Thankful for the Slow Progress

I used to wonder why some of the people from the TV show The Biggest Loser struggled to maintain their weight loss. The first season winner claimed he celebrated his weight loss by eating a burger and fries. What could it hurt to have something he’d been craving for a few months? It seemed harmless enough until he found himself back at his original pre-show weight.  I read that a spin-off show, The Big Fat Truth was created inviting several winners from previous seasons of the original show to participate. I’m not sure how they thought a second show utilizing pretty much the same methods would help outside of losing the weight again. Did the creators of the show consider addressing what caused the participants to put on the weight other than “biological factors” and “bad behaviors?” This is a testament to the danger of shedding a lot of weight without addressing the root cause.  That being said, it’s obvious the creators of the show didn’t get it. Critics of The Big Fat Truth made this statement, “Roth's new show is another version of what they see as a dangerous approach to weight loss that favors quick results over science.”  I’m sure there are a great many people that can attest to the dangers of quick weight loss. I’ve certainly had my share of ups, downs, and merry-go-rounds. That’s why this time I’m taking it nice and slow.

I’ve been on my weight loss journey for several years, but that doesn’t mean I was always actively dieting and exercising. I knew from much trial and error that I needed to start my journey at the beginning, not the end. In other words, I didn’t need to focus on the current behaviors without revisiting my past taking a long, hard, honest look at the significance it had on my previous and current weight gain.

The first couple years I spent much time figuring out who I am outside of who I was created to be by my parents. There had to be more to me than being a product of abuse or victim of circumstance. I found that to be a great place to start with therapy. It wouldn’t be until after I started to figure out who I am and how to love myself that the weight would begin to shed. Slow and steady. The 3^rd and 4^th years my self-worth came up and I was able to enjoy doing good things for myself like being more consistent with exercising and eating better. There were many struggles and periods of uncertainty where I found it difficult to maintain good habits, but I didn’t give up and that’s what made the difference. That’s why I’m still in the game. In the distant past, I would have given up before completing year 1 and I would not have looked back until several years and a few health concerns later.

Now I’m looking at years 5 and 6. Year 7 will start this Fall. I’ve lost a significant amount of weight. There is still a ways to go, but I’m in no hurry. I am thankful for slow progress. I’ve finally crossed a threshold I haven’t seen since pregnancy. Are there still struggles? Yes. Slow progress allows me the time I need to face and confront my struggles head-on. There have been slips here and there. I’m struggling with fear and triggers as I move towards weights I haven’t seen since my 20s, but that’s okay. I’m praying for strength and wisdom.

My newest method for dealing with triggers is working. This past winter season I fell head-first into a binge frenzy that I could not work my way out of. While praying it came to me to stop focusing on losing weight. Make my focus on maintaining the progress I’ve made. This train of thought tricked my mind and kept me from getting majorly depressed while dealing with the binging. If I were still hyper-focused on losing weight, knowing that my behaviors were making me gain weight, I could have potentially spiraled out of control just on the guilt alone. But somehow thinking of maintaining my progress made the struggle a little less damning and I was able to think about my behaviors one day at a time, not focusing on any particular measure of loss or gain. I just focused on decreasing the binging as best I can for that one day. I did gain a few pounds, but have since turned the binging around and am losing those pounds again. No major setbacks, moving forward.  

Onward and Upward!

Gaining The Ability To See Progress And Still Be Okay

Hi there. How are you doing? Are you  having a good Summer so far? I can't complain. As a matter of fact I have quite a bit to be thankful for. I don't have any particular plans other than continuing to embrace the advocacy work that I've been doing for almost a year now. It's going very well. I'm meeting some really incredible people who are as passionate about advocacy as I am, if not more. New opportunities are opening up for me and my skill set in increasing by leaps and bounds. My son's health is better also. Food is not making him suffer. He enjoys the foods that I'm cooking and he's responding well to the medicines he's taking. We did go through a period where his seizures increased dramatically, landing us in the ER a few times. With many prayers and a few adjustments to medications he seems to be doing well.

It's been a long time since I've seen my son so happy, even though I've witnessed him smile through much of his pain for the past three years. It's different now. I can tell he feels much better. I sit here listening to his inaudible chatter and contagious laughter and smile to myself, taking mental note of my gratitude.

