Sunday, April 27, 2014
Behavior and Emotional Patterns - April 27, 2014
I can't get yesterday's post out of my head. I keep thinking about all of the negative encounters I've had over the years, encounters that never really registered with me in my conscious mind. My conscious mind was always hyper focused on my parents and male members of my family. They too were a threat. There was always the threat if being exposed to illicit behavior. I don't know what it is like for boys, the way things are I would image it's equally as bad for boys as it is for girls. There is little safety from predators whether they are known or not.
There are so many negatives around us that we see as normal, but they are not or at least they should not be the norm. There was a post on face book a few weeks ago. It was a picture of a beautiful woman and a caption. The caption talked about how girls are almost never exposed to women having a positive self-image. No truer words have been said. When I think about the adult women in my childhood, there was never talk of being happy with any part of their body. Something was always wrong. If those women had access and resources to fix everything that they thought wrong with them, they would have ended up being completely different women. Their negative self-image was also reflected on me and my weight gain. Never mind, what the root cause of my weight gain was...lets point out everything that is wrong with this little girl. How many times have I heard, "You have such a pretty face, if only you could lose weight."
Negativity can come from any and all sources. I have had friendships where we did nothing other than smoke cigarettes, drink pepsi and talk about all the terrible things that happened in our lives. We did this daily. There are countless aunts and cousins that took great pride in telling me what all they thought was wrong with me and my personal style. Then there's my cousin, who was my best friend. I talked about her in yesterday's post. Why am I bringing this up? Because we...and I'm really preaching to myself right now...need to be aware of the negativity that we absorb or have absorbed on a daily basis. Being aware of this will help to identify many roots to our own behaviors and thought patterns.
There is something to be said about being raised in an environment where one feels wanted, loved, safe and nurtured. I personally don't know what it's like to be raised in this sort of environment, but my son does. When I look at him I see so many similarities and yet so many differences. Our similarities are linked by general behaviors and some character traits. Our differences are more noticeable; when my child simply moving about the house, I see that he has a sense of belonging, even a since of ownership in his movements. I did not have this level of comfort in my childhood home. The home belonged to my parents. I was a dweller, not an owner of anything. My son moves through the house with such certainty. He feels comfortable in his own skin and participates in life without judgment. He knows there are consequences for wrong behaviors, but it's not the end of the world. We will talk and if necessary a restriction may be applied. Despite a punishment being in place he knows that he is loved and he continues to move through life fearlessly. I still weep when I think about it. Why couldn’t I have had a life like that? I don't know if these are things one would typically notice, but do try noticing your child's natural behaviors. Think about your own natural behaviors when you were their age. Are there similarities? Take note of the differences and similarities in your life structure and the life structure of your children. Life structures create patterns. Patterns can sometimes repeat themselves and patterns can be broken.
With young children, patterns are evident. Nothing is hidden even if we think it is. Patterns are part of our natural behavior. Teens are different. It's best to capture their patterns when they are unaware of you watching. Teens tend to be extremely self-conscious and shy. I get that. It's an awkward stage and sometimes they don't want to be noticed. That's typical. My son hates when I video record him doing tasks. It's unfortunate. I'm so proud of his accomplishments and want to share them with the world. Perhaps he will become a little less self -conscious with age.
The reason I am bringing up the subject of patterns is because our patterns play a huge roll in how we learn to see ourselves and how we relate to ourselves and others. We must know the structure of our problems in order to break the structure down and dissolve or resolve it. Emotional patterns can heavily influence our relationship with people, food, alcohol, sex or anything used to self sooth or self-medicate. It's all connected. Finding our way to a healthier view on life and lifestyle is like playing connect the dots. There is a starting point and a pattern develops. It's often not recognized until things come full circle and the picture is revealed.
If we examine our earliest memories conscious and otherwise, we begin to see how our patters develop. In other words, if we are surrounded by negativity, unfortunate occurrences, abuse and the like or surrounded by all things positive, our behavioral and thought patterns will reveal whatever it is we've been exposed to. It's not possible to hide a negative past forever, even if we work diligently to do so. The patterns are too deeply embedded and they will rear their ugly heads in one form or another. My past loaned itself to a lifetime of negative self-images and hurtful behaviors. I'd become an expert at hurting myself and being in complete denial about it. This pattern is identical to the behaviors my parents had. They hurt me and each other and remained in complete denial about it. See what I mean? We do not own our negative behaviors we've learned and borrowed them from past experiences.
