Shake The Dust Off

It’s a wonder I haven’t given up entirely by now. I did give up for a time but clung to the hope that I might find the strength to start again. This time, I wasn’t sure how far down I’d go before beginning the climb.

It’s been over a year. To be exact, it’s been one year, three months, and four days since I’ve posted here. Feeling a little relieved to finally face the funk.

Before my untimely hiatus, I was close to being at the top of my weight loss game, eating healthier, fewer binges, and stress levels lessoning. Despite my progress, I still felt the pang of slipping, even after finding out I’d gotten down to my pre-pregnancy weight. I hadn’t seen that number for almost 20 years.

The struggle was getting to me, as evidenced in my last few posts. I thought I’d find an opportunity to write more. I suppose I had the time but lost the inclination.

Fast forward. It’s time for my annual well check. I call to make an appointment later in the week. Still struggling with exercising regularly, but reveling in my unexpected success. I practically skipped into the doctor’s office and leaped onto the scale. Then I did what I call the skidally wop, which is my happy dance, into the examination room. Weight’s good…check, vitals good…check, standard tests done…check. I sit with perfect posture, grinning so hard my eyes squint. I wait patiently for the doctor to enter and render her accolade for my outstanding accomplishment.

Dr. Dash (not her real name) enters the room. She smiles a big smile and proceeds to give me what I’m waiting for. Happiness, happiness, happiness! And then…

A knock and the nurse enters the room. She blurts out a number, smiles, and leaves. Dr. Dash turns to me and sais, “Well, it looks like you’re diabetic.” What?! I’m confused. I’ve lost tons of weight, cut out bread, pasta, rice, wine and, processed sugars (with exception to the occasional binge). I drink nothing but water, exercise almost daily, and I’m at a weight I haven’t seen in 20 years. How is this possible?! Dr. Dash scrolls through my chart and reveals that my past glucose levels were perfect. She writes a prescription and with a stern voice, encourages me to take the medication. I’m at a loss. This can not be happening. Damn!

Already on a slippery slope and now this. I may never regain my composure. My mind shut down, and I began to sink into a pit of despair and denial. I tried taking the new medication for a couple weeks before finally giving up. Screw it. I’d had enough. Let the binge-fest begin! I ate my way through last year, but not like the past. Instead, when I went out, every time I went out, I’d enjoy treating myself to something small like an ice cream cone and a 4 or 10 piece nugget, sometimes medium fries, and water. If I went the sweet route, I’d limit myself to only 2 or 3 of the item of choice. Not too bad, except I stopped exercising altogether.

So here I am, shaking the dust off and starting up once again. I gained a few pounds. The good news, I didn’t gain back as much as I thought. I started exercising about 3 months ago. Not an easy feat after a year off. I no longer purchase treats when I go out. I’m taking it slow. Slow and steady wins the race. I’ve only had one small binge in the last 3 months. I ate 4 packs of peanut butter nabs, a roll of fruit-flavored mentos, and a piece of smoked turkey sausage. It’s not so easy to binge when the result of my shame is readily available by way of glucose levels.

Though I ignored my health for a year. I’ve managed to work my way towards having healthier glucose levels in a relatively short period. I have a doctor’s appointment next week, and I’m looking forward to having a lower A1C. I’m feeling confident about making progress with weight too. It won’t take me long to cross over the threshold again.
 

Onward and Upward!

Are you Still Up for the Challenge?

Hi everyone! How are you doing on the 22 push-ups for 22 days challenge? I posted about starting my challenge on the 30th of last month. It is now the 19th, so it's been 20 days. I actually finished my challenge a couple days ago only because I did double push-ups for a couple days. [pause] I didn't do them back to back. It was more like one set in the morning and one set along with my workout that night. Guess what! I'm able to do knee bends. Not deep ones, but knee bends just the same. I found out by accident and was quite please when my knees didn't sound like crinkly paper. I hate that sound...

Now for the not so good news. I've had some trouble with my eating. Yep. It's been a rough summer. Going through a lot of changes and still going through. I don't know what will come of my situations, but I'm learning not to be so stressed about it. Of course, I'm learning a bout of binging. Not to worry, I'm getting better. I was off for a few weeks. I had a mad love affair with fried chicken. No more of that, not even on occasion for now. I'm much happier eating healthier again. I've not come up with any new recipes or fun thing to do with healthy foods. Hopefully I will be inspired to do so soon.

As far as my troubles, I'm learning how to trust God better. You know...it's easy to say I trust God when things are going pretty well. I find when things are really bad that I want to trust Him, but I tend to worry. With this latest series of situations, I found myself trusting God for something I wanted and when I didn't get it, I felt lost and my trust waivered. Worry and stress became close bedfellows. That's when my eating took a turn for the not so good. It started with just being a little lazy about cooking dinner and then coupons showed up in my mail. How convenient...

My birthday was a little over a week ago. I had been off the fried chicken thing for a while and thought it would be safe to treat myself to a little on my birthday. I told a friend about it. I guess she saw something this time that she had not seem before. Usually she doesn't respond to my stories about overeating or not eating. This time she intervened. I didn't fully understand what she was doing at first. My friend has been sick for a while. She's doing some better, but still struggles with health issues. I haven't been able to be there for her like I want to. I just don't have the energy. I call to check on her when I feel strong enough not to cry on her shoulder. She doesn't need to know about my troubles. She's got enough of her own. Anyway, she offered to cook dinner for me and my son for my birthday. I wasn't sure I wanted her to do that. It would take lots of energy and she hasn't had much energy herself lately, but she insisted. In a moment of thanksgiving...me thanking my friend that is, she stated that she didn't want me to get the fried chicken. Okay, I get it now. So I reached over for the latest set of coupons I had taken out of the mail, tore them to shreds and put them in the garbage. I put the phone down for a second and cried just a little. I couldn't bring myself to tell her how much I really needed that.  

Somehow in the midst of all of everything I managed to complete my 22 day challenge. I'm proud of myself. I kind of enjoyed doing the push-ups. Just earlier today I did 25. I think I'll try to keep this as part of my regular routine. I won't say I'll do push-ups every day, but I will definitely do them more often.

I hope all is well with you. Summer's coming to it's end. I hope you've had a good summer. As for me, I continue asking God to continue blessing me with His grace and tender mercies as I am still in the trenches. It's quiet and still. I'll be praying for peace, joy and prosperity for us all.

A Trip to the Grocery Store

Just getting back from the grocery store. I'm pretty stoked. Been craving sweets for the past few days and doing well with it because I do not have sweets in the house, except a half gallon of frozen vanilla yogurt which is by no means a trigger for my ED.

I only needed a few items and was careful to make a list so I would not have to linger in the store too long. It never fails, I always have that sinking feeling that I've forgotten something no matter how many times I check my list and I usually walk around the store just in case the illusive item comes to mind. I couldn't do that tonight. My cravings for sugar are so strong right now that I'd better not take the chance worrying about a possibly forgotten item. I probably don't need it anyway. Better for me to get out of the store as soon as possible or else a bag of sweets will surely be brought home tonight accompanied by the excuse of purchasing it for my son. If only my son knew how many bags of candy I've purchased for him that he never got. Well, at least it saved him a few extra trips to the dentist.

