How I Feel - 5/19/14

This is my safe place. A place of honesty and sharing. I've shown my failures and I've shared my triumphs. I've even allowed a little peek into my soul. So what's left but to say that which lies beneath the sweet façade, giving unto the things that crawleth under the skin sending one spiraling into darkness praying to survive another day...as the inevitable awaits.


I unconsciously lift my fork to my mouth. There is food there, so I eat of it. Food doesn't taste good today nor did it yesterday. I still say it feels good to have made progress, but I am still very afraid. What if I fail again? What if I go so far only to start from square one again? How sick will I get this time?


Will I ever lose this weight? How can I ever lose this weight? Stupid diets don't work! All they do is make me want to STOP...eating. I have to eat.


Sometimes I don't feel healthy enough to exercise. I feel sick and I'm always tired. I've worn myself to the core. My monsters laugh at me. They can't hurt me anymore, but that doesn't matter. I've mastered hurting myself.

How many of us suffer, unable to see past poor self image? You don't have to answer that. I bet the majority of us do. I see so many having been emotionally, mentally and physically damaged...brutally so sometimes. The suffering is beyond pandemic. We are so saturated with pain that it's almost unrecognizable...invisible. We used to overlook pain because it wasn't talked about, but now we overlook the pain because it's what we are all about. Who hasn't been affected by addiction, physical affliction, unfortunate parenting, victimization, sexual deviancy, learned behavior, narcissism, co-dependency, mental illness...whatever the.... You name it we've got it...welcome to hell.


Why do we cling to pain? I don't understand it, but I see nothing other than IT. The cycle is vicious. There are people who want to hurt people while wanting to hurt themselves because they've been hurt; but then they may choose to hurt themselves over hurting other people, because it's another way to hurt others while feeding the inherent desire to continue the hurt they've known. It's a way of getting attention. It's a way of being left alone. It's a way of screaming out loud. It's a way of keeping silent. It's a relief. It's an escape. Pain used to cope with pain...that's the name of the game...right? If pain doesn't come now...it will most assuredly come later. No one goes unscathed.


The cycle of torment spans generations. The only difference between us and them...then and now...speaking our truth out loud. Of course, there are still those who live by the old decree...what happens in this house stays in this house. Secrets and lies stacked up in closets and shoved under beds; sent of to the places of unknown. I still wonder what kinds of hell past generations have seen. What lies have been dragged into graves. My mom had secrets...lots of them. Many of which I don't know or care to remember. She knew all my dirty secrets and dared not speak of them...not even to me.


I can't get this feeling out of my head...the feeling of being leprous, undesirable...cursed. Hell's fire upon all who look upon me. I am the hunchback of Notre Dame. The one shunned and ran away from. I do not know the love others claim to know. I have been used, abused and left to wither away. People tell me I'm pretty even beautiful, but it's all an illusion. I'm hidden behind smoke and mirrors. They want to make me feel better, but I don't want them to make me feel better and if they continue trying to make me feel better than I won't allow myself to feel better at all. I can't stand the disappointment. I can't stand feeling pretty for another moment only to watch it fade away...again. I just want to be left alone. Funny...I tell others they're beautiful. I want them to believe it because I believe it. Do they really believe me or do they feel the same as I do? Am I really helping them or am I trying to help myself?


I want to be stuck in a cave far away from humanity. I want to go unseen. I want to move along the crevices of existence cloaked by the black of night. I want to be sheltered by the silence of my thoughts. They won't be silenced. I want to numb my thoughts with food, self medicated in the comfort of being uncomfortable, but I can't. My desire to do so is fading so I sit here tonight and I write, fighting to live a life that I've never lived. Tonight I sit lost in a poetic slur.

March 19, 2014

I did not write a post for yesterday. It was pretty much the same as the day before. Not really hungry. Feeling very tired. I think I'm coming to the end of a pretty large wave of events. It's been a difficult two weeks. Things are getting done...responsibilities taken care of. Finishing up a few more items on my check list and then I brace myself for next week...next month...whatever. Reset...it starts all over again.


Today I'm almost too tired to care about anything. Still feeling very tired. Everything in my being has been so rigid and now it's time to relax. This is time that I'm most vulnerable to depression. I will have to be even more mindful of my eating. Relaxing means there will be a need to feel comforted. I'm hoping to find comfort in other ways. I plan listen to music this evening, maybe play a couple online games. Anything to help me relax. I don't need anymore stressors right now. Too tired. I'll focus on eating, drinking water and resting today.


My son's cold is getting better. He's still coughing some, but not nearly as much as the other day. I can relax a little about that, but I'm always keeping an eye on him because he's had such hard times with colds in the past. Been staying on top of it. Feeling good about that.


Thank goodness the weekend is near. I can rest for a bit, try not to worry about anything and then face the next week refreshed. I will find the strength to carry on with my mission...my desire for a healthier life.


I may write another post about my childhood later. I'm not sure. If not today...then tomorrow, if energy permits. I have lots of writing projects going. I should spend more time working on them. That will be a good late night distraction.


Today for breakfast I had 2 packs of peanut butter crackers. Lunch was 3 scrambled eggs with chicken, two slices of bread and water. Not sure about dinner tonight. I'll think about that later. I was feeling a little light headed and hungry. I'm hoping a nap will help me feel better. I could be coming down with my son's cold.