December 16, 2014: Calling ED Out Pt. 1

I mentioned several posts ago that I started reading "Life Without ED: How One Woman Delclared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too," By Jenni Schaefer with Thom Rutledge.

I'm reading this book a little at a time. Sometimes if I try to take too much information in it become overwhelming. Besides, I like to mull over what I've read thoroughly digesting it before continuing. What I've read so far has the potential of being very helpful. I admit that I was a bit hesitant to becoming completely engrossed in the book for one reason and one reason only. Jenni's ED is Anorexia. My initial feeling was of disappointment. Here I am reading another book about Anorexia. What does that have to do with me? Reading a bit more I found invaluable insight and methodology that can help most any eating disorder.

We all have relationships with our disorder even if we don't see it that way. I appreciate how Jenni separates herself from her eating disorder, giving it it's own identity and functioning in her life. This makes sense. In a previous post I stated that my eating disorder had taken on a life of it's own. Reading Life Without Ed shows me that my thoughts are right on track. EDs are very much an identifiable entity in my life.

One of the more interesting parts of what I've read so far is how Jenni talks about Ed as if it were a real person, as if being in a bad marriage and wanting a divorce. How appropriate. I stopped just after this point because I wanted to allow this concept to really sink in.

I lieu of the recent onset of binging I have turned my attention to calling out Ed. I want Ed to step out of the shadows and so I can fully identify him, seeing him in his ugly truth. I may not experience Ed in the way others experience him. For Jenni, Ed told her she was fat and thin is so much better. My Ed tells me that it's okay to be fat. He tells me to eat, drink and be merry, accept I'm not merry. I've eaten myself into misery. My Ed tells me to sooth myself with more food and it will be alright. Food will never hurt me...yeah right.

I figure, if I can call Ed out I can begin working on a healthier internal dialog, one that counters what he tells me. I've managed to do some of this already only this time it will be different...I hope.

Something has to give. I've been sinking into a huge hole of despair. I'm so tired, too tired to claw my way out. But if I stop trying, the inevitable will happen and I don't want that to happen.

I continue fighting for my life. There will be many ups and downs along the way. Just know that I have not completely given out nor am I giving up. I'm just going through...

Progress/Setbacks

My daytime food intake has been very good. I am more creative with breakfasts, especially on the weekends. On Sunday for breakfast I had French toast, smoked turkey sausage and a scrambled egg and a cup of hot tea. I enjoyed every bit of it and was able to manage a snack later that afternoon and a delicious dinner that night consisting of rice, veggies and stewed chicken.

I've recently tried incorporating some of my favorite taste combinations like hotdogs and applesauce, but I'm not strong enough to have a childhood favorites yet. I've discovered that having favored taste combinations can trigger binging because that taste combination was fueled by a need for comfort, so that is something I will need to avoid for now.

Nighttime eating is getting a little better. I don't have a desire to binge every night as I have in recent past. I've managed to get through some nights with or without a snack and other nights, well, I binge, but I try very hard to find mental comfort so I can stop the feed. It helps at times. 

Bits and Pieces

My eyes are too buggy.

My forehead too big.

My hair is unruly.

It looks like a wig.

 

My breasts are not perky.

My stomach protrudes.

Thighs shaped like tree trunks.

Accompanied by dimpled glutes. 

 

My skin heavily scared,

And stretched so tight.

Over the bulky frame of my girth,

Nothing shaped quite right.

 

My feet are to small,

As if unable to stand at all.

Slightly on tippy toe,

I've learned to lean just so.

 

A lingering stare into a mirror,

Loathing every bit and part of me.

A living portrait of my own worst enemy.

What ever will become of me.

 

One day most assuredly,
I will develop a healthier perception of me.

And I will stare into that mirror...you see,

With a brand new ability to love the entire me.

 

 

 

March 4, 2014

Yesterday was an exciting day because of my eating accomplishments. As I started working on my next post, it came to mind to create a list of accomplishments along with methods that are working for me, what's not to do and all that jazz. But then, I stopped in my tracks. I read over what was written, my goodness, I came across as a wound-up, chatty know-it-all. It was horrible and I even had the nerve to begin preparing a disclaimer. You know the drill, "I am not a licensed professional..." No! That is not what this blog is going to be about. I'm not going to get on my soap box and start spewing lines of information for the masses. Not happening here...


This blog will be a place of sharing, caring, exchanging helpful tips at times and healing. Within the walls of this blog there is forgiveness, acceptance, there is revelation, elation, triumph, failure you name it and it's here. I am not here to toot my own horn. Even if I did, nothing much would come out...at least, nothing having substance.


Today for breakfast I ate a small portion of left over rice with chicken and broccoli topped with a scrambled egg. Breakfast was at 1pm.


I will make myself have a snack in a couple hours. Peanut butter crackers and a cup of hot tea. I heard somewhere that drinking hot fluids after eating helps digestion. That's not the reason I'm having hot tea. I want to make my eating time more enjoyable, less rudimentary. So I figure, if I can learn to enjoy the simple pleasure of smelling, tasting, chewing and experiencing my foods, perhaps it will be easier for me to see myself eating proper meals.


Believe it or not, I really do enjoy cooking. Nothing's more rewarding than my son letting me know he enjoyed his meal or having friends over and watching them savor every bite. Preparing a meal for family and friends is an expression of love...nothing like loving that comes from the oven. I think that's how it goes. Funny though, that same notion doesn't apply when cooking for myself.


Dinner is left over chili and brown rice. We will eat around 6:30. My late night snack may be around 1am.