March 5, 2014

The nightmares are starting again. It's been a while since I've had one. The trigger...I suppose it all this talk of death lately. My cousin's father-in-law just passed away a few days ago and another cousin is dealing with the 14th anniversary of her mom passing. I've been dealing with this subject for the past few days and it's starting to effect me subconsciously. I don't usually think about conversations of this nature after they're done. This weeks it's a little difficult. I don't want to suffer with having these dreams for days and days. Bad dreams and sleep disturbances can be very stressful and may cause my anxiety to go up, ultimately triggering a binge. I've got to find a way to cope with this.


I'm not one to talk much about bad dreams. Well, there is one good friend that I call if the dreams are too disturbing. Sometimes I tell her about the dream and other times I'll only mention that I had a strange or disturbing dream. Not giving details about some dreams seems to help at times. Have you ever felt like saying a bad dream out loud could bring it to life? I do, so I bury them deep inside. I don't want to keep burying these dreams. I think I'd like to try something different this time.


Here it goes. I woke up to a strange dream this morning. In the dream I am going to a large white building. On the outside of the building time is moving very fast, like flashes going by. For one brief moment there was a flash of a ladder on the roof of the building. The ladder was familiar to me. I'd seen it in another dream...a reoccurring dream that changes from time to time as if linked to a series of dreams. The parking area on the back side of the building was familiar too, also from the same series of dreams. In another flash I was inside the building talking to two men. Both around the same age, 35-40 or so. One man was blond and dressed in a pale blue button down shirt with khaki pants. The other had dark hair and wore an old faded t-shirt and blue jeans. The three of us were talking about death. They were telling me the benefits of dying. This seemed very appealing to me, so I agreed. Both men were excited about my decision.


The dark haired man left to set up a few things. I was escorted into  a room by the blond haired man. He asked me to change into a gown and lie down on the gurney. The dark haired man came into the room. As I lie on the gurney, both men discussed the best way to maneuver me out of the building once I've died. They settled on an acceptable route and then the dark haired man left again. There was a brief conversation with the blond man and then he left also. I waited and waited. After a while the door opened and several children along with two adult females came into the room. It appeared that they were on a tour. One of the women spoke to me, she had blond hair pulled back in a pony tail and wore a short sleeved plaid shirt and khaki shorts. She also wore glasses, dark rimmed. I couldn't hear what she was saying, as if I pushed mute. It seemed as though she's asking a question. We smiled and then she walked away. Suddenly I was alone in the room again. Still lying on the gurney.


More time goes by. I start thinking about life and living. Would they be mad if I change my mind? A few minutes later the blond man returns. He has a brick colored rubber hose in his hand with a triangle shaped tip also made of rubber. The man smiles as he slings the hose over his shoulder. We made small talk. He turns towards a large machine and begins flipping witches and turning dials. He then takes the rubber hose off of his shoulder and turns back towards me. I sit up on the gurney and I say to him, "You have been very kind to me. Would you mind if I change my mind about dieing?" He said no, but seemed a bit flustered. He quickly shuts off the machine and tosses the rubber hose over his shoulder again. A drop of blood splattered on the corner of his right eye. It didn't seem to faze him. Again, he turns to me and tells me not go out the way I came in, but to take the ladder leading to the roof. I was confused, but agreed to follow his instruction. As I got dress pictures flashed into my mind. There were two. In both pictures the men appeared to be dead. The picture flashed closer and I recognized who they were. They were the two men I had been speaking with in the building. I woke up.


I hope writing this dream down will help. I certainly don't want to have that dream again or anything similar to it. Time will tell.


I've not been one who could keep a diary. Though I've tried many times. A block comes and I'm unable to write anything about the day or what I think I'm feeling. Writing in this blog has given me a sense of freedom. It invites me to share my story no matter what it may be about...no matter how much or how little. I look forward to writing everyday, which is highly unusual.


Maybe writing will become a habit if I keep it up for 21 days. Hopefully, I won't flake out again, but if I do, it will be okay. In the meantime I'll continue praying for the words to come.


Today for breakfast I had a pack of peanut butter crackers and a glass of water. Lunch was two scrambled eggs and hot tea. I'm still not sure what dinner will be. I'll figure it out later.


As I write this post I realize I have not consumed enough calories today. Still struggling.