It Takes More than Just Exercise...

I just finished watching a video, "The Made Who Ate Himself To Death." It was such a sad movie. At the end I found out he'd lost the battle to obesity. I'm still affected by what I just saw. Damn! I think about how hard it is to eat right. I still fight the urge to stop at fast food places especially during evening hours. And to be completely honest, I don't know if I would be doing as well if life changes weren't needed for my son. What if he didn't have gut issues? What if he didn't develop seizures? Would I have been strong enough to make the changes that I've made?

I talked to a good friend yesterday. She just found out that she gained weight at her last doctor's appointment. Some of the health issues that were once getting better are worsening again. Her doctor is talking about giving her a gastric balloon. I guess that's better than going under the knife. She seems to be okay with it. I am going to support her whatever her decision. This is just another reminder of how difficult it is to win the battle against ED let alone the war.

I think about you guys all the time and I wonder how are you really doing. I listen through the silence hoping to somehow hear your answers as you read my posts. I'd love to know where you are in your journey and if there are any words of encouragement I can offer. I share my story though my story may not be anything like yours. I offer hope as I continue to find my way. It's not easy and it damn sure takes more than a little exercise to make it all better. For me, working towards beating Ed has been having to make efforts that surpass my wildest imagination and sometimes beyond my ability. It means being able to withstand not having the support that I'd hoped for from family and friends. Do you know, that I have actually asked friends to help me by way of encouraging me to not eat if they hear me munching over the phone late night. It didn't happen. And in some cases they encouraged me to eat more. That's okay, I had to figure out a way to help myself. That's when the premeasured snack came into play. Have you tried that by the way? Or does something else work for you? Maybe you haven't quite figured it out yet. Don't give up.

On Fridays I post exercise videos just to share some ideas and encourage you as well as myself to get moving and keep moving. I've actually found it helpful. Do you? I hope so. I don't ever want to be one of those people who say, "If I can do it, you can do it." I believe you can do it, but that has nothing to do with what I can or cannot do. I believe you can do it because I believe when you work through the crap that started this process, you will see that you are worth the effort and with that you will succeed. Don't give up.

There's going to be hardships and times of smooth sailing...hills and valleys. You know like I know. It's not easy, but necessary. You can't clean things unless they get dirty. You can't fix what doesn't get broken. You can't appreciate good if you don't know bad. And you certainly can't embrace peace if you don't know what it is to come out of chaos. In all things there is something to be gained. It could be experience, knowledge, courage... Whatever it is, when you gain it remember to apply it to your life so you don't keep falling back into the same trap time and time again. That was a hard lesson for me to learn. I am a lover of knowledge, but I didn't always utilize what I learned. Using the knowledge that I've gain through hardships has really made a difference. Glad I finally figured it out.

This post goes out to my friend who is struggling, but still fighting the good fight. I am with you my friend and I hope that you find the strength, courage and ability to get through today. Don't worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will take care of itself. I pray you receive the support you hope for and deserve. This is just a momentary set back. You will wake up to a fresh new start. Don't give up.

Keep fighting the good fight, my friends. Don't give up.

Onward and Upward!  

Embrace The Journey

Embrace the journey, one precious step at a time.

A Little Something For You

Hi there, I want to share a little something with you before I go to bed. It's late here...1:15am, so I'm going to tidy up a bit and call it a night. 

Last night I had gotten real hungry. I ate a small snack of leftover turkey and a handful of plain unsalted chips. Yeah, I wanted more, but I didn't eat more. I went straight to bed and prayed for sleep. Last night was a successful night.

Today was a very good day and tonight has been good also. No cravings or hunger so far. I just hope I can get to sleep soon.

Anyway, I was thinking of you guys and found this video to share.

Keeping you all in my prayers.

Goodnight...

At Storms End

In life we all will experience storms. Some storms pass through quickly and others linger for what seems like an eternity. No matter the size or duration, all storms leave their mark.

As you know, I have been experiencing many storms. This past storm lasted 6 months and is now coming to its end. The storms I speak of are the storms of life which can be financial, relationships, physical health, mental health or spiritual health...whatever. For me it could be either or a combination of all. It just depends...

With each storm there is the potential to fall back into the hard to break habit of binging and starving. Even though I have fallen several times, I have not stayed in the cycle long. This is a great improvement. During the last leg of my most recent storm I have been able to maintain a healthier eating style. Every morning like clock work, I rise out of bed, give my son his meds, say my prayers and cook breakfast.

Remember when it was difficult for me to deal with breakfast? How I used to start each day with a pack of cheese crackers? It may have taken a few months and a couple back steps, but I seldom give into the urge to starve myself. As far as binging...well, as with anything, it is a work in progress. Every part of me is a work in progress and progress is what I am seeing.

