleasant dreams.

Why Write About NES? - June 16, 2014

Last night I started thinking about why there are few people who write about their eating disorders. I can't say that I've come up with what I'd consider a definitive answer, but I will say that giving thought to the question was an eye opening experience.

When the question of why more people don't write about their eating disorders popped up in my head I had to question myself as to why I am one who wants to write about it. First and foremost, I want Night Eating Syndrome (NES) to be seen as a "real" eating disorder. Right now there's not enough information on the subject and there are so many out there are suffering from NES and have nowhere to go and few resources to tap into. There are a couple books, one of which is a very good book, "Overcoming Night Eating Syndrome: A Step-by-Step Guide to Breaking the Cycle." I bought this book 4 years ago when I finally decided to take my eating disorder seriously. I'd been working some things out on my own and thought it would be good to have a book to reference. To my surprise I was doing remarkable well and could check off many of the items mentioned in the book. I strongly recommend this book if you want to know more about NES and are looking for ways to combat this disorder.

Here's a little more information about the book. http://books.google.com/books/about/Overcoming_Night_Eating_Syndrome.html?id=Lk5kDxJRCqcC

Even thought "Overcoming Night Eating Syndrome: A Step-by-Step Guide to Breaking The Cycle" is a very good book, I still needed to know more. There are other books out there, but their view is from a clinical/scientific/research viewpoint. That's not good enough. I want to hear from those who live with this disorder everyday. I don't mind statistics, but what about the human element. Let's not forget that.

I also purchased another book, "Eating Disorders: The Common Disorders Including Bulimia, Anorexia and Bing (not my typo this is verbatim) Eating, and Less Common Disorders Including Pica, Night Eating Syndrome, Purging Disorders, Etc. Edited by Dakota Stevens From High Quality Wikipedia Articles." Yes this is exactly what's written on the cover. The most I can say about this book...I should have gotten my money back. It was a joke, literally something that I could have looked up for free on Wikipedia. I will give them this much, there were honest about their source. How ever did I come across this book, there's not even a link for it.

I found it! It took some doing. I searched on Google, Amazon, Bing, Barnes and Noble and finally had to go back to Google and do a search by the barcode number to get information on this book to come up. Here it is... http://www.abebooks.com/9781240059775/Eating-Disorders-Common-including-Bulimia-1240059779/plp

"Hunger Pains: The Modern Woman's Tragic Quest for Thinness" is another good book. It does not talk about NES so much as it talks about the development of eating disorders, mainly Bulimia and Anorexia Nervosa. It's a good book if you want to investigate possible causes or as I call it "roots" to developing ED. As I always say, you cannot completely combat and problem without attacking it at the root.

Here's a link to more information about Hunger Pains http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/355755.Hunger_Pains

No matter how many "how to" and informational books are out there on any subject, there is nothing like hearing the story from the person who lived it. I miss reading about personal trails and vindicating moments, thought process and how life plays its role. It's those kinds of things that I would like to read about.

When I first decided to write about NES, I didn't know where to start nor where to go with it. I'm still figuring it out as I go. What I know for sure that I definitely don't want to fill the readers heads with statistics and general facts. I want the readers of my story to know what I am feeling and what affects me. I wanted to share what my life was like at the beginning of this journey into hell and what my life is like as I begin to climb my way out. It is those things that make more sense to me. Numbers are for mathematicians. Words are for those who want to experience the fullness and richness of an experience in a way that we can connect to.

This morning, I woke up hungry and filled with anticipation about the first meal of the day. I also plan on having a sandwich for lunch and possibly trying a new recipe for dinner. I haven't decided what to cook yet, but I look forward to preparing it and eating it. I like that. I like looking forward to enjoying a healthy meal.

The Pain and Pleasure of ED

WARNING: This post may be triggering


I've heard many things about pain associated with ED. Especially in cases where weight loss is severe. We've talked about this in a previous post. I wonder why I've not heard someone speak of the pain one can feel after or even while eating. I also want to talk about the pleasure involved in self inflicted deprivation.


