November 17, 2014: In the Trenches

I'm still here... Been thinking about you all and wondering how you are doing. I've been having a very hard time for the past few months. It's been like experiencing one bad omen after another. A reminder of what life was like for me this time last year. I was so hopeful of seeing a better year and desperate for some emotional, mental and physical relief. Instead I was met head-on with challenges that almost knocked me off my feet. My life has been a roller coaster rider ever since. 

How do you deal with people who choose to hate you, not for anything of your own doing, but for things that your parent did? I having to face people who don't like me more frequently than I care to acknowledge. These people don't like me because the did not like my dad. They did not like how he tricked, deceived, manipulated and even stole from them. So now that he's dead I guess they think that I should pay for his wrong doings. I've always lived a simple life, never going outside of my means or comfort. I am well aware of my limitations and have mastered moving within finely balanced parameters. That has all changed and I am in an emotional uproar almost all the time. Even in all of this I've managed to keep a healthy balance in my home, that is until a recent health issue with my son. I've always said I can take anything as long as I know my son is okay. Well, he's was not okay and my world is spiraling out of control.

There are some who will think what I'm about to say is trivial and warrants little to no concern. Of course, I would never have thought such a thing until someone I call friend showed me that she felt this way.

My son started having issues with drooling and clearing his throat a couple months ago. It didn't seem like anything big, but it was not going away. My initial thought what that he could be cutting wisdom teeth and I treated him accordingly, but even that was taking longer than it should. I took him to the dentist to confirm my theory only to find that his wisdom teeth are only budding and not yet ready to come in. The very next day I took him to the pediatrician's office and was told that everything looked fine. We went home, but I was still concerned and my concern was taking a turn for the worse. It was fast approaching massive fear and anxiety. Fear of not knowing what is going on with my son, a child who had so many health issues in the beginning, but has grown into a child that has almost no issues with physical health. So how can it be that all of a sudden things are taking such a dramatic turn. What could be the cause?

Each day that passes causes more and more questions to surface. I called the pediatrician's to request a referral to an ENT specialist (Ears, Nose and Throat) to take a closer look. It would only be a few more days before seeing the specialist. I don't want anything to be wrong with my son and there are so many questions I need answered. In the meantime, I also scheduled my son's yearly well check. During the well check I was asked if my son had been having problems with constipation. CONTIPATION?! How is that possible, he has a short gut. A large portion of my son's gut was removed when he was a week old. Diarrhea would be more of an issue for us. That is why he's on a high fiber diet which helps to regulate everything. All of a sudden now I'm being told that he's constipated and not just constipated, but impacted. I'm at a total loss.

News of my son's constipation was the straw that made my knees buckle. My mind starts to spin out of control looking for answers while I am having to adjust to what is known as a normal childhood ailment. I'm not that familiar with normal childhood ailments when it comes to my son. His health issues have been either life threatening or a simple common cold. Taking my son's health history into consideration, I struggle to understand how constipation could be considered normal for a child who's gut has been so severely compromised. The pediatrician casually tells me that my son is not getting enough roughage. How would he know that? He's never once been invited to dinner. Aside from my son's infancy there has been no talk of his dietary intake. I am so sick of these doctors assuming that there must be a deficit. Not to mention how bad I felt as a parent that my son's doctor does not think that I'm feeding him well. I have you know that my son has a healthier diet than most. Anyway, my son is prescribed a laxative and I am given instruction on how to do a home clean out. Everything went well. I did adjust my son's diet a bit to decrease wheat intake because he may be developing sensitivity to wheat products. It's been about a month since this change and he's doing quite well.

Just as the constipation episode dissipated he began having what appeared to be seizures. I have no idea where this is coming from. We went to the emergency room and everything checked out well. In the next few days we were seeing a neurologist who's not sure if my son was having actual seizures or not. One MRI and two EEGs later we are still unsure. What we did find was that my son's cerebellum is underdeveloped. Well, that explains his difficulty with motor planning.

My son is doing quite well. He has not had another seizure type episode since October. Thank goodness for that! We are scheduled to go back to neurology next February. It will be determined then if more tests will be given.

I guess I don't need to tell you that my good eating habits have gone out the window. Yes, I started starving and binging again. It was really bad in September and did get some better in October. My anxiety level was extremely high also. I'm a little better now. Still struggling to get everything back on track. I'm not starving myself during the day anymore, but I'm having great difficulty with night binging. All I can say is some nights are better than others.

I think I'm going to have to have a long discussion with my eating disorder and tell him a thing or two. Wish me luck...

So sorry that I haven't had the energy or the mindset to be productive for awhile. Miss you guys...It's good to be back.