So far I've accomplished two nights of exercise, 5 minutes each night. I had to force myself, but afterwards I felt good about my accomplishment. One thing that helps me get through the hurdles is to set the bar pretty low in order to build the skills I need to survive and thrive. That takes a lot. I don't think many of us understand what it takes to love ourselves after years of mental, physical, emotional and sexual abuse. We don't know what that's like. We haven't been taught how to love ourselves or even that we are worthy of love. How do we find a way to do this?
I listen to motivational speakers sometimes. It seems well enough. There's an immediate reaction when listening, but that reaction is short lived. What happens when reality returns and the seductive mist of motivation clears? We end up back where we began because we have not built the skills or gained the know how to see our way out of the thicket of emotions.
Where do you wear your emotions? Do you know? Many of my emotions are suppressed by disassociation. That which is somewhat visible is shown in the form of anger and weight gain. I am angry at my parents and know what they did is wrong. I'm aware that it is NOT my fault. Even still, I struggle daily to end my destructive behavior. What is the "thing" between knowing the abuse is not your fault and loving yourself enough to stop hurting yourself?
Let me see if I can explain and you tell me if any of this sounds familiar to you. It's not that I want to hurt myself, even though there was a time when I did. I was 19. I'm much older now and do not wish to hurt myself, but I can't seem to stop hurting myself. I know my eating habits are bad and my body is paying the price. I know I need to stop, but it is harder than hell to stop. The feeling that I feel when I know I need to stop and can't is the feeling of having my parents standing over me and punishing me. You see, it's not that I want to hurt, it's what's most familiar to me. Hurt, pain, sorrow, need, desperation, all of these things are what I'm most familiar with. I believe that is what makes it so hard to walk away from it. Now...add on the lack of love and you have the perfect cocktail for a myriad of failed attempts to get better.
What's next? Well, now we figure out a way to become familiar with feeling good. This is our Mt. Everest. How do we go about it? Just as we would if we were attempting to climb the actual Mt. Everest. Come up with a plan. Be aware of your obstacles. Be prepared for surprises along the way. Steak out your lifeline. Take one step at a time. Don't worry about the summit just yet. Keep your focus on the smaller goal of reaching the next base camp. Does this make sense? Let me incorporate what I'm actually doing and see if that paints a better picture.
My climb of Mt. Everest - Breaking the cycle of self damaging behavior.
Plan to reach next base camp - To slowly increase appropriate caloric intake and incorporate 5 minutes of exercise daily.
Obstacles - Lack of love for myself
Uncomfortable doing good things for myself
Trouble committing to good/wholesome behaviors
Low self-esteem
Feelings of worthlessness
Possible surprises - May go into denial and fall back into old habits
Suddenly Giving up
Lifeline - Faith, religious practice, accountability, logic
Each day that passes is one tiny step closer to reaching the next base camp. Hurdles may change from base camp to bas camp, so stay in touch with the things that give you the most difficulty. Be willing to explore options as needed to combat hurdles. Talk to a therapist, a friend and keep a journal. All of these things help.
Food intake is not the feel good goal that I'm working on. It's a necessity for fighting off binging. The feel good factor comes in with good behaviors like exercise, meditation and affirmation. These are the feel good goals that I've set for myself. I have not gotten into mediation or affirmation yet. For now, I am aiming for 5 minutes exercise. Even though it's like pulling teeth, I'm hoping that I become familiar and have a desire to feel the sense of accomplishment that comes after.
What your talking about here reminds me of what my Husband told me when he first started driving a big rig. He was overwhelmed about mapping out the route before each day of deliveries. he was unfamiliar with the areas he needed to go. He asked one of the other truck drivers how he mapped out his runs, he told my Husband to only map out the next drop, then when he gets there, map out the next, and so on. He has always done that since, and it has been wonderful for him. I try to remember to apply that logic to the huge things I have going on in my own life...When I think like this, I don't get overwhelmed!..Alyce.
ReplyDeleteLogic always has it's place. It cannot replace the matters of the heart, but it can help with matters of healing. I am glad you have a sort of map to sorting things out. It really helps. I find when I picture an analogy it helps me to see my way out of the forest of frustration and being overwhelmed. Your comment makes me feel like my analogy of comparing overcoming hurdles to climbing Mt. Everest may be helpful. Thank you. I was wondering if it would help or confuse others.
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