Feeling Better: Making Decisions 5/26/14

My last post was pretty intense, at least it was for me. I needed to get my emotions out. Felt like I was drowning. I needed to release. I wasn't my best for a few days after. There was no binging, but I had to resume my late night snack to keep from binging. Trying to wean myself off of late snacks again, was doing pretty well until recently.


In lieu of our recent holiday, Memorial Day, I've had to make some decisions about food and entertainment. I thought it best not to cook out because that would leave me with too much cooked food in the house. It would be better to eat out, which limits my intake. For a brief moment I thought about ordering an additional sandwich or entre to take home, but quickly dismissed the thought. No extra foods allowed!


I wanted to treat myself to one of my favorite things which is orange peels dipped in chocolate. Its not something I get often and it's been over a year since the last time I treated myself, so, I went to the Chocolate Factory and purchased a few pieces and 3 pieces of chocolate covered seafoam. My candy purchase should last a couple weeks. Ironically I've never binged on chocolates. I guess it's because I'm not a lover of chocolate and rarely have it in the house. I usually eat 3 or 4 pieces of the chocolate covered orange peel at a time. They are small, but quite satisfying.


Last night I wanted something a little sweet. I did not turn to my chocolate, but ate strawberries with a homemade fruit dip. It was delicious. A perfect treat at the end of a good day.


I'm trying to figure out what's the best way to deal with my desire to lose weight. I don't want to think about pounds and calories. Should I think of myself in body parts, like focusing on my stomach, thighs or bottom? I don't think that will work for me either. Thoughts of that nature can easily turn into obsessions. Perhaps I will think of muscle groups. That's not the same as thinking about my girth. I could focus on strengthening, elongating, stretching, but not so much sculpting. It needs to be more about my health, not my weight. No numbers allowed! That's the funny thing about weight loss. You can't really accurately measure pound lost because as fat is lost muscle is gained. There's a counter balance there that may lead you to believe that you've gained weight or are at a stand still. Not a good situation for a person with an eating disorder. Okay then, that settles it. I believe the best way for me to begin working on my physical self is to focus on that which is less damning and that will be my muscles. It's worth a shot.


Yesterday was a bad eating day, during the day that is... My son and I had plans to eat out with friends. I wanted to eat that morning, but dismissed it because I was eating out and didn't want to consume too many calories. I'm not trying to make any excuses. I know I should have eaten earlier. We did not get to the eatery until after 3pm. My energy level was plummeting. I order the shrimp and fries with a large glass of water. I managed to eat all of my shrimp, but not many of the fries. It wasn't long after that I began to feel awful. The top of my stomach started aching and I began having mild heart palpitations periodically. I've heard of having heart palpitations when severe restriction occurs, but for me it's different. My body lies dormant while I'm in starvation mode. I feel okay with exception to feeling very tired as it gets later in the day. Shortly after consuming a meal (something more than crackers) I start feeling sick. My body does not adjust well from starvation mode to eating mode. It's like my body goes into shock because I've eaten. It usually takes about an hour before I start to feel better. I'm not sure what all is occurring inside my body. I just know that 38 years of having an eating disorder has done damage. If I eat as I should I don't have these problems.


Nothing showed up in my last physical. I think next time I go to the doctor's office I'll mention my symptoms and see what they say.


I made a point not to hold out on food today. I ate a good breakfast, 2 eggs, cheese, leftover veggies and water. For lunch I ate pears in extra light syrup. This is not an ideal meal, but it's something. Dinner was chicken fajitas with lots of veggies, a little rice and beans, no tortillas and water.