One thing that has helped me tremendously is to recognize where the blame lies.
I am not to blame for the things that my parents chose to do and say to me.
I know it's hard for some of us to believe that we are not to blame. It's hard when we’re constantly being told that we are to blame. I've been told on many occasions that the bad things happening in my family were my fault. I mean, my goodness, if a pet died, it was my fault. My parents blamed me for everything. If my mom got sick it was my fault. If I almost pass out from an Asthma attack it was my fault. If something was stolen from me it was my fault and so on. Even if I was wrongfully beaten it was still my fault because I would have more than likely done something to earn that beating later on. Do you see how damaging that can be? I am thankful that I had the ability to see beyond their lies. It saved my life on some levels.
Remember the one who told you it was your fault is most likely the one who hurt you. If another adult said such words to you, it may be because they did not know everything you were going through. Nonetheless, those words are lies. It was not nor has it ever been your fault.
I may talk more about negativity being a disease, how it's like a cancer that spreads and can completely engulf you. Yes, I do think I will revisit this subject. For now, I'm going to get myself some lunch. Breakfast was 11am. I had eggs with cheese and leftover veggies and a cup of water. For lunch I will have hummus and pita bread. Dinner is still undecided.
Saturday, April 26, 2014
I Have a Right to Feel Good - April 26, 2014
I had a very interesting conversation with my cousin today. We're both about the same age. We have our health issues, eating issues and abusive pasts, but we are not equal when it comes to the journey towards wellness.
I was looking at myself in the mirror while talking to my cousin and glanced up to read the words that I taped there several weeks ago...you remember the words...'When I say I love you, I mean that I'm committed to working to love you even when it's hard'. I'm still committed to working to love myself. It has been hard. There are days when I don't even like myself. On those days when it's hard to love myself or even like myself, I accept what I am feeling at the time because it is only temporary and I know it will get better. My dislike for myself is a product of my past...the vision of myself through my parents eyes. It's time I see myself through my own eyes. I did not come into existence disliking myself. I came into life filled with love, a love that was soon taken from me by the hands of those who were supposed to love and protect me.
Back to the conversation with my cousin. As she talked I began thinking about the words I just read and what they mean to me. It hit me, I've really come a long way in a very short period of time. It's amazing how one can change negative thought patters into something more positive. Feeling good about the healing that has taken place and looking forward to receiving more healing, I blurted out, 'I feel good today!' Before I could help myself I also blurted, while smiling really big, 'And I feel kind of cute too!' Before I could inhale, my cousin began her negative stent. She went on and on about how she was not cute and how she wished she could feel cute and so on... I'm telling you...when an epiphany moment comes, it comes real hard. I was constantly surrounded by negativity on all sides, my parents, my cousin who witnessed much of my abuse, extended family, friends and my broken heart. It's no wonder that I fell out of love with myself. It's no wonder that I felt guilty for thinking anything positive about myself.
"I've had enough of hearing your stinking thinking!" That's what I said to her. I actually stood up for myself. I told her that I had the right to feel good about myself without being dragged into her pity party. It's not fair. She's never celebrated any of the few times that I've felt good about myself. As a matter of fact of those rare occasion I can only remember seeing her tears as if I were not allowed to be pretty...sound familiar? My dad did not allow people to tell me I was pretty. Interesting...Wow! That was a first for me. As I said...I've come a long way in a very short period of time. I never thought that I would feel the way I feel today. I REFUSED to feel guilty for feeling good about myself and I said it out loud for the first time in my life.
It never dawned on me that there were others who contributed to my state beyond my parents. It wasn't just the negativity of my situation. Negativity was the common thread between me and all who were closest to me. We fed off of each other.
Next time you look into a mirror or maybe before you look into a mirror try to remember what your state of mind was like before the damage settled in...if you can. Remember, were not born to hate ourselves or anyone...hate, dysfunction, discord, misery, all of that is learned behavior and borrowed emotions. Give that crap back!! Press reset and start a new.
