Feeling Inspired

I was skyping with my cousin a few days ago. She was depressed about her weight and other health issues. We talked for a long time. I know what it's like to say you want to do something for yourself and not be able to do it. I'm sure those who've read this blog have seen my struggles with that very subject.

It wasn't that long ago when I was saying the same things my cousin said to me. I knew that I wanted to do more for myself, but could not bring myself to follow through. Changing my eating habits alone is not enough for me to obtain my goals...at least the goals I've set for dealing with my body image.

Anyway, my cousin and I talked extensively about the costs of gym memberships. Even the YMCA is costly and neither one of us has an extra $350 lying around to pay for a yearly membership. Then it hits me. What is my favorite go to place when I'm looking for information on most anything? (drum roll) YouTube!

It didn't take long for me to find a long line of health and fitness videos. I only had to narrow it down to something that we both can do and enjoy. Due to health issues, my cousin's mobility is limited and due to my having been inactive for so long I need to crawl my way back into a good fitness routine. What I found addressed both of our needs. There is a short series of videos designed for people having limited mobility. Does not matter if you are limited because of weight, health or age. It is also designed for beginning fitness enthusiasts as well. What I like most about these videos is there step program which starts off with exercise routines done from a sitting position and slowly works you up to doing full workouts from a standing position. How cool is that?!

I strongly recommend for anyone who has not worked out in a very long time like myself or is starting to work out for the very first time to consult your physician about starting any exercise program.

One of my most favorite aspects of these videos is that fact that you start from a sitting position. If I'm not working with my son, also usually from a sitting position, I am at my desk working on different projects. I do get up frequently to check on my son, get housework done and cook, but it's not enough movement to make a difference in my health. I can safely say the majority of my days is spent in a sitting position. These videos are just perfect for me. What better way to begin incorporating exercise into my daily routine?! It's easy, affordable, workable and proving to be beneficial.

WARNING: For those who are sensitive to seeing exercise activity please do not watch the video below.

Here is the video of Stage 1, episode 1 Workout Launchpad - Beginner Stage

I think this is a wonderful way to get moving even if you are in relatively good shape. I'm enjoying how I feel about myself after completing this work out. It's done wonders for me just to know that I am important enough to myself to take 26 minutes to do something wonderful and beneficial just for me.

I am still doing well with eating. I've taken on a new love and appreciation for my home cooking and love...love...love cooking healthy, delicious meals for myself and my family.

I still have a late snack on occasion and I've had 1 or 2 nights where the call to binge was stronger than it had been for awhile. It was very short lived. My eating schedule is better and I feel good...not just good...also good about myself. That is what's most important to me know...feeling good about myself.

Onward and Upward!!!!

Hugs to you all! Keep up the good fight.

Sharing Thoughts

How are you doing? I hope life is going well for you. Even more, I hope your healing is going well. Everything is good for me right now. I’m feeling much better about my circumstances. That’s not to say that there aren’t any problems. I’m simply making an effort to see things differently. Perhaps that is my greatest issue. I’ve not been able to consistently see things differently or let go of my past. I keep dragging it around with me comparing all of life’s little blips to the mishaps and traumas of unfortunate parenting which set the tone for my life. I was worthless in the eyes of my parents, but that was then. They are gone and can no longer hurt me. So why is it that I still feel like the wounded child? In part, it is because there is a part of me that is still wounded. It is that part of me that I must address because healing in that area will change much of my outlook in other areas.

How do the wounded help the wounded? They don’t. They can’t. Them that are actively licking their wounds cannot help the wounded. Why? When a wound hurts it takes almost if not all of our attention to deal with it. Even when trying to ignore wounds they command our attention.  If it weren’t true than there would be no overuse or addiction to drugs, alcohol, sex or any other kind of vice utilized to sooth and self-medicate the pain away. Some wounds command so much attention that it literally takes every waking moment to drown them out. A wounded person who is well into the recovery process can offer much help and words of wisdom. Sharing your story helps others as well as grounds you and keeps you focused on your own goals. Keep in mind not to get overly caught up in the wounds of another. It’s all too easy to become fixated on the problems of others and lose all control of our own issues.

Being a person of faith, I am taught to keep my mind on the Lord, be prayerful and turn my problems over to Him. Well, I haven’t been good about doing that lately and that explains why my problems seem larger than life. I am a prayerful person, but prayer alone does not work. Please don’t be shocked or confused by what I am saying. I believe in the power of prayer, however, if I am praying for help and do not fully trust that God is able and will help, than I’m really praying in vain. I’m still holding onto problems instead of letting them go and trusting God. When that happens, the weight of my world multiplies and it literally takes me off my feet.

