February 27, 2014

Today was not as bad as yesterday. I managed to eat something before 4pm. That's not saying much, but the bigger picture is that I am trying to get out of the binging pattern. Any small measure of progress is better than none. Tomorrow I will try to eat a little earlier. Whenever stress and anxiety are high I tend to want to fall back into binging trends. When I recognize the patter returning I make a concerted effort to turn it around. One of the keys to keeping this eating disorder at bay is being aware of the patterns and triggers.


Last night I had an epiphany. I was thinking about this blog and how difficult it has been taking it into a particular direction or even figuring out what to write. I though about shutting it down, but could not bring myself to do it. Last night it hit me. Out of all the blogs that I have, four to be exact, this is the one blog that I feel most organic in. I don't know why, it just is. Thinking about my last two posts and how they flowed with ease. How good it felt just to write in the moment, not straining to think of the right word or sentence structure. Not even having to think of a stupid title. Pure, open, honest sharing.


There are very few readers of this blog. Perhaps that is why I have the courage to be so open. Maybe it's because one day there may be readers. People who know suffering like I do. People who struggle with self image and food issues. If they happen upon this blog, maybe they will understand and share bits and pieces of their journey too. For now I will "write as if no one is reading." A quote that I read from a contest on the best six word memoir. I don't think six words have ever affected me more. I even printed those words out and tacked them to my office door as encouragement each time I come in here to write. A note to self not to worry about readers, but to write for me and my healing. That's what it's all about.


I cooked dinner tonight. We had collard greens w/smoked turkey sausage, baked chicken and rice. I've already set aside my pre-measured portion...just in case. My life line to a non-binge night. Memories of my past and emotions I can't quite identify are filling me. If I have trouble sleeping tonight, I may come back here and write again. I don't know...


My goals tonight are the same as every night. To seek life and not death. To survive another night without binging. To think about all of the things that I am thankful for especially being grateful for having this day. Tomorrow I get a fresh start. A chance at being better. I'm thankful for that too.