Health Update

 

Before I begin my update, I want to give a little back history about this blog to new readers. I decided to write a blog as part of documenting my journey towards healing from a tumultuous past and recovery from an eating disorder.  My formal diagnosis is Eating Disorder-NOS (nonspecific).  I’m not sure why I received such a generalized diagnosis.

At my worst, I was starving (restricting) during the day and binge eating by night. I’d often hoard food throughout the day and begin eating around 4pm. I would eat for several hours, consuming a series of small meals until my ribs hurt and I felt as though I would pop.  Sometimes I wouldn’t or couldn’t stop eating until the wee hours of the morning. Even still, I’d always have to top my binge off with something sweet in order to relax and drift off to sleep. Thankfully, I am no longer that person. That’s not to say that I don’t still struggle with occasional binging and restricting. I’m just saying, I’m thankful I’m no longer at my worst.

One of the things I promised myself when I began writing this blog was that I was not going to give numbers here, such as weight, calories, measurements, reps, etc. Numbers can be cumbersome, even triggering to some. I want this place to be a safe space where readers won’t have to deal with the weight of numbers or comparisons. I hope by sharing my experience, I can shed light, foster courage and promote hope.

That being said, I will continue with my report. My doctor’s appointment was a few weeks ago. Sorry, I’m just getting around to telling you about it. The visit went well. According to my doctor the corrections made to my diet with proper medication and the drop in my AIC was life-changing. He’s not going to change my treatment for now. I’ll see him in another couple of months. Hopefully, my AIC will have come down a bit more. I’m not far from normal levels. Needless to say, I walked away feeling really good and very thankful.

Thanksgiving also went well. I didn’t have an urge to binge during the festivities. We visited friends. I purchased some of our favorite foods and carried it with us, only because it’s too difficult to get into all of our dietary needs, we simply fend for ourselves. The coolest thing, we were unexpectantly able to eat a few items prepared by our friends, and they were able to enjoy a little of what we brought also. It was the best holiday experience we’ve had so far.

Now we’re having to face Christmas, which we don’t traditionally celebrate. What we enjoy is fellowshipping with loved ones, and getting a much-needed break from work and studies.  We also don’t actually know when Jesus’ birthday is. So instead, we celebrate the gift He is to us every day.

I am thankful for the gift of better health, and I look forward to continuing this journey.

Onward and Upward.

Shake The Dust Off

It’s a wonder I haven’t given up entirely by now. I did give up for a time but clung to the hope that I might find the strength to start again. This time, I wasn’t sure how far down I’d go before beginning the climb.

It’s been over a year. To be exact, it’s been one year, three months, and four days since I’ve posted here. Feeling a little relieved to finally face the funk.

Before my untimely hiatus, I was close to being at the top of my weight loss game, eating healthier, fewer binges, and stress levels lessoning. Despite my progress, I still felt the pang of slipping, even after finding out I’d gotten down to my pre-pregnancy weight. I hadn’t seen that number for almost 20 years.

The struggle was getting to me, as evidenced in my last few posts. I thought I’d find an opportunity to write more. I suppose I had the time but lost the inclination.

Fast forward. It’s time for my annual well check. I call to make an appointment later in the week. Still struggling with exercising regularly, but reveling in my unexpected success. I practically skipped into the doctor’s office and leaped onto the scale. Then I did what I call the skidally wop, which is my happy dance, into the examination room. Weight’s good…check, vitals good…check, standard tests done…check. I sit with perfect posture, grinning so hard my eyes squint. I wait patiently for the doctor to enter and render her accolade for my outstanding accomplishment.

Dr. Dash (not her real name) enters the room. She smiles a big smile and proceeds to give me what I’m waiting for. Happiness, happiness, happiness! And then…

A knock and the nurse enters the room. She blurts out a number, smiles, and leaves. Dr. Dash turns to me and sais, “Well, it looks like you’re diabetic.” What?! I’m confused. I’ve lost tons of weight, cut out bread, pasta, rice, wine and, processed sugars (with exception to the occasional binge). I drink nothing but water, exercise almost daily, and I’m at a weight I haven’t seen in 20 years. How is this possible?! Dr. Dash scrolls through my chart and reveals that my past glucose levels were perfect. She writes a prescription and with a stern voice, encourages me to take the medication. I’m at a loss. This can not be happening. Damn!

Already on a slippery slope and now this. I may never regain my composure. My mind shut down, and I began to sink into a pit of despair and denial. I tried taking the new medication for a couple weeks before finally giving up. Screw it. I’d had enough. Let the binge-fest begin! I ate my way through last year, but not like the past. Instead, when I went out, every time I went out, I’d enjoy treating myself to something small like an ice cream cone and a 4 or 10 piece nugget, sometimes medium fries, and water. If I went the sweet route, I’d limit myself to only 2 or 3 of the item of choice. Not too bad, except I stopped exercising altogether.

So here I am, shaking the dust off and starting up once again. I gained a few pounds. The good news, I didn’t gain back as much as I thought. I started exercising about 3 months ago. Not an easy feat after a year off. I no longer purchase treats when I go out. I’m taking it slow. Slow and steady wins the race. I’ve only had one small binge in the last 3 months. I ate 4 packs of peanut butter nabs, a roll of fruit-flavored mentos, and a piece of smoked turkey sausage. It’s not so easy to binge when the result of my shame is readily available by way of glucose levels.

Though I ignored my health for a year. I’ve managed to work my way towards having healthier glucose levels in a relatively short period. I have a doctor’s appointment next week, and I’m looking forward to having a lower A1C. I’m feeling confident about making progress with weight too. It won’t take me long to cross over the threshold again.
 

