I mentioned several posts ago that I started reading "Life Without ED: How One Woman Delclared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too," By Jenni Schaefer with Thom Rutledge.
I'm reading this book a little at a time. Sometimes if I try to take too much information in it become overwhelming. Besides, I like to mull over what I've read thoroughly digesting it before continuing. What I've read so far has the potential of being very helpful. I admit that I was a bit hesitant to becoming completely engrossed in the book for one reason and one reason only. Jenni's ED is Anorexia. My initial feeling was of disappointment. Here I am reading another book about Anorexia. What does that have to do with me? Reading a bit more I found invaluable insight and methodology that can help most any eating disorder.
We all have relationships with our disorder even if we don't see it that way. I appreciate how Jenni separates herself from her eating disorder, giving it it's own identity and functioning in her life. This makes sense. In a previous post I stated that my eating disorder had taken on a life of it's own. Reading Life Without Ed shows me that my thoughts are right on track. EDs are very much an identifiable entity in my life.
One of the more interesting parts of what I've read so far is how Jenni talks about Ed as if it were a real person, as if being in a bad marriage and wanting a divorce. How appropriate. I stopped just after this point because I wanted to allow this concept to really sink in.
I lieu of the recent onset of binging I have turned my attention to calling out Ed. I want Ed to step out of the shadows and so I can fully identify him, seeing him in his ugly truth. I may not experience Ed in the way others experience him. For Jenni, Ed told her she was fat and thin is so much better. My Ed tells me that it's okay to be fat. He tells me to eat, drink and be merry, accept I'm not merry. I've eaten myself into misery. My Ed tells me to sooth myself with more food and it will be alright. Food will never hurt me...yeah right.
I figure, if I can call Ed out I can begin working on a healthier internal dialog, one that counters what he tells me. I've managed to do some of this already only this time it will be different...I hope.
Something has to give. I've been sinking into a huge hole of despair. I'm so tired, too tired to claw my way out. But if I stop trying, the inevitable will happen and I don't want that to happen.
I continue fighting for my life. There will be many ups and downs along the way. Just know that I have not completely given out nor am I giving up. I'm just going through...
Progress/Setbacks
My daytime food intake has been very good. I am more creative with breakfasts, especially on the weekends. On Sunday for breakfast I had French toast, smoked turkey sausage and a scrambled egg and a cup of hot tea. I enjoyed every bit of it and was able to manage a snack later that afternoon and a delicious dinner that night consisting of rice, veggies and stewed chicken.
I've recently tried incorporating some of my favorite taste combinations like hotdogs and applesauce, but I'm not strong enough to have a childhood favorites yet. I've discovered that having favored taste combinations can trigger binging because that taste combination was fueled by a need for comfort, so that is something I will need to avoid for now.
Nighttime eating is getting a little better. I don't have a desire to binge every night as I have in recent past. I've managed to get through some nights with or without a snack and other nights, well, I binge, but I try very hard to find mental comfort so I can stop the feed. It helps at times.
Showing posts with label Books about NES. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Books about NES. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Monday, December 8, 2014
December 8, 2014
Affirmation after affirmation and I'm still trying to feel better. Some days I feel so strong, but today I do not.
How am I supposed to look in the mirror and see beauty when I look in the faces of others and see disgust? Do I really see the disgust of others or am I seeing a reflection of my own.
Sometimes it's more than stress that sends me spiraling into binging. Sometimes it's the need to forget or escape things...a night of self-medicating.
I tell myself that food will never hurt me, but it does and I let it. I'm just as accepting of the pain binging bring as I've been of abusive behaviors toward me. I take it all in thinking that taking it makes me stronger. I'm not getting stronger, I'm just becoming more numb.
For the past few nights I have giving into binging. I can't even say what is the reason. I couldn't stop...no matter what I tried. To be completely honest I didn't really try. I simply complied to it's wishes. I ate without measure and did not care. I slept with ease then woke to nausea. Typical scenario, only this time I didn't let it stop me from eating as I should. I hold up well in the light of day, but by night the urges return and I binge again. I've been cycling for the past 3 nights. Even if at that time I wanted to stop I knew I'd lose this fight.
Dear God, please help me get through tonight without binging. I feel the cravings so strong. I need the strength to fight the inner voice that constantly points out the wrongs.