On the course of this journey I've looked into several reasons as to why I've had so much difficulty eating an appropriate amount of food during the day. Some very interesting questions have come out of this search. I've posed these questions to myself and answers have been put in place. New healthier habits are beginning to form, but that does not guarantee there won't be times of weakness. For me the hard times don't always feel like a weakness. Sometimes it's more like a desire to reconnect to an old friend or a good feeling.


I admitted in a previous post that I struggled with consuming daytime calories because I gave into the mindset of not being able to eat as opposed to the fact that I didn't want to eat. That feeling still exists much of the time. I'm still able to combat the desire to starve most of the time with scheduled meals. Though the feeling still persists, I have to remember that it took more than a few days to develop this unhealthy desire and it's going to take more than a few days to overcome it.


As I continue my struggle I find more truths revealing themselves. It's interesting how much comes to you when you open yourself to the healing process. So here's another truth. I like how it feels when I starve myself. There's a feeling of lightness, a quiet calm comes over me as I watch the hours tick away without eating a morsel. I even feel like I can breath better, focus better, move better. There have been times I've had afternoon plans and purposely denied myself food so I don't feel weighed down while out. And yes, these things have happened recently.


I'm learning that the healing process does not mean overcoming an issue will dissolve it forever. It takes a concerted effort and the ever present commitment factor to succeed for the long hall. Just as with any type of addiction I have to take it one day at a time. If I fall, then I need to get up, brush myself off and begin the process again. There is no quick fix...no magic potion. I'm glad there isn't a quick fix. If there were, I'd never fully appreciate recovering. I'd never face the truth of how my recovery feels or how it feels to be sick. Both possess pain and pleasure...fear and reckoning.


The reality of the severity of my situation strikes again. Starving myself isn't working for me like it used to. I seldom have that light feeling anymore. What I have is fatigue and shortness of breath. Physical pain settles in as food lands in my stomach; bloating occurs, discomfort increases. I don't want to move, but it hurts to much to sit. I try walking, but the pain only gets worse. So I lay praying for the pain to go away. I don't want to feel this pain. There are days when I still want to starve. I am thankful on those days that I remember the pain of taking the first bite of food after denying myself food all day. I'm also aware of a newly felt urge to purge. I force myself to eat early enough so I don't the feel pain again.


When I eat, my jowl aches and burns as I chew. There are times I have to rest my mouth before I can resume chewing again. I'm usually not focused enough to enjoy food and If I do focus on enjoying my food I may want to eat too much. Can't afford to eat too much...can't afford to eat too little. I'm stuck between a rock and a very hard place.


As I write I'm beginning to feel hungry. It's been awhile since my last meal. This post is a grim reminder that I need to eat to avoid that dreaded pain. I'll grab a pack of crackers. That should do the trick. 


I wonder what makes hurting myself feel so good, empowering...sometimes exhilarating. I can see the link to the cause of the desire to hurt myself, but I don't understand the euphoria I feel while doing so. Where does that come from? I don't recall feeling pleasure from the pain that was issued to me by my parents. How does this psychological development take place?


I'll continue to ponder this thought while I eat cheese crackers.

Feeling Better: Making Decisions 5/26/14

My last post was pretty intense, at least it was for me. I needed to get my emotions out. Felt like I was drowning. I needed to release. I wasn't my best for a few days after. There was no binging, but I had to resume my late night snack to keep from binging. Trying to wean myself off of late snacks again, was doing pretty well until recently.


In lieu of our recent holiday, Memorial Day, I've had to make some decisions about food and entertainment. I thought it best not to cook out because that would leave me with too much cooked food in the house. It would be better to eat out, which limits my intake. For a brief moment I thought about ordering an additional sandwich or entre to take home, but quickly dismissed the thought. No extra foods allowed!