Onward and Upward!

Release. Regroup. Regain Control.

For the past few weeks, I've attempted to do some soul searching, and I still can’t put my finger on why I'm struggling with daily exercise. Exercise had become such a joy to do. I almost never let anything stop me. Even on the hard nights, I was committed to doing at least 15 minutes. I wish I could identify the problem. I can’t even remember when the problem started. I think about exercise. I genuinely want to exercise. I tell myself I need to exercise, and then I do nothing.

My anxiety has gone down quite a bit. I was able to teach and present last week without feeling like the world was about to cave in on me. I think I’m finally developing the process I need to do public speaking engagements more regularly. I also continue doing well with eating. I’ve not binged since the last time I mentioned nor have I starved myself. I’ve indulged in soft-serve cones from McDonald’s here lately. It’s become my favorite Summertime treat. Even still, I’m mindful of what I eat.

I’ve not gone back to church since I had the mini-binge after service. I miss going, but I will not force myself to be part of a group that does not want me. I had enough of that as a child. I promised myself when I grew up I would not willingly be subject to that kind of treatment. Why should I go to church every Sunday with a smile on my face only to have it wiped away by being reminded how much I don’t belong? How dare those people try to make me feel I’m not good enough. I even endured rejection when I opened my heart and my home to a few of the members. I’ve come way to far to fall back into that trap. I am good enough. I know that for a fact and no one can tell me different. Hmph.

So now that I’ve released, I put my soapbox away, and am left with the conundrum, what next. How do I regroup and regain control again? I don’t know. While I figure it out, I will continue to focus on the good.

Onward and Upward!

I’m Scared

The scariest thing on this journey is the looming possibility of failure, deposited back to whence I came, missing out on finding who I am. The person I became 40 plus years ago is not the person I am, my organic self that is. I only had two years as my original self before everything began. I’m just getting to the point where I’m not as empty inside. I can feel. I mean I can feel something real, not just my PTSD and anxiety checking in.

Healing has placed much in me and taken much out of me.

I wish hurting didn’t hurt so much. It was easier living in a fog. Of course, if I opted for easy, I wouldn’t have made it this far. Would I appreciate life as much as I do now had I not gone through hell? Hell was home. It keeps trying to creep back into my life. I have a new home. It just doesn’t feel like home right now. Nothing feels right.

I just ate a little chicken and a few crackers. I may have a small bowl of ice cream. At least, that’s what I tell myself as a comfort. I may not eat ice cream. Not in the mood. I’m thirsty. They say thirst and hunger register the same in the body, so if you’re hungry try drinking water first to see if the hunger will subside. Well, that may work for the physical hunger, but it does not work for emotional hunger, better known as “the feed.” The feed won’t be your fool. It has it’s purpose and does not stray from the course.

It's 11:46 PM, too late to eat and too early for bed. Still feeling tired, but not as tired as I did this afternoon. Perhaps I’ll clean up and journal for a bit. I might even write a letter to my therapist. I do that from time to time. It’s easier to share deeply when not watching the clock. Time is money.

I wish for you all a peaceful night and a good day tomorrow.

Until next time. Onward and Upward.

Damn!

I can’t tell if I’m struggling more this year than other years or if it just feels like it.

Hi, it’s been a couple of months since I’ve written here. There has been a fair share of ups and downs on this leg of my recovery journey as well as with my son’s health. He’s getting over a very bad asthma episode. It was the first time he’s ever gone to the emergency room due to asthma. The more I pray and work to find ways to combat his illnesses the more they seem to persist. Doctors aren’t much help. He’s doing better so far. I pray he continues doing well.  

It wasn’t that long ago I came down from a period of binge eating. I haven’t yet stabilized completely. My eating has improved over the past couple months. Me exercising is another matter. I’ve made attempts to exercise more. To be completely honest I’m exhausted. In March I had what seemed like month-long anxiety attach. It happened in waves. I started feeling better April and May. Binge eating stopped as I turned my focus toward much more rewarding subjects like creativity which I’ve had abundantly lately. I’m not mad about that. There were days I had to pull in the reins so not to lose focus on projects I needed to get done. I’ve also done well to stay away from donuts which can be an intense trigger for me.

Am I back on the right road to recovery. Not yet. Today I had a mini-binge after church. What was the trigger? Church. My church, in particular, is not a haven. I’m not sure why this is. Everyone else seems to be happy there. Maybe it’s me. I left with an old familiar feeling of being unloved and unwanted which lead to a deep heaviness in my heart that also translated to my limbs. I managed to pick-up something for lunch. When I returned home, I found my son taking a nap, so I sat at my computer and voraciously ate a few chicken legs, wings, and cheesy potatoes, after which I nodded a bit. When I woke up, I could barely move. My body was heavy as if weights were on me. It took every bit of energy I had to get lunch for my son. I had to lie down. I cried, asking God why am I so unlovable. TD Jakes was on my tables. I watched a couple of sermons and felt better.  At least I’m able to move around. I’ll try to get a few things done before I call it a night. In the meantime, I wanted to take a moment to share my thoughts with you.

Sorry I haven’t been around more. There are so many things I need and want to get done and do. Until I’m able to sort out my schedule, this is the best I can do. I’ll have more time to write this month and next. So I’ll take the opportunity to do so.

Going to get something else to eat. Onward but not upward for now. I have hope that tomorrow will be better.

Thank God It's Friday!

First of all, happy Friday to you all! I hope you are as happy to see the week’s end as I am. It’s been a doozy of a week for me. Glad to be able to get away from everything and just chill out for a couple days.