On the other hand when I pray diligently and turn my problems over to God, trusting that God will take care of them and me. It changes the way I pray about problems. Instead of saying please help me with a specific problem, I might chose to say, thank you for taking on all of my problems and please fortify me that I may withstand whatever comes my way today. In asking for fortification I am seeking help and protection while acknowledging the problems I have are too great for me to handle by myself. In other words, it doesn’t benefit me to say I am turning over my problems while spinning the wheels of my mind searching for solutions.

Praying and turning my problems over to God does not mean that I am forgetting, neglecting or ignoring them. It simply means that I am trusting God to take care of my problems as I go about my day focusing more on what I can accomplish in the day as opposed to focusing on my problems. I am patiently trusting God while going about my days, always being mindful and prayerful about all things. Does that make sense?

When I was going through so much a few months ago I did not realize that I was holding on to my problems. I remember talking to God one evening and telling him that my pain was so great that I could not feel Him or hear Him. It was like God turned away from me. In fact, it was I who turned away from Him. I turned my focus towards my problems, not God. I trembled day and night…even in my sleep. I’d wake up holding myself and rocking. Anxiety was through the roof and hope was fading fast. My faith was being tested and I fear that I failed miserably.

Life continues to be plagued with little things gone wrong. Some days all the little things add up to be big things. I try not to let it get me down. Most important, I am learning not to operate out of emotions from the past, but to recognize that I am not that wounded child. Only a small part of me is wounded and I will address that part as needed. Unpleasant experiences of my past do not dictate the unpleasant experiences of today. I am learning to deal with problems better, not internalize them or categorize them into a convenient pre-packaged stock emotion from my childhood.

At Storms End

In life we all will experience storms. Some storms pass through quickly and others linger for what seems like an eternity. No matter the size or duration, all storms leave their mark.

As you know, I have been experiencing many storms. This past storm lasted 6 months and is now coming to its end. The storms I speak of are the storms of life which can be financial, relationships, physical health, mental health or spiritual health...whatever. For me it could be either or a combination of all. It just depends...

With each storm there is the potential to fall back into the hard to break habit of binging and starving. Even though I have fallen several times, I have not stayed in the cycle long. This is a great improvement. During the last leg of my most recent storm I have been able to maintain a healthier eating style. Every morning like clock work, I rise out of bed, give my son his meds, say my prayers and cook breakfast.

Remember when it was difficult for me to deal with breakfast? How I used to start each day with a pack of cheese crackers? It may have taken a few months and a couple back steps, but I seldom give into the urge to starve myself. As far as binging...well, as with anything, it is a work in progress. Every part of me is a work in progress and progress is what I am seeing.

I know I say this often, but it reins true for anyone who struggles with ED or addiction of any kind.
There are days when I feel stronger and there are days when I feel that failure is my only companion. Today I feel strong. I don't know what tomorrow will bring and I'm not going to worry about it. I'm only focusing on what I can handle in this moment while giving thanks for the strides I've made and the resources for healing that I've gained.

No matter how bad things may seem from one moment to the next...keep up the good fight...
 

DON'T GIVE UP! 

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to all of you! Thank you so much for allowing me into your lives and being a part of my journey.

My wish for you is that you have a blessed and prosperous future, not only monetarily prosperous, but spiritually prosperous. I  hope that you are able to take more steps towards healing and happiness and know that you are worth it. I want you to know that you are wonderful, beautiful, passionate and thoughtful. You were created for wonderful things, not the things that hurt your or plague you. You are capable of loving others as well as yourself and you are worthy of receiving the good things of life.

Happy New Year to you, my friends! You are always in my thoughts and prayers. :-)

Addition of Book Lists

Greetings everyone, I've just added a couple book lists to my blog page. There are two categories so far, Books about Eating Disorders and Books about Abuse and Healing. These are just a few of the books I've read or are reading and I hope to add more along the way. Would you be interested in a list of video/documentaries about the subjects as well? Please let me know.

I invite you to add your favorite books to the list. You may list them in the comment section of this post. I'd love to know what you've read and your opinion if care to share. I will talk about different books from the list periodically. Perhaps we could have a little book review post together.