It's 2:14am and I'm no where near sleep. Will I be more productive or will I just eat?
Perhaps another cup of tea or something to read to dull the negativity and the need...
How am I supposed to look in the mirror and see beauty when I look in the faces of others and see disgust? Do I really see the disgust of others or am I seeing a reflection of my own.
Sometimes it's more than stress that sends me spiraling into binging. Sometimes it's the need to forget or escape things...a night of self-medicating.
I tell myself that food will never hurt me, but it does and I let it. I'm just as accepting of the pain binging bring as I've been of abusive behaviors toward me. I take it all in thinking that taking it makes me stronger. I'm not getting stronger, I'm just becoming more numb.
For the past few nights I have giving into binging. I can't even say what is the reason. I couldn't stop...no matter what I tried. To be completely honest I didn't really try. I simply complied to it's wishes. I ate without measure and did not care. I slept with ease then woke to nausea. Typical scenario, only this time I didn't let it stop me from eating as I should. I hold up well in the light of day, but by night the urges return and I binge again. I've been cycling for the past 3 nights. Even if at that time I wanted to stop I knew I'd lose this fight.
Dear God, please help me get through tonight without binging. I feel the cravings so strong. I need the strength to fight the inner voice that constantly points out the wrongs.
It's 2:14am and I'm no where near sleep. Will I be more productive or will I just eat?
Perhaps another cup of tea or something to read to dull the negativity and the need...
Monday, June 16, 2014
Why Write About NES? - June 16, 2014
Last night I started thinking about why there are few people who write about their eating disorders. I can't say that I've come up with what I'd consider a definitive answer, but I will say that giving thought to the question was an eye opening experience.
When the question of why more people don't write about their eating disorders popped up in my head I had to question myself as to why I am one who wants to write about it. First and foremost, I want Night Eating Syndrome (NES) to be seen as a "real" eating disorder. Right now there's not enough information on the subject and there are so many out there are suffering from NES and have nowhere to go and few resources to tap into. There are a couple books, one of which is a very good book, "Overcoming Night Eating Syndrome: A Step-by-Step Guide to Breaking the Cycle." I bought this book 4 years ago when I finally decided to take my eating disorder seriously. I'd been working some things out on my own and thought it would be good to have a book to reference. To my surprise I was doing remarkable well and could check off many of the items mentioned in the book. I strongly recommend this book if you want to know more about NES and are looking for ways to combat this disorder.
Here's a little more information about the book. http://books.google.com/books/about/Overcoming_Night_Eating_Syndrome.html?id=Lk5kDxJRCqcC
Even thought "Overcoming Night Eating Syndrome: A Step-by-Step Guide to Breaking The Cycle" is a very good book, I still needed to know more. There are other books out there, but their view is from a clinical/scientific/research viewpoint. That's not good enough. I want to hear from those who live with this disorder everyday. I don't mind statistics, but what about the human element. Let's not forget that.
I also purchased another book, "Eating Disorders: The Common Disorders Including Bulimia, Anorexia and Bing (not my typo this is verbatim) Eating, and Less Common Disorders Including Pica, Night Eating Syndrome, Purging Disorders, Etc. Edited by Dakota Stevens From High Quality Wikipedia Articles." Yes this is exactly what's written on the cover. The most I can say about this book...I should have gotten my money back. It was a joke, literally something that I could have looked up for free on Wikipedia. I will give them this much, there were honest about their source. How ever did I come across this book, there's not even a link for it.
I found it! It took some doing. I searched on Google, Amazon, Bing, Barnes and Noble and finally had to go back to Google and do a search by the barcode number to get information on this book to come up. Here it is... http://www.abebooks.com/9781240059775/Eating-Disorders-Common-including-Bulimia-1240059779/plp
"Hunger Pains: The Modern Woman's Tragic Quest for Thinness" is another good book. It does not talk about NES so much as it talks about the development of eating disorders, mainly Bulimia and Anorexia Nervosa. It's a good book if you want to investigate possible causes or as I call it "roots" to developing ED. As I always say, you cannot completely combat and problem without attacking it at the root.
Here's a link to more information about Hunger Pains http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/355755.Hunger_Pains
No matter how many "how to" and informational books are out there on any subject, there is nothing like hearing the story from the person who lived it. I miss reading about personal trails and vindicating moments, thought process and how life plays its role. It's those kinds of things that I would like to read about.