I wanted to treat myself to one of my favorite things which is orange peels dipped in chocolate. Its not something I get often and it's been over a year since the last time I treated myself, so, I went to the Chocolate Factory and purchased a few pieces and 3 pieces of chocolate covered seafoam. My candy purchase should last a couple weeks. Ironically I've never binged on chocolates. I guess it's because I'm not a lover of chocolate and rarely have it in the house. I usually eat 3 or 4 pieces of the chocolate covered orange peel at a time. They are small, but quite satisfying.


Last night I wanted something a little sweet. I did not turn to my chocolate, but ate strawberries with a homemade fruit dip. It was delicious. A perfect treat at the end of a good day.


I'm trying to figure out what's the best way to deal with my desire to lose weight. I don't want to think about pounds and calories. Should I think of myself in body parts, like focusing on my stomach, thighs or bottom? I don't think that will work for me either. Thoughts of that nature can easily turn into obsessions. Perhaps I will think of muscle groups. That's not the same as thinking about my girth. I could focus on strengthening, elongating, stretching, but not so much sculpting. It needs to be more about my health, not my weight. No numbers allowed! That's the funny thing about weight loss. You can't really accurately measure pound lost because as fat is lost muscle is gained. There's a counter balance there that may lead you to believe that you've gained weight or are at a stand still. Not a good situation for a person with an eating disorder. Okay then, that settles it. I believe the best way for me to begin working on my physical self is to focus on that which is less damning and that will be my muscles. It's worth a shot.


Yesterday was a bad eating day, during the day that is... My son and I had plans to eat out with friends. I wanted to eat that morning, but dismissed it because I was eating out and didn't want to consume too many calories. I'm not trying to make any excuses. I know I should have eaten earlier. We did not get to the eatery until after 3pm. My energy level was plummeting. I order the shrimp and fries with a large glass of water. I managed to eat all of my shrimp, but not many of the fries. It wasn't long after that I began to feel awful. The top of my stomach started aching and I began having mild heart palpitations periodically. I've heard of having heart palpitations when severe restriction occurs, but for me it's different. My body lies dormant while I'm in starvation mode. I feel okay with exception to feeling very tired as it gets later in the day. Shortly after consuming a meal (something more than crackers) I start feeling sick. My body does not adjust well from starvation mode to eating mode. It's like my body goes into shock because I've eaten. It usually takes about an hour before I start to feel better. I'm not sure what all is occurring inside my body. I just know that 38 years of having an eating disorder has done damage. If I eat as I should I don't have these problems.


Nothing showed up in my last physical. I think next time I go to the doctor's office I'll mention my symptoms and see what they say.


I made a point not to hold out on food today. I ate a good breakfast, 2 eggs, cheese, leftover veggies and water. For lunch I ate pears in extra light syrup. This is not an ideal meal, but it's something. Dinner was chicken fajitas with lots of veggies, a little rice and beans, no tortillas and water.

How I Feel - 5/19/14

This is my safe place. A place of honesty and sharing. I've shown my failures and I've shared my triumphs. I've even allowed a little peek into my soul. So what's left but to say that which lies beneath the sweet façade, giving unto the things that crawleth under the skin sending one spiraling into darkness praying to survive another day...as the inevitable awaits.


I unconsciously lift my fork to my mouth. There is food there, so I eat of it. Food doesn't taste good today nor did it yesterday. I still say it feels good to have made progress, but I am still very afraid. What if I fail again? What if I go so far only to start from square one again? How sick will I get this time?


Will I ever lose this weight? How can I ever lose this weight? Stupid diets don't work! All they do is make me want to STOP...eating. I have to eat.


Sometimes I don't feel healthy enough to exercise. I feel sick and I'm always tired. I've worn myself to the core. My monsters laugh at me. They can't hurt me anymore, but that doesn't matter. I've mastered hurting myself.