Time to get to the register. I'm making tracks while checking my list several time. It looks like I've gotten all of the items. A quick right turn and the checkout line is just ahead. Then...it happens. Argh! The mind is a terrible thing sometimes... I'm almost at the register, just gotta get around the chip display and then...my basket comes to a screeching halt. Their I am standing at the end of the dreaded candy isle. [Deep breath] Ok...do I turn left to go to the candy isle or do I go straight to checkout.

Do....I....turn...left.........OR........Do....I....go....straight.

I stood there holding up traffic and then I kept standing there until I made myself go straight to the checkout line. The safest one is the line with no candy. I think grocery stores did that for parent's sake so they don't have to endure their kids begging for candy while waiting to check out. They'll never know how much of a blessing it is to have the candyless checkout lines. Thank you for doing that.

I made it home. Groceries in tow and no candy in sight. Thank God!!

By the way, I did very well last night. After I published my post I piddled around the house getting everything tidy for a fresh start tomorrow. Went into the kitchen to wash dishes and saw a Bojangles bag on the table. I opened it to see if there was anything in the bad that needed to be put up. There in a smaller bag was the container for a family sized fry. Most of the fries were gone, only a few left in the bottom. Before I could help myself, I stuffed three of the fries into my mouth. I sighed and rolled my eyes. How in the world can I be so careless. I tossed the container with the remaining fries into the trash. My fear is that I might have triggered myself into a night long battle of wills. Me vs. My Mind.

Several hours have gone by, it's just about 5am. I know...I'm an insomniac. Can't help it. Sleepiness was finally setting in when the seemingly benign little voice tells me to get a bite to eat. Usually that last hour before I actually fall asleep is the most difficult hour for me. That is when the need to feed really steps up. I'm usually very tired and my mind tells me that I need to eat in order to sleep. And if I want to sleep bad enough I tend to give in. One small serving can easily lead to another small serving and so on. Right now, I take a vow to forsake a few hours sleep to allow my body to move into sleep mode naturally. I've got to retrain my brain into believing that I can go to sleep without eating. I went to bed and fell fast asleep. Another hurdle met face on. I hope I can be as successful tonight.

For dinner we are having brown rice served with turkey hash and chopped greens...no dessert.


 

To My Brothers: Body Image and ED

WARNING: Some of the stories and images may cause triggers.

I want to dedicate this post to the males out there who struggle with eating disorders and negative perceptions of self image. It's not often that the male struggle with self image is mentioned. I invite you, my brothers, who struggle with body image and eating disorders to share your stories or copy and paste links to your videos and blogs in the comments section of this post.

I saw a couple videos today about the search for beauty (male version) and two young males struggle with eating disorders. I was shocked. I did not realize the quest for the perfect body image was so prevalent in males. What I find most disturbing is how society down plays your struggle. Your pain and suffering is just as important as ours. So why doesn't anyone do more to get the information out there? Society's focus is on the perception of beauty from the woman's point of view. There's little room for discussion about the struggles males have with their own body image. I'm sorry that I too have been guilty of not recognizing your struggle.

More and more young males are suffering from eating disorders and body image issues everyday and starting and younger ages as well.

Do Men and Boys Develope Eating Disorders?

The young lady in the previous video doesn't think that males develop eating disorders because they look muscular in the magazines. She doesn't think they will starve themselves, but rather buff themselves up. Well, here's an example of how some males look so muscular in magazines.

One 13-year-old Boy's Struggle With an Eating Disorder

Male Anorexia Story

I'm so proud of the young men and women who have and are coming forward with their struggles with eating disorders and body image issues. Thank you for sharing. I pray that one day ED will be a thing in the very distant past for all of us.

Post Thanksgiving: How Are You Doing?

Hey everyone. I wanted to touch base with you as we are in the full swing of the holiday season. How are you doing? Do you experience any particular difficulties this time of year? I for one tend to have some measure of depression linked to past holiday practices and urges to night binge. What helps me the most is realizing that I don't have to give into unfortunate or uncomfortable holiday traditions anymore.

There may be some of you who look forward to this time of year as a chance to step away from the mundane and delve into the wonderment of holiday folly and fare. I find a since of joy knowing that there are some who genuinely enjoy this time of year. Then there are those who hide their pain behind the perfectly basted turkey with all the trimmings, possession of super human stamina for the world's biggest shopping day and a meticulously mapped out plan on entombing their homes in miles and miles of twinkling lights. Nothing kills the holiday spirit like a sea of plastic smiles, empty compliments, idol chit chat and muffled sighs.

Are you one who is prone to continuing with traditions that may possibly trigger you just for the sake of looking normal? I used to. I would always give the excuse that I was on a diet so I could get away with eating very little during dinner. Later I'd be given all sorts of neatly packaged goodies in foil covered plates. Little did they know at least 90% of the food would be consumed later that night.

Binging during the holidays was the norm...the biggest binge session of the year. I'd be drunk with anticipation (chuckle), lost in planning the order in which I would eat my newly acquired morsels. End of the year holidays are the one time of year that you can have enormous amounts of food without question.  

Since beginning my quest for wellness I've stopped indulging in massive holiday binges. No more cooking and hording massive amounts of food. I keep things much more simple now. If there are plans to have company I make sure to cook an appropriate amount of food allowing enough to send home with friends and have some left for meals the next day. If we decide not to have company I'll prepare a few of our favorites, enough for two days. I don't bake a lot of deserts. Usually we have a friend make something like a pie or cobbler and I supply the ice cream. For me, deserts are hard to resist, so it's most beneficial to have access to as few sweets as possible.

I don't really care what people think of my changes. It's a matter of knowing my triggers and self preservation.

This year we were planning to have company even thought I didn't feel up to it. The day before Thanksgiving I made a call and opted out of the gathering. I was pleased to know that my intended guests were also not in the mood for holiday cheer. Relief. I prepared a couple Cornish hens, sweet potatoes, greens, and a little mac-n-cheese. That's it! Oh, and fruit for dessert if desired. It was a wonderful meal. Yes I had a late night snack, but did not binge. The next I took the remaining Cornish hen and made gravy and served the left over sides. My good friend also sent over some of the turkey she baked along with a small amount of baked mac-n-cheese.  The leftovers were wonderful. I reframed from preparing more food because I was able to see what we had as enough.

Today there is a small amount of gravy and a few morsels of Cornish hen left. I'm thinking about making a little brown rice and a small pot of green beans and that will be dinner. I feel good about not binging, especially since I've had several binges recently. I'm proud of myself.

Holidays and get-togethers are hard when combating eating disorders. Just take it one step at the time...I day at the time. It's okay if you need to hang out in smaller groups or with just one friend to avoid larger crowds and facing enormous amounts of food. Try not to stay to yourself during these hard times. Now is when support really comes in handy. It will benefit you greatly to spend time with someone who understands what you are going through. You'll need to be able to talk out your feelings with someone, cry, scream, whatever it takes to get the emotion out so you don't take it out on your body.

Huge hugs to all my sisters and brothers who are recovered, recovering or struggling with ED. My heart goes out to you as I keep you in my prayers.