I faced two major triggers this week, one of which I did not see coming. So let’s start with Monday. I was scheduled to do a presentation that evening. Already a bit overwhelmed with everything I have to contend with this month, anxiety is triggered. I’m no stranger to anxiety, but it’s been a while since I’ve experienced it to this level. Usually, it comes and then it goes, so I’m not quite sure why I’m still struggling.

The wave of anxiety started around Thursday of last week. There were times when everything seemed like it was going to be okay and other times when I felt like I was on the verge of panic. I kept my schedule stress free for the weekend and managed to get myself to what I thought was a more comfortable place. Monday comes, all is well except for the low-level anxiety that is still present. I didn’t have time to give thought to my condition. It was all I could do to get ready and then I hear the weather forecast. There’s a strong chance of snow. I know…I know, what’s snow got to do with it? Well, it wouldn’t have much to do with anything if it weren’t for my anxiety deciding to invite PTSD to the party. Now I have to contend with even more negative thoughts compounded by front row tickets to worse case scenario theater and I’m the star. I begin to tremble.

I get in the car, put on a good CD. Snow is just starting to fall as I back out of the driveway. The weather’s not bad and I don’t have far to go. My anxiety seems to be leveling out. I call a friend, put her on speaker phone and partake in jovial conversation until I reach my destination. Okay, so far so good. The sidewalks are a bit slushy. I managed to get inside without slipping. That’s another thing. When I was much heavier, my worst nightmare was falling in public. I promised myself If I ever fell in public I’d just lie there pretending to pass out, hoping witnesses would feel a bit of compassion if they thought something was wrong. End of confession. On the elevator, I feel a rise in my anxiety and take a few deep breaths, thankful I arrived early so I could give myself time to calm down. Turns out that wasn’t a good idea after all. The person presenting before was beyond awesome. Her presentation was dynamic. Overall it was engaging, funny, impactful, insightful, and at times jaw-dropping. It was everything and a bag of chips with a drink on the side. Damn!

I’m thinking, why didn’t I stay home. As the presenter winds down my anxiety wound up and is set to go off. Panic in progress! It was too late to turn back. There’s nowhere to go but forward. So I did. A few minutes into my presentation I call it quits. This is the perfect calling card for a binge fest. Guess what – I didn’t binge.

I’m having a mental celebration of my triumph when the second trigger happens on Wednesday. This is the one I didn’t see coming. I was joking around with a few friends when one whispered something inappropriate in my ear. I was shocked, no, more like shook. I wasn’t able to respond as I should have. This is the very substance of the thing that causes me to gain and maintain an unhealthy weight. My weight was my badge of shame as well as a band-aid for pain. As long as I was heavier my dad didn’t rape me or sell me. As long as I was heavier I could go unnoticed, unwanted. I know this sounds like a bad thing to say and I apologize for that. Being heavy does not equate to being unattractive. What made me unattractive was letting go of everything and being my most possible worse. I told myself if anyone liked me in that state they were a true friend.

Have you ever been asked the question, “If you had a superpower which superpower would it be?” My answer was always to be invisible because I could not bear the thought of being seen. I’ve been fortunate enough to be aware of the severity of this feeling and have been working on getting better for some time. I have gotten better. I’ve finally worked my way to being a little comfortable with public speaking. I publicly share stories about my childhood and the things I’ve been blessed to learn and do toward having good mental health. Even with all the work I’ve put into this issue, I still sometimes fall into sabotage mode. Remember, I just got past my last bout with this problem a couple weeks ago.  

The fear of someone coming on to me whether serious or in jest all feel s the same. What made this situation worse is that he knew my history. He knew about the abuse.  I wasn’t able to respond the way I should have, which is not unusual for me in most situations. When he walked away, I just sat there wondering how something like this could have happened without me having the smallest inkling of the possibility. My head began to pound, my chest tightened. I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. I wanted to cry.

It is now Friday. I thank God for it being Friday. I survived two of my biggest triggers and am no worse for wear at the moment. Wow! Prayer is a mighty thing. I’ve been praying for God’s help with my fears, triggers, and weaknesses. He’s answering my prayers. This week I have not binged. My hope…to continue not binging.  Taking it one step at a time, one day at a time.

Onward and Upward!   

Thankful for the Slow Progress

I used to wonder why some of the people from the TV show The Biggest Loser struggled to maintain their weight loss. The first season winner claimed he celebrated his weight loss by eating a burger and fries. What could it hurt to have something he’d been craving for a few months? It seemed harmless enough until he found himself back at his original pre-show weight.  I read that a spin-off show, The Big Fat Truth was created inviting several winners from previous seasons of the original show to participate. I’m not sure how they thought a second show utilizing pretty much the same methods would help outside of losing the weight again. Did the creators of the show consider addressing what caused the participants to put on the weight other than “biological factors” and “bad behaviors?” This is a testament to the danger of shedding a lot of weight without addressing the root cause.  That being said, it’s obvious the creators of the show didn’t get it. Critics of The Big Fat Truth made this statement, “Roth's new show is another version of what they see as a dangerous approach to weight loss that favors quick results over science.”  I’m sure there are a great many people that can attest to the dangers of quick weight loss. I’ve certainly had my share of ups, downs, and merry-go-rounds. That’s why this time I’m taking it nice and slow.

I’ve been on my weight loss journey for several years, but that doesn’t mean I was always actively dieting and exercising. I knew from much trial and error that I needed to start my journey at the beginning, not the end. In other words, I didn’t need to focus on the current behaviors without revisiting my past taking a long, hard, honest look at the significance it had on my previous and current weight gain.

