Damn!

I can’t tell if I’m struggling more this year than other years or if it just feels like it.

Hi, it’s been a couple of months since I’ve written here. There has been a fair share of ups and downs on this leg of my recovery journey as well as with my son’s health. He’s getting over a very bad asthma episode. It was the first time he’s ever gone to the emergency room due to asthma. The more I pray and work to find ways to combat his illnesses the more they seem to persist. Doctors aren’t much help. He’s doing better so far. I pray he continues doing well.  

It wasn’t that long ago I came down from a period of binge eating. I haven’t yet stabilized completely. My eating has improved over the past couple months. Me exercising is another matter. I’ve made attempts to exercise more. To be completely honest I’m exhausted. In March I had what seemed like month-long anxiety attach. It happened in waves. I started feeling better April and May. Binge eating stopped as I turned my focus toward much more rewarding subjects like creativity which I’ve had abundantly lately. I’m not mad about that. There were days I had to pull in the reins so not to lose focus on projects I needed to get done. I’ve also done well to stay away from donuts which can be an intense trigger for me.

Am I back on the right road to recovery. Not yet. Today I had a mini-binge after church. What was the trigger? Church. My church, in particular, is not a haven. I’m not sure why this is. Everyone else seems to be happy there. Maybe it’s me. I left with an old familiar feeling of being unloved and unwanted which lead to a deep heaviness in my heart that also translated to my limbs. I managed to pick-up something for lunch. When I returned home, I found my son taking a nap, so I sat at my computer and voraciously ate a few chicken legs, wings, and cheesy potatoes, after which I nodded a bit. When I woke up, I could barely move. My body was heavy as if weights were on me. It took every bit of energy I had to get lunch for my son. I had to lie down. I cried, asking God why am I so unlovable. TD Jakes was on my tables. I watched a couple of sermons and felt better.  At least I’m able to move around. I’ll try to get a few things done before I call it a night. In the meantime, I wanted to take a moment to share my thoughts with you.

Sorry I haven’t been around more. There are so many things I need and want to get done and do. Until I’m able to sort out my schedule, this is the best I can do. I’ll have more time to write this month and next. So I’ll take the opportunity to do so.

Going to get something else to eat. Onward but not upward for now. I have hope that tomorrow will be better.

Thank God It's Friday!

First of all, happy Friday to you all! I hope you are as happy to see the week’s end as I am. It’s been a doozy of a week for me. Glad to be able to get away from everything and just chill out for a couple days.

I faced two major triggers this week, one of which I did not see coming. So let’s start with Monday. I was scheduled to do a presentation that evening. Already a bit overwhelmed with everything I have to contend with this month, anxiety is triggered. I’m no stranger to anxiety, but it’s been a while since I’ve experienced it to this level. Usually, it comes and then it goes, so I’m not quite sure why I’m still struggling.

The wave of anxiety started around Thursday of last week. There were times when everything seemed like it was going to be okay and other times when I felt like I was on the verge of panic. I kept my schedule stress free for the weekend and managed to get myself to what I thought was a more comfortable place. Monday comes, all is well except for the low-level anxiety that is still present. I didn’t have time to give thought to my condition. It was all I could do to get ready and then I hear the weather forecast. There’s a strong chance of snow. I know…I know, what’s snow got to do with it? Well, it wouldn’t have much to do with anything if it weren’t for my anxiety deciding to invite PTSD to the party. Now I have to contend with even more negative thoughts compounded by front row tickets to worse case scenario theater and I’m the star. I begin to tremble.

I get in the car, put on a good CD. Snow is just starting to fall as I back out of the driveway. The weather’s not bad and I don’t have far to go. My anxiety seems to be leveling out. I call a friend, put her on speaker phone and partake in jovial conversation until I reach my destination. Okay, so far so good. The sidewalks are a bit slushy. I managed to get inside without slipping. That’s another thing. When I was much heavier, my worst nightmare was falling in public. I promised myself If I ever fell in public I’d just lie there pretending to pass out, hoping witnesses would feel a bit of compassion if they thought something was wrong. End of confession. On the elevator, I feel a rise in my anxiety and take a few deep breaths, thankful I arrived early so I could give myself time to calm down. Turns out that wasn’t a good idea after all. The person presenting before was beyond awesome. Her presentation was dynamic. Overall it was engaging, funny, impactful, insightful, and at times jaw-dropping. It was everything and a bag of chips with a drink on the side. Damn!

