At Storms End

In life we all will experience storms. Some storms pass through quickly and others linger for what seems like an eternity. No matter the size or duration, all storms leave their mark.

As you know, I have been experiencing many storms. This past storm lasted 6 months and is now coming to its end. The storms I speak of are the storms of life which can be financial, relationships, physical health, mental health or spiritual health...whatever. For me it could be either or a combination of all. It just depends...

With each storm there is the potential to fall back into the hard to break habit of binging and starving. Even though I have fallen several times, I have not stayed in the cycle long. This is a great improvement. During the last leg of my most recent storm I have been able to maintain a healthier eating style. Every morning like clock work, I rise out of bed, give my son his meds, say my prayers and cook breakfast.

Remember when it was difficult for me to deal with breakfast? How I used to start each day with a pack of cheese crackers? It may have taken a few months and a couple back steps, but I seldom give into the urge to starve myself. As far as binging...well, as with anything, it is a work in progress. Every part of me is a work in progress and progress is what I am seeing.

I know I say this often, but it reins true for anyone who struggles with ED or addiction of any kind.
There are days when I feel stronger and there are days when I feel that failure is my only companion. Today I feel strong. I don't know what tomorrow will bring and I'm not going to worry about it. I'm only focusing on what I can handle in this moment while giving thanks for the strides I've made and the resources for healing that I've gained.

No matter how bad things may seem from one moment to the next...keep up the good fight...
 

DON'T GIVE UP! 

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year to all of you! Thank you so much for allowing me into your lives and being a part of my journey.

My wish for you is that you have a blessed and prosperous future, not only monetarily prosperous, but spiritually prosperous. I  hope that you are able to take more steps towards healing and happiness and know that you are worth it. I want you to know that you are wonderful, beautiful, passionate and thoughtful. You were created for wonderful things, not the things that hurt your or plague you. You are capable of loving others as well as yourself and you are worthy of receiving the good things of life.

Happy New Year to you, my friends! You are always in my thoughts and prayers. :-)

Addition of Book Lists

Greetings everyone, I've just added a couple book lists to my blog page. There are two categories so far, Books about Eating Disorders and Books about Abuse and Healing. These are just a few of the books I've read or are reading and I hope to add more along the way. Would you be interested in a list of video/documentaries about the subjects as well? Please let me know.

I invite you to add your favorite books to the list. You may list them in the comment section of this post. I'd love to know what you've read and your opinion if care to share. I will talk about different books from the list periodically. Perhaps we could have a little book review post together.

December 16, 2014: Calling ED Out Pt. 1

I mentioned several posts ago that I started reading "Life Without ED: How One Woman Delclared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too," By Jenni Schaefer with Thom Rutledge.

I'm reading this book a little at a time. Sometimes if I try to take too much information in it become overwhelming. Besides, I like to mull over what I've read thoroughly digesting it before continuing. What I've read so far has the potential of being very helpful. I admit that I was a bit hesitant to becoming completely engrossed in the book for one reason and one reason only. Jenni's ED is Anorexia. My initial feeling was of disappointment. Here I am reading another book about Anorexia. What does that have to do with me? Reading a bit more I found invaluable insight and methodology that can help most any eating disorder.

We all have relationships with our disorder even if we don't see it that way. I appreciate how Jenni separates herself from her eating disorder, giving it it's own identity and functioning in her life. This makes sense. In a previous post I stated that my eating disorder had taken on a life of it's own. Reading Life Without Ed shows me that my thoughts are right on track. EDs are very much an identifiable entity in my life.

One of the more interesting parts of what I've read so far is how Jenni talks about Ed as if it were a real person, as if being in a bad marriage and wanting a divorce. How appropriate. I stopped just after this point because I wanted to allow this concept to really sink in.

