We made it through another holiday season. How are you doing? I wait patiently for your answers. I know I can't hear you, but I sense some of you are quietly answering. I hope you are doing well. I especially hope ED was not the center of attention this holiday season. If ED was, than let's begin a new. Let's not focus on yesterday. Yesterday's gone. Let's not worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will take care of itself. I will say this much for tomorrow, it is the first day of the rest of our lives. Have you ever thought of that? Yeah, tomorrow is the 1st day of the rest of our lives. Wow, we get a lot of fresh starts don't we.
I'm doing well. Happy to see 2016. Last year started off being pretty intense, but soon became a series of beautiful experiences. Over the past few years I've been going through many positive changes and learning more about myself as well as my past. The process of healing from my past...well, it's been eye opening and life changing. It's really better than that, but I don't have the words to express just how wonderful challenging it has been. I guess I'm too caught up in being grateful. I'll take that for now. Maybe the words will come later...than again, maybe not. Maybe I've said just enough.
Out of the past three years being on this journey, 2015 was definitely the year of putting away the old self and bringing in the new. It's been a matter of shedding the old state of mind and being introduced to the new state of mind. The old state of mind made it difficult to want better for myself, love myself and commit to doing healthy things for myself. The most difficult was shedding unhealthy relationships. What can I say, it's hard to want good when all you know is bad. I didn't know what good felt like or looked like, not really. Growing up, my only examples were, "Leave It to Beaver", "The Andy Griffith Show" and "The Cosby Show." Isn't that something. How can we want better when we don't know what better feels like?
There were many firsts last year. One being my commitment to self and to loving myself. I'm able to enjoy getting to know myself intimately. Intimate meaning to know myself below the surface, seeing past flesh and bone; past the carefully orchestrated, finely tuned niceties of a well crafted persona. I've been able to take a long look at self. The good, the bad, the bitter the sad and happiness. I remember what happiness felt like before it all changed. And I'm glad I recognize true happiness' return.
The holiday season has come to it's end. Thank goodness. It's been a good season. I've had a few bumps, but I'm still here and I'm still making strides. Life is not going to be perfect, but it can be a heck of a lot better. That's what I'm looking forward to...better.
I can't begin to imagine what this year holds. I am curious and hopeful and I'm also smart enough to know that I don't need to worry about it. I'm going to take it one day at a time. That's as much as I can handle.
I hope today is going well for you and I hope tomorrow is even better.
Well, I guess that's enough rambling for now. Goodnight, blessings and happy new beginnings.
Showing posts with label Ramblings. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ramblings. Show all posts
Friday, January 1, 2016
Sunday, December 27, 2015
The Heaviness of Numbers
Wow! I'm actually at my computer during the light of day. This is great! Hey, I hope I wasn't too preachy last night or should I say early this morning. I wasn't trying to preach, I just needed to purge. Usually when I ramble on like that I am speaking to myself. Saying things out loud helps to make them tangible to me. I also get very exited when I'm blessed to see the changes that are manifesting in me. Changes that I could only have hoped for in the past are now coming into the light. With each day I become a little more free.
I'm still exploring this thing called freedom and I'm still discovering how deep freedom is. I don't think I've even begun to scratch the surface, but what has been revealed to me sure feels good. Freedom does not come easy. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I've written a post on the subject before. Perhaps I should have read it before writing this post. Forgive me if I am being redundant.
Sometimes it feels like my posts are jumping all over the place. I don't think I'm able to write like some in a beautiful, gradual succession. I'm more in the moment with my writing. This is something I've just recently become aware of. I tend to write whatever is on my mind in the present. Doesn't matter if it relates to previous posts or not. And then there are times when I am able to write on a subject and work my way into a tandem style format. Okay, I've finished rambling.
I'm still doing well with my exercise. I'm not fully committed to the additional exercise, but I do get to it as my energy and time allow. Which means I will need to make more time to accomplish this goal. I will have to make it a priority just like my nighttime workout.
I discovered something new about myself during one of my workouts. When I'm most at peace I don't count reps or anything. I just move and I think and I meditate on things. What matters most are the freeness of thought, quiet of mind and time. Counting limits me. It seems when I get to a certain number I'm more inclined to stop, however, on a good night I push to reach higher numbers. Workouts like this usually last about 25 minutes or so. When counting is left out of the equation and mindfulness enters my workouts last much longer, sometimes as much as an hour or more. Amazing isn't it. Do you count when you work out or do you just move? Do you think it would make a difference to you? Hmmm, pretty significant if you ask me. Makes me want to explore the heaviness of numbers and why numbers and counting don't always serve me well.