I’m thinking, why didn’t I stay home. As the presenter winds down my anxiety wound up and is set to go off. Panic in progress! It was too late to turn back. There’s nowhere to go but forward. So I did. A few minutes into my presentation I call it quits. This is the perfect calling card for a binge fest. Guess what – I didn’t binge.

I’m having a mental celebration of my triumph when the second trigger happens on Wednesday. This is the one I didn’t see coming. I was joking around with a few friends when one whispered something inappropriate in my ear. I was shocked, no, more like shook. I wasn’t able to respond as I should have. This is the very substance of the thing that causes me to gain and maintain an unhealthy weight. My weight was my badge of shame as well as a band-aid for pain. As long as I was heavier my dad didn’t rape me or sell me. As long as I was heavier I could go unnoticed, unwanted. I know this sounds like a bad thing to say and I apologize for that. Being heavy does not equate to being unattractive. What made me unattractive was letting go of everything and being my most possible worse. I told myself if anyone liked me in that state they were a true friend.

Have you ever been asked the question, “If you had a superpower which superpower would it be?” My answer was always to be invisible because I could not bear the thought of being seen. I’ve been fortunate enough to be aware of the severity of this feeling and have been working on getting better for some time. I have gotten better. I’ve finally worked my way to being a little comfortable with public speaking. I publicly share stories about my childhood and the things I’ve been blessed to learn and do toward having good mental health. Even with all the work I’ve put into this issue, I still sometimes fall into sabotage mode. Remember, I just got past my last bout with this problem a couple weeks ago.  

The fear of someone coming on to me whether serious or in jest all feel s the same. What made this situation worse is that he knew my history. He knew about the abuse.  I wasn’t able to respond the way I should have, which is not unusual for me in most situations. When he walked away, I just sat there wondering how something like this could have happened without me having the smallest inkling of the possibility. My head began to pound, my chest tightened. I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. I wanted to cry.

It is now Friday. I thank God for it being Friday. I survived two of my biggest triggers and am no worse for wear at the moment. Wow! Prayer is a mighty thing. I’ve been praying for God’s help with my fears, triggers, and weaknesses. He’s answering my prayers. This week I have not binged. My hope…to continue not binging.  Taking it one step at a time, one day at a time.

Onward and Upward!   

Thankful for the Slow Progress

I used to wonder why some of the people from the TV show The Biggest Loser struggled to maintain their weight loss. The first season winner claimed he celebrated his weight loss by eating a burger and fries. What could it hurt to have something he’d been craving for a few months? It seemed harmless enough until he found himself back at his original pre-show weight.  I read that a spin-off show, The Big Fat Truth was created inviting several winners from previous seasons of the original show to participate. I’m not sure how they thought a second show utilizing pretty much the same methods would help outside of losing the weight again. Did the creators of the show consider addressing what caused the participants to put on the weight other than “biological factors” and “bad behaviors?” This is a testament to the danger of shedding a lot of weight without addressing the root cause.  That being said, it’s obvious the creators of the show didn’t get it. Critics of The Big Fat Truth made this statement, “Roth's new show is another version of what they see as a dangerous approach to weight loss that favors quick results over science.”  I’m sure there are a great many people that can attest to the dangers of quick weight loss. I’ve certainly had my share of ups, downs, and merry-go-rounds. That’s why this time I’m taking it nice and slow.

I’ve been on my weight loss journey for several years, but that doesn’t mean I was always actively dieting and exercising. I knew from much trial and error that I needed to start my journey at the beginning, not the end. In other words, I didn’t need to focus on the current behaviors without revisiting my past taking a long, hard, honest look at the significance it had on my previous and current weight gain.

