Feeling a lot of self doubt today. I think it's mostly related to stress and feeling defeated about some situations that occurred recently. I'm experiencing heavy conflicting emotions right now. This only feeds into the anxiety that's been brewing for the past few days. Today it all comes full circle. Just like it did last Monday. I see things building up. Bills needing to be paid, money's slow to come. My life is filled with so many responsibilities, more than I've ever had. Don't get me wrong, I've had my issues, even when my life was neat and well contained, but there was balance. A wave of issues would come and then peace is regained. It's not like that these days. A wave of issues comes and I may get a couple days relief before another wave crashes into me. It's no wonder that I'm experiencing so many ups and downs with all that goes in my day to day. No day is predictable. This may not seem like much to some, but it's massive to me. I need some sense of predictability.
Everything falls on my shoulders. Everyone looks to me to take care of everything. There's never any break from it. Just when I think I can breath another series of unfortunate events take place. I'm being bitter right now. It's just how I feel in this moment. These feelings will dissipate and I will once again put on my game face and face the music.
They say stress kills. I guess I've been blessed. I've been under insurmountable stress most of my life and I'm still here. Worn down and battered. There's not much left...only hope. Hope that one day life will be better. Hope for peace of mind, body and spirit. Hope to escape the horrors of my past. Hope to become healthier in my practices and my thinking. Hope...I have hope for so many things. One day all good things will come to pass. My work will not be in vein.
Today was an okay eating day. I ate a pack of peanut butter crackers around noon. For lunch I had two turkey ham and cheese sandwiches. I did not eat dinner and my snack was a large serving of funions. My mind started roaming around the kitchen, looking for the next item to eat. I fought the urge. Exhaustion's settling in. Time for bed.
You are doing good, doing what you need to do to heal, I think you can be proud of this.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Alyce. That means a lot, especially during times like this when I can hear the voices of my parents telling me how much I do wrong. It's hard getting past feelings of failure or not being good enough. I guess I need to be more patient with myself. My parent's have only been gone for 6 years and I have a lifetime of hurt to deal with.
ReplyDeleteWe fix what we can, I had a brokenness caused to me from my Grand Father that will never be repaired, but I feel good about the other areas of my life that I have been able to overcome! I'm not mad at myself anymore, and so much more forgiving of my human ness than when I was young.
ReplyDeleteYes, one step at a time. It sounds like you have done a lot of work on yourself. It is so beneficial to take time and try to process the things that hurt, so we can heal from them. I know that I can't fix everything, but I am hoping to cope with a lot of it better in the future. I want to be free from the chains that bind me.
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