I was looking at myself in the mirror while talking to my cousin and glanced up to read the words that I taped there several weeks ago...you remember the words...'When I say I love you, I mean that I'm committed to working to love you even when it's hard'. I'm still committed to working to love myself. It has been hard. There are days when I don't even like myself. On those days when it's hard to love myself or even like myself, I accept what I am feeling at the time because it is only temporary and I know it will get better. My dislike for myself is a product of my past...the vision of myself through my parents eyes. It's time I see myself through my own eyes. I did not come into existence disliking myself. I came into life filled with love, a love that was soon taken from me by the hands of those who were supposed to love and protect me.
Back to the conversation with my cousin. As she talked I began thinking about the words I just read and what they mean to me. It hit me, I've really come a long way in a very short period of time. It's amazing how one can change negative thought patters into something more positive. Feeling good about the healing that has taken place and looking forward to receiving more healing, I blurted out, 'I feel good today!' Before I could help myself I also blurted, while smiling really big, 'And I feel kind of cute too!' Before I could inhale, my cousin began her negative stent. She went on and on about how she was not cute and how she wished she could feel cute and so on... I'm telling you...when an epiphany moment comes, it comes real hard. I was constantly surrounded by negativity on all sides, my parents, my cousin who witnessed much of my abuse, extended family, friends and my broken heart. It's no wonder that I fell out of love with myself. It's no wonder that I felt guilty for thinking anything positive about myself.
"I've had enough of hearing your stinking thinking!" That's what I said to her. I actually stood up for myself. I told her that I had the right to feel good about myself without being dragged into her pity party. It's not fair. She's never celebrated any of the few times that I've felt good about myself. As a matter of fact of those rare occasion I can only remember seeing her tears as if I were not allowed to be pretty...sound familiar? My dad did not allow people to tell me I was pretty. Interesting...Wow! That was a first for me. As I said...I've come a long way in a very short period of time. I never thought that I would feel the way I feel today. I REFUSED to feel guilty for feeling good about myself and I said it out loud for the first time in my life.
It never dawned on me that there were others who contributed to my state beyond my parents. It wasn't just the negativity of my situation. Negativity was the common thread between me and all who were closest to me. We fed off of each other.
Next time you look into a mirror or maybe before you look into a mirror try to remember what your state of mind was like before the damage settled in...if you can. Remember, were not born to hate ourselves or anyone...hate, dysfunction, discord, misery, all of that is learned behavior and borrowed emotions. Give that crap back!! Press reset and start a new.
Friday, April 25, 2014
Back From Break - April 25, 2014
It's good to be back! I have just had the most wonderful, peaceful, restful break. I hope everyone had a lovely holiday weekend and Spring Break.
I cooked most of the time while we were on break, but I will report that we did get take out 3 times. It was good and so was I. I did not order extra foods for binging. I tried to order foods that were healthy...a whole meal if you will. I purposely avoided sandwiches for myself because that would only be a tease and could trigger a binge. There was one night when I had two handfuls of vanilla wafers. That night was my only weak moment...pretty good, eh. I wouldn't really call that a binge because it had been several hours since we ate dinner. We ate around 5:30 or so. I had not eaten anything else until the cookies. I count that as being pretty good.
Breakfasts are much easier to deal with. Now, I will say this...there were no stresses over the break period. We started to have company, but I found it to be a little too stressful having to get ready for guests. Besides, having company does not equate to taking a break, especially when breaks rarely occur. No company this go 'round. Not having stresses made it much easier to stay on task. The scheduled eating time is really working for me. My mind is much more receptive to accepting time as opposed to sensation. There are not excuses when it comes to scheduling times to eat.
It feels good to write again. I'm so glad to be sitting here writing in my blog again. There were moments when I was tempted to write, only because I miss talking to you guys, but I made myself stay true to myself and adhered to my own wishes for having this break. I needed a break from everything.
It won't be long before having my therapy session. I plan on talking more in depth about the letter to myself. As I stated before, an emotion came up from a pivotal point in my life that I need to take time to address. I usually like to process things of this nature, having all my pros and cons in place before discussing it with my therapist. When I do that, I feel like I'm giving her a complete thought as opposed to something random. We only have an hour and I like to make good use of the time.