The first couple years I spent much time figuring out who I am outside of who I was created to be by my parents. There had to be more to me than being a product of abuse or victim of circumstance. I found that to be a great place to start with therapy. It wouldn’t be until after I started to figure out who I am and how to love myself that the weight would begin to shed. Slow and steady. The 3^rd and 4^th years my self-worth came up and I was able to enjoy doing good things for myself like being more consistent with exercising and eating better. There were many struggles and periods of uncertainty where I found it difficult to maintain good habits, but I didn’t give up and that’s what made the difference. That’s why I’m still in the game. In the distant past, I would have given up before completing year 1 and I would not have looked back until several years and a few health concerns later.

Now I’m looking at years 5 and 6. Year 7 will start this Fall. I’ve lost a significant amount of weight. There is still a ways to go, but I’m in no hurry. I am thankful for slow progress. I’ve finally crossed a threshold I haven’t seen since pregnancy. Are there still struggles? Yes. Slow progress allows me the time I need to face and confront my struggles head-on. There have been slips here and there. I’m struggling with fear and triggers as I move towards weights I haven’t seen since my 20s, but that’s okay. I’m praying for strength and wisdom.

My newest method for dealing with triggers is working. This past winter season I fell head-first into a binge frenzy that I could not work my way out of. While praying it came to me to stop focusing on losing weight. Make my focus on maintaining the progress I’ve made. This train of thought tricked my mind and kept me from getting majorly depressed while dealing with the binging. If I were still hyper-focused on losing weight, knowing that my behaviors were making me gain weight, I could have potentially spiraled out of control just on the guilt alone. But somehow thinking of maintaining my progress made the struggle a little less damning and I was able to think about my behaviors one day at a time, not focusing on any particular measure of loss or gain. I just focused on decreasing the binging as best I can for that one day. I did gain a few pounds, but have since turned the binging around and am losing those pounds again. No major setbacks, moving forward.  

Onward and Upward!

Being More Aware Makes All The Difference

I've learned a lot on this journey. One of my biggest lessons is to pay close attention to my emotions and reactions to different things that may affect progress. Triggers for example. Though I have gained the ability to deal more healthfully with emotional peaks and valleys, but I still have triggers that are not as noticeable, at least not to me. For example, in my last post I wrote about finding success in failure. The success was that I crossed over a weight threshold that eluded me for 16+ years. What I did not expect and what I obviously did not pay attention to in the past was the overwhelming feeling of fear when I realize I've achieved another goal. It's subtle at first, so I didn't really think of it much. By the following week I was in full binge mode. I found myself in a battle of wills. The will to continue moving forward with my progress and the lack of will to fight off cravings. The vicious cycle reared it's ugly head.

It was all consuming. Everyday I dealt with urges so strong they'd actually stop me in my tracks. One day I was going to do a couple loads of laundry. As I collected items to wash an overwhelming urge to get pizza came over me. I literally stopped in my tracks, looked towards the front door and almost gave in to the need to feed. I managed to fight it off for a bit, but the cravings continued in waves. Sometimes the urges were so strong that all I could do was stand right where I stood and not move...not speak...and try not to think until the wave was over.

Wednesday was the hardest day. Thought of pizza whirled around my mind. All kinds...every kind... The waves of urges to feed were unstoppable. I refused to give up. I put all my energy into not walking out the front door. Not even to take the trash out. When it seemed as though I was going to lose the battle, I picked up the phone and called my cousin. She too struggles with binging. As soon as she answered I warned her and asked for forgiveness for possibly triggering her with what I was about to say. She gave me the go-ahead...I began to share my plight. She understood and fortunately was not triggered. She listened as I rambled on frequently switching between the subject of the foods I wanted to devour and my desperate plea for help to get past the whole thing.

Exhausted, I felt as though I were being bludgeoned and all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole to lick my battered emotions and bruised ego. Then my cousin asked a very interesting question. She wanted to know if I had anything in the house to make a pizza with or something pizza like. I did. I had turkey pepperoni in the fridge and a couple gluten free tortillas in the pantry. In almost an instant I became calm. My cousin noticed and spoke to it. Even as I sit here reliving my experience I can still feel the calm that came over me with a simple question. I made my makeshift pizza. It was delicious and it took away all the cravings. I was satisfied and did not binge. Thank you, Cuz! You threw me a lifeline that day. I'll always be grateful for it. Love you much!!