The first couple years I spent much time figuring out who I am outside of who I was created to be by my parents. There had to be more to me than being a product of abuse or victim of circumstance. I found that to be a great place to start with therapy. It wouldn’t be until after I started to figure out who I am and how to love myself that the weight would begin to shed. Slow and steady. The 3^rd and 4^th years my self-worth came up and I was able to enjoy doing good things for myself like being more consistent with exercising and eating better. There were many struggles and periods of uncertainty where I found it difficult to maintain good habits, but I didn’t give up and that’s what made the difference. That’s why I’m still in the game. In the distant past, I would have given up before completing year 1 and I would not have looked back until several years and a few health concerns later.

Now I’m looking at years 5 and 6. Year 7 will start this Fall. I’ve lost a significant amount of weight. There is still a ways to go, but I’m in no hurry. I am thankful for slow progress. I’ve finally crossed a threshold I haven’t seen since pregnancy. Are there still struggles? Yes. Slow progress allows me the time I need to face and confront my struggles head-on. There have been slips here and there. I’m struggling with fear and triggers as I move towards weights I haven’t seen since my 20s, but that’s okay. I’m praying for strength and wisdom.

My newest method for dealing with triggers is working. This past winter season I fell head-first into a binge frenzy that I could not work my way out of. While praying it came to me to stop focusing on losing weight. Make my focus on maintaining the progress I’ve made. This train of thought tricked my mind and kept me from getting majorly depressed while dealing with the binging. If I were still hyper-focused on losing weight, knowing that my behaviors were making me gain weight, I could have potentially spiraled out of control just on the guilt alone. But somehow thinking of maintaining my progress made the struggle a little less damning and I was able to think about my behaviors one day at a time, not focusing on any particular measure of loss or gain. I just focused on decreasing the binging as best I can for that one day. I did gain a few pounds, but have since turned the binging around and am losing those pounds again. No major setbacks, moving forward.  

Onward and Upward!

The Struggle Is REAL

I’m so glad to finally have time to get back to my blogs. It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything here. I want you to know that you are still in my thoughts and prayers even when I don’t get the chance to check in.

My son and I are doing well. A few posts ago I mentioned my son having some difficulties with maintaining his weight. We’re still not sure why he had the sudden drop. Initially, we thought he was not getting enough calories with diet changes. He’s still on a Paleo/Gluten Free diet plan and it’s working out well so far. I won’t get into his actual weight. One of my promises when starting this blog was that I would try my best not to post numbers. Numbers are a definite trigger for me and almost never lead up to healthful choices. If you don’t know what I mean I will be happy to explain. The road to recovery from an eating disorder is hard enough without bearing the weight of numbers such as portion size, how many calories, carbs, pounds, reps, etc. I tend to become hyper-focused on numbers when having to deal with them frequently so I try to stay away as much as possible. I only weigh when going to the doctor because weighing at home creates a higher potential for obsessive behaviors such as obsessing over weight gain or loss every day. Starving and binging would soon follow and that is the last thing I need.

Getting back to my son. He did lose several pounds but gained them back over the holidays. Tweaking his diet, adding supplemental drinks occasionally and encouraging him to eat small meals frequently helped tremendously. My son is learning what foods make him feel good and what foods disrupt his digestion. He’s also gaging himself on how much he eats and he’s taking more time to chew his food. I tell you what, I could not be prouder. I know the doctors didn’t have much hope getting my son to make healthier choices. No matter if a person is autistic or not, having the patience and taking the time to work on things that need to be worked on will bring forth improvement. Believe me, a little improvement is better than no improvement. In my son’s case, his improvement has been tremendous. I also think his maturity level has increased nicely over the past year.

As for me, I’ve managed to get past a major threshold. I've gotten down to the weight I was when I first found out I was pregnant with my son 19 years ago. It’s been quite an adjustment. When I say the struggle is REAL, it really is. I’ve been struggling with urges to binge since just before the holidays after meeting one of my goals. I was plagued with fear (stemming from childhood trauma) and I needed to get it in check. So while working on my latest issues with body appearance and attracting attention to myself I’m battling sever urges. I do well sometimes and other times I don’t. That being said, I am in no way going back to where I came from. I don’t ever want to see those pounds again. Instead of trying to force the issue and fight this thing until I give out, I am applying appropriate attention to my eating and exercising while working on maintaining where I am until I manage to get past this hurdle. It's working for me, but still a struggle…one that I have no intention of losing.

For now, I am still maintaining my progress within a couple pounds of my last major weight check. Binging and cravings are starting to subside. I’m still eating meals well and taking on the challenges one day and one craving at a time. Today has been a good day. Onward and Upward!

Gaining The Ability To See Progress And Still Be Okay

Hi there. How are you doing? Are you  having a good Summer so far? I can't complain. As a matter of fact I have quite a bit to be thankful for. I don't have any particular plans other than continuing to embrace the advocacy work that I've been doing for almost a year now. It's going very well. I'm meeting some really incredible people who are as passionate about advocacy as I am, if not more. New opportunities are opening up for me and my skill set in increasing by leaps and bounds. My son's health is better also. Food is not making him suffer. He enjoys the foods that I'm cooking and he's responding well to the medicines he's taking. We did go through a period where his seizures increased dramatically, landing us in the ER a few times. With many prayers and a few adjustments to medications he seems to be doing well.

It's been a long time since I've seen my son so happy, even though I've witnessed him smile through much of his pain for the past three years. It's different now. I can tell he feels much better. I sit here listening to his inaudible chatter and contagious laughter and smile to myself, taking mental note of my gratitude.