I wonder if anyone else has thought of this. I've noticed in some ED groups numbers are not allowed. You are not to discuss weight, food measurements, body measurements or anything of the kind. So what is it about numbers that weighs so heavily with us? Maybe numbers add extra pressure. I don't know. Like the pressure to do better, lose more weight, or eat less food.
Maybe numbers lend themselves to future obsessions like being extreme about cutting back on the number of calories or increasing the number of reps to maximize fat burning at an unhealthy rate or constantly checking the scale. How do numbers make you feel? Do you feel pressure when or if you focus on numbers as part of your process to healing from ED?
Numbers can discourage. There have been times when I've exercised rigorously for months only to step on the scale and see little to no change.
Anyway, if you find numbers to be heavy in your process, maybe focus on them less and focus on you more...your thoughts...your feelings and how good it feels just to move. Get lost in time if you can and allow the quiet stillness of your mind to take over. See how you feel afterwards. You may like it or you may not. Give it try. Explore. There will be days when I chose to count and there will be days when I allow myself to drift into mental stillness while moving. I like having the variations.
As always, onward and upward.
Company will be arriving soon. Better get ready. Take care my lovelies. Talk to you soon.
I'm still exploring this thing called freedom and I'm still discovering how deep freedom is. I don't think I've even begun to scratch the surface, but what has been revealed to me sure feels good. Freedom does not come easy. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I've written a post on the subject before. Perhaps I should have read it before writing this post. Forgive me if I am being redundant.
Sometimes it feels like my posts are jumping all over the place. I don't think I'm able to write like some in a beautiful, gradual succession. I'm more in the moment with my writing. This is something I've just recently become aware of. I tend to write whatever is on my mind in the present. Doesn't matter if it relates to previous posts or not. And then there are times when I am able to write on a subject and work my way into a tandem style format. Okay, I've finished rambling.
I'm still doing well with my exercise. I'm not fully committed to the additional exercise, but I do get to it as my energy and time allow. Which means I will need to make more time to accomplish this goal. I will have to make it a priority just like my nighttime workout.
I discovered something new about myself during one of my workouts. When I'm most at peace I don't count reps or anything. I just move and I think and I meditate on things. What matters most are the freeness of thought, quiet of mind and time. Counting limits me. It seems when I get to a certain number I'm more inclined to stop, however, on a good night I push to reach higher numbers. Workouts like this usually last about 25 minutes or so. When counting is left out of the equation and mindfulness enters my workouts last much longer, sometimes as much as an hour or more. Amazing isn't it. Do you count when you work out or do you just move? Do you think it would make a difference to you? Hmmm, pretty significant if you ask me. Makes me want to explore the heaviness of numbers and why numbers and counting don't always serve me well.
I wonder if anyone else has thought of this. I've noticed in some ED groups numbers are not allowed. You are not to discuss weight, food measurements, body measurements or anything of the kind. So what is it about numbers that weighs so heavily with us? Maybe numbers add extra pressure. I don't know. Like the pressure to do better, lose more weight, or eat less food.
Maybe numbers lend themselves to future obsessions like being extreme about cutting back on the number of calories or increasing the number of reps to maximize fat burning at an unhealthy rate or constantly checking the scale. How do numbers make you feel? Do you feel pressure when or if you focus on numbers as part of your process to healing from ED?
Numbers can discourage. There have been times when I've exercised rigorously for months only to step on the scale and see little to no change.
Anyway, if you find numbers to be heavy in your process, maybe focus on them less and focus on you more...your thoughts...your feelings and how good it feels just to move. Get lost in time if you can and allow the quiet stillness of your mind to take over. See how you feel afterwards. You may like it or you may not. Give it try. Explore. There will be days when I chose to count and there will be days when I allow myself to drift into mental stillness while moving. I like having the variations.
As always, onward and upward.
Company will be arriving soon. Better get ready. Take care my lovelies. Talk to you soon.
Spiritual Surrender
Psalm 118:5 (NIV) "In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free."
What a wonderful day it has been. Last night was wonderful too. I did not eat, not even my snack and I didn't miss it. I felt so much peace. Peace be still...yes.
There are so many things going on in my head right now. I want to write about it all, but it's just to much to put into one post. Not to mention my thoughts are going so fast I can hardly keep up. I hope I don't bounce around to much in tonight's post. I'll try to stay focused so my thoughts don't wander off and drag me with them.