Being aware of my emotional cycle during that period made all the difference.

I'm glad to report that progress still continues. I have not weighed since my last drs. visit and presume that I will not weigh until my next drs. visit in a few months. In the meantime, I continue to exercise 30-45 minutes every night. If I feel tired or sick I remind myself of my commitment to do at least 10 minutes. Often I feel much better once I get started and can go for the full time. I also really appreciate that I've started following through on opportunities to walk more.

I'm feeling better. I'm starting to look better. I'm eating healthier than I ever eaten before.

Onward and Upward!

Dealing with triggers: The Ugly Button - 5/15/14

I joined an online support group yesterday. I wasn't sure how I'd like it, but the experience has been good so far. The group is pretty large, but it feels small and intimate. I like that.


There were some wonderful responses to the short introduction I posted. Questions were being asked about NES and others even chimed in and said thank you for joining because they too suffer from NES and it's almost never heard of. Can I tell you...it was wonderful to speak with people who knew just where I was coming from. People who could describe feeling and behaviors that I was all too familiar with. Wonderful connections were being made. However, everything has two sides. For every good there is bad. The bad thing is nothing that's being done intentionally. What is it? Triggers. Triggers that occur when reading emotionally intense posts. It can't be helped. EDs, addictions, abuse, disabilities, life itself...all these things come with pluses and minuses. When we are invited to speak about our issues there's always the risk of triggering others. I don't see any way around it except to never speak. What good would that do? Silence is worse than the actual triggers themselves.


The people in the group are very nice and yes, some of the subject matter is very intense. I'm already feeling kind of weirded out by the fact that so many beautiful people aren't able to see their own beauty. I want to scream and take the whole feeling ugly thing, wrap it up and tuck it into a place where no one can find it. It's a reminder of how ugly I see myself. If I were to describe myself in one word it would be...leprous. I can except my own feelings of inadequacy, but I am not coping well will with others feeling this way. They are all so beautiful. I know...the way I'm thinking is not fair to myself or them. They have their reasons for feeling the way they do just as I do. Perhaps it's too painful to see the pain of others when I'm having trouble seeing my own.


The more posts I read the angrier I feel. Not at the people for feeling the way they feel, but angry about living in a society where we are conditioned to feel ugly if we don't fit societal molds.


HOW DARE society think they are doing us a justice by making a "conscious" effort to depict and appreciate what is already beautiful! HOW DARE it be an effort at all to show women with voluptuous curves or people with rich skin tones! What happened to us that so many of us hate what we see in the mirror? Why is there so much shame in having a pimple, frizzy hair, being chubby, thin or whatever other superficial what not we can come up with? How are we to feel good when everything tell us to feeling bad?


Confession: I used to be obsessed with wanting to fix other peoples problems.


Other peoples problems were a welcomed distraction. My issues were ever present, ominous, venomous and I needed an escape. I would retreat into myself, draw or read books, but my favorite past time was dissecting the problems of others and obsessing over finding solutions. I was the self proclaimed Trojan of resolution. Bring all your problems to me and I will help you solve them. I was about as useful as a snake oil salesman. Though I must admit, there were some benefits to taking a situation, breaking it down and presenting it in a way that may not have been previously explored. It sometimes opened the doorway for individuals to take another look at their situations and search for answers within themselves. That would be the most reasonable intent for my process, but instead, I took it up a few notches and bought into my need to be needed.


Thanks to being self aware, I put a lot of effort to undoing the need to be needed along with undoing the need for people to serve specific roles in my life. It feels so much better to simply enjoy people for the sake of enjoying them and not having them lined up like a list of to dos. Now that I am freed from trying to solve the world's problem I can redirect my energy into the healing process. I will have to periodically remind myself that I can empathize without giving into the impulse to fix or solve things. I will also work on allowing myself to feel pain and then release it.


I'm still eating rye bread for breakfast every morning. Today I had two slices of rye bread with a little peanut butter. Lunch was an egg and cheese frittata and dinner will be left over chili from last night's impromptu dinner. 