In my last post I wrote about becoming aware of my self-sabotaging mindset whenever I've managed to achieve a weight loss goal or an exercise goal or even an eating goal for that fact. I've been spending a lot of time praying about this thing, because I honestly didn't have a clue what to do about it. I needed answers to questions I could barely voice. I'm still seeking answers and while I'm seeking those answers I'm systematically compiling more questions. While all of this this is going on, I turn my attention towards the self I see in the mirror and I begin to see what looks like change. As I stare at my reflection I wonder if what I see is real.

Have you ever come to a point in a situation where you simply don't know which way to go? It doesn't matter how much you think about it, you still have no clue and as soon as frustration sets in, you shift gears and begin willing your thoughts to disappear. Before long you might find yourself in a vicious cycle of trying to overcome something that you don't know how to overcome and getting angrier by the moment because you can't to do this on you own.

Part of my Christian belief is that we as believers should not try to navigate life's trials and tribulations on our own. We are taught to rely on God, to seek Him in all that we do. Why is it so hard to put this into practice? The way I see it, it's because we are fixated on seeing self...not our whole self, just the parts we don't like. We read books on how to help self. We seek out inspirational speakers that say to us, rely on self...believe in self. As a matter of fact, since the beginning of our being we are conditioned to focus solely on self. Even much of our faith practice is focused on self, what we want from God...not what God wants from us. And if that isn't enough of a track towards narcissism we go one step further and expand our focus on how the world sees us and that image becomes the image we pay most attention to. We use the world as our mirror and almost always hate what we see. And so every thing we do, say, experience, and want is centered around the image of self that we want to portray to the world. We want to be better than what the world sais we are. Okay, so let me ask this... How can we Christians see God if all we see is the world's view of self? And how can we see God in ourselves if we don't like what self looks like? I'll even go one step further and ask, how do we learn to trust God and love Him with our whole heart if we don't think He made us right...if we think that God made a mistake when He made us? Have you ever thought about that and how that kind of thinking affects us on every level?

I'm starting to understand why there's such a profound level of negative self and body image. I don't know one other person that is happy with the way God made them...not one. And though I've never had an issue with the way God made me, I've spent the majority of my life loathing what life's circumstances created me to be...fat and afraid.

A couple weeks ago I was about to write a post on not being able to see change. I sat down, opened my blog and attempted to type out the first sentence. Something inside of me would not let me complete that sentence. I closed my blog and began working on something else. A few days past, random thoughts dashing across my mind. "Wonder why I can't see any change?" "Is it because I've been so heavy for so long that I'm not able to see myself any other way?" "Maybe I need to try wearing a smaller size." Of course, at that time I was afraid to try a smaller size. I didn't want to endure anticipation followed by the disappointment of a smaller size still being the too tight. Another thought crossed my mind, "Could it be that I'm not able to see progress for fear of sabotaging myself again?" That was it. It became clear to me that my inability to handle progress will always be a stronghold if I don't seek help from God, because I can't get past this on my own.

Sometimes when I ask God for answers He answers me right away. Other times, He takes me through a process...a journey. I've learned, when asking God to help me change something about myself, in order to achieving change it often requires a process. This time the process is to shift my focus from seeing the world view of self to seeing God's creation.

With the help of God I was able to spend the first year of my journey working towards better physical health by increasing awareness of my emotions and their link to my eating disorder. He also helped me find the courage to look in a mirror and see the image I'd been running from, because my image was everything the world considered wrong. I had to learn how to see my body, not as what the world sees, but as it was created by God and what He intended my body to be.

This is what the bible has to say about that. 1 Corinthians 3:16-17 Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? If any man destroys the temple of God, God will destroy him, for the temple of God is holy, and that is what you are.

Now that I am learning to see myself in the light in which I am meant to be seen, I can better handle the progress I'm making and know that I'm going to be alright because the darkness of negative thoughts cannot penetrate the light of seeing myself through God's eyes.

Onward and Upward!

Being More Aware Makes All The Difference Continued...

As I was typing my last post, I realized that I've become much more aware of how differently I respond to food. Even though I still go through periods of wanting, I don't go through them nearly as often. I am thankful to be more aware of when the cycle is starting as well as being more aware of the triggers.

The most recent change I've noticed since going paleo is that I'm more satisfied after meals, even smaller meals. I also don't crave carbs nearly as much. There are those stumbling blocks like my most recent issue with obtaining a goal and then almost falling into a complete set back. I'm also transitioning into menopause which means I still have those times when I crave sweet and crunchy treats. I don't know if this will continue after the transition is over. I guess I'll need to ask someone if they still have craving like they did before menopause.

If I give in to eating sweets for more than 3 nights in a row my desire for carbs increases. Note, this is not a large amount of sweets. I could have a hand full of peanut m&ms a few nights in a row and that will trigger intense cravings just as if I were binging. Not just any sweet will trigger me. Refined sugars are my biggest culprit for triggering cravings. I recognized that when I started eating a hand full or raisins a few nights in a row and I didn't experience any triggers. So now when I crave a sweet crunchy treat during that special time of month, my most successful go to treat is raisins and nuts which is working for me so far.

Now only if I can figure out how to deal with success better. How do I stop myself from freaking out and sabotaging my efforts after obtaining my next weight loss goal? I'm clueless. The one good thing is that I recognize the pattern. As far as knowing which way to go from here...I don't. But you know me, I'll figure it out.

Onward and Upward! 