How many of us suffer, unable to see past poor self image? You don't have to answer that. I bet the majority of us do. I see so many having been emotionally, mentally and physically damaged...brutally so sometimes. The suffering is beyond pandemic. We are so saturated with pain that it's almost unrecognizable...invisible. We used to overlook pain because it wasn't talked about, but now we overlook the pain because it's what we are all about. Who hasn't been affected by addiction, physical affliction, unfortunate parenting, victimization, sexual deviancy, learned behavior, narcissism, co-dependency, mental illness...whatever the.... You name it we've got it...welcome to hell.


Why do we cling to pain? I don't understand it, but I see nothing other than IT. The cycle is vicious. There are people who want to hurt people while wanting to hurt themselves because they've been hurt; but then they may choose to hurt themselves over hurting other people, because it's another way to hurt others while feeding the inherent desire to continue the hurt they've known. It's a way of getting attention. It's a way of being left alone. It's a way of screaming out loud. It's a way of keeping silent. It's a relief. It's an escape. Pain used to cope with pain...that's the name of the game...right? If pain doesn't come now...it will most assuredly come later. No one goes unscathed.


The cycle of torment spans generations. The only difference between us and them...then and now...speaking our truth out loud. Of course, there are still those who live by the old decree...what happens in this house stays in this house. Secrets and lies stacked up in closets and shoved under beds; sent of to the places of unknown. I still wonder what kinds of hell past generations have seen. What lies have been dragged into graves. My mom had secrets...lots of them. Many of which I don't know or care to remember. She knew all my dirty secrets and dared not speak of them...not even to me.


I can't get this feeling out of my head...the feeling of being leprous, undesirable...cursed. Hell's fire upon all who look upon me. I am the hunchback of Notre Dame. The one shunned and ran away from. I do not know the love others claim to know. I have been used, abused and left to wither away. People tell me I'm pretty even beautiful, but it's all an illusion. I'm hidden behind smoke and mirrors. They want to make me feel better, but I don't want them to make me feel better and if they continue trying to make me feel better than I won't allow myself to feel better at all. I can't stand the disappointment. I can't stand feeling pretty for another moment only to watch it fade away...again. I just want to be left alone. Funny...I tell others they're beautiful. I want them to believe it because I believe it. Do they really believe me or do they feel the same as I do? Am I really helping them or am I trying to help myself?


I want to be stuck in a cave far away from humanity. I want to go unseen. I want to move along the crevices of existence cloaked by the black of night. I want to be sheltered by the silence of my thoughts. They won't be silenced. I want to numb my thoughts with food, self medicated in the comfort of being uncomfortable, but I can't. My desire to do so is fading so I sit here tonight and I write, fighting to live a life that I've never lived. Tonight I sit lost in a poetic slur.

Back From Break - April 25, 2014

It's good to be back! I have just had the most wonderful, peaceful, restful break. I hope everyone had a lovely holiday weekend and Spring Break.


I cooked most of the time while we were on break, but I will report that we did get take out 3 times. It was good and so was I. I did not order extra foods for binging. I tried to order foods that were healthy...a whole meal if you will. I purposely avoided sandwiches for myself because that would only be a tease and could trigger a binge. There was one night when I had two handfuls of vanilla wafers. That night was my only weak moment...pretty good, eh. I wouldn't really call that a binge because it had been several hours since we ate dinner. We ate around 5:30 or so. I had not eaten anything else until the cookies. I count that as being pretty good.


Breakfasts are much easier to deal with. Now, I will say this...there were no stresses over the break period. We started to have company, but I found it to be a little too stressful having to get ready for guests. Besides, having company does not equate to taking a break, especially when breaks rarely occur. No company this go 'round. Not having stresses made it much easier to stay on task. The scheduled eating time is really working for me. My mind is much more receptive to accepting time as opposed to sensation. There are not excuses when it comes to scheduling times to eat.


It feels good to write again. I'm so glad to be sitting here writing in my blog again. There were moments when I was tempted to write, only because I miss talking to you guys, but I made myself stay true to myself and adhered to my own wishes for having this break. I needed a break from everything.


