Sharing Thoughts

How are you doing? I hope life is going well for you. Even more, I hope your healing is going well. Everything is good for me right now. I’m feeling much better about my circumstances. That’s not to say that there aren’t any problems. I’m simply making an effort to see things differently. Perhaps that is my greatest issue. I’ve not been able to consistently see things differently or let go of my past. I keep dragging it around with me comparing all of life’s little blips to the mishaps and traumas of unfortunate parenting which set the tone for my life. I was worthless in the eyes of my parents, but that was then. They are gone and can no longer hurt me. So why is it that I still feel like the wounded child? In part, it is because there is a part of me that is still wounded. It is that part of me that I must address because healing in that area will change much of my outlook in other areas.

How do the wounded help the wounded? They don’t. They can’t. Them that are actively licking their wounds cannot help the wounded. Why? When a wound hurts it takes almost if not all of our attention to deal with it. Even when trying to ignore wounds they command our attention.  If it weren’t true than there would be no overuse or addiction to drugs, alcohol, sex or any other kind of vice utilized to sooth and self-medicate the pain away. Some wounds command so much attention that it literally takes every waking moment to drown them out. A wounded person who is well into the recovery process can offer much help and words of wisdom. Sharing your story helps others as well as grounds you and keeps you focused on your own goals. Keep in mind not to get overly caught up in the wounds of another. It’s all too easy to become fixated on the problems of others and lose all control of our own issues.

Being a person of faith, I am taught to keep my mind on the Lord, be prayerful and turn my problems over to Him. Well, I haven’t been good about doing that lately and that explains why my problems seem larger than life. I am a prayerful person, but prayer alone does not work. Please don’t be shocked or confused by what I am saying. I believe in the power of prayer, however, if I am praying for help and do not fully trust that God is able and will help, than I’m really praying in vain. I’m still holding onto problems instead of letting them go and trusting God. When that happens, the weight of my world multiplies and it literally takes me off my feet.

On the other hand when I pray diligently and turn my problems over to God, trusting that God will take care of them and me. It changes the way I pray about problems. Instead of saying please help me with a specific problem, I might chose to say, thank you for taking on all of my problems and please fortify me that I may withstand whatever comes my way today. In asking for fortification I am seeking help and protection while acknowledging the problems I have are too great for me to handle by myself. In other words, it doesn’t benefit me to say I am turning over my problems while spinning the wheels of my mind searching for solutions.

Praying and turning my problems over to God does not mean that I am forgetting, neglecting or ignoring them. It simply means that I am trusting God to take care of my problems as I go about my day focusing more on what I can accomplish in the day as opposed to focusing on my problems. I am patiently trusting God while going about my days, always being mindful and prayerful about all things. Does that make sense?

When I was going through so much a few months ago I did not realize that I was holding on to my problems. I remember talking to God one evening and telling him that my pain was so great that I could not feel Him or hear Him. It was like God turned away from me. In fact, it was I who turned away from Him. I turned my focus towards my problems, not God. I trembled day and night…even in my sleep. I’d wake up holding myself and rocking. Anxiety was through the roof and hope was fading fast. My faith was being tested and I fear that I failed miserably.

Life continues to be plagued with little things gone wrong. Some days all the little things add up to be big things. I try not to let it get me down. Most important, I am learning not to operate out of emotions from the past, but to recognize that I am not that wounded child. Only a small part of me is wounded and I will address that part as needed. Unpleasant experiences of my past do not dictate the unpleasant experiences of today. I am learning to deal with problems better, not internalize them or categorize them into a convenient pre-packaged stock emotion from my childhood.