March 15, 2014

Having some issues with anxiety for the past few days. Not unbearable, but very noticeable. I'm getting to the point where I want to be in my house. Been out quite a bit and am needing a break from the rest of the world.


Today's food intake was a little better than yesterday. I ate my usual breakfast of peanut butter crackers and water this morning at 8:47am. Lunch was a little late. Even though a good friend called me at 1pm with a lunchtime reminder, I still did not get around to eating until after 2pm. For lunch I had leftovers from last night's dinner, veggie, pasta and turkey sausage dish and a cup of water. It was just enough. Dinner consisted of 3 chicken wings (fried), approx. 2 tbls. mac-n-cheese and approx. 2 tbls. string beans and a cup of Snapple grape punch.


I'm not feeling enthusiastic about meal preparations lately. That concerns me a great deal. Not being excited or at least have a mental picture of what to prepare can potentially leave me open to bad eating behaviors. I'm starting to get tired of eating to some extent even though I want so much to eat like a normal person. Not sure how to combat this. I refuse to get overly worked up. It could be my anxiety rising that's triggering my urge for non-compliance.


The odd thing about all of this. I don't really have an urge for a late night snack. There is a little danger lurking. I have cake in the house. Two slices of butter pound cake with vanilla frosting. I wanted to eat mine right after dinner, but I was already satisfied. The chances of this slice of cake seeing the light of day tomorrow is slim to none. I don't mind eating the cake itself, I just don't want eating something sweet to trigger an urge for a larger feed. Not to mention that I need to be sure to give my son his slice or else that one will be consumed also. I don't usually have deserts lying around the house, so this is a treat for us. There may be the occasional cookie or frozen yogurt, but cake...now that's something special. I love to bake, but I dare not, unless it's a holiday and we're having friends and family over. Controlling late night urges to binge will completely break down if I have a whole cake in the house. Freezing it won't work either. And I promise you, I really don't want to see myself walking around sucking on another piece of frozen cake...been there...done that.


It's 10:08 now. Not sure what to do about the cake. I'm starting to regret having it. If I don't eat it tonight, then when is a good time to eat it. Do I wait for an urge for something sweet to hit? If I do, I could end up throwing my cake away. I wouldn't be the first time.


Okay, I'm going to get ready for bed. I'll put the cake away. If I want it bad enough...I'll eat it and if I can forget it, then I'll worry about it tomorrow.