I lieu of the recent onset of binging I have turned my attention to calling out Ed. I want Ed to step out of the shadows and so I can fully identify him, seeing him in his ugly truth. I may not experience Ed in the way others experience him. For Jenni, Ed told her she was fat and thin is so much better. My Ed tells me that it's okay to be fat. He tells me to eat, drink and be merry, accept I'm not merry. I've eaten myself into misery. My Ed tells me to sooth myself with more food and it will be alright. Food will never hurt me...yeah right.

I figure, if I can call Ed out I can begin working on a healthier internal dialog, one that counters what he tells me. I've managed to do some of this already only this time it will be different...I hope.

Something has to give. I've been sinking into a huge hole of despair. I'm so tired, too tired to claw my way out. But if I stop trying, the inevitable will happen and I don't want that to happen.

I continue fighting for my life. There will be many ups and downs along the way. Just know that I have not completely given out nor am I giving up. I'm just going through...

Progress/Setbacks

My daytime food intake has been very good. I am more creative with breakfasts, especially on the weekends. On Sunday for breakfast I had French toast, smoked turkey sausage and a scrambled egg and a cup of hot tea. I enjoyed every bit of it and was able to manage a snack later that afternoon and a delicious dinner that night consisting of rice, veggies and stewed chicken.

I've recently tried incorporating some of my favorite taste combinations like hotdogs and applesauce, but I'm not strong enough to have a childhood favorites yet. I've discovered that having favored taste combinations can trigger binging because that taste combination was fueled by a need for comfort, so that is something I will need to avoid for now.

Nighttime eating is getting a little better. I don't have a desire to binge every night as I have in recent past. I've managed to get through some nights with or without a snack and other nights, well, I binge, but I try very hard to find mental comfort so I can stop the feed. It helps at times. 

December 8, 2014

Affirmation after affirmation and I'm still trying to feel better. Some days I feel so strong, but today I do not.

How am I supposed to look in the mirror and see beauty when I look in the faces of others and see disgust? Do I really see the disgust of others or am I seeing a reflection of my own.

Sometimes it's more than stress that sends me spiraling into binging. Sometimes it's the need to forget or escape things...a night of self-medicating. 

I tell myself that food will never hurt me, but it does and I let it. I'm just as accepting of the pain binging bring as I've been of abusive behaviors toward me. I take it all in thinking that taking it makes me stronger. I'm not getting stronger, I'm just becoming more numb.

For the past few nights I have giving into binging. I can't even say what is the reason. I couldn't stop...no matter what I tried. To be completely honest I didn't really try. I simply complied to it's wishes. I ate without measure and did not care. I slept with ease then woke to nausea. Typical scenario, only this time I didn't let it stop me from eating as I should. I hold up well in the light of day, but by night the urges return and I binge again. I've been cycling for the past 3 nights. Even if at that time I wanted to stop I knew I'd lose this fight.

Dear God, please help me get through tonight without binging. I feel the cravings so strong. I need the strength to fight the inner voice that constantly points out the wrongs.

It's 2:14am and I'm no where near sleep. Will I be more productive or will I just eat?

Perhaps another cup of tea or something to read to dull the negativity and the need...

To My Brothers: Body Image and ED

WARNING: Some of the stories and images may cause triggers.

I want to dedicate this post to the males out there who struggle with eating disorders and negative perceptions of self image. It's not often that the male struggle with self image is mentioned. I invite you, my brothers, who struggle with body image and eating disorders to share your stories or copy and paste links to your videos and blogs in the comments section of this post.

I saw a couple videos today about the search for beauty (male version) and two young males struggle with eating disorders. I was shocked. I did not realize the quest for the perfect body image was so prevalent in males. What I find most disturbing is how society down plays your struggle. Your pain and suffering is just as important as ours. So why doesn't anyone do more to get the information out there? Society's focus is on the perception of beauty from the woman's point of view. There's little room for discussion about the struggles males have with their own body image. I'm sorry that I too have been guilty of not recognizing your struggle.

More and more young males are suffering from eating disorders and body image issues everyday and starting and younger ages as well.

Do Men and Boys Develope Eating Disorders?

