You may remember me talking about affirmations a few days ago, maybe a week or so ago. It's something that I try to do after exercising or to get through a rough patch in my day. I've not been keeping up with it too well. I'd say it's been 3 or 4 days since I've last made an attempt.
I feel like I'm trying to convince myself of an untruth. Somehow, I've got to figure out how to have positive feelings about myself. I'd like to be able to feel love for myself someday. As it is right now, I'm just going through the motions. The best thing I can do for myself is to be honest with myself and recognize when something does not feel right. Saying the affirmations is nice, but I don't believe what I am saying, at least not in the sense of self. How do I achieve that. In my world, people say lots of words that don't have meaning. Almost all my life this has been a fact. Forced to say I like things when I don't. Forced to say I love when I don't. It was a matter of giving into the control. Much like loving myself, I wanted to love my parent too, but they wouldn't let me. I tried... I was more comfortable with my mom, she was the lessor of two evils. I know that I loved them at some point. I can't remember when I stopped. It's hard to love someone who beats the love out of you. It's hard to believe someone who loves you is capable of hurting you beyond measure. Literally robbing you of you every possible sense of self or self worth.
I am at a cross roads. If I'm not able to love that which hurt me, how can I love myself. I've hurt me too. I don't want to, but I still do. This is a problem. I'm going to have to get over this hurdle before I can make progress in anything else that I attempt to do for myself. I must figure out a way! What will it take to convince me that I am worthy of love? How will I learn to love myself? I know my son loves me. I can see it in his eyes. Do I feel I deserve it? No. But I am totally grateful for it. It's the first time someone has loved me and not hurt me. I love my son. Beyond these words I cannot describe the emotion I feel for him. Oh, one word comes to mind...pure. My friends and family say they love me. I've learned to say thank you, but their words have no meaning. Truth is...I don't know how to accept love. I know that I have love in me, just not for me. I think I want to be loved. Not sure if I can handle that. Too much fear. I fear being brutally hurt again. I thank God everyday for allowing me to be a mom. His blessing me gave me a glimpse of what love is supposed to look like. Even though the love of my son means the world to me, it's not enough. I can admit that. My precious angle's love gives me strength, but his love alone will not save me. I need to be able to love myself and to not be afraid to be loved by others. If only we lived in a perfect world where people who say they love really did love. I don't think humans know what love is. It's not possible to love someone and hurt them. I know. I could never do to my son what was done to me. A true mother would lay down her life for her children, not take life from them. A mother's love is supposed to shield a child from danger, not hand them over to it. I can't get past what my parents have done to me in the name of so called love. Dear God, please help me. I can't do this on my own.
This is a very complicated issue, Love of self. It is very good and aware that you write these thoughts out like this, very good. Until the issue is named, it will continue to bother and cause pain...the naming is the beginning of the healing. You have opened yourself up to the idea that there is a lot of change in thinking that has to be done now. Have you ever heard the concept, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears?" I believe this with all my mind, as it has happened for me over and over throughout my life, and so much more to come I'm sure. The steps are literally like the peeling of an onion, when you learn the process of how to do this, you will be amazed at how it becomes a part of your thinking every day, and the thoughts that come, will have a readily accessible history for your education and growth, the ability to discard thoughts that no longer serve a purpose are free to leave..you thank them for their service, and let them go...sometimes it makes us feel a bit of depression because it's like saying goodbye to a longtime friend who walked daily with us, as the bridge is burning, we feel a bit desperate, But with proper education to this technique, we go on to build better more current bridges, (thoughts) that serve us in our current life instead of the outdated model...You will learn to feel Love from your friends, please keep your hope alive and allow for the possibility because it is real, and love waits for you...Alyce
ReplyDeleteI don't know what happened to me yesterday. It feels like I'm leaking. As if there is a crack in the exterior and a part of me escaped into the atmosphere. It felt good...real good! I cried while I wrote this post. That is a first. I think I cried because was relieved that I had the words to express something that I've never expressed before. I don't recall ever thinking about the things that I wrote in this post.
ReplyDeleteI like the concept that you shared with me, "When the student is ready, the teacher appears?" I will not forget this. It is a truth. That concept connect to the experience I had yesterday. Something shifted and healing began. I was a powerful moment. I also like discarding old bridges and building new ones. I like that a lot. You may not be aware of it, but you have answered my questions. I wondered how I could begin to tackle my new revelation. You have just shown me the path. I will take this path and learn from it. I will thank old thoughts for serving their purpose and allow new thoughts to emerge. It feels good just to write the words. I'm sure it will feel even better to go through the process. Yes I will mourn that which has been by my side for so many years. Mourning will be brief as I celebrate the newness of being that which was already formed, but forgotten and release it to freedom so it can grow.
You are my friend. I appreciate you and your words of wisdom. Thank you.
This is so nice to read, to see such a beautiful soul begin to feel the wings of true freedom...I feel like crying and clapping at the same time for your healing that is taking place, it is just wonderful! I'm sending you a heart and soul hug brave one!...Alyce.
ReplyDeleteI receive your heart and soul hug and send one back to you. Thank you.
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