It won't be long before having my therapy session. I plan on talking more in depth about the letter to myself. As I stated before, an emotion came up from a pivotal point in my life that I need to take time to address. I usually like to process things of this nature, having all my pros and cons in place before discussing it with my therapist. When I do that, I feel like I'm giving her a complete thought as opposed to something random. We only have an hour and I like to make good use of the time.


My plan is to resume writing my letter or at least asking more questions and answering them without thought to see what comes up. That's pretty much how things happened the last time. I posed my question and an emotion poured out without thought, which was startling, but a revelation too. The emotion that emerged gave me reason as to why I made the decision I made and why I've been carrying a looming feeling of nothingness. I hope more emotions emerge this weekend. I ready this time... And if it doesn't happen, that's okay too. I'll just keep writing.


I'm also glad to report that I have not had crackers as a meal for some time now. This was not a decision of mine, it sort of came out of necessity when I found that my son had eaten the rest of my crackers one night. I freaked at first...wondering what to do. My initial thought was that I would have great difficulty eating anything other than my crackers. Lo and behold, the crackers may have been a bit of a crutch. Once again, appeasing my mind which made me believe that I could not tolerate eating anything other than crackers first thing in the day. That theory has been proven wrong. I can eat other foods, just small portions. So I am still eating eggs for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and then dinner. I usually don't have an evening snack nor do I eat a late night snack every night.


It's time to take a serious look at exercising. I'm really going to need it now for two reasons. I am eating at my optimum and want to increase my metabolism, especially since I'm giving my body enough fuel to do so. Exercising regularly will also help me deal with stress better. I'm thinking that I will need to do some stretches and deep breathing exercises at first. This should help me cope with the emotions that I'll have to face while writing my letter. I am at a critical point. My eating seems to be on track and steady. I am feeling hunger in the morning and my body is getting used to having the calories. At this time it is key to find and maintain ways to deal with stress. Stress in the number one cause for my downfalls; after stress comes the depression and finally guilt. By then my eating is off track and I have to start from square one again. I don't want that to happen. Everything has been really good so far. One tiny step at a time...One day at a time.


It won't be long before I've reached 30 days of eating well. Should I count the cookie thing as a mini binge? Maybe for argument's sake I'll hold off on claiming 30 days without binging. I want it to be solid. I'm satisfied with the way things are now and look forward to many more good days and nights.

April 16, 2014

Today is Wednesday. I continue to feel empowered by my decision to create an eating schedule. It is working well for me. I won't say it's perfect, but I'm so much better than I was. I'm eating more regularly during the day, getting in 2 to three good meals a day. I'm eating actual meals and not just packs of crackers. Yes, I'm managing to eat eggs for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and then dinner. Some days I even eaten a small snack early evening. That's quite a feat.


As usual, when I've started to conquer one area another area of weakness wants to appear. I've been having cravings for the past 3 nights. Not too bad the first night, but last night was a doozy. I roamed feverishly around the kitchen in search of something sweet. I couldn't find anything so I ate a small serving of a leftover rice dish. It wasn't what I wanted and my mind continued to roam. I went to my computer to surf Youtube for a while until I felt sleepy enough to go to bed.


I hope tonight will not be as bad as last night. I did manage to find a can of pears in extra light syrup and set them aside in case the urges get strong again. I fear they will be strong tonight. I'm craving right now and it's only 9:22pm. I'll probably spend more time at my computer tonight. Maybe eat the pears then, not right away. I'll surf the web for awhile and if I still feel the urge I'll get the pears. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan. 


The bouncing back and forth is to be expected, I guess, but I wasn't prepared for this. What can I say, I was too busy enjoying my new strength and feelings of empowerment...and I still am. It's just now the cravings are back and stronger than ever, even to the point of desperation. I'm holding on as best I can. Maybe it's a good thing that we are almost out of snacks...then again, maybe not. I'm supposed to go shopping this weekend. I'll really need strength then.


Onward and upward as I continue to hold on the faith as if my life depends on it...because it does. This is my life, I've got to make this right. Staying strong...