Did you listen to the guided mediation in last night's post? The relaxed feeling I got while listening to the video lingered into the rest of the night. After completing my post and closing out my day, I sat down to have a glass of wine and watch a little tv before bed. I finish one glass and pour another, which is still in the glass from last night. Sleep came upon me so fast and so hard that I had no choice but to surrender to it. All was still. No anxiety. No worries. No cravings. There was only blessed peace and sleep. It was wonderful. I can't remember having a night so peaceful. I hope to have many more nights like this.
I've been in a zen like mood all day today. It could be because I've surrendered...not talking about surrendering to sleep, even though that helps. I have surrendered all of my worries to Christ that I be more open and receptive to the grace God has given me through Christ. There are always things going on that are out of my control. As a Christian I'm supposed to know that I have a wonderful source who is God that I can go to anytime day or night. How many times have I read Psalm 55:22 (NIV) "Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." I've read this verse many times and for a very long time I thought I was casting my cares on the Lord. I realized earlier this year that I wasn't. I was asking Him for help and continuing to worry because I needed to see some sort of solution. I needed to know that my problems would be solved and I needed to figure out how that was going to happen. I didn't trust God. I thought I did. There was no need to search for solutions when God already had solutions in place. I simply needed to trust Him, focus on the things of heaven, do what I am able to do and believe He will not forsake me.
Where do we go to learn how to trust God? Sure, we can go to church and attend all the bible studies. We can talk to fellow Christians who seem to have all the answers, but they still can't tell you how to trust God. They can only tell you to trust Him.
I learned the only way I could. I learned how to trust God by falling flat on my face, having no place else to go. I learned to hear His voice in the midst of deafening silence and fear. It took me learning how to take my mind off my problems without burying or abandoning them. It took me turning to God to say, I can't do it.
When I was first told to let go of my problems, I thought they meant for me to ignore them. I thought I was supposed to try focusing on other things like lessor problems or sit around licking my wounds while warding off ghosts of problems past. I was released from those notions when I read and meditated on Colossians 3:2 (NIV) 2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. I read this verse everyday for several days until it stuck. Now when a problem arises, I pray about it and turn it over to God. To keep my focus on the things above I give thanks all through the day, everyday and I ask God to guide my steps throughout the day so my actions are fruitful and I accomplish what He has set for me to accomplish. It takes all of my energy to accomplish what needs to be done. That includes writing in my blogs. I don't have time to focus on problems as much anymore. Nor do I find myself stewing about something someone has said or done to hurt my feelings. I'm far to busy discovering the beautiful plan God has for me and releasing the rest. I am better able to see that my prayers are being answered now that my mind is not cluttered with problems and problematic situations. When things get real rough, I turn to God and I declare that I trust Him because He knows just what I need and He promised that He would take care of me.
Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
First Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
It's amazing how God can work in our lives if we just let Him. I no longer select problems to turn over to Him. I give them all. I'm glad it finally sunk in to let go and to let God.
While perusing Youtube videos I came across The Ecstasy of Surrender - Dr. Judith Orloff. I heard about the book, but have not purchased it yet. I found her talk interesting. I like how she has an inclusive approach to the subject, meaning she applies more than just science. There are several talks with Dr. Judith Orloff. I chose this one because it was short, but still good. I hope you enjoy it.
Sunday Talk: The Ecstasy of Surrender - Dr. Judith Orloff at CSLseattle
What a wonderful day it has been. Last night was wonderful too. I did not eat, not even my snack and I didn't miss it. I felt so much peace. Peace be still...yes.
There are so many things going on in my head right now. I want to write about it all, but it's just to much to put into one post. Not to mention my thoughts are going so fast I can hardly keep up. I hope I don't bounce around to much in tonight's post. I'll try to stay focused so my thoughts don't wander off and drag me with them.
Did you listen to the guided mediation in last night's post? The relaxed feeling I got while listening to the video lingered into the rest of the night. After completing my post and closing out my day, I sat down to have a glass of wine and watch a little tv before bed. I finish one glass and pour another, which is still in the glass from last night. Sleep came upon me so fast and so hard that I had no choice but to surrender to it. All was still. No anxiety. No worries. No cravings. There was only blessed peace and sleep. It was wonderful. I can't remember having a night so peaceful. I hope to have many more nights like this.