I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I have hope that you know that you are not alone and that we can be here for each other. Take care, my friends. I'll check in again soon.

November 17, 2014: In the Trenches

I'm still here... Been thinking about you all and wondering how you are doing. I've been having a very hard time for the past few months. It's been like experiencing one bad omen after another. A reminder of what life was like for me this time last year. I was so hopeful of seeing a better year and desperate for some emotional, mental and physical relief. Instead I was met head-on with challenges that almost knocked me off my feet. My life has been a roller coaster rider ever since. 

How do you deal with people who choose to hate you, not for anything of your own doing, but for things that your parent did? I having to face people who don't like me more frequently than I care to acknowledge. These people don't like me because the did not like my dad. They did not like how he tricked, deceived, manipulated and even stole from them. So now that he's dead I guess they think that I should pay for his wrong doings. I've always lived a simple life, never going outside of my means or comfort. I am well aware of my limitations and have mastered moving within finely balanced parameters. That has all changed and I am in an emotional uproar almost all the time. Even in all of this I've managed to keep a healthy balance in my home, that is until a recent health issue with my son. I've always said I can take anything as long as I know my son is okay. Well, he's was not okay and my world is spiraling out of control.

There are some who will think what I'm about to say is trivial and warrants little to no concern. Of course, I would never have thought such a thing until someone I call friend showed me that she felt this way.

My son started having issues with drooling and clearing his throat a couple months ago. It didn't seem like anything big, but it was not going away. My initial thought what that he could be cutting wisdom teeth and I treated him accordingly, but even that was taking longer than it should. I took him to the dentist to confirm my theory only to find that his wisdom teeth are only budding and not yet ready to come in. The very next day I took him to the pediatrician's office and was told that everything looked fine. We went home, but I was still concerned and my concern was taking a turn for the worse. It was fast approaching massive fear and anxiety. Fear of not knowing what is going on with my son, a child who had so many health issues in the beginning, but has grown into a child that has almost no issues with physical health. So how can it be that all of a sudden things are taking such a dramatic turn. What could be the cause?

Each day that passes causes more and more questions to surface. I called the pediatrician's to request a referral to an ENT specialist (Ears, Nose and Throat) to take a closer look. It would only be a few more days before seeing the specialist. I don't want anything to be wrong with my son and there are so many questions I need answered. In the meantime, I also scheduled my son's yearly well check. During the well check I was asked if my son had been having problems with constipation. CONTIPATION?! How is that possible, he has a short gut. A large portion of my son's gut was removed when he was a week old. Diarrhea would be more of an issue for us. That is why he's on a high fiber diet which helps to regulate everything. All of a sudden now I'm being told that he's constipated and not just constipated, but impacted. I'm at a total loss.

News of my son's constipation was the straw that made my knees buckle. My mind starts to spin out of control looking for answers while I am having to adjust to what is known as a normal childhood ailment. I'm not that familiar with normal childhood ailments when it comes to my son. His health issues have been either life threatening or a simple common cold. Taking my son's health history into consideration, I struggle to understand how constipation could be considered normal for a child who's gut has been so severely compromised. The pediatrician casually tells me that my son is not getting enough roughage. How would he know that? He's never once been invited to dinner. Aside from my son's infancy there has been no talk of his dietary intake. I am so sick of these doctors assuming that there must be a deficit. Not to mention how bad I felt as a parent that my son's doctor does not think that I'm feeding him well. I have you know that my son has a healthier diet than most. Anyway, my son is prescribed a laxative and I am given instruction on how to do a home clean out. Everything went well. I did adjust my son's diet a bit to decrease wheat intake because he may be developing sensitivity to wheat products. It's been about a month since this change and he's doing quite well.

Just as the constipation episode dissipated he began having what appeared to be seizures. I have no idea where this is coming from. We went to the emergency room and everything checked out well. In the next few days we were seeing a neurologist who's not sure if my son was having actual seizures or not. One MRI and two EEGs later we are still unsure. What we did find was that my son's cerebellum is underdeveloped. Well, that explains his difficulty with motor planning.

My son is doing quite well. He has not had another seizure type episode since October. Thank goodness for that! We are scheduled to go back to neurology next February. It will be determined then if more tests will be given.

I guess I don't need to tell you that my good eating habits have gone out the window. Yes, I started starving and binging again. It was really bad in September and did get some better in October. My anxiety level was extremely high also. I'm a little better now. Still struggling to get everything back on track. I'm not starving myself during the day anymore, but I'm having great difficulty with night binging. All I can say is some nights are better than others.

I think I'm going to have to have a long discussion with my eating disorder and tell him a thing or two. Wish me luck...

So sorry that I haven't had the energy or the mindset to be productive for awhile. Miss you guys...It's good to be back.

Back From Break - April 25, 2014

It's good to be back! I have just had the most wonderful, peaceful, restful break. I hope everyone had a lovely holiday weekend and Spring Break.


I cooked most of the time while we were on break, but I will report that we did get take out 3 times. It was good and so was I. I did not order extra foods for binging. I tried to order foods that were healthy...a whole meal if you will. I purposely avoided sandwiches for myself because that would only be a tease and could trigger a binge. There was one night when I had two handfuls of vanilla wafers. That night was my only weak moment...pretty good, eh. I wouldn't really call that a binge because it had been several hours since we ate dinner. We ate around 5:30 or so. I had not eaten anything else until the cookies. I count that as being pretty good.


Breakfasts are much easier to deal with. Now, I will say this...there were no stresses over the break period. We started to have company, but I found it to be a little too stressful having to get ready for guests. Besides, having company does not equate to taking a break, especially when breaks rarely occur. No company this go 'round. Not having stresses made it much easier to stay on task. The scheduled eating time is really working for me. My mind is much more receptive to accepting time as opposed to sensation. There are not excuses when it comes to scheduling times to eat.


It feels good to write again. I'm so glad to be sitting here writing in my blog again. There were moments when I was tempted to write, only because I miss talking to you guys, but I made myself stay true to myself and adhered to my own wishes for having this break. I needed a break from everything.


It won't be long before having my therapy session. I plan on talking more in depth about the letter to myself. As I stated before, an emotion came up from a pivotal point in my life that I need to take time to address. I usually like to process things of this nature, having all my pros and cons in place before discussing it with my therapist. When I do that, I feel like I'm giving her a complete thought as opposed to something random. We only have an hour and I like to make good use of the time.


My plan is to resume writing my letter or at least asking more questions and answering them without thought to see what comes up. That's pretty much how things happened the last time. I posed my question and an emotion poured out without thought, which was startling, but a revelation too. The emotion that emerged gave me reason as to why I made the decision I made and why I've been carrying a looming feeling of nothingness. I hope more emotions emerge this weekend. I ready this time... And if it doesn't happen, that's okay too. I'll just keep writing.


I'm also glad to report that I have not had crackers as a meal for some time now. This was not a decision of mine, it sort of came out of necessity when I found that my son had eaten the rest of my crackers one night. I freaked at first...wondering what to do. My initial thought was that I would have great difficulty eating anything other than my crackers. Lo and behold, the crackers may have been a bit of a crutch. Once again, appeasing my mind which made me believe that I could not tolerate eating anything other than crackers first thing in the day. That theory has been proven wrong. I can eat other foods, just small portions. So I am still eating eggs for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and then dinner. I usually don't have an evening snack nor do I eat a late night snack every night.