I know I say this often, but it reins true for anyone who struggles with ED or addiction of any kind.
There are days when I feel stronger and there are days when I feel that failure is my only companion. Today I feel strong. I don't know what tomorrow will bring and I'm not going to worry about it. I'm only focusing on what I can handle in this moment while giving thanks for the strides I've made and the resources for healing that I've gained.

No matter how bad things may seem from one moment to the next...keep up the good fight...
 

DON'T GIVE UP! 

Sharing Progress

Hi everyone! I hope that you are still on the road to wellness. If not, don't worry the road is still there. You'll just have to make your way back. As you know, the road to wellness has many hills and valleys. What makes the path a successful one is when we accept and acknowledge that hills and valleys will come and continue working hard to achieve our goals.

WE ALL CAN ACHIVE IT, IF WE BELIEVE IT 

I've been thinking about you and hoping the best for you. I have not written in some time. I don't want to risk being redundant or mundane, so I pace myself that I am able to give you up to date information as it occurs. Sometimes I go through periods of time with little to no change. Which is a  good thing for me most of the time. I hope the breaks aren't too long and that you will continue reading my posts.

There's not too much going on with me. I am pleased to say that I'm still eating very well during the day. I've had a couple night binges since my last post, but doing much better. Things seem to be on the right course now that I've gotten a much better handle on daytime eating. Still having to rely on late night snacks, but I don't have to have them every night. I prepare them still, but only eat the snack if I feel I really need it.

I'm in a much better place with myself. I feel love for myself and I'm working on having a healthy relationship with myself. My afformations are working. I didn't think they would at first, but they really are. I'm glad I stuck to it this time. I'm still struggling with my letter to self. Been talking to the therapist about it and we both agree this is something that I'll need to keep at the forefront. Not to push myself too much, but give the task my attention from time to time. Eventually, I will get the 1st letter written. 

You opinion is needed. I've been thinking about doing a few audio posts in this blog. Is that something you'd be interested in? I figure it might be nice to just listen sometimes. Please let me know if you think you'd like to listen to a few posts. I may do a test audio post and ask your opinion then. You comments are always appreciated.

(Alert: Potential Trigger)
On the down side, I went to see my doctor about a week ago. Of course you know the first thing I had to do was to get on the scale. I don't understand why they insist weighing has to happen each visit, especially with someone who is diagnosed with an ED. I wonder if it would help that I mention this while setting up appointments? Anyway, I got on the scale and to my dismay, discovered that I'd gained weight. I wish I could get the number out of my head. I have not let new discovery disturb or disrupt the progress I've made. I acknowledge the effect it could have on me, so I make it a point to be extra mindful of eating for my health everyday. I've been doing so well lately. I can't bare the thought of falling back to my old ways. I don't know why I've gained weight. Right now all I can do is continue thinking healthy and changing some of the things that I've been eating. I'm not going to get hyper focused on this. Please don't allow my words to trigger you.

On to happier subjects. My skin in looking better and I will be seeing a new dermatologist soon. I've been seeing my old dermatologist for many years. I think he's just tired of seeing me and really doesn't care anymore. It's largely because I question his judgment sometimes. I don't like taking lots of pills and I'm particularly weary of side effects. Needless to say, I don't give in easy. Perhaps he's just tired of the fight.

I had my godson over for a movie night before his birthday. He just turned 21. It doesn't seem like it's been 21 years, not to mention, my son is turning 15 next month. Time is moving way too fast. (sigh) In the past, my godson's visits have been a source of great binging pleasure. We've always had a history of eating everything we wanted on the nights that he visits. I guess one could rationalize it and say we were having a foodie vacation. The reality was that I had an eating partner and enjoyed sharing the wealth. I've only recently accepted the fact that I did this. For the past few years I've been encouraging my godson to eat less when visiting us. I wasn't that strict and would often give in to his sad puppy dog eyes when gazing at a delectable treat. Since I've come to terms with severity of my situation I've become much more strict. He doesn't like it, but that's how it has to be. I can't afford to keep binging with him and I don't want to encourage him to binge, especially now that I can see what is was all along...a love of mass quantities of food after dark.

During his last visit I treated him to Chinese food, which he loves. This time we were only allowed one entre, one appetizer and one snack for later on. I knew he was disappointed and tried to hide it, but I also noticed the he was satisfied with the quantity of food. That he did not gorge himself as he used to, but was forced to allowed himself time to feel full. Yes, I am doing the right thing...for both of us. Oddly enough, my son never got into the binging on movie night. I'm so very glad about that.

All in all, I think that I have made great strides on many levels. I can see a rainbow at the end of the tunnel. I continue to hope that my words encourage you. Wellness is achievable for all of us if only we don't give up. Stay strong...be encouraged, especially during the rough patches and celebrate your accomplishments as they come.

Give yourselves a hug today and here's a great big hug from me to you (((((HUG)))).

Take good care my friends, continue on your journey to wellness. You are not alone.