My plan is to resume writing my letter or at least asking more questions and answering them without thought to see what comes up. That's pretty much how things happened the last time. I posed my question and an emotion poured out without thought, which was startling, but a revelation too. The emotion that emerged gave me reason as to why I made the decision I made and why I've been carrying a looming feeling of nothingness. I hope more emotions emerge this weekend. I ready this time... And if it doesn't happen, that's okay too. I'll just keep writing.
I'm also glad to report that I have not had crackers as a meal for some time now. This was not a decision of mine, it sort of came out of necessity when I found that my son had eaten the rest of my crackers one night. I freaked at first...wondering what to do. My initial thought was that I would have great difficulty eating anything other than my crackers. Lo and behold, the crackers may have been a bit of a crutch. Once again, appeasing my mind which made me believe that I could not tolerate eating anything other than crackers first thing in the day. That theory has been proven wrong. I can eat other foods, just small portions. So I am still eating eggs for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and then dinner. I usually don't have an evening snack nor do I eat a late night snack every night.
It's time to take a serious look at exercising. I'm really going to need it now for two reasons. I am eating at my optimum and want to increase my metabolism, especially since I'm giving my body enough fuel to do so. Exercising regularly will also help me deal with stress better. I'm thinking that I will need to do some stretches and deep breathing exercises at first. This should help me cope with the emotions that I'll have to face while writing my letter. I am at a critical point. My eating seems to be on track and steady. I am feeling hunger in the morning and my body is getting used to having the calories. At this time it is key to find and maintain ways to deal with stress. Stress in the number one cause for my downfalls; after stress comes the depression and finally guilt. By then my eating is off track and I have to start from square one again. I don't want that to happen. Everything has been really good so far. One tiny step at a time...One day at a time.
It won't be long before I've reached 30 days of eating well. Should I count the cookie thing as a mini binge? Maybe for argument's sake I'll hold off on claiming 30 days without binging. I want it to be solid. I'm satisfied with the way things are now and look forward to many more good days and nights.
I cooked most of the time while we were on break, but I will report that we did get take out 3 times. It was good and so was I. I did not order extra foods for binging. I tried to order foods that were healthy...a whole meal if you will. I purposely avoided sandwiches for myself because that would only be a tease and could trigger a binge. There was one night when I had two handfuls of vanilla wafers. That night was my only weak moment...pretty good, eh. I wouldn't really call that a binge because it had been several hours since we ate dinner. We ate around 5:30 or so. I had not eaten anything else until the cookies. I count that as being pretty good.
Breakfasts are much easier to deal with. Now, I will say this...there were no stresses over the break period. We started to have company, but I found it to be a little too stressful having to get ready for guests. Besides, having company does not equate to taking a break, especially when breaks rarely occur. No company this go 'round. Not having stresses made it much easier to stay on task. The scheduled eating time is really working for me. My mind is much more receptive to accepting time as opposed to sensation. There are not excuses when it comes to scheduling times to eat.
It feels good to write again. I'm so glad to be sitting here writing in my blog again. There were moments when I was tempted to write, only because I miss talking to you guys, but I made myself stay true to myself and adhered to my own wishes for having this break. I needed a break from everything.
It won't be long before having my therapy session. I plan on talking more in depth about the letter to myself. As I stated before, an emotion came up from a pivotal point in my life that I need to take time to address. I usually like to process things of this nature, having all my pros and cons in place before discussing it with my therapist. When I do that, I feel like I'm giving her a complete thought as opposed to something random. We only have an hour and I like to make good use of the time.
My plan is to resume writing my letter or at least asking more questions and answering them without thought to see what comes up. That's pretty much how things happened the last time. I posed my question and an emotion poured out without thought, which was startling, but a revelation too. The emotion that emerged gave me reason as to why I made the decision I made and why I've been carrying a looming feeling of nothingness. I hope more emotions emerge this weekend. I ready this time... And if it doesn't happen, that's okay too. I'll just keep writing.