It's time to take a serious look at exercising. I'm really going to need it now for two reasons. I am eating at my optimum and want to increase my metabolism, especially since I'm giving my body enough fuel to do so. Exercising regularly will also help me deal with stress better. I'm thinking that I will need to do some stretches and deep breathing exercises at first. This should help me cope with the emotions that I'll have to face while writing my letter. I am at a critical point. My eating seems to be on track and steady. I am feeling hunger in the morning and my body is getting used to having the calories. At this time it is key to find and maintain ways to deal with stress. Stress in the number one cause for my downfalls; after stress comes the depression and finally guilt. By then my eating is off track and I have to start from square one again. I don't want that to happen. Everything has been really good so far. One tiny step at a time...One day at a time.


It won't be long before I've reached 30 days of eating well. Should I count the cookie thing as a mini binge? Maybe for argument's sake I'll hold off on claiming 30 days without binging. I want it to be solid. I'm satisfied with the way things are now and look forward to many more good days and nights.

March 15, 2014

Having some issues with anxiety for the past few days. Not unbearable, but very noticeable. I'm getting to the point where I want to be in my house. Been out quite a bit and am needing a break from the rest of the world.


Today's food intake was a little better than yesterday. I ate my usual breakfast of peanut butter crackers and water this morning at 8:47am. Lunch was a little late. Even though a good friend called me at 1pm with a lunchtime reminder, I still did not get around to eating until after 2pm. For lunch I had leftovers from last night's dinner, veggie, pasta and turkey sausage dish and a cup of water. It was just enough. Dinner consisted of 3 chicken wings (fried), approx. 2 tbls. mac-n-cheese and approx. 2 tbls. string beans and a cup of Snapple grape punch.


I'm not feeling enthusiastic about meal preparations lately. That concerns me a great deal. Not being excited or at least have a mental picture of what to prepare can potentially leave me open to bad eating behaviors. I'm starting to get tired of eating to some extent even though I want so much to eat like a normal person. Not sure how to combat this. I refuse to get overly worked up. It could be my anxiety rising that's triggering my urge for non-compliance.


The odd thing about all of this. I don't really have an urge for a late night snack. There is a little danger lurking. I have cake in the house. Two slices of butter pound cake with vanilla frosting. I wanted to eat mine right after dinner, but I was already satisfied. The chances of this slice of cake seeing the light of day tomorrow is slim to none. I don't mind eating the cake itself, I just don't want eating something sweet to trigger an urge for a larger feed. Not to mention that I need to be sure to give my son his slice or else that one will be consumed also. I don't usually have deserts lying around the house, so this is a treat for us. There may be the occasional cookie or frozen yogurt, but cake...now that's something special. I love to bake, but I dare not, unless it's a holiday and we're having friends and family over. Controlling late night urges to binge will completely break down if I have a whole cake in the house. Freezing it won't work either. And I promise you, I really don't want to see myself walking around sucking on another piece of frozen cake...been there...done that.


It's 10:08 now. Not sure what to do about the cake. I'm starting to regret having it. If I don't eat it tonight, then when is a good time to eat it. Do I wait for an urge for something sweet to hit? If I do, I could end up throwing my cake away. I wouldn't be the first time.


Okay, I'm going to get ready for bed. I'll put the cake away. If I want it bad enough...I'll eat it and if I can forget it, then I'll worry about it tomorrow.

At The Root

At the base of every problem is a root. In order to solve any problem you must begin at the root.


After further assessment, I question if  my NES stems from a need for comfort, body image issues or both.


My symptoms of NES started around the age of 8. I lost the desire to eat breakfast. On occasion I skipped lunch or only ate a bag of chips. Food became a source of comfort, but comfort was not necessary in the light of day, at least when away from home. This development is perceived as a normal development because comfort was always associated with oral stimulation (mouthing). Chewing on fingers and toes developed into chewing rubber objects and crayons. Later I began eating soap during bath time. A feeling of euphoria came over me as I chewed and swallowed the soft salty soap. It was a welcomed feeling before bed.


I am the product of unfortunate parenting. I laugh at myself when I say that out loud. I am the product of many unfortunate things. There was little to no affection in my home. Seldom an 'I love you' or hug. Touch no longer welcomed became something forced by the hand of my dad. Comfort came in the midnight hour. When it's late and the house dark and quiet. I'd sneak into the kitchen to steal food, usually something sweet, but if all else failed I'd grab 3-4 slices of bread and wad them together. If time allowed I'd spread a little butter between each slice before wadding. It started out as a weekend thing. Mom and Dad closed their bedroom door on Saturday nights. I'd wait patiently. Never curious to know what happened behind the closed door. I only saw this as a grand opportunity to feed my need for comfort.


It didn't take long before I began seeking late  night feeds during the week. It was more difficult. I'd often fall asleep waiting for an opportunity to score more comfort. There were opportunities to get food during the day. I just need to get my hands on a little money. I started steeling money from my parents so I could sneak to the bakery after school. It was just around the corner. Mom was always late picking me up which gave me ample time. I was in the 5th grade when I started hording food.


On occasions when dad was supposed to pick me up but forgot, I would go to the bakery and pizzeria. I'd order a small pizza and eat the entire thing before calling home for a ride. I can't understand mom never called the school to check on me when dad forgot me. Hours would go by and nothing. I'd always have to call her and then she'd send a cab. Isn't that odd? None of the other children were forgotten.


As I assess my past, more memories become clear and mix with the old. When I share my memories you may read some more than once. Please accept my apologies for being redundant at times.


At the age of 10 I was introduced to dieting. Endless deprivation, counting calories and measuring portions. My parents loved desert after meals. They'd eat them while I watched. At the start of each day I had to stand on the scale with both parents standing over me. It was a shame filled start to the day. Depending on how the scales tipped I might even get a beating before school.


The weight of the burden of bearing so many flaws was getting heavier and heavier. So was I.


I had to sooth my conscious and unconscious mind. It is there where the demons dwell. In the mind is where all things negative fester and develop into addictions and disorders.


I need to take a break from the memories. We can talk about this again later.


At 11:37am I had one pack of peanut butter crackers and water. There were no hunger sensations today. Lunch was at 3:48pm. I had 4 scrambled eggs with chicken, two slices of wheat bread and water. It is now 10:35pm, I have not eaten dinner yet.

Night Eating Syndrome - Youtube Video

Here's a link to a video that I found recently about NES. A young girl named Genesis is doing her presentation. The research she's done is pretty accurate. There are a few things stated that need to be expounded on, all-in-all she did a good job.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LNsoM4cQ17Y

March 5, 2014

The nightmares are starting again. It's been a while since I've had one. The trigger...I suppose it all this talk of death lately. My cousin's father-in-law just passed away a few days ago and another cousin is dealing with the 14th anniversary of her mom passing. I've been dealing with this subject for the past few days and it's starting to effect me subconsciously. I don't usually think about conversations of this nature after they're done. This weeks it's a little difficult. I don't want to suffer with having these dreams for days and days. Bad dreams and sleep disturbances can be very stressful and may cause my anxiety to go up, ultimately triggering a binge. I've got to find a way to cope with this.