I've been in a zen like mood all day today. It could be because I've surrendered...not talking about surrendering to sleep, even though that helps. I have surrendered all of my worries to Christ that I be more open and receptive to the grace God has given me through Christ. There are always things going on that are out of my control. As a Christian I'm supposed to know that I have a wonderful source who is God that I can go to anytime day or night. How many times have I read Psalm 55:22 (NIV) "Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." I've read this verse many times and for a very long time I thought I was casting my cares on the Lord. I realized earlier this year that I wasn't. I was asking Him for help and continuing to worry because I needed to see some sort of solution. I needed to know that my problems would be solved and I needed to figure out how that was going to happen. I didn't trust God. I thought I did. There was no need to search for solutions when God already had solutions in place. I simply needed to trust Him, focus on the things of heaven, do what I am able to do and believe He will not forsake me.
Where do we go to learn how to trust God? Sure, we can go to church and attend all the bible studies. We can talk to fellow Christians who seem to have all the answers, but they still can't tell you how to trust God. They can only tell you to trust Him.
I learned the only way I could. I learned how to trust God by falling flat on my face, having no place else to go. I learned to hear His voice in the midst of deafening silence and fear. It took me learning how to take my mind off my problems without burying or abandoning them. It took me turning to God to say, I can't do it.
When I was first told to let go of my problems, I thought they meant for me to ignore them. I thought I was supposed to try focusing on other things like lessor problems or sit around licking my wounds while warding off ghosts of problems past. I was released from those notions when I read and meditated on Colossians 3:2 (NIV) 2 Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. I read this verse everyday for several days until it stuck. Now when a problem arises, I pray about it and turn it over to God. To keep my focus on the things above I give thanks all through the day, everyday and I ask God to guide my steps throughout the day so my actions are fruitful and I accomplish what He has set for me to accomplish. It takes all of my energy to accomplish what needs to be done. That includes writing in my blogs. I don't have time to focus on problems as much anymore. Nor do I find myself stewing about something someone has said or done to hurt my feelings. I'm far to busy discovering the beautiful plan God has for me and releasing the rest. I am better able to see that my prayers are being answered now that my mind is not cluttered with problems and problematic situations. When things get real rough, I turn to God and I declare that I trust Him because He knows just what I need and He promised that He would take care of me.
Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
First Peter 5:7 “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
It's amazing how God can work in our lives if we just let Him. I no longer select problems to turn over to Him. I give them all. I'm glad it finally sunk in to let go and to let God.
While perusing Youtube videos I came across The Ecstasy of Surrender - Dr. Judith Orloff. I heard about the book, but have not purchased it yet. I found her talk interesting. I like how she has an inclusive approach to the subject, meaning she applies more than just science. There are several talks with Dr. Judith Orloff. I chose this one because it was short, but still good. I hope you enjoy it.
Sunday Talk: The Ecstasy of Surrender - Dr. Judith Orloff at CSLseattle
We enjoyed eating leftovers today. There's still enough for tomorrow. This is great! Not having to cook is like being on a mini vacation. After tomorrow, it's back to the old grind. No need to get to used to having so many leftovers. I'm just happy that I'm doing as well as I am this season.
I wish I didn't make the rhubarb and apple crisp. We're not eating it. It's a little sweet for my taste and my son was not thrilled with it. We have company coming over tomorrow. Hopefully they will eat it up and if not maybe take the rest home.
I'm going to bed now. It's 3:56am. Goodnight. Talk to you soon.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
March 19, 2014
I did not write a post for yesterday. It was pretty much the same as the day before. Not really hungry. Feeling very tired. I think I'm coming to the end of a pretty large wave of events. It's been a difficult two weeks. Things are getting done...responsibilities taken care of. Finishing up a few more items on my check list and then I brace myself for next week...next month...whatever. Reset...it starts all over again.
Today I'm almost too tired to care about anything. Still feeling very tired. Everything in my being has been so rigid and now it's time to relax. This is time that I'm most vulnerable to depression. I will have to be even more mindful of my eating. Relaxing means there will be a need to feel comforted. I'm hoping to find comfort in other ways. I plan listen to music this evening, maybe play a couple online games. Anything to help me relax. I don't need anymore stressors right now. Too tired. I'll focus on eating, drinking water and resting today.
My son's cold is getting better. He's still coughing some, but not nearly as much as the other day. I can relax a little about that, but I'm always keeping an eye on him because he's had such hard times with colds in the past. Been staying on top of it. Feeling good about that.