Finding Balance Between Two Dietary Needs

Have you ever heard the old adage, "The way you start is the way you will finish" or "Don't start what you can't finish?" Both adages are usually used in reference to relationships. I guess the same could apply to my relationship with food. So that is what I'm doing. I am building a relationship with food that I can live with. That's right... I am going to eat in a way that I can maintain throughout my life. I know most of the newer programs are already establishing this, but I had to come to this conclusion under my own terms. Besides, I have to find balance between my son's dietary needs and my own. And it needs to be something we both can enjoy for the long hall.

I think I've mentioned before that my son has several gut issues. Well, due to those gut issues I've had to try a few things. One of those things was gluten free living. Being gluten free did help some, but my son's gut issues were not getting much better. Next I tried Paleo which was very good for my son's gut, but he started losing weight. It was a bit of a challenge for me to find ways to increase his fat intake while decreasing mine. Also, I have to be careful with my son's carb intake because too many carbs could trigger his seizures. That being said, I've decided to do a blend of gluten free and paleo. On the one had my son can get a few more carbs with the gluten free and the paleo portion will balance his diet. Not to mention I can eat a low carb diet without feeling like my son and I have to eat completely different meals. We usually eat the same protein while having different sides. My son likes risotto, fried veggies, creamed veggies and so on. I love finding innovative ways to create tasty dishes using cauliflower, squash and leafy greens. We eat a host of other sides as well as a variety of healthy homemade flatbreads.

It was stressful at first. To be perfectly honest, I didn't think I could do it, but I've finally managed to make meals that promote healthy weight gain for my son and healthy weight loss for myself. Balancing our dietary needs has become second nature to me now. I've also modified my cooking times. Instead of cooking a meal and then later cooking a snack and so on, I now cook several meals and snacks at the same time and just serve when the time comes. Some days I may stew chicken while a meatloaf is in the oven and prepare enough sides to cover several meals. My sides are particularly easy because they do not require much cooking, if any. I have more time to work with my son and take care of other responsibilities in my day. It's win...win situation.

I can see eating this was for the rest of my life and never being board with the menu. 

Here's a recipe for one of our favorite treats.

Chocolate Paleo Pudding

2 ripe Avocado
1.5 - 3 tbls. Unsweeteed Coco Powder (1.5 for milk chocolate and 2 or more for darker chocolate taste)
1/3 c. Raw Honey
1/3 Coconut \Milk (unsweetened full fat)
1 - 1.5 tsp Vanilla (to taste)
1 pinch Cinnamon

For lighter creamer consistency add an addition 1/3 thinner non-dairy milk. I sometimes use hazelnut or cashew milk. Both vanilla and chocolate flavors work well.

Place avocado, coco powder and milk in the blender and blend until smooth. Add raw honey, vanilla, cinnamon and additional milk (if desired), blend until all ingredients are well incorporated and pudding is fluffy, creamy and smooth (be sure to stop blender periodically to scrape the sides with a spatula and continue blending). You can eat the pudding immediately or chill before serving. It is absolutely delicious and low carb. 

You would never know the pudding was made with avocado if you didn't make it yourself. Let me know if you like this recipe.

Onward and Upward!!

Being More Aware Makes All The Difference

I've learned a lot on this journey. One of my biggest lessons is to pay close attention to my emotions and reactions to different things that may affect progress. Triggers for example. Though I have gained the ability to deal more healthfully with emotional peaks and valleys, but I still have triggers that are not as noticeable, at least not to me. For example, in my last post I wrote about finding success in failure. The success was that I crossed over a weight threshold that eluded me for 16+ years. What I did not expect and what I obviously did not pay attention to in the past was the overwhelming feeling of fear when I realize I've achieved another goal. It's subtle at first, so I didn't really think of it much. By the following week I was in full binge mode. I found myself in a battle of wills. The will to continue moving forward with my progress and the lack of will to fight off cravings. The vicious cycle reared it's ugly head.

It was all consuming. Everyday I dealt with urges so strong they'd actually stop me in my tracks. One day I was going to do a couple loads of laundry. As I collected items to wash an overwhelming urge to get pizza came over me. I literally stopped in my tracks, looked towards the front door and almost gave in to the need to feed. I managed to fight it off for a bit, but the cravings continued in waves. Sometimes the urges were so strong that all I could do was stand right where I stood and not move...not speak...and try not to think until the wave was over.

Wednesday was the hardest day. Thought of pizza whirled around my mind. All kinds...every kind... The waves of urges to feed were unstoppable. I refused to give up. I put all my energy into not walking out the front door. Not even to take the trash out. When it seemed as though I was going to lose the battle, I picked up the phone and called my cousin. She too struggles with binging. As soon as she answered I warned her and asked for forgiveness for possibly triggering her with what I was about to say. She gave me the go-ahead...I began to share my plight. She understood and fortunately was not triggered. She listened as I rambled on frequently switching between the subject of the foods I wanted to devour and my desperate plea for help to get past the whole thing.

Exhausted, I felt as though I were being bludgeoned and all I wanted to do was crawl into a hole to lick my battered emotions and bruised ego. Then my cousin asked a very interesting question. She wanted to know if I had anything in the house to make a pizza with or something pizza like. I did. I had turkey pepperoni in the fridge and a couple gluten free tortillas in the pantry. In almost an instant I became calm. My cousin noticed and spoke to it. Even as I sit here reliving my experience I can still feel the calm that came over me with a simple question. I made my makeshift pizza. It was delicious and it took away all the cravings. I was satisfied and did not binge. Thank you, Cuz! You threw me a lifeline that day. I'll always be grateful for it. Love you much!!

