The Heaviness of Numbers

Wow! I'm actually at my computer during the light of day. This is great! Hey, I hope I wasn't too preachy last night or should I say early this morning. I wasn't trying to preach, I just needed to purge. Usually when I ramble on like that I am speaking to myself. Saying things out loud helps to make them tangible to me. I also get very exited when I'm blessed to see the changes that are manifesting in me. Changes that I could only have hoped for in the past are now coming into the light. With each day I become a little more free.

I'm still exploring this thing called freedom and I'm still discovering how deep freedom is. I don't think I've even begun to scratch the surface, but what has been revealed to me sure feels good. Freedom does not come easy. Not by any stretch of the imagination. I've written a post on the subject before. Perhaps I should have read it before writing this post. Forgive me if I am being redundant.

Sometimes it feels like my posts are jumping all over the place. I don't think I'm able to write like some in a beautiful, gradual succession. I'm more in the moment with my writing. This is something I've just recently become aware of. I tend to write whatever is on my mind in the present. Doesn't matter if it relates to previous posts or not. And then there are times when I am able to write on a subject and work my way into a tandem style format. Okay, I've finished rambling.

I'm still doing well with my exercise. I'm not fully committed to the additional exercise, but I do get to it as my energy and time allow. Which means I will need to make more time to accomplish this goal. I will have to make it a priority just like my nighttime workout.

I discovered something new about myself during one of my workouts. When I'm most at peace I don't count reps or anything. I just move and I think and I meditate on things. What matters most are the freeness of thought, quiet of mind and time. Counting limits me. It seems when I get to a certain number I'm more inclined to stop, however, on a good night I push to reach higher numbers. Workouts like this usually last about 25 minutes or so. When counting is left out of the equation and mindfulness enters my workouts last much longer, sometimes as much as an hour or more. Amazing isn't it. Do you count when you work out or do you just move? Do you think it would make a difference to you? Hmmm, pretty significant if you ask me. Makes me want to explore the heaviness of numbers and why numbers and counting don't always serve me well.

I wonder if anyone else has thought of this. I've noticed in some ED groups numbers are not allowed. You are not to discuss weight, food measurements, body measurements or anything of the kind. So what is it about numbers that weighs so heavily with us? Maybe numbers add extra pressure. I don't know. Like the pressure to do better, lose more weight, or eat less food.

Maybe numbers lend themselves to future obsessions like being extreme about cutting back on the number of calories or increasing the number of reps to maximize fat burning at an unhealthy rate or constantly checking the scale. How do numbers make you feel? Do you feel pressure when or if you focus on numbers as part of your process to healing from ED?

Numbers can discourage. There have been times when I've exercised rigorously for months only to step on the scale and see little to no change.

Anyway, if you find numbers to be heavy in your process, maybe focus on them less and focus on you more...your thoughts...your feelings and how good it feels just to move. Get lost in time if you can and allow the quiet stillness of your mind to take over. See how you feel afterwards. You may like it or you may not. Give it try. Explore. There will be days when I chose to count and there will be days when I allow myself to drift into mental stillness while moving. I like having the variations.

As always, onward and upward.

Company will be arriving soon. Better get ready. Take care my lovelies. Talk to you soon.