Thank goodness the weekend is near. I can rest for a bit, try not to worry about anything and then face the next week refreshed. I will find the strength to carry on with my mission...my desire for a healthier life.
I may write another post about my childhood later. I'm not sure. If not today...then tomorrow, if energy permits. I have lots of writing projects going. I should spend more time working on them. That will be a good late night distraction.
Today for breakfast I had 2 packs of peanut butter crackers. Lunch was 3 scrambled eggs with chicken, two slices of bread and water. Not sure about dinner tonight. I'll think about that later. I was feeling a little light headed and hungry. I'm hoping a nap will help me feel better. I could be coming down with my son's cold.
Today I'm almost too tired to care about anything. Still feeling very tired. Everything in my being has been so rigid and now it's time to relax. This is time that I'm most vulnerable to depression. I will have to be even more mindful of my eating. Relaxing means there will be a need to feel comforted. I'm hoping to find comfort in other ways. I plan listen to music this evening, maybe play a couple online games. Anything to help me relax. I don't need anymore stressors right now. Too tired. I'll focus on eating, drinking water and resting today.
My son's cold is getting better. He's still coughing some, but not nearly as much as the other day. I can relax a little about that, but I'm always keeping an eye on him because he's had such hard times with colds in the past. Been staying on top of it. Feeling good about that.
Thank goodness the weekend is near. I can rest for a bit, try not to worry about anything and then face the next week refreshed. I will find the strength to carry on with my mission...my desire for a healthier life.
I may write another post about my childhood later. I'm not sure. If not today...then tomorrow, if energy permits. I have lots of writing projects going. I should spend more time working on them. That will be a good late night distraction.
Today for breakfast I had 2 packs of peanut butter crackers. Lunch was 3 scrambled eggs with chicken, two slices of bread and water. Not sure about dinner tonight. I'll think about that later. I was feeling a little light headed and hungry. I'm hoping a nap will help me feel better. I could be coming down with my son's cold.
March 17, 2014
Feeling a lot of self doubt today. I think it's mostly related to stress and feeling defeated about some situations that occurred recently. I'm experiencing heavy conflicting emotions right now. This only feeds into the anxiety that's been brewing for the past few days. Today it all comes full circle. Just like it did last Monday. I see things building up. Bills needing to be paid, money's slow to come. My life is filled with so many responsibilities, more than I've ever had. Don't get me wrong, I've had my issues, even when my life was neat and well contained, but there was balance. A wave of issues would come and then peace is regained. It's not like that these days. A wave of issues comes and I may get a couple days relief before another wave crashes into me. It's no wonder that I'm experiencing so many ups and downs with all that goes in my day to day. No day is predictable. This may not seem like much to some, but it's massive to me. I need some sense of predictability.
Everything falls on my shoulders. Everyone looks to me to take care of everything. There's never any break from it. Just when I think I can breath another series of unfortunate events take place. I'm being bitter right now. It's just how I feel in this moment. These feelings will dissipate and I will once again put on my game face and face the music.
They say stress kills. I guess I've been blessed. I've been under insurmountable stress most of my life and I'm still here. Worn down and battered. There's not much left...only hope. Hope that one day life will be better. Hope for peace of mind, body and spirit. Hope to escape the horrors of my past. Hope to become healthier in my practices and my thinking. Hope...I have hope for so many things. One day all good things will come to pass. My work will not be in vein.
Today was an okay eating day. I ate a pack of peanut butter crackers around noon. For lunch I had two turkey ham and cheese sandwiches. I did not eat dinner and my snack was a large serving of funions. My mind started roaming around the kitchen, looking for the next item to eat. I fought the urge. Exhaustion's settling in. Time for bed.
Everything falls on my shoulders. Everyone looks to me to take care of everything. There's never any break from it. Just when I think I can breath another series of unfortunate events take place. I'm being bitter right now. It's just how I feel in this moment. These feelings will dissipate and I will once again put on my game face and face the music.
They say stress kills. I guess I've been blessed. I've been under insurmountable stress most of my life and I'm still here. Worn down and battered. There's not much left...only hope. Hope that one day life will be better. Hope for peace of mind, body and spirit. Hope to escape the horrors of my past. Hope to become healthier in my practices and my thinking. Hope...I have hope for so many things. One day all good things will come to pass. My work will not be in vein.
Today was an okay eating day. I ate a pack of peanut butter crackers around noon. For lunch I had two turkey ham and cheese sandwiches. I did not eat dinner and my snack was a large serving of funions. My mind started roaming around the kitchen, looking for the next item to eat. I fought the urge. Exhaustion's settling in. Time for bed.