I'm not one to talk much about bad dreams. Well, there is one good friend that I call if the dreams are too disturbing. Sometimes I tell her about the dream and other times I'll only mention that I had a strange or disturbing dream. Not giving details about some dreams seems to help at times. Have you ever felt like saying a bad dream out loud could bring it to life? I do, so I bury them deep inside. I don't want to keep burying these dreams. I think I'd like to try something different this time.


Here it goes. I woke up to a strange dream this morning. In the dream I am going to a large white building. On the outside of the building time is moving very fast, like flashes going by. For one brief moment there was a flash of a ladder on the roof of the building. The ladder was familiar to me. I'd seen it in another dream...a reoccurring dream that changes from time to time as if linked to a series of dreams. The parking area on the back side of the building was familiar too, also from the same series of dreams. In another flash I was inside the building talking to two men. Both around the same age, 35-40 or so. One man was blond and dressed in a pale blue button down shirt with khaki pants. The other had dark hair and wore an old faded t-shirt and blue jeans. The three of us were talking about death. They were telling me the benefits of dying. This seemed very appealing to me, so I agreed. Both men were excited about my decision.


The dark haired man left to set up a few things. I was escorted into  a room by the blond haired man. He asked me to change into a gown and lie down on the gurney. The dark haired man came into the room. As I lie on the gurney, both men discussed the best way to maneuver me out of the building once I've died. They settled on an acceptable route and then the dark haired man left again. There was a brief conversation with the blond man and then he left also. I waited and waited. After a while the door opened and several children along with two adult females came into the room. It appeared that they were on a tour. One of the women spoke to me, she had blond hair pulled back in a pony tail and wore a short sleeved plaid shirt and khaki shorts. She also wore glasses, dark rimmed. I couldn't hear what she was saying, as if I pushed mute. It seemed as though she's asking a question. We smiled and then she walked away. Suddenly I was alone in the room again. Still lying on the gurney.


More time goes by. I start thinking about life and living. Would they be mad if I change my mind? A few minutes later the blond man returns. He has a brick colored rubber hose in his hand with a triangle shaped tip also made of rubber. The man smiles as he slings the hose over his shoulder. We made small talk. He turns towards a large machine and begins flipping witches and turning dials. He then takes the rubber hose off of his shoulder and turns back towards me. I sit up on the gurney and I say to him, "You have been very kind to me. Would you mind if I change my mind about dieing?" He said no, but seemed a bit flustered. He quickly shuts off the machine and tosses the rubber hose over his shoulder again. A drop of blood splattered on the corner of his right eye. It didn't seem to faze him. Again, he turns to me and tells me not go out the way I came in, but to take the ladder leading to the roof. I was confused, but agreed to follow his instruction. As I got dress pictures flashed into my mind. There were two. In both pictures the men appeared to be dead. The picture flashed closer and I recognized who they were. They were the two men I had been speaking with in the building. I woke up.


I hope writing this dream down will help. I certainly don't want to have that dream again or anything similar to it. Time will tell.


I've not been one who could keep a diary. Though I've tried many times. A block comes and I'm unable to write anything about the day or what I think I'm feeling. Writing in this blog has given me a sense of freedom. It invites me to share my story no matter what it may be about...no matter how much or how little. I look forward to writing everyday, which is highly unusual.


Maybe writing will become a habit if I keep it up for 21 days. Hopefully, I won't flake out again, but if I do, it will be okay. In the meantime I'll continue praying for the words to come.


Today for breakfast I had a pack of peanut butter crackers and a glass of water. Lunch was two scrambled eggs and hot tea. I'm still not sure what dinner will be. I'll figure it out later.


As I write this post I realize I have not consumed enough calories today. Still struggling.

March 1, 2014

I feel good today, better than I've felt for a few weeks now. I managed to eat a good breakfast, cheese toast, scrambled eggs and coffee. I ate around 1:00pm.


Last night I tried not to eat the other half of my sandwich and did pretty well. I managed to get past 1am. It was around 2:30 or so I broke down and ate it. I'm not beating myself up about it. Just glad that I did not eat anything else. It didn't take me long to fall asleep afterwards.


This morning I woke up determined to eat earlier than days before. My goal was to eat my first meal before 2pm. Goal accomplished. Tomorrow I will try to eat before noon. Things are looking up. I'm feeling alive and have a huge burst of energy. Things are getting accomplished and a healthy meal has been prepared. We ate dinner around 7pm.


I hope I keep this good feeling for awhile. It's so nice to feel good in my own skin again. Living free from anxiety and self doubt. I'm not going to think about the negatives tonight. I'm just going to embrace life and live it happily. Today has been a very good day!


Thank you, Lord for the gift of this day and all that you have set aside for us in this day. Amen.

February 28, 2014

It's 3:24pm. I finished eating about 10 minutes ago. I continue to make progress, even if it's baby steps. Better to move forward than backwards. It's a slow climb, but I don't think it will take too much longer. So far, the optimum time to begin eating is 10am. If I am able to eat a reasonable breakfast around that time my body will naturally cue itself for lunch, a snack and dinner. Of course I still have my premeasured snack set aside for night time. If I stay on track with my eating I'll begin feeling normal hunger sensations again. Right now I don't feel anything. I have mental cues telling me I should eat. These cues generally come much later in the day, usually around 1 or 2pm. The cues are easy to overlook. I have gotten up to get something to eat and forget to eat by the time I reach the kitchen. 


It's so easy to ignore the signs and fast forward into binging regularly. Too easy. It's been over 30 years since this disorder developed in me. In a couple years it will be a 40 year struggle. I guess that's more than enough time for something to become deeply ingrained. I don't understand what causes me to lose my ability to feel normal hunger and why the mental hunger so strong. It's always lurking. Waiting. In addition to my unhealthy relationship with food, I am still sorting out my past. My past is the beginning of this hell?


I want to paint a mental picture of the experience for you. And here is my disclaimer so you not think me insane. What I am about to describe is not an actual occurrence, but a metaphorical description of what my binge experience feels like.


I am sitting in the living room (usually) and it's late night. Unable to sleep, I mindlessly watch tv. There is an awakening of sorts. It's like an additional awareness comes into play. Now there's a feeling of hunger, but it's not a physical hunger, it's more mental or at least that is where the general location of the sensation is. My mind's eye (as I can best describe) begins to travel through the apartment, making it's way to the kitchen. It examines every inch of space as it moves towards the cabinets, drawers, pantry, fridge, freezer, every corner of the kitchen. Searching. I am still sitting on the couch. Anticipation builds as the search continues. Cravings begin. Thoughts of various foods and tastes emerge. I want something comforting, sweet, sticky, savory, maybe even warm and soothing ...I want to feed. When the mind's eye lands on something desirable, I get up to prepare the food, but it doesn't stop there. As I sit down to eat the food, the mind's eye revisits the kitchen looking for the next item to eat. If my mind's eye is not satisfied with what's available in the kitchen, it seeks other food sources, fast food restaurants, grocery stores even convenient stores. Whatever the case, I must move at its will. The hunger is insatiable. The binge takes on a life of its own. At it's worse, hours of binging will occur before satisfaction. It doesn't care how bad I feel about eating so much, as a matter of fact the binge uses my emotions to fuel it's desire. The cravings leave and the binge subsides. I am left gorged. My ribs expanded and hurting, I'm having difficulty breathing. I contemplate going to bed, but wait, there's one more thing. One more item to be eaten. Something sweet. Something quick. Just a little something to top everything off. And then I'll crawl into bed and go to sleep.