In my last post I wrote about becoming aware of my self-sabotaging mindset whenever I've managed to achieve a weight loss goal or an exercise goal or even an eating goal for that fact. I've been spending a lot of time praying about this thing, because I honestly didn't have a clue what to do about it. I needed answers to questions I could barely voice. I'm still seeking answers and while I'm seeking those answers I'm systematically compiling more questions. While all of this this is going on, I turn my attention towards the self I see in the mirror and I begin to see what looks like change. As I stare at my reflection I wonder if what I see is real.

Have you ever come to a point in a situation where you simply don't know which way to go? It doesn't matter how much you think about it, you still have no clue and as soon as frustration sets in, you shift gears and begin willing your thoughts to disappear. Before long you might find yourself in a vicious cycle of trying to overcome something that you don't know how to overcome and getting angrier by the moment because you can't to do this on you own.

Part of my Christian belief is that we as believers should not try to navigate life's trials and tribulations on our own. We are taught to rely on God, to seek Him in all that we do. Why is it so hard to put this into practice? The way I see it, it's because we are fixated on seeing self...not our whole self, just the parts we don't like. We read books on how to help self. We seek out inspirational speakers that say to us, rely on self...believe in self. As a matter of fact, since the beginning of our being we are conditioned to focus solely on self. Even much of our faith practice is focused on self, what we want from God...not what God wants from us. And if that isn't enough of a track towards narcissism we go one step further and expand our focus on how the world sees us and that image becomes the image we pay most attention to. We use the world as our mirror and almost always hate what we see. And so every thing we do, say, experience, and want is centered around the image of self that we want to portray to the world. We want to be better than what the world sais we are. Okay, so let me ask this... How can we Christians see God if all we see is the world's view of self? And how can we see God in ourselves if we don't like what self looks like? I'll even go one step further and ask, how do we learn to trust God and love Him with our whole heart if we don't think He made us right...if we think that God made a mistake when He made us? Have you ever thought about that and how that kind of thinking affects us on every level?

I'm starting to understand why there's such a profound level of negative self and body image. I don't know one other person that is happy with the way God made them...not one. And though I've never had an issue with the way God made me, I've spent the majority of my life loathing what life's circumstances created me to be...fat and afraid.

A couple weeks ago I was about to write a post on not being able to see change. I sat down, opened my blog and attempted to type out the first sentence. Something inside of me would not let me complete that sentence. I closed my blog and began working on something else. A few days past, random thoughts dashing across my mind. "Wonder why I can't see any change?" "Is it because I've been so heavy for so long that I'm not able to see myself any other way?" "Maybe I need to try wearing a smaller size." Of course, at that time I was afraid to try a smaller size. I didn't want to endure anticipation followed by the disappointment of a smaller size still being the too tight. Another thought crossed my mind, "Could it be that I'm not able to see progress for fear of sabotaging myself again?" That was it. It became clear to me that my inability to handle progress will always be a stronghold if I don't seek help from God, because I can't get past this on my own.

Sometimes when I ask God for answers He answers me right away. Other times, He takes me through a process...a journey. I've learned, when asking God to help me change something about myself, in order to achieving change it often requires a process. This time the process is to shift my focus from seeing the world view of self to seeing God's creation.

With the help of God I was able to spend the first year of my journey working towards better physical health by increasing awareness of my emotions and their link to my eating disorder. He also helped me find the courage to look in a mirror and see the image I'd been running from, because my image was everything the world considered wrong. I had to learn how to see my body, not as what the world sees, but as it was created by God and what He intended my body to be.

This is what the bible has to say about that. 1 Corinthians 3:16-17 Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? If any man destroys the temple of God, God will destroy him, for the temple of God is holy, and that is what you are.

Now that I am learning to see myself in the light in which I am meant to be seen, I can better handle the progress I'm making and know that I'm going to be alright because the darkness of negative thoughts cannot penetrate the light of seeing myself through God's eyes.

Onward and Upward!

Sharing Progress

Hi everyone! I hope that you are still on the road to wellness. If not, don't worry the road is still there. You'll just have to make your way back. As you know, the road to wellness has many hills and valleys. What makes the path a successful one is when we accept and acknowledge that hills and valleys will come and continue working hard to achieve our goals.