I'm also glad to report that I have not had crackers as a meal for some time now. This was not a decision of mine, it sort of came out of necessity when I found that my son had eaten the rest of my crackers one night. I freaked at first...wondering what to do. My initial thought was that I would have great difficulty eating anything other than my crackers. Lo and behold, the crackers may have been a bit of a crutch. Once again, appeasing my mind which made me believe that I could not tolerate eating anything other than crackers first thing in the day. That theory has been proven wrong. I can eat other foods, just small portions. So I am still eating eggs for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and then dinner. I usually don't have an evening snack nor do I eat a late night snack every night.
It's time to take a serious look at exercising. I'm really going to need it now for two reasons. I am eating at my optimum and want to increase my metabolism, especially since I'm giving my body enough fuel to do so. Exercising regularly will also help me deal with stress better. I'm thinking that I will need to do some stretches and deep breathing exercises at first. This should help me cope with the emotions that I'll have to face while writing my letter. I am at a critical point. My eating seems to be on track and steady. I am feeling hunger in the morning and my body is getting used to having the calories. At this time it is key to find and maintain ways to deal with stress. Stress in the number one cause for my downfalls; after stress comes the depression and finally guilt. By then my eating is off track and I have to start from square one again. I don't want that to happen. Everything has been really good so far. One tiny step at a time...One day at a time.
It won't be long before I've reached 30 days of eating well. Should I count the cookie thing as a mini binge? Maybe for argument's sake I'll hold off on claiming 30 days without binging. I want it to be solid. I'm satisfied with the way things are now and look forward to many more good days and nights.
Friday, April 18, 2014
April 18, 2014
It's Friday everyone! I'm so glad we made it to the weeks end. I've had a pretty good week and I hope the same for you.
Last time I posted, I shared concerns about my having strong cravings for sweets, late night. All has gone well with that. It seems once I recognized that I had a sweet option (pears in extra light syrup) everything was okay. Like a sedative, my mind instantly calmed and I did not have strong cravings that night or last night and I still have my pears. I guess that's what you call mind over matter.
As a whole, I think that I'm doing fairly well. I'm having some stressful issues, but not so bad that I'm messing up on day time eating.
Do holidays trigger you to eat differently? Fortunately for me, I don't engage in traditional holiday practice, so holidays rarely influence my eating. I just know not to allow free access to foods that may trigger binging.
For the last couple of days I've had eggs and cheese for breakfast, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch and for dinner, some form of chicken with brown rice or wheat pasta and veggies.
This weekend I'll be working more on my vision of self. I heard a saying from someone, can't remember who. They say if you can envision yourself smaller than you will get smaller. I doubt there's any merit to that. If there were, there would me more thin people in the world. Oh how I wish I cold think myself thin. Anyway, I'm wanting to try exercise again, so I will, but I won't make any promises to myself...not just yet.
I would really like your input on something. In many of my posts, I have noted what foods I've eaten for that day. I'm not sure if this is a good thing for you to read or not. On other sites, I notice that they ask people to be sensitive about what they post, especially numbers like weight and calories. I wont be posting any weights and I don't measure my food. That is a big no..no for me. Measuring and weighing foods will send me careening back into starvation mode. Anything resembling a diet is no good for me. My question to you is...does it bother you when I share what I've eaten that day or do you find it helpful to know or does it matter at all? Just wondering...
I'm not planning on posting this weekend.
Happy Easter! I hope you all have a safe and pleasant holiday weekend.
Last time I posted, I shared concerns about my having strong cravings for sweets, late night. All has gone well with that. It seems once I recognized that I had a sweet option (pears in extra light syrup) everything was okay. Like a sedative, my mind instantly calmed and I did not have strong cravings that night or last night and I still have my pears. I guess that's what you call mind over matter.
As a whole, I think that I'm doing fairly well. I'm having some stressful issues, but not so bad that I'm messing up on day time eating.
Do holidays trigger you to eat differently? Fortunately for me, I don't engage in traditional holiday practice, so holidays rarely influence my eating. I just know not to allow free access to foods that may trigger binging.
For the last couple of days I've had eggs and cheese for breakfast, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch and for dinner, some form of chicken with brown rice or wheat pasta and veggies.
This weekend I'll be working more on my vision of self. I heard a saying from someone, can't remember who. They say if you can envision yourself smaller than you will get smaller. I doubt there's any merit to that. If there were, there would me more thin people in the world. Oh how I wish I cold think myself thin. Anyway, I'm wanting to try exercise again, so I will, but I won't make any promises to myself...not just yet.
