Affirmations Not Working

You may remember me talking about affirmations a few days ago, maybe a week or so ago. It's something that I try to do after exercising or to get through a rough patch in my day. I've not been keeping up with it too well. I'd say it's been 3 or 4 days since I've last made an attempt.


I feel like I'm trying to convince myself of an untruth. Somehow, I've got to figure out how to have positive feelings about myself. I'd like to be able to feel love for myself someday. As it is right now, I'm just going through the motions. The best thing I can do for myself is to be honest with myself and recognize when something does not feel right. Saying the affirmations is nice, but I don't believe what I am saying, at least not in the sense of self. How do I achieve that. In my world, people say lots of words that don't have meaning. Almost all my life this has been a fact. Forced to say I like things when I don't. Forced to say I love when I don't. It was a matter of giving into the control. Much like loving myself, I wanted to love my parent too, but they wouldn't let me. I tried... I was more comfortable with my mom, she was the lessor of two evils. I know that I loved them at some point. I can't remember when I stopped. It's hard to love someone who beats the love out of you. It's hard to believe someone who loves you is capable of hurting you beyond measure. Literally robbing you of you every possible sense of self or self worth.


I am at a cross roads. If I'm not able to love that which hurt me, how can I love myself. I've hurt me too. I don't want to, but I still do. This is a problem. I'm going to have to get over this hurdle before I can make progress in anything else that I attempt to do for myself. I must figure out a way! What will it take to convince me that I am worthy of love? How will I learn to love myself? I know my son loves me. I can see it in his eyes. Do I feel I deserve it? No. But I am totally grateful for it. It's the first time someone has loved me and not hurt me. I love my son. Beyond these words I cannot describe the emotion I feel for him. Oh, one word comes to mind...pure. My friends and family say they love me. I've learned to say thank you, but their words have no meaning. Truth is...I don't know how to accept love. I know that I have love in me, just not for me. I think I want to be loved. Not sure if I can handle that. Too much fear. I fear being brutally hurt again. I thank God everyday for allowing me to be a mom. His blessing me gave me a glimpse of what love is supposed to look like. Even though the love of my son means the world to me, it's not enough. I can admit that. My precious angle's love gives me strength, but his love alone will not save me. I need to be able to love myself and to not be afraid to be loved by others. If only we lived in a perfect world where people who say they love really did love. I don't think humans know what love is. It's not possible to love someone and hurt them. I know. I could never do to my son what was done to me. A true mother would lay down her life for her children, not take life from them. A mother's love is supposed to shield a child from danger, not hand them over to it. I can't get past what my parents have done to me in the name of so called love. Dear God, please help me. I can't do this on my own.