December 16, 2014: Calling ED Out Pt. 1

I mentioned several posts ago that I started reading "Life Without ED: How One Woman Delclared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too," By Jenni Schaefer with Thom Rutledge.

I'm reading this book a little at a time. Sometimes if I try to take too much information in it become overwhelming. Besides, I like to mull over what I've read thoroughly digesting it before continuing. What I've read so far has the potential of being very helpful. I admit that I was a bit hesitant to becoming completely engrossed in the book for one reason and one reason only. Jenni's ED is Anorexia. My initial feeling was of disappointment. Here I am reading another book about Anorexia. What does that have to do with me? Reading a bit more I found invaluable insight and methodology that can help most any eating disorder.

We all have relationships with our disorder even if we don't see it that way. I appreciate how Jenni separates herself from her eating disorder, giving it it's own identity and functioning in her life. This makes sense. In a previous post I stated that my eating disorder had taken on a life of it's own. Reading Life Without Ed shows me that my thoughts are right on track. EDs are very much an identifiable entity in my life.

One of the more interesting parts of what I've read so far is how Jenni talks about Ed as if it were a real person, as if being in a bad marriage and wanting a divorce. How appropriate. I stopped just after this point because I wanted to allow this concept to really sink in.

I lieu of the recent onset of binging I have turned my attention to calling out Ed. I want Ed to step out of the shadows and so I can fully identify him, seeing him in his ugly truth. I may not experience Ed in the way others experience him. For Jenni, Ed told her she was fat and thin is so much better. My Ed tells me that it's okay to be fat. He tells me to eat, drink and be merry, accept I'm not merry. I've eaten myself into misery. My Ed tells me to sooth myself with more food and it will be alright. Food will never hurt me...yeah right.

I figure, if I can call Ed out I can begin working on a healthier internal dialog, one that counters what he tells me. I've managed to do some of this already only this time it will be different...I hope.

Something has to give. I've been sinking into a huge hole of despair. I'm so tired, too tired to claw my way out. But if I stop trying, the inevitable will happen and I don't want that to happen.

I continue fighting for my life. There will be many ups and downs along the way. Just know that I have not completely given out nor am I giving up. I'm just going through...

Progress/Setbacks

My daytime food intake has been very good. I am more creative with breakfasts, especially on the weekends. On Sunday for breakfast I had French toast, smoked turkey sausage and a scrambled egg and a cup of hot tea. I enjoyed every bit of it and was able to manage a snack later that afternoon and a delicious dinner that night consisting of rice, veggies and stewed chicken.

I've recently tried incorporating some of my favorite taste combinations like hotdogs and applesauce, but I'm not strong enough to have a childhood favorites yet. I've discovered that having favored taste combinations can trigger binging because that taste combination was fueled by a need for comfort, so that is something I will need to avoid for now.

Nighttime eating is getting a little better. I don't have a desire to binge every night as I have in recent past. I've managed to get through some nights with or without a snack and other nights, well, I binge, but I try very hard to find mental comfort so I can stop the feed. It helps at times. 

December 8, 2014

Affirmation after affirmation and I'm still trying to feel better. Some days I feel so strong, but today I do not.

How am I supposed to look in the mirror and see beauty when I look in the faces of others and see disgust? Do I really see the disgust of others or am I seeing a reflection of my own.

Sometimes it's more than stress that sends me spiraling into binging. Sometimes it's the need to forget or escape things...a night of self-medicating. 

I tell myself that food will never hurt me, but it does and I let it. I'm just as accepting of the pain binging bring as I've been of abusive behaviors toward me. I take it all in thinking that taking it makes me stronger. I'm not getting stronger, I'm just becoming more numb.

For the past few nights I have giving into binging. I can't even say what is the reason. I couldn't stop...no matter what I tried. To be completely honest I didn't really try. I simply complied to it's wishes. I ate without measure and did not care. I slept with ease then woke to nausea. Typical scenario, only this time I didn't let it stop me from eating as I should. I hold up well in the light of day, but by night the urges return and I binge again. I've been cycling for the past 3 nights. Even if at that time I wanted to stop I knew I'd lose this fight.

Dear God, please help me get through tonight without binging. I feel the cravings so strong. I need the strength to fight the inner voice that constantly points out the wrongs.

It's 2:14am and I'm no where near sleep. Will I be more productive or will I just eat?

Perhaps another cup of tea or something to read to dull the negativity and the need...