I would really like your input on something. In many of my posts, I have noted what foods I've eaten for that day. I'm not sure if this is a good thing for you to read or not. On other sites, I notice that they ask people to be sensitive about what they post, especially numbers like weight and calories. I wont be posting any weights and I don't measure my food. That is a big no..no for me. Measuring and weighing foods will send me careening back into starvation mode. Anything resembling a diet is no good for me. My question to you is...does it bother you when I share what I've eaten that day or do you find it helpful to know or does it matter at all? Just wondering...
I'm not planning on posting this weekend.
Happy Easter! I hope you all have a safe and pleasant holiday weekend.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
April 16, 2014
Today is Wednesday. I continue to feel empowered by my decision to create an eating schedule. It is working well for me. I won't say it's perfect, but I'm so much better than I was. I'm eating more regularly during the day, getting in 2 to three good meals a day. I'm eating actual meals and not just packs of crackers. Yes, I'm managing to eat eggs for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and then dinner. Some days I even eaten a small snack early evening. That's quite a feat.
As usual, when I've started to conquer one area another area of weakness wants to appear. I've been having cravings for the past 3 nights. Not too bad the first night, but last night was a doozy. I roamed feverishly around the kitchen in search of something sweet. I couldn't find anything so I ate a small serving of a leftover rice dish. It wasn't what I wanted and my mind continued to roam. I went to my computer to surf Youtube for a while until I felt sleepy enough to go to bed.
I hope tonight will not be as bad as last night. I did manage to find a can of pears in extra light syrup and set them aside in case the urges get strong again. I fear they will be strong tonight. I'm craving right now and it's only 9:22pm. I'll probably spend more time at my computer tonight. Maybe eat the pears then, not right away. I'll surf the web for awhile and if I still feel the urge I'll get the pears. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.
The bouncing back and forth is to be expected, I guess, but I wasn't prepared for this. What can I say, I was too busy enjoying my new strength and feelings of empowerment...and I still am. It's just now the cravings are back and stronger than ever, even to the point of desperation. I'm holding on as best I can. Maybe it's a good thing that we are almost out of snacks...then again, maybe not. I'm supposed to go shopping this weekend. I'll really need strength then.
Onward and upward as I continue to hold on the faith as if my life depends on it...because it does. This is my life, I've got to make this right. Staying strong...
As usual, when I've started to conquer one area another area of weakness wants to appear. I've been having cravings for the past 3 nights. Not too bad the first night, but last night was a doozy. I roamed feverishly around the kitchen in search of something sweet. I couldn't find anything so I ate a small serving of a leftover rice dish. It wasn't what I wanted and my mind continued to roam. I went to my computer to surf Youtube for a while until I felt sleepy enough to go to bed.
I hope tonight will not be as bad as last night. I did manage to find a can of pears in extra light syrup and set them aside in case the urges get strong again. I fear they will be strong tonight. I'm craving right now and it's only 9:22pm. I'll probably spend more time at my computer tonight. Maybe eat the pears then, not right away. I'll surf the web for awhile and if I still feel the urge I'll get the pears. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan.
The bouncing back and forth is to be expected, I guess, but I wasn't prepared for this. What can I say, I was too busy enjoying my new strength and feelings of empowerment...and I still am. It's just now the cravings are back and stronger than ever, even to the point of desperation. I'm holding on as best I can. Maybe it's a good thing that we are almost out of snacks...then again, maybe not. I'm supposed to go shopping this weekend. I'll really need strength then.
Onward and upward as I continue to hold on the faith as if my life depends on it...because it does. This is my life, I've got to make this right. Staying strong...
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Painful Image
I've been trying to write this post
for two days. The subjects of body image and self-image are touchy subjects for
me. I'm not one who likes to think of my image. I'd much rather hide in
the shadows or blend in with the background.
That being said, I'm still not sure
where to begin nor do I know where it will end. I must have started and deleted
this post two or three times and I'm still struggling. I sure do use the word
struggle a lot. Crap! This is complicated. Anyway, here it goes...How does one begin to describe themselves? Which vantage point is better? As they say, there are two sides to a coin. Both sides are different, yet work in unison to create one complete coin. So, what happens when both sides are so different that they don't make a concise unit? In other words, what happens when one's body image does not match one's self-image?
