Damn!

I can’t tell if I’m struggling more this year than other years or if it just feels like it.

Hi, it’s been a couple of months since I’ve written here. There has been a fair share of ups and downs on this leg of my recovery journey as well as with my son’s health. He’s getting over a very bad asthma episode. It was the first time he’s ever gone to the emergency room due to asthma. The more I pray and work to find ways to combat his illnesses the more they seem to persist. Doctors aren’t much help. He’s doing better so far. I pray he continues doing well.  

It wasn’t that long ago I came down from a period of binge eating. I haven’t yet stabilized completely. My eating has improved over the past couple months. Me exercising is another matter. I’ve made attempts to exercise more. To be completely honest I’m exhausted. In March I had what seemed like month-long anxiety attach. It happened in waves. I started feeling better April and May. Binge eating stopped as I turned my focus toward much more rewarding subjects like creativity which I’ve had abundantly lately. I’m not mad about that. There were days I had to pull in the reins so not to lose focus on projects I needed to get done. I’ve also done well to stay away from donuts which can be an intense trigger for me.

Am I back on the right road to recovery. Not yet. Today I had a mini-binge after church. What was the trigger? Church. My church, in particular, is not a haven. I’m not sure why this is. Everyone else seems to be happy there. Maybe it’s me. I left with an old familiar feeling of being unloved and unwanted which lead to a deep heaviness in my heart that also translated to my limbs. I managed to pick-up something for lunch. When I returned home, I found my son taking a nap, so I sat at my computer and voraciously ate a few chicken legs, wings, and cheesy potatoes, after which I nodded a bit. When I woke up, I could barely move. My body was heavy as if weights were on me. It took every bit of energy I had to get lunch for my son. I had to lie down. I cried, asking God why am I so unlovable. TD Jakes was on my tables. I watched a couple of sermons and felt better.  At least I’m able to move around. I’ll try to get a few things done before I call it a night. In the meantime, I wanted to take a moment to share my thoughts with you.

Sorry I haven’t been around more. There are so many things I need and want to get done and do. Until I’m able to sort out my schedule, this is the best I can do. I’ll have more time to write this month and next. So I’ll take the opportunity to do so.

Going to get something else to eat. Onward but not upward for now. I have hope that tomorrow will be better.