The young lady in the previous video doesn't think that males develop eating disorders because they look muscular in the magazines. She doesn't think they will starve themselves, but rather buff themselves up. Well, here's an example of how some males look so muscular in magazines.

One 13-year-old Boy's Struggle With an Eating Disorder

Male Anorexia Story

I'm so proud of the young men and women who have and are coming forward with their struggles with eating disorders and body image issues. Thank you for sharing. I pray that one day ED will be a thing in the very distant past for all of us.

Post Thanksgiving: How Are You Doing?

Hey everyone. I wanted to touch base with you as we are in the full swing of the holiday season. How are you doing? Do you experience any particular difficulties this time of year? I for one tend to have some measure of depression linked to past holiday practices and urges to night binge. What helps me the most is realizing that I don't have to give into unfortunate or uncomfortable holiday traditions anymore.

There may be some of you who look forward to this time of year as a chance to step away from the mundane and delve into the wonderment of holiday folly and fare. I find a since of joy knowing that there are some who genuinely enjoy this time of year. Then there are those who hide their pain behind the perfectly basted turkey with all the trimmings, possession of super human stamina for the world's biggest shopping day and a meticulously mapped out plan on entombing their homes in miles and miles of twinkling lights. Nothing kills the holiday spirit like a sea of plastic smiles, empty compliments, idol chit chat and muffled sighs.

Are you one who is prone to continuing with traditions that may possibly trigger you just for the sake of looking normal? I used to. I would always give the excuse that I was on a diet so I could get away with eating very little during dinner. Later I'd be given all sorts of neatly packaged goodies in foil covered plates. Little did they know at least 90% of the food would be consumed later that night.

Binging during the holidays was the norm...the biggest binge session of the year. I'd be drunk with anticipation (chuckle), lost in planning the order in which I would eat my newly acquired morsels. End of the year holidays are the one time of year that you can have enormous amounts of food without question.  

Since beginning my quest for wellness I've stopped indulging in massive holiday binges. No more cooking and hording massive amounts of food. I keep things much more simple now. If there are plans to have company I make sure to cook an appropriate amount of food allowing enough to send home with friends and have some left for meals the next day. If we decide not to have company I'll prepare a few of our favorites, enough for two days. I don't bake a lot of deserts. Usually we have a friend make something like a pie or cobbler and I supply the ice cream. For me, deserts are hard to resist, so it's most beneficial to have access to as few sweets as possible.

I don't really care what people think of my changes. It's a matter of knowing my triggers and self preservation.

This year we were planning to have company even thought I didn't feel up to it. The day before Thanksgiving I made a call and opted out of the gathering. I was pleased to know that my intended guests were also not in the mood for holiday cheer. Relief. I prepared a couple Cornish hens, sweet potatoes, greens, and a little mac-n-cheese. That's it! Oh, and fruit for dessert if desired. It was a wonderful meal. Yes I had a late night snack, but did not binge. The next I took the remaining Cornish hen and made gravy and served the left over sides. My good friend also sent over some of the turkey she baked along with a small amount of baked mac-n-cheese.  The leftovers were wonderful. I reframed from preparing more food because I was able to see what we had as enough.

Today there is a small amount of gravy and a few morsels of Cornish hen left. I'm thinking about making a little brown rice and a small pot of green beans and that will be dinner. I feel good about not binging, especially since I've had several binges recently. I'm proud of myself.

Holidays and get-togethers are hard when combating eating disorders. Just take it one step at the time...I day at the time. It's okay if you need to hang out in smaller groups or with just one friend to avoid larger crowds and facing enormous amounts of food. Try not to stay to yourself during these hard times. Now is when support really comes in handy. It will benefit you greatly to spend time with someone who understands what you are going through. You'll need to be able to talk out your feelings with someone, cry, scream, whatever it takes to get the emotion out so you don't take it out on your body.

Huge hugs to all my sisters and brothers who are recovered, recovering or struggling with ED. My heart goes out to you as I keep you in my prayers.

I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I have hope that you know that you are not alone and that we can be here for each other. Take care, my friends. I'll check in again soon.