What's the difference between body image and self-image anyway?
BODY IMAGE
A subjective picture of one's own physical appearance established both by self-observation and by noting the reactions of others.
SELF IMAGE
The idea, conception, or mental image one has of oneself.
In my personal opinion, I believe we
all come into existence with a clear idea of who we are and what we are
meant to look like. A prime example of this is a person who
feels they were born the wrong sex. They recognize this at a very early
age. Clearly they have an understanding of who they are, but when they look in
the mirror they don't see themselves. Instead they see someone else. They know
what they see is real, but it's not right.
My situation is different,
but similar. It is not a question of identity by sex. I was born a female
and know that I am supposed to be female, however, there is and always has been
an image in my mind as to who I am and what I should look
like. I have yet to see that image in the mirror. Therefore, I've
never felt that I was fully myself. I'm more of a creation, pieced
together by circumstance which making me a bit of a Frankenstein. I
can't help but think of a small excerpt from one of my poems. It all makes
sense now.
Look at it!
Hideous,
monstrous…grotesque,
A real life Frankenstein.
A real life Frankenstein.
People will run and
scream.
This is how I feel and at times
that was my experience.
The image of me that lives in
my mind is beautiful. I'm tall and voluptuous with long locks and
flawless skin. I have a peaceful expression and a wealth of love that radiates
from me. When I look into a mirror...I see a body ravaged by pain, patchy skin
color, dim eyes, massive girth serving as a wall to keep people away, but also
doubling as an ill fitted band aid. A poor attempt to cover my wounds.
I see a void, a huge nothing. I feel nothing for myself. It is the effects of abuse that molds me and makes my image askew.
I grow angry when I think of what I perceive as should have been, as opposed to what is. I grow even angrier when I think of all that I could have been or at least have tried, but didn't because I had no support nor did I have anything left after warding off my parent's evil. Life is but a mist. I don't know how long life will be for me. I want to make the best of the time I have left. I grow weary thinking of how much time has passed and how much of that time has been wasted on survival. I haven't even begun to really live yet. I’m so very tired...
Enough with my image issues for now. I'm going to focus a little more energy on my letter to self. By the way, it's coming along well. I'm not in a place where I feel comfortable sharing the content of my letter, but I will keep you abreast of the progress and any epiphanies that come of it.
I will share this much with you today. While I was working on the letter yesterday, I began asking myself questions. I asked a particular question and answered it immediately. Only thing, it wasn't my 48 year old self that answered. It was me at the age of 4 year who spoke up. That was totally unexpected and shook me completely. I'd never heard the voice of my 4 year old self before. It wasn't an actual voice, but an internal voice. She wants to be heard...so I'm going to listen and write.
Dear God, please be with me, that I be able to withstand what I am about to endure. I've never had an experience like this before. I know that I've been trying to get inside myself and here I am. I am ready, but I am also afraid.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
April 12, 2014
It’s Saturday afternoon. The weather is perfect, 80 degrees, blue skies
and low humidity. I'm feeling pretty good today. I've been eating well over the
past few days, sticking close to my eating schedule. I didn't eat
breakfast today. Nothing's wrong, I woke up early waiting for the lawn people
to come. While waiting I fell asleep and did not wake up again until after
noon. I'm okay about that.
Lunch was eggs and cheese with a cup of water. Snack time was around 5pm. I ate a can of pears in extra light syrup. Dinner was a little late, right at 8pm. I ate a few pieces of smoked turkey sausage and a serving of steamed potatoes with onions and peas.
Yesterday, I stood in front of the hall mirror and took a good look at myself, a rare occurrence. My clothes looked loose on my body, but I'm still huge. I can't tell where any weight, if any, has been lost. Weight loss is not one of my current goals. Not just yet. I'm still trying to work out eating as I should during the day while keeping a close eye on night time eating behaviors. So far, so good. I could get on the scale, but I'm not quite ready for that. Maybe I should...then again maybe not...
