For the past few weeks, I've attempted to do some soul searching, and I still can’t put my finger on why I'm struggling with daily exercise. Exercise had become such a joy to do. I almost never let anything stop me. Even on the hard nights, I was committed to doing at least 15 minutes. I wish I could identify the problem. I can’t even remember when the problem started. I think about exercise. I genuinely want to exercise. I tell myself I need to exercise, and then I do nothing.
My anxiety has gone down quite a bit. I was able to teach and present last week without feeling like the world was about to cave in on me. I think I’m finally developing the process I need to do public speaking engagements more regularly. I also continue doing well with eating. I’ve not binged since the last time I mentioned nor have I starved myself. I’ve indulged in soft-serve cones from McDonald’s here lately. It’s become my favorite Summertime treat. Even still, I’m mindful of what I eat.
I’ve not gone back to church since I had the mini-binge after service. I miss going, but I will not force myself to be part of a group that does not want me. I had enough of that as a child. I promised myself when I grew up I would not willingly be subject to that kind of treatment. Why should I go to church every Sunday with a smile on my face only to have it wiped away by being reminded how much I don’t belong? How dare those people try to make me feel I’m not good enough. I even endured rejection when I opened my heart and my home to a few of the members. I’ve come way to far to fall back into that trap. I am good enough. I know that for a fact and no one can tell me different. Hmph.
So now that I’ve released, I put my soapbox away, and am left with the conundrum, what next. How do I regroup and regain control again? I don’t know. While I figure it out, I will continue to focus on the good.
Onward and Upward!
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