There are other times when I go through the evening purchasing and hording foods for my late night binge. I often feel an sense of excitement when hording different foods. When I get home I lay all of the foods out and fantasize about the order they will be eaten. Even though I've purchased foods throughout the evening, I will still cook a meal. Usually something like hamburger helper. I am pleased and feel a great sense of accomplishment now that I am prepared for the binge. I play with my son, give him his meds and put him to bed. And then the binge begins.


I speak of binging as a separate entity because that's how it feels. It's something outside of myself propelling myself into an action that I cannot control. It is for this reason that denial is so easy. In a way, it's like having an alter ego or another existence that you're only aware of on an as needed basis. Just enough to function for the cause. Otherwise, it is as if it never happened. By the next day, I'm starving myself again. I function completely oblivious to the binge I had the night before. I spend time with my son before going to work. My food and drink intake is at it's lowest. I may eat 1 potato chip or nibble a cookie for an hour or so before work. That is, if I have a sensation of hunger. My denial was so deep that I've even caught myself saying, "how can I be so big, I eat like a bird?" It makes sense. I only acknowledged the minuscule amount of food that I'd eat during the day and nothing else. I just didn't see it.


My most difficult time with binging was during my son's first year of life. The stress was extreme and my motherly duties endless as I had to give him medicines and care around the clock. He was so sick and frail. My will to give my son everything I had to give as a mom was the sole reason for my being able to function at all. The binge, well, that was my bonus for a job well done. It was my comfort. My mommy time that didn't mind the occasional interruption. My second life, far removed from the stressors of the day. It would always be waiting for me. I gained 100 lbs. that year and didn't realize it. I blamed the dryer for shrinking my clothes.


I imagine this will be a life long struggle, like alcoholism. There is no cure, only the count of days between binges. My gut tells me that the binging will get much better as I maneuver through my mottled past and make peace with the demons that dwell there.

February 27, 2014

Today was not as bad as yesterday. I managed to eat something before 4pm. That's not saying much, but the bigger picture is that I am trying to get out of the binging pattern. Any small measure of progress is better than none. Tomorrow I will try to eat a little earlier. Whenever stress and anxiety are high I tend to want to fall back into binging trends. When I recognize the patter returning I make a concerted effort to turn it around. One of the keys to keeping this eating disorder at bay is being aware of the patterns and triggers.


Last night I had an epiphany. I was thinking about this blog and how difficult it has been taking it into a particular direction or even figuring out what to write. I though about shutting it down, but could not bring myself to do it. Last night it hit me. Out of all the blogs that I have, four to be exact, this is the one blog that I feel most organic in. I don't know why, it just is. Thinking about my last two posts and how they flowed with ease. How good it felt just to write in the moment, not straining to think of the right word or sentence structure. Not even having to think of a stupid title. Pure, open, honest sharing.


There are very few readers of this blog. Perhaps that is why I have the courage to be so open. Maybe it's because one day there may be readers. People who know suffering like I do. People who struggle with self image and food issues. If they happen upon this blog, maybe they will understand and share bits and pieces of their journey too. For now I will "write as if no one is reading." A quote that I read from a contest on the best six word memoir. I don't think six words have ever affected me more. I even printed those words out and tacked them to my office door as encouragement each time I come in here to write. A note to self not to worry about readers, but to write for me and my healing. That's what it's all about.


I cooked dinner tonight. We had collard greens w/smoked turkey sausage, baked chicken and rice. I've already set aside my pre-measured portion...just in case. My life line to a non-binge night. Memories of my past and emotions I can't quite identify are filling me. If I have trouble sleeping tonight, I may come back here and write again. I don't know...


My goals tonight are the same as every night. To seek life and not death. To survive another night without binging. To think about all of the things that I am thankful for especially being grateful for having this day. Tomorrow I get a fresh start. A chance at being better. I'm thankful for that too.

February 26, 2014

I managed to get through the night without binging. A huge help was to be able to share my feeling with a friend. She responded well and understood where I was coming from. There are times when I feel being honest about myself is a detriment because people do not want to hear my truth. Thankfully my very good friend is trying to understand and takes time to really hear what I am saying.


Anxiety levels are dropping. I continue to celebrate having a cleansing conversation with a friend and running a few necessary errands yesterday. Now I can relax. I don't have to leave the house today or even tomorrow. Just the thought brings me great peace. Dealing with triggers and having to go into public areas is a cause for stress. Fortunately the stress has dissipated and my need to seek comfort has lessened.


I was a bit exhausted after my ordeal yesterday, so I ordered pizza instead of cooking. I found the strength to order only what my son and I could eat for dinner having a little left for a snack. I have to set up pre-measured snack when I am at risk of binging. It calms my mind knowing that I have something to eat waiting in the wings. If I do not have the comfort of knowing that I have clear access to a snack a binge is almost sure to occur. Another thing I do to help combat bouts of insomnia is to utilize that time to be creative. Yes, I am tired from being up all day and taking care of many tasks throughout the day, but it is better to find something useful to do rather than fight the inevitable. It is during those hours when the house is quiet and all daily tasks are done that I can focus on my most personal trials. I can put time and attention into healing the wounds of my tormented past. I sometimes think out loud at time recording it to listen to later. Other times I may attempt to write my feelings out in the form of poetry. And then there are those times where I am able to sit at my drafting table and begin sketching out visions. Focusing on expressing my thoughts in some form or format helps me not to binge. Purging my thought is kind of like letting excess air out of a balloon so it doesn't pop. It's a relief.



I ate 2 slices of pizza last night and that was enough. I don't think I'm in danger of binging tonight. To be on the safe side I will prepare a snack...just in case.

February 25, 2014

It's been a very long time since my last post. My struggle with Night Eating continues. I'm still not able to wrap my mind around writing about it. I don't understand why it's so difficult for me. A few years ago, I created my first blog. It's not fairing well. There's been quite a few hits, but that's because of the name, not the content. I revisited that blog on several occasions, deciding not to determine what the blog would be. Instead I will write and allow the blog to show me. I still can't see. Perhaps, I'm blind to it. Thoughts still adrift the top leaves on my dysfunctional family tree.

How can I suffer with something for so long, but can't manage to write about it. My mind is tired and I am at a loss for words. Brain throbbing, filled with thoughts that cannot be purged. Perhaps I am plagued with the need for perfection which is something I will never achieve. Curse my parents for beating this need into me. I am enslaved to it and choked by it. With all that I am I vow to find a way. If nothing other than to write my disjointed ramblings.