If only it were as easy as just eating right or exercising enough or even having a healthy self-image, but it's not. There are too many layers. With every turn or epiphany there's another layer revealed. It's never ending. Am I frustrated? No, but I am intrigued. I think I'm starting to see why things of this nature can take so long and take so much effort. I never knew healing was so complex. However, on the other hand, I welcome the complexities because I'm learning a lot about myself, my abilities, and my strengths. I'm seeing my own process step-by-step as I write it out in this blog. My ability to reason things out is one of my strengths. It’s my most valuable coping mechanism aside from disassociation.
I'm thinking about doing a post on self-image. Inspiration comes from the video that I posted yesterday. I hope you guys enjoyed. I found it to be profound, a simple concept that changes lives…how ingenious. Believe it or not, I'm also still looking for inspiration as I begin working on my letter to self. One thing did come to mind. If I'm not yet able to communicate with the child self, perhaps I should approach communicating with my adult self, ultimately working my way back in time. That's doable. It will be easier this way, because I am learning to love and appreciate myself in the now so that I can feel love and compassion for myself in the past. Makes sense? Moving forward...
So what did you guys think about yesterday's post? I know it's an advertisement, but beyond that it was an inspired and inspirational concept. Seeing one's self as beautiful is simply a state of mind. Brilliant! If you did not take time to watch the video, please do and share it also. I think more women need to understand that we have to learn, even be inspired to see our own beauty. The beauty is there, even though we can't see it. Seeing our own beauty is not something that comes naturally, because we've more than likely not been around women who've projected healthy self-images. Most of our self-image issues are learned behavior. As you can see from the video, learned behavior can be undone, it's just a matter of how.
It's getting late and I'm going to watch a little tv. Tomorrow I'll continue working on my letter to self and processing my thoughts on self-image.
Lunch was eggs and cheese with a cup of water. Snack time was around 5pm. I ate a can of pears in extra light syrup. Dinner was a little late, right at 8pm. I ate a few pieces of smoked turkey sausage and a serving of steamed potatoes with onions and peas.
Yesterday, I stood in front of the hall mirror and took a good look at myself, a rare occurrence. My clothes looked loose on my body, but I'm still huge. I can't tell where any weight, if any, has been lost. Weight loss is not one of my current goals. Not just yet. I'm still trying to work out eating as I should during the day while keeping a close eye on night time eating behaviors. So far, so good. I could get on the scale, but I'm not quite ready for that. Maybe I should...then again maybe not...
If only it were as easy as just eating right or exercising enough or even having a healthy self-image, but it's not. There are too many layers. With every turn or epiphany there's another layer revealed. It's never ending. Am I frustrated? No, but I am intrigued. I think I'm starting to see why things of this nature can take so long and take so much effort. I never knew healing was so complex. However, on the other hand, I welcome the complexities because I'm learning a lot about myself, my abilities, and my strengths. I'm seeing my own process step-by-step as I write it out in this blog. My ability to reason things out is one of my strengths. It’s my most valuable coping mechanism aside from disassociation.
I'm thinking about doing a post on self-image. Inspiration comes from the video that I posted yesterday. I hope you guys enjoyed. I found it to be profound, a simple concept that changes lives…how ingenious. Believe it or not, I'm also still looking for inspiration as I begin working on my letter to self. One thing did come to mind. If I'm not yet able to communicate with the child self, perhaps I should approach communicating with my adult self, ultimately working my way back in time. That's doable. It will be easier this way, because I am learning to love and appreciate myself in the now so that I can feel love and compassion for myself in the past. Makes sense? Moving forward...
So what did you guys think about yesterday's post? I know it's an advertisement, but beyond that it was an inspired and inspirational concept. Seeing one's self as beautiful is simply a state of mind. Brilliant! If you did not take time to watch the video, please do and share it also. I think more women need to understand that we have to learn, even be inspired to see our own beauty. The beauty is there, even though we can't see it. Seeing our own beauty is not something that comes naturally, because we've more than likely not been around women who've projected healthy self-images. Most of our self-image issues are learned behavior. As you can see from the video, learned behavior can be undone, it's just a matter of how.
It's getting late and I'm going to watch a little tv. Tomorrow I'll continue working on my letter to self and processing my thoughts on self-image.
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