March 15, 2014

Having some issues with anxiety for the past few days. Not unbearable, but very noticeable. I'm getting to the point where I want to be in my house. Been out quite a bit and am needing a break from the rest of the world.


Today's food intake was a little better than yesterday. I ate my usual breakfast of peanut butter crackers and water this morning at 8:47am. Lunch was a little late. Even though a good friend called me at 1pm with a lunchtime reminder, I still did not get around to eating until after 2pm. For lunch I had leftovers from last night's dinner, veggie, pasta and turkey sausage dish and a cup of water. It was just enough. Dinner consisted of 3 chicken wings (fried), approx. 2 tbls. mac-n-cheese and approx. 2 tbls. string beans and a cup of Snapple grape punch.


I'm not feeling enthusiastic about meal preparations lately. That concerns me a great deal. Not being excited or at least have a mental picture of what to prepare can potentially leave me open to bad eating behaviors. I'm starting to get tired of eating to some extent even though I want so much to eat like a normal person. Not sure how to combat this. I refuse to get overly worked up. It could be my anxiety rising that's triggering my urge for non-compliance.


The odd thing about all of this. I don't really have an urge for a late night snack. There is a little danger lurking. I have cake in the house. Two slices of butter pound cake with vanilla frosting. I wanted to eat mine right after dinner, but I was already satisfied. The chances of this slice of cake seeing the light of day tomorrow is slim to none. I don't mind eating the cake itself, I just don't want eating something sweet to trigger an urge for a larger feed. Not to mention that I need to be sure to give my son his slice or else that one will be consumed also. I don't usually have deserts lying around the house, so this is a treat for us. There may be the occasional cookie or frozen yogurt, but cake...now that's something special. I love to bake, but I dare not, unless it's a holiday and we're having friends and family over. Controlling late night urges to binge will completely break down if I have a whole cake in the house. Freezing it won't work either. And I promise you, I really don't want to see myself walking around sucking on another piece of frozen cake...been there...done that.


It's 10:08 now. Not sure what to do about the cake. I'm starting to regret having it. If I don't eat it tonight, then when is a good time to eat it. Do I wait for an urge for something sweet to hit? If I do, I could end up throwing my cake away. I wouldn't be the first time.


Okay, I'm going to get ready for bed. I'll put the cake away. If I want it bad enough...I'll eat it and if I can forget it, then I'll worry about it tomorrow.

February 26, 2014

I managed to get through the night without binging. A huge help was to be able to share my feeling with a friend. She responded well and understood where I was coming from. There are times when I feel being honest about myself is a detriment because people do not want to hear my truth. Thankfully my very good friend is trying to understand and takes time to really hear what I am saying.


Anxiety levels are dropping. I continue to celebrate having a cleansing conversation with a friend and running a few necessary errands yesterday. Now I can relax. I don't have to leave the house today or even tomorrow. Just the thought brings me great peace. Dealing with triggers and having to go into public areas is a cause for stress. Fortunately the stress has dissipated and my need to seek comfort has lessened.


I was a bit exhausted after my ordeal yesterday, so I ordered pizza instead of cooking. I found the strength to order only what my son and I could eat for dinner having a little left for a snack. I have to set up pre-measured snack when I am at risk of binging. It calms my mind knowing that I have something to eat waiting in the wings. If I do not have the comfort of knowing that I have clear access to a snack a binge is almost sure to occur. Another thing I do to help combat bouts of insomnia is to utilize that time to be creative. Yes, I am tired from being up all day and taking care of many tasks throughout the day, but it is better to find something useful to do rather than fight the inevitable. It is during those hours when the house is quiet and all daily tasks are done that I can focus on my most personal trials. I can put time and attention into healing the wounds of my tormented past. I sometimes think out loud at time recording it to listen to later. Other times I may attempt to write my feelings out in the form of poetry. And then there are those times where I am able to sit at my drafting table and begin sketching out visions. Focusing on expressing my thoughts in some form or format helps me not to binge. Purging my thought is kind of like letting excess air out of a balloon so it doesn't pop. It's a relief.



I ate 2 slices of pizza last night and that was enough. I don't think I'm in danger of binging tonight. To be on the safe side I will prepare a snack...just in case.