WE ALL CAN ACHIVE IT, IF WE BELIEVE IT 

I've been thinking about you and hoping the best for you. I have not written in some time. I don't want to risk being redundant or mundane, so I pace myself that I am able to give you up to date information as it occurs. Sometimes I go through periods of time with little to no change. Which is a  good thing for me most of the time. I hope the breaks aren't too long and that you will continue reading my posts.

There's not too much going on with me. I am pleased to say that I'm still eating very well during the day. I've had a couple night binges since my last post, but doing much better. Things seem to be on the right course now that I've gotten a much better handle on daytime eating. Still having to rely on late night snacks, but I don't have to have them every night. I prepare them still, but only eat the snack if I feel I really need it.

I'm in a much better place with myself. I feel love for myself and I'm working on having a healthy relationship with myself. My afformations are working. I didn't think they would at first, but they really are. I'm glad I stuck to it this time. I'm still struggling with my letter to self. Been talking to the therapist about it and we both agree this is something that I'll need to keep at the forefront. Not to push myself too much, but give the task my attention from time to time. Eventually, I will get the 1st letter written. 

You opinion is needed. I've been thinking about doing a few audio posts in this blog. Is that something you'd be interested in? I figure it might be nice to just listen sometimes. Please let me know if you think you'd like to listen to a few posts. I may do a test audio post and ask your opinion then. You comments are always appreciated.

(Alert: Potential Trigger)
On the down side, I went to see my doctor about a week ago. Of course you know the first thing I had to do was to get on the scale. I don't understand why they insist weighing has to happen each visit, especially with someone who is diagnosed with an ED. I wonder if it would help that I mention this while setting up appointments? Anyway, I got on the scale and to my dismay, discovered that I'd gained weight. I wish I could get the number out of my head. I have not let new discovery disturb or disrupt the progress I've made. I acknowledge the effect it could have on me, so I make it a point to be extra mindful of eating for my health everyday. I've been doing so well lately. I can't bare the thought of falling back to my old ways. I don't know why I've gained weight. Right now all I can do is continue thinking healthy and changing some of the things that I've been eating. I'm not going to get hyper focused on this. Please don't allow my words to trigger you.

On to happier subjects. My skin in looking better and I will be seeing a new dermatologist soon. I've been seeing my old dermatologist for many years. I think he's just tired of seeing me and really doesn't care anymore. It's largely because I question his judgment sometimes. I don't like taking lots of pills and I'm particularly weary of side effects. Needless to say, I don't give in easy. Perhaps he's just tired of the fight.

I had my godson over for a movie night before his birthday. He just turned 21. It doesn't seem like it's been 21 years, not to mention, my son is turning 15 next month. Time is moving way too fast. (sigh) In the past, my godson's visits have been a source of great binging pleasure. We've always had a history of eating everything we wanted on the nights that he visits. I guess one could rationalize it and say we were having a foodie vacation. The reality was that I had an eating partner and enjoyed sharing the wealth. I've only recently accepted the fact that I did this. For the past few years I've been encouraging my godson to eat less when visiting us. I wasn't that strict and would often give in to his sad puppy dog eyes when gazing at a delectable treat. Since I've come to terms with severity of my situation I've become much more strict. He doesn't like it, but that's how it has to be. I can't afford to keep binging with him and I don't want to encourage him to binge, especially now that I can see what is was all along...a love of mass quantities of food after dark.

During his last visit I treated him to Chinese food, which he loves. This time we were only allowed one entre, one appetizer and one snack for later on. I knew he was disappointed and tried to hide it, but I also noticed the he was satisfied with the quantity of food. That he did not gorge himself as he used to, but was forced to allowed himself time to feel full. Yes, I am doing the right thing...for both of us. Oddly enough, my son never got into the binging on movie night. I'm so very glad about that.

All in all, I think that I have made great strides on many levels. I can see a rainbow at the end of the tunnel. I continue to hope that my words encourage you. Wellness is achievable for all of us if only we don't give up. Stay strong...be encouraged, especially during the rough patches and celebrate your accomplishments as they come.

Give yourselves a hug today and here's a great big hug from me to you (((((HUG)))).

Take good care my friends, continue on your journey to wellness. You are not alone.