Being aware of my emotional cycle during that period made all the difference.

I'm glad to report that progress still continues. I have not weighed since my last drs. visit and presume that I will not weigh until my next drs. visit in a few months. In the meantime, I continue to exercise 30-45 minutes every night. If I feel tired or sick I remind myself of my commitment to do at least 10 minutes. Often I feel much better once I get started and can go for the full time. I also really appreciate that I've started following through on opportunities to walk more.

I'm feeling better. I'm starting to look better. I'm eating healthier than I ever eaten before.

Onward and Upward!

Success in Failure

Wow! It's been a long time since I've sat down to blog. How have you been? I've been okay, much better here lately. At the beginning of the year I felt pretty crummy. Battling lethargy, and dealing with feelings of guilt and failure.

My last blog post was November 1, 2016. I was in a fairly good place at that time. Even looking forward to the holiday season and continuing my new non-traditional celebrations. I was struggling to keep up with exercise and eating right. I binged a few times. Fortunately not complete out of control binging as is so common for me during that time of year. There were several big downers around that time, one was going to the doctor and getting on the scale. For some reason, I imagined being in a better place with my weight, but when I got on the scale I found that I was only and I say this from the place of brokenness; I was only a couple pounds lighter than when I started the process a little over a year ago. Disappointment rained over me, so I retreated for a bit and licked my wounds...again.

A few weeks went by and I found myself in the throws of preparing for my non-traditional holiday meals which consisted of seafood and salads, no deserts and no roasted bird except for the bird promised to me by my friend who was gravely ill at the time. She makes the best roasted bird...any kind of bird. And for that I wanted to make my favorite holiday dressing traditional...yes...but necessary. I was only missing one thing. The gluten free cornbread mix that I loved so much. I searched 7 grocery stores weekly and still could not find what I was looking for.

I didn't want my friend to make the turkey. I didn't think she had the strength, but I also wondered if she didn't make the turkey this year would she ever be able to again. I struggled with the notion of allowing her to keep her promise while watching her fade into a being I could no longer recognize.

While searching earnestly for balance, I still had the charge of dealing with failure. Back when I first started on my journey to living a healthier life, I watched countless videos of women and men who like me struggled with weight and sometimes eating disorders. They'd show video accounts of the first 8 months to a year and the change was dramatic. I was filled with so much hope. I didn't want to focus on the week to week I just held on to hope that at the end of the year I would be a much healthier version of myself. It appeared I didn't achieve that goal or did I.

Over a year ago I was just coming to terms with my eating disorder. Though I had lost some weight over a period of several years, I was still very uncomfortable, very unhealthy and struggling to literally "fit" in. I didn't lose a large amount of weight in this past year. I barely lost a little, but does that equate to failure? I said yes then...now I say something other. Success did not come by way of decrease in weight, it came by way of increase of determination. Even thought my weight loss was only a little it was still a loss and not a gain. And though I struggled and loss the battle many times, I was still fighting the war and gained more resilience, determination and desire to achieve my goal. It took considerable time for me to come to this conclusion, but in doing so I was able to let go.

It's now April 2017. Just last month I found myself back on the saddle and as I picked up the reigns I made the decision to enjoy my life. I'm no longer focused on the journey, but more so embracing life and living. I'm living and doing and exploring things that I never thought I would. I've stepped out on faith and began working more diligently on my autism and disability advocacy. I now serve on several boards and committees. And just recently was invited to speak at the 2017 WAAD observation held at the United Nations in NYC. Who would have thunk it? How did I get here? I don't really know. I just know that I'm enjoying life and passions and I'm taking my beautiful son with me every step of the way. And guess what...at my last doctors appointment I stepped on the scale and to my astonishment I crossed over the threshold I'd been trying to cross for the previous 14 months. It happened just like that. I was amazed and celebrated quietly. I'm still celebrating.

Today, I sit at my desk with many thoughts to share and a smile on my face. I've eaten healthy meals and am about to have a snack. I don't have to worry about walking by my son's snack bowl like I did before. I can actually pluck a chip or two and think nothing of it, nor do I worry about that the taste of a chip on my lips triggering me to binge. I'm alive! I'm living! And I'm loving life!

Onward and Upward!

Thank you!

Greetings everyone! How are you doing? I am writing this note to thank you for continuing to read my blog. I know that I've been away for a bit and I know there are times when it seems that I've gone off the deep end. I don't know if it's normal or not. I just know that it is all part of my journey and what a journey it has been so far. I appreciate you hanging in there with me for the good, the bad and even the unexplained.

So please accept this most heart felt thank you for being so supportive and walking this walk with me. A huge hug to each and every one of you. Blessings.

Stay True To Yourself

Are you Still Up for the Challenge?

Hi everyone! How are you doing on the 22 push-ups for 22 days challenge? I posted about starting my challenge on the 30th of last month. It is now the 19th, so it's been 20 days. I actually finished my challenge a couple days ago only because I did double push-ups for a couple days. [pause] I didn't do them back to back. It was more like one set in the morning and one set along with my workout that night. Guess what! I'm able to do knee bends. Not deep ones, but knee bends just the same. I found out by accident and was quite please when my knees didn't sound like crinkly paper. I hate that sound...

Now for the not so good news. I've had some trouble with my eating. Yep. It's been a rough summer. Going through a lot of changes and still going through. I don't know what will come of my situations, but I'm learning not to be so stressed about it. Of course, I'm learning a bout of binging. Not to worry, I'm getting better. I was off for a few weeks. I had a mad love affair with fried chicken. No more of that, not even on occasion for now. I'm much happier eating healthier again. I've not come up with any new recipes or fun thing to do with healthy foods. Hopefully I will be inspired to do so soon.