When I first decided to write about NES, I didn't know where to start nor where to go with it. I'm still figuring it out as I go. What I know for sure that I definitely don't want to fill the readers heads with statistics and general facts. I want the readers of my story to know what I am feeling and what affects me. I wanted to share what my life was like at the beginning of this journey into hell and what my life is like as I begin to climb my way out. It is those things that make more sense to me. Numbers are for mathematicians. Words are for those who want to experience the fullness and richness of an experience in a way that we can connect to.
This morning, I woke up hungry and filled with anticipation about the first meal of the day. I also plan on having a sandwich for lunch and possibly trying a new recipe for dinner. I haven't decided what to cook yet, but I look forward to preparing it and eating it. I like that. I like looking forward to enjoying a healthy meal.
When the question of why more people don't write about their eating disorders popped up in my head I had to question myself as to why I am one who wants to write about it. First and foremost, I want Night Eating Syndrome (NES) to be seen as a "real" eating disorder. Right now there's not enough information on the subject and there are so many out there are suffering from NES and have nowhere to go and few resources to tap into. There are a couple books, one of which is a very good book, "Overcoming Night Eating Syndrome: A Step-by-Step Guide to Breaking the Cycle." I bought this book 4 years ago when I finally decided to take my eating disorder seriously. I'd been working some things out on my own and thought it would be good to have a book to reference. To my surprise I was doing remarkable well and could check off many of the items mentioned in the book. I strongly recommend this book if you want to know more about NES and are looking for ways to combat this disorder.
Here's a little more information about the book. http://books.google.com/books/about/Overcoming_Night_Eating_Syndrome.html?id=Lk5kDxJRCqcC
Even thought "Overcoming Night Eating Syndrome: A Step-by-Step Guide to Breaking The Cycle" is a very good book, I still needed to know more. There are other books out there, but their view is from a clinical/scientific/research viewpoint. That's not good enough. I want to hear from those who live with this disorder everyday. I don't mind statistics, but what about the human element. Let's not forget that.
I also purchased another book, "Eating Disorders: The Common Disorders Including Bulimia, Anorexia and Bing (not my typo this is verbatim) Eating, and Less Common Disorders Including Pica, Night Eating Syndrome, Purging Disorders, Etc. Edited by Dakota Stevens From High Quality Wikipedia Articles." Yes this is exactly what's written on the cover. The most I can say about this book...I should have gotten my money back. It was a joke, literally something that I could have looked up for free on Wikipedia. I will give them this much, there were honest about their source. How ever did I come across this book, there's not even a link for it.
I found it! It took some doing. I searched on Google, Amazon, Bing, Barnes and Noble and finally had to go back to Google and do a search by the barcode number to get information on this book to come up. Here it is... http://www.abebooks.com/9781240059775/Eating-Disorders-Common-including-Bulimia-1240059779/plp
"Hunger Pains: The Modern Woman's Tragic Quest for Thinness" is another good book. It does not talk about NES so much as it talks about the development of eating disorders, mainly Bulimia and Anorexia Nervosa. It's a good book if you want to investigate possible causes or as I call it "roots" to developing ED. As I always say, you cannot completely combat and problem without attacking it at the root.
Here's a link to more information about Hunger Pains http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/355755.Hunger_Pains
No matter how many "how to" and informational books are out there on any subject, there is nothing like hearing the story from the person who lived it. I miss reading about personal trails and vindicating moments, thought process and how life plays its role. It's those kinds of things that I would like to read about.
When I first decided to write about NES, I didn't know where to start nor where to go with it. I'm still figuring it out as I go. What I know for sure that I definitely don't want to fill the readers heads with statistics and general facts. I want the readers of my story to know what I am feeling and what affects me. I wanted to share what my life was like at the beginning of this journey into hell and what my life is like as I begin to climb my way out. It is those things that make more sense to me. Numbers are for mathematicians. Words are for those who want to experience the fullness and richness of an experience in a way that we can connect to.
This morning, I woke up hungry and filled with anticipation about the first meal of the day. I also plan on having a sandwich for lunch and possibly trying a new recipe for dinner. I haven't decided what to cook yet, but I look forward to preparing it and eating it. I like that. I like looking forward to enjoying a healthy meal.
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