As a ploy to rekindle my thirst for writing, I read my bio hoping to find something viable. Something that I can resuscitate. But there is nothing. Nothing but benign words depicting an empty space where my spirit is supposed to dwell. Still nothing there.


I try to think of clever titles for my ramblings. Can't even do that right. I shouldn't be surprised, but I am. After all, I think that I am feeding off of something tangible. Truth be known there is nothing to feed off of. My life is but a misty, dusty space filled with dark shadowy figures and the ever present stench of fear.


It's 4:03pm. I've forgotten to eat again. The pattern is re-emerging. I'll eat a little something now, as my mind cruises through the kitchen cabinets, pantry, refrigerator and freezer. Oh, wait...I have chips. Deep inside I know that I am headed to a bad place. A very dark place. Moving into action as the planning begins. Systematically pairing starches by texture and taste. If I'm not careful I will binge tonight. I'll need to go out in a little while. I must be careful not to pass by any fast food places. I'm not strong enough to dry by without a taste. I'll go directly to my destination and back home. My hope is to cook a nutritious meal and set aside a snack for later. I hope I will be strong enough...


Last night I ate a large bag of chips. I hope not to do the same tonight.

It's time for the animals to begin their feed.

We sniff and scratch for signs we need.

Look over there.

Do you see what I see?

The scavenge begins.

Like worker ants we will collect our swell.

We will feast through the night and all will be well.

June 22, 2013

I’m doing fairly well this week. I’ve successfully eaten breakfast everyday since my last post and my night eating has decreased. Last night I woke up out of a sound sleep to get something to eat. I got the leftover mac-n-cheese from dinner. Thankfully it was not a lot, but enough to be of concern. One good thing, I am cooking less food for dinner so I won’t have so many leftovers. If I were to cook more I would more than likely hoarding a good portion of the meal for a later feed. Temptations...temptations. 

I went back to sleep after eating. Just before falling asleep, I remember having a slight craving for something sweet. I think I will increase my fruit intake today so it will combat any cravings for sweets foods. One less thing to worry about as night falls. That way if I do have “the hunger” it will not be doubly compounded by the savory and sweet aspect.

For breakfast today I had scrambled eggs with half of a chicken sausage and coffee. It is mandatory for me to have quick cooking foods for day time meals. If it gets too complicated I'll end up turning to high carb snack which leads to a bigger down spiral for night time.

 

For lunch I ate a piece of chicken. Not enough food...I know. For dinner I plan on having chicken with rice and veggies. I hope this will appease my hunger. It’s amazing how the hunger gets to you. It feels like a creeping fog that eventually catches you and engulfs you. I think my eating issues will bet much better as I continue working on healing from the trauma and abuse I endured for so many years. There is a distinct connection. I am also releasing emotions through my art and writing. Therapy is going well also. I’m doing everything I can to beat this thing and live free.

I am going to give myself a pat on the back for this week. I had another bout of stressful events, but I did not crumble as bad as I did last week. Point for me.

Onward and Upward!!!!

Slippery Slope

June 2013

Week 2

 

 I continue to assessing and documenting my life with NES, always keeping in mind that the struggle is ever present especially in the now.

I am a long way from combating Night Eating Syndrome. I’ve made great strides in accepting that I have this condition and am actively working towards a healthier life and lifestyle. My struggle with this disorder is more prevalent now because I am seeing the reality of it. Writing this blog is a way for me to relieve my mind of some of the facts and feelings associated with this disorder. This is my attempt at taking a stand and be accountable for my actions no matter the root source or the outcome.

I’ve been doing fairly well managing my NES this past year, much better than a few years ago. For the most part, I am able to consume more of my caloric intake before 7pm which is monumental for me. In the past my caloric intake was next to nil during the day. Even though I would start eating around 4:30-5:00pm, I would only take a few bites before hoarded the rest for later.

This week I have been experiencing a little more stress then my norm and I find myself reverting back to some of my old ways. I am picking up on a definitive pattern. The onset of binge eating tends to occur when stress levels are on the rise; daytime appetite decreases rapidly as I fast approach full binge mode, that is, if I’m not careful. Note to self…continue working on managing stress. Can’t stop stressors from occurring, but I can change how I deal with them. There is one good thing in all of this...I am identifying the problems and working towards correcting them. Besides, beating myself up about this is not going to help. Let’s face it, it took more than a day to develop this disorder and it’s certainly going to take more than a day to cure it.

My most recent binge happened a few days ago. I hoarded some food from dinner specifically to consume during late night hours. I was fully aware of what I was doing and proceeded anyway. The urge was strong and I gave into it. I did not want to fight it and possibly cause a bigger binge. That night, I tried several things to relax like playing music or writing. This helped for a while, but I still could not fight the urge to feed before sleeping.  So I did. I consumed the foods designated for my night time feed and then off to sleep I went. The next day, I forgetting to eat breakfast. I did not eat a morsel until about 2:30pm. Not good, but not my worst. Of course eating later in the day throws everything off. I still cooked dinner, but opted to eat much later than my new norm.

The next day, I didn’t eat anything until after 5pm. This is getting very bad. I’m heading towards a bigger binge. I can feel it. I have to get focused and get back on track with my eating. It is imperative. I can’t afford to continue going backwards. I’ve come too far and my health is on the mend. I don’t ever want to get as sick as I was before buckling down to combat this dreaded thing.

Since Friday, my stressful period has calmed and all is well. Yesterday and today I ate breakfast, lunch, dinner and a snack. So far I do not have the urge to binge tonight. I've already put away the left overs from dinner. Now I’ve got to come up with a better strategy for maintaining a healthy eating plan during high stress times. I've really got my work cut out for me with this one.

There are slippery slopes on this journey and last week I slipped pretty hard. But I’m regaining my footing and so onward and upward…one step at a time…one day at a time.

Assessing the Development of My NES and Other Eating Issues

I’ve been spending more time talking to people about eating disorders. It’s been a freeing experience to talk about my NES and listening to others share stories about their eating issues. I was intrigued to find that there are different feelings associated with binging. Reading about the studies of different eating disorders is not the same as speaking to actual people and hashing out the small details. What’s most interesting is hearing how the binging experience makes them feel. I’m most interested in what emotions they have leading up to the binge, during the binge, after the binge. I’m also curious if the binge is planned or if it’s spontaneous.

Listening to others helps me to think about my relationship with food. I discovered that I have several levels of experiences with binging and food intake in general. From what I can tell, the way I binge depends on the level of stress and perhaps the origin of the stressors and triggers as well. There is a good portion that appears to be a more of a habit. Much like the formation of habitual and/or ritualistic behaviors associated with the development of addiction. It started off as a relatively benign act (or so it seemed) and then it grew into somewhat of a separate entity. The behaviors took on a life of their own and my mind simply adapted. I would even go so far as to say it’s like having an alter ego, being one way by day and another by night.

Eating at night was a way to release tension and to relax. I also loved the challenge of acquiring food for my night time feeds. I guess you could call it was the thrill of the hunt if you consider chiseling off pieces of frozen cake in the middle of the night hunting.  I would feel triumphant as if having conquered the giant and reaping the spoils. A sense of calm would come over me. Not quite euphoric, but close enough.