As far as my troubles, I'm learning how to trust God better. You know...it's easy to say I trust God when things are going pretty well. I find when things are really bad that I want to trust Him, but I tend to worry. With this latest series of situations, I found myself trusting God for something I wanted and when I didn't get it, I felt lost and my trust waivered. Worry and stress became close bedfellows. That's when my eating took a turn for the not so good. It started with just being a little lazy about cooking dinner and then coupons showed up in my mail. How convenient...

My birthday was a little over a week ago. I had been off the fried chicken thing for a while and thought it would be safe to treat myself to a little on my birthday. I told a friend about it. I guess she saw something this time that she had not seem before. Usually she doesn't respond to my stories about overeating or not eating. This time she intervened. I didn't fully understand what she was doing at first. My friend has been sick for a while. She's doing some better, but still struggles with health issues. I haven't been able to be there for her like I want to. I just don't have the energy. I call to check on her when I feel strong enough not to cry on her shoulder. She doesn't need to know about my troubles. She's got enough of her own. Anyway, she offered to cook dinner for me and my son for my birthday. I wasn't sure I wanted her to do that. It would take lots of energy and she hasn't had much energy herself lately, but she insisted. In a moment of thanksgiving...me thanking my friend that is, she stated that she didn't want me to get the fried chicken. Okay, I get it now. So I reached over for the latest set of coupons I had taken out of the mail, tore them to shreds and put them in the garbage. I put the phone down for a second and cried just a little. I couldn't bring myself to tell her how much I really needed that.  

Somehow in the midst of all of everything I managed to complete my 22 day challenge. I'm proud of myself. I kind of enjoyed doing the push-ups. Just earlier today I did 25. I think I'll try to keep this as part of my regular routine. I won't say I'll do push-ups every day, but I will definitely do them more often.

I hope all is well with you. Summer's coming to it's end. I hope you've had a good summer. As for me, I continue asking God to continue blessing me with His grace and tender mercies as I am still in the trenches. It's quiet and still. I'll be praying for peace, joy and prosperity for us all.

I'm Doing it! 22 Push-ups for 22 Days

When I posted the other day about the 22 day challenge that I saw on YouTube, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to do it. I could not have told you the last time I actually did one push-up let alone 22. Last night, as I was preparing to do my workout I almost backed out of doing the challenge, but decided to keep my word. So I got on the floor with my knees together, ankles up and crossed and I did my push-ups. The coolest thing about it all was that I could have done a few more, but I didn't. Instead I continued with my regular workout with a huge smile on my face as I sent a great many "thank you" up to heaven.

I thought about my brothers and sisters who may have some difficulty getting on the floor to do push-ups. If any of you out there want to participate in this challenge, but feel you are not able because you can't get down on the floor...not to worry. Another way you can do a push-up is to stand at your kitchen counter. Put both hands on the counter with arms spread apart as if ready to do a push-up. Keep your hands on the counter while taking a few step back from the counter and raise your heels (it's like being in position to do a push-up only while standing, leaning forward). Only go back as far as comfortable for you. You body should be at an angle. Slowly lower your upper body down towards the counter. Allow your arms and your toes to support the weight of you. Go as low as you comfortably can and then push yourself back up. See how many of these you can do. Even if you can't do all 22, what you are doing is of great support to the cause and provides healthy movement for you.

Today I've done the challenge twice so far. Trying to catch up since so far behind. If you are able to do more, then do so, otherwise go at your own pace.

In acknowledgment and remembrance of the veterans who've long suffered from PTSD.

 

Free Event UK - Malakh Zebulun at Cassandra Learning Center, Discussion about Child Abuse and Domestic Violence

Join me Malakh Zebulun at Cassandra Learning Centre on 1st September at 6pm where I will read a chapter of my book 'No More Secrets' and discuss child abuse and... domestic violence. For 18+ only due to explicit nature of the reading.

Book your FREE ticket here: http://bit.ly/2aaDwqf
Cassandra Learning Centre

Okay, I could not get the video to load through blogger. Here's the link to Malakh's facebook page where you can view a couple brief video about up and coming events https://www.facebook.com/malakh.zebulun?fref=nf.

22 Push Up Challenge - Raising Awarenss of Veterans Battling PTSD

 

 

 

September is National Suicide Awareness Month.

Raising awareness of veterans who have committed suicide due to PTSD.

Sorry I'm just getting this information out now. I came across the challenge earlier today and decided to take it on. I don't know if I can do 22 push ups at one time, but I will get 22 push ups done throughout the day for the next 22 days.

Moving for life and awareness.

How childabuse can impact you daily - Chris Tuck

Hi everyone, I hope you are all well. I've been very busy and have not had as much time as I'd like to write a couple posts that have been lingering on my mind. I should have a bit more time in the next couple weeks. In the meantime, I've come across this video, Chris Tuck talking about the affects of child abuse and how the abuse can still trigger you many years later. The impact of child abuse is real. I don't know how many people really realize how our pasts affect our present and future. This video is not to discourage, but to encourage those of you who are survivors of abuse. We can live happy, fulfilling lives. There will be times when triggers will get to us. Those time will come, but they will only be for a brief time. Stay focused on the positives in your lives and be encouraged to deal with the harder times as best you can when they come.

Love and hugs to all of you. Continue moving towards better health and well being.

Are any of you located in the United Kingdom, if so, my next post (which will happen in a few minutes) is about a free event that is happening in the UK this coming September.

Onward and Upward! Don't give up!