Happy Saturday!
It's a beautiful day. The weather is perfect and I am feeling good. There haven't been many days where I could say that I really felt good. I do today. May this feeling last forever...
As I mentioned to you on Thursday. I finished recording the voices for the poem, They Them Us Me. Yesterday morning my friend called very exited about the project. He's going to work on the tracks over the weekend and Then I will go into the studio next week to work with him on final touches. This is part of the reason I feel so good today. The other thing that's making me feel good is my continuing to eat better during the day. It has not been perfect. Sometimes I get started a little later than wanted, but not due to depression or lack of appetite. I've been busy doing things...accomplishing things...planning things. It's been good.
Yesterday I had a few down moments. I was thinking about my eczema and how it's ravaged most of my body and taken a good portion of my hair. I've been avoiding dealing with my hair because I did not want to be reminded of my loss. Today I washed my hair. I almost backed out of it. I wanted not to care. I wanted not to feel the pain. I wanted not to feel like a leper. As I towel dried my hair I said to myself, "I am committed to working on loving myself even when it's hard." I usually say the entire sentence when standing in front of the mirror. This time it was different. The words had more meaning. Even thought I only stated part of the sentence, it was what I needed to hear at the time.
I am committed to working on loving myself even when it's hard. As soon as I said the words I instantly felt better. I'm feeling reassured about loving myself and doing good things for myself no matter how hard it may be. That's what it's all about. Being able to love yourself enough to do good things for yourself even when you have difficulty doing them. I'm starting to feel love for myself. It can be an uphill battle sometimes. I don't make it easy, but I realize that I'm worth it. I am worth the extra effort.
Baby steps do turn into big steps.
My eczema is improving some. It will take time. I have faith that I will heal from this as well and be restored or perhaps be even better.
For breakfast today I had 2 eggs with left over veggies and a large glass of water. Lunch was pretty light, I had cheese and crackers with pears and a large glass of water. For dinner I am having a 6 inch chicken philly sub and small fry with a large glass of water.
I was talking today with a friend of mine, about gaining weight. I have gained almost 30 pounds in the last two years. In talking to her, I realized that as much as I hate the extra weight, I always hated my body, even when I was only 5 lbs. over the ideal chart weight. I think I have sort of conceded to the idea, that if I can't look like that ideal chart weight person, then what difference does it make? No one cares what I look like, Hubby don't care that I gained so much weight, which is sweet but unhelpful. I don't particularly care if I am fat 'per say'...I have to try the loving myself words like you do- maybe it will help to motivate my thinking away from seriously not caring about the weight, to one of 'taking better of the body I have'...Thank you for the insight, Alyce'
ReplyDeleteI have received much insight too. A very precious person once said these words to me, "the ability to discard thoughts that no longer serve a purpose are free to leave..you thank them for their service, and let them go..." I'm sure you remember these words. Make room for the new and improved thoughts that want to come in. :-)
ReplyDeleteOh yes! Yes I do remember that- good point! I must begin to think more seriously of my body being a gift from God, his creation not mine, and something amazing to be treated with respect. I will think to myself, "I am borrowing this body from the Lord, as a means to make my way through this planet as a Human being". I think that could make a dent in my thick skull. After all, when I think about it, who am I to detest the work of the Lord's hands? Yet I do!! Oh my...Love Alyce.
ReplyDeleteYes, seeing yourself through Godly eyes. We are all precious in his sight.
ReplyDeleteI don't know where your vision of self comes from; if it was something that you felt and saw yourself as or something that you were told...forced to see through the eyes of others. What's helping me a great deal right now is the process of writing a letter to myself. I am trying to get to know myself on an intimate level. Taking this step helps me to see myself through my own eyes and not the eyes of my tormentors.