I have always associated feelings of euphoria with mouthing. It started with me sucking my toes to comfort myself and quickly escalated into increased mouthing and sometimes consumption of inedible objects. So I guess it’s no surprise to you that I’m diagnosed with PICA as well. As a young child, my biggest craving was bath soap. Ivory soap was the soap of choice. I loved the creamy saltiness of it. I didn’t much like taking baths growing up. Don’t ask me why, I’m really not sure. It just seemed that I could be doing so much more with my time. Eating soap made bathing more enjoyable. I looked forward to it. My mom would run the bath water for me. I’d get in and let the bar of soap float in the water for a few minutes. The soap would soften and then I would begin to eat. Always starting at the corners and slowly working my way towards the center. I never ate the entire bar in one night. It usually took me at least 3 to 4 nights depending. I don’t eat soap anymore and have not for many years; however, I do still have the occasional craving.

Food consumption or the shift of the meaning of food consumption started around the age of 4 or 5 years old. Changes in body mass were more prevalent. It seems that I was developing a pattern of gaining at least 10 to 13 pounds a year. By the time I was 10 I weighed just over 100 pounds. This is the pivotal point that marks the beginning of food deprivation and how that deprivation further locked me into a vicious cycle of cutting meal size by day and having an increased need for comfort by night. As the need for night time comfort increased I became bolder about acquiring the foods I needed. I would almost stop at nothing. Like a drug addict I’d steal money to make food purchases after school. Once home I’d find obscure places to stash my food, always careful to keep the evidence of my eating undetected. That’s why my unnatural weight gain was such a mystery to my parents.

By middle school my life was split was well defined into two levels of existence. During the day I deprived myself of food and at night I would gorge myself on all kinds of sweet and salty treats. I started with cutting out breakfast. Instead I would drink a glass of juice or milk. This made my parents proud which was no easy task. My parents were seldom proud of me. So my thought process was to increase my level of deprivation so they would be even more proud and perhaps love me some day. My mom would pack a normal sized lunch for me to take to school, but would only eat a small portion of it, hoarding the rest for later. I opted to take the city bus home after school because I needed time to go to a nearby store to purchase snacks and other food items.  I’d become obsessed with my new trend. I felt it was really working for me.

My parents, glad to see me making such sacrifice towards dieting would reward me with candy and treats from our store. Funny how history repeats itself isn’t it? I would gladly take my reward and add it to my hoard. Of course, my weight gain was still a mystery. There were countless trips to various doctors and endless dieting and still no positive long term results. No matter how many pounds I was able to lose I would gain it all back…plus.

At the age of 18 my mom decided to buy into a very popular diet. She paid $600.00 for the program plus purchased their prepackaged foods weekly. The food wasn’t bad, but I was forced to document what I ate. I hated eating according to the meal plan. This was a detriment to me, because it was taking me to a very uncomfortable place...eating more during the day. My focus remained on activities of the day including limiting food intake; however the food that I continued to eat at night was no longer acknowledged. It was as if the night feeds didn't really exist even though the behaviors were still very prominent.  

I tried to make myself look forward to eating the prepackaged meals. I was sure to document what I ate and when...forced to bear witness to every morsel I place in my mouth. This was excruciating at best. I hated having to pay so much attention to eating, especially during the day. I hated how it made me feel. I wanted it to stop. I gave though to purging, but talked myself out of it. As my distain grew my ability to eat the foods dissipated. I began starving myself again eating the smallest measure of food possible.  It was starting to pay off. I lost weight and was getting a lot of attention from men. I liked that. At this point I was barely consuming any calories before 6pm. I would chew gum and smoke cigarettes to appease my need to mouth. It wasn’t long before reaching the point where I was unable to keep any food or drink down during the day. I wasn’t purging voluntarily, but I do wonder if I was experiencing some sort of psychosomatic development. I actually thought I was having a reaction to the prepackaged foods. In hindsight I now recognized that I was in full daytime Anorexia mode. The thought of consuming anything in the light of day had become unthinkable.

I managed my night time feeds by eating large quantities of lettuce. Sometimes I would consume an entire head and a half in one sitting. I’d fulfill my need for night time comfort while giving way to appease a new fear of consuming calories. This is how I was able to lose weight for a while, but even that soon ended.   

I eventually stopped losing weight. It didn’t matter how little I ate. I guess I hit a plateau. That is a common occurrence when dieting, but seemingly unrecognizable as such to me. It just drove me to pursue more deprivation. In an attempt to detox for rapid weight loss, I went on a fast only consuming small amounts of apple and water when I felt weak. I did this fast for 13 days, stopping only because my eyes were turning yellow. I stood on the scale…not one ounce lost. I had given up and slowly began to resume old eating habits, still depriving myself during the day while hoarding and planning my binge for the night.

The battled between daytime Anorexia and night Binging continued for many more years.

Food: A Link between Discomfort and Dysfunction

Many disorders are born out of dysfunction.

I grew up in a highly dysfunctional family. I'm sure you've heard stories like this before. I was trapped in the middle of my father's absolute control and my mother's need for perfection. An illusion forced upon the meek. On the other side of the door was our audience. No one knew the happenings behind the closed door. No one except a cousin who occasionally saw more than she bargained for.

My parents were entrepreneurs. They owned a barber shop and a convenience store. Dad worked and mom was a homemaker. We had two cars, but only one worked at any given time. My mom in her eternal quest for perfection, would wash and shine both cars so they looked brand new. It didn't matter that her car wasn't drivable as long as it looked good. It was perfectly acceptable that there was no leaving the house without permission. Mom would lobby for cab fair whenever she needed to run errands. She was allotted a small of time to get everything done. There was always a mad dash to clean the house, which was never dirty, run the errands and have dinner ready before dad came home...and then we'd wait. Dinner was never to be served before dad's arrival. Sometimes we'd have to wait for hours.

In the beginning...

Around the age of ten life took another terrible turn. It was at a routine well check where I was deemed obese. A word I had never heard before, but knew it was something bad. I weighed in at 101 pounds. Nothing much was said that day. A few days later a new routine was set. Get up, get ready for school, step on the scale and then breakfast. If a pound or two was gained that potentially earned me a beating before school. If that was the case, mom would apply alcohol and salves to the whelps and cuts, then have me change into long sleeves if necessary.

Meal portions were dramatically shrunken. I was always being hungry. Every evening, my parents would enjoy having desert after dinner. For obvious reasons, I was denied this privilege, but had to remain seated at the table until dinner was done. On weekends dad would bring candy, soda, cakes and chips home from our store. It was a welcomed treat.

An opportunity has arisen. My parent's room was right next to mine. On Saturday nights they'd close the door. Late night in the quiet of dark I'd sneak to the kitchen to steal treats. I had to be fast and always have an alternate plan should one of my parents come out of their room unexpected. There were many areas between the kitchen and my room where I could quickly stash the goods and act as if I had gotten up for a glass of water. Sometimes I'd say a quick prayer in hopes that they not find my wares before going back to bed. A binging hoarder in the making and my hoard...food.

My focus on the consumption food became one of the links between heightened levels of discomfort and dysfunction.

Food is now my enemy and my friend...my fixation.