The Struggle Is REAL

I’m so glad to finally have time to get back to my blogs. It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything here. I want you to know that you are still in my thoughts and prayers even when I don’t get the chance to check in.

My son and I are doing well. A few posts ago I mentioned my son having some difficulties with maintaining his weight. We’re still not sure why he had the sudden drop. Initially, we thought he was not getting enough calories with diet changes. He’s still on a Paleo/Gluten Free diet plan and it’s working out well so far. I won’t get into his actual weight. One of my promises when starting this blog was that I would try my best not to post numbers. Numbers are a definite trigger for me and almost never lead up to healthful choices. If you don’t know what I mean I will be happy to explain. The road to recovery from an eating disorder is hard enough without bearing the weight of numbers such as portion size, how many calories, carbs, pounds, reps, etc. I tend to become hyper-focused on numbers when having to deal with them frequently so I try to stay away as much as possible. I only weigh when going to the doctor because weighing at home creates a higher potential for obsessive behaviors such as obsessing over weight gain or loss every day. Starving and binging would soon follow and that is the last thing I need.

Getting back to my son. He did lose several pounds but gained them back over the holidays. Tweaking his diet, adding supplemental drinks occasionally and encouraging him to eat small meals frequently helped tremendously. My son is learning what foods make him feel good and what foods disrupt his digestion. He’s also gaging himself on how much he eats and he’s taking more time to chew his food. I tell you what, I could not be prouder. I know the doctors didn’t have much hope getting my son to make healthier choices. No matter if a person is autistic or not, having the patience and taking the time to work on things that need to be worked on will bring forth improvement. Believe me, a little improvement is better than no improvement. In my son’s case, his improvement has been tremendous. I also think his maturity level has increased nicely over the past year.

As for me, I’ve managed to get past a major threshold. I've gotten down to the weight I was when I first found out I was pregnant with my son 19 years ago. It’s been quite an adjustment. When I say the struggle is REAL, it really is. I’ve been struggling with urges to binge since just before the holidays after meeting one of my goals. I was plagued with fear (stemming from childhood trauma) and I needed to get it in check. So while working on my latest issues with body appearance and attracting attention to myself I’m battling sever urges. I do well sometimes and other times I don’t. That being said, I am in no way going back to where I came from. I don’t ever want to see those pounds again. Instead of trying to force the issue and fight this thing until I give out, I am applying appropriate attention to my eating and exercising while working on maintaining where I am until I manage to get past this hurdle. It's working for me, but still a struggle…one that I have no intention of losing.

For now, I am still maintaining my progress within a couple pounds of my last major weight check. Binging and cravings are starting to subside. I’m still eating meals well and taking on the challenges one day and one craving at a time. Today has been a good day. Onward and Upward!