Friday, March 7, 2014
March 7, 2014
Good news! Even though I'm still dealing with some anxiety, the bad dreams have not returned since I wrote about one in a prior post. It may benefit me to start a dream diary so I can purge the memories of dreams and free myself. I'll write down all of them, good and bad. I can't say that I'll read what I've written about dreams. This exercise is solely to free my mind, but who knows, maybe one day I will read some of them again.
Since I'm doing well writing in my blogs, I can't see not being equally successful writing in a private diary. As a matter of fact, I think it will be very good for me on many levels.
Today I ate breakfast around 11:30am. Woke up feeling a little down about some news I had gotten yesterday, so I avoided eating when my body cued me around 10am. I talked on the phone for a bit and started preparations for the day. Again, my body cued me to eat, only stronger this time. My body's ready to be fed. This is fabulous. I chose not to give in to my mild depression and refused to ignore my body again. I prepared a light breakfast consisting of two slices of cheese toast and a cup of unsweetened tea. For lunch I plan to eat two scrambled eggs with a little salt and pepper and unsweetened tea. I'm not sure about dinner yet.
It is 3:02pm. I've just eaten lunch which consisted of two scrambled eggs, left over fried okra and a cup of unsweetened tea. I don't consume much caffeine. In all honesty, I try to avoid it most days because I'm caffeine sensitive. It makes me feel a little loopy. However, I am not opposed to the occasional Pepsi or Dr. Pepper.
I've decided to try exercising a little today. Palates is the choice for today. It's too cold and rainy for a walk around the neighborhood. I hate to admit it, but I haven't walked or done any kind of exercise for a very long time. So, I'll start off with 10-15 minutes. I am losing weight, a little at a time. It can only be attributed to changes in my eating habits. Now that I am not gorging myself every night and slowly increasing caloric intake by day, my body is able to digest and process better. I'm down almost 100 lbs., over a period of 3 years.
I think it would be nice to go walking a couple times a week. My son would enjoy that a lot. He loves walking around our neighborhood and seeing the sights. It would be good for both of us.
Tomorrow morning I will get on the scale, which I just found the other day. I probably won't post my weight at this time, but I will share with you how much weight I'm losing over time.
For the first time in these past couple years I feel like I am really going to conquer NES and a few other issues in my life. I can't describe how wonderful this feels. I'm going to continue holding on to hope, prayer, doing and believing positive change will happen.
Since I'm doing well writing in my blogs, I can't see not being equally successful writing in a private diary. As a matter of fact, I think it will be very good for me on many levels.
Today I ate breakfast around 11:30am. Woke up feeling a little down about some news I had gotten yesterday, so I avoided eating when my body cued me around 10am. I talked on the phone for a bit and started preparations for the day. Again, my body cued me to eat, only stronger this time. My body's ready to be fed. This is fabulous. I chose not to give in to my mild depression and refused to ignore my body again. I prepared a light breakfast consisting of two slices of cheese toast and a cup of unsweetened tea. For lunch I plan to eat two scrambled eggs with a little salt and pepper and unsweetened tea. I'm not sure about dinner yet.
It is 3:02pm. I've just eaten lunch which consisted of two scrambled eggs, left over fried okra and a cup of unsweetened tea. I don't consume much caffeine. In all honesty, I try to avoid it most days because I'm caffeine sensitive. It makes me feel a little loopy. However, I am not opposed to the occasional Pepsi or Dr. Pepper.
I've decided to try exercising a little today. Palates is the choice for today. It's too cold and rainy for a walk around the neighborhood. I hate to admit it, but I haven't walked or done any kind of exercise for a very long time. So, I'll start off with 10-15 minutes. I am losing weight, a little at a time. It can only be attributed to changes in my eating habits. Now that I am not gorging myself every night and slowly increasing caloric intake by day, my body is able to digest and process better. I'm down almost 100 lbs., over a period of 3 years.
I think it would be nice to go walking a couple times a week. My son would enjoy that a lot. He loves walking around our neighborhood and seeing the sights. It would be good for both of us.
Tomorrow morning I will get on the scale, which I just found the other day. I probably won't post my weight at this time, but I will share with you how much weight I'm losing over time.
For the first time in these past couple years I feel like I am really going to conquer NES and a few other issues in my life. I can't describe how wonderful this feels. I'm going to continue holding on to hope, prayer, doing and believing positive change will happen.
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