How I Feel - 5/19/14

This is my safe place. A place of honesty and sharing. I've shown my failures and I've shared my triumphs. I've even allowed a little peek into my soul. So what's left but to say that which lies beneath the sweet façade, giving unto the things that crawleth under the skin sending one spiraling into darkness praying to survive another day...as the inevitable awaits.


I unconsciously lift my fork to my mouth. There is food there, so I eat of it. Food doesn't taste good today nor did it yesterday. I still say it feels good to have made progress, but I am still very afraid. What if I fail again? What if I go so far only to start from square one again? How sick will I get this time?


Will I ever lose this weight? How can I ever lose this weight? Stupid diets don't work! All they do is make me want to STOP...eating. I have to eat.


Sometimes I don't feel healthy enough to exercise. I feel sick and I'm always tired. I've worn myself to the core. My monsters laugh at me. They can't hurt me anymore, but that doesn't matter. I've mastered hurting myself.

How many of us suffer, unable to see past poor self image? You don't have to answer that. I bet the majority of us do. I see so many having been emotionally, mentally and physically damaged...brutally so sometimes. The suffering is beyond pandemic. We are so saturated with pain that it's almost unrecognizable...invisible. We used to overlook pain because it wasn't talked about, but now we overlook the pain because it's what we are all about. Who hasn't been affected by addiction, physical affliction, unfortunate parenting, victimization, sexual deviancy, learned behavior, narcissism, co-dependency, mental illness...whatever the.... You name it we've got it...welcome to hell.


Why do we cling to pain? I don't understand it, but I see nothing other than IT. The cycle is vicious. There are people who want to hurt people while wanting to hurt themselves because they've been hurt; but then they may choose to hurt themselves over hurting other people, because it's another way to hurt others while feeding the inherent desire to continue the hurt they've known. It's a way of getting attention. It's a way of being left alone. It's a way of screaming out loud. It's a way of keeping silent. It's a relief. It's an escape. Pain used to cope with pain...that's the name of the game...right? If pain doesn't come now...it will most assuredly come later. No one goes unscathed.


The cycle of torment spans generations. The only difference between us and them...then and now...speaking our truth out loud. Of course, there are still those who live by the old decree...what happens in this house stays in this house. Secrets and lies stacked up in closets and shoved under beds; sent of to the places of unknown. I still wonder what kinds of hell past generations have seen. What lies have been dragged into graves. My mom had secrets...lots of them. Many of which I don't know or care to remember. She knew all my dirty secrets and dared not speak of them...not even to me.


I can't get this feeling out of my head...the feeling of being leprous, undesirable...cursed. Hell's fire upon all who look upon me. I am the hunchback of Notre Dame. The one shunned and ran away from. I do not know the love others claim to know. I have been used, abused and left to wither away. People tell me I'm pretty even beautiful, but it's all an illusion. I'm hidden behind smoke and mirrors. They want to make me feel better, but I don't want them to make me feel better and if they continue trying to make me feel better than I won't allow myself to feel better at all. I can't stand the disappointment. I can't stand feeling pretty for another moment only to watch it fade away...again. I just want to be left alone. Funny...I tell others they're beautiful. I want them to believe it because I believe it. Do they really believe me or do they feel the same as I do? Am I really helping them or am I trying to help myself?


I want to be stuck in a cave far away from humanity. I want to go unseen. I want to move along the crevices of existence cloaked by the black of night. I want to be sheltered by the silence of my thoughts. They won't be silenced. I want to numb my thoughts with food, self medicated in the comfort of being uncomfortable, but I can't. My desire to do so is fading so I sit here tonight and I write, fighting to live a life that I've never lived. Tonight I sit lost in a poetic slur.

This Woman Wants to Change How All of Us Sees Our Bodies

Some lovely person posted an excellent article written in the Huffington Post entitled, "This Woman Wants to Chang How All of Us Sees Our Bodies." The article made me sit back and think about my own body image. It's not a good image, but I'm working on it. What I found most profound about the article was what, Taryn Brumfitt, The woman in the video said about her own weight loss and how she felt. After losing weight and having the perfect body Taryn didn't feel any different. She still had the same negative self image. So Taryn decided to stop trying to be perfect and embraced her natural curves. She found a way to love herself just as she was.


If you can, please take a few minutes to read this article and watch the short video that accompanies it. I think you'll enjoy it.




(you may have to double click the link below)
This Woman Wants to Change How All of Us Sees Our Bodies

Dealing with triggers: The Ugly Button - 5/15/14

I joined an online support group yesterday. I wasn't sure how I'd like it, but the experience has been good so far. The group is pretty large, but it feels small and intimate. I like that.


There were some wonderful responses to the short introduction I posted. Questions were being asked about NES and others even chimed in and said thank you for joining because they too suffer from NES and it's almost never heard of. Can I tell you...it was wonderful to speak with people who knew just where I was coming from. People who could describe feeling and behaviors that I was all too familiar with. Wonderful connections were being made. However, everything has two sides. For every good there is bad. The bad thing is nothing that's being done intentionally. What is it? Triggers. Triggers that occur when reading emotionally intense posts. It can't be helped. EDs, addictions, abuse, disabilities, life itself...all these things come with pluses and minuses. When we are invited to speak about our issues there's always the risk of triggering others. I don't see any way around it except to never speak. What good would that do? Silence is worse than the actual triggers themselves.


The people in the group are very nice and yes, some of the subject matter is very intense. I'm already feeling kind of weirded out by the fact that so many beautiful people aren't able to see their own beauty. I want to scream and take the whole feeling ugly thing, wrap it up and tuck it into a place where no one can find it. It's a reminder of how ugly I see myself. If I were to describe myself in one word it would be...leprous. I can except my own feelings of inadequacy, but I am not coping well will with others feeling this way. They are all so beautiful. I know...the way I'm thinking is not fair to myself or them. They have their reasons for feeling the way they do just as I do. Perhaps it's too painful to see the pain of others when I'm having trouble seeing my own.


The more posts I read the angrier I feel. Not at the people for feeling the way they feel, but angry about living in a society where we are conditioned to feel ugly if we don't fit societal molds.


HOW DARE society think they are doing us a justice by making a "conscious" effort to depict and appreciate what is already beautiful! HOW DARE it be an effort at all to show women with voluptuous curves or people with rich skin tones! What happened to us that so many of us hate what we see in the mirror? Why is there so much shame in having a pimple, frizzy hair, being chubby, thin or whatever other superficial what not we can come up with? How are we to feel good when everything tell us to feeling bad?


Confession: I used to be obsessed with wanting to fix other peoples problems.


Other peoples problems were a welcomed distraction. My issues were ever present, ominous, venomous and I needed an escape. I would retreat into myself, draw or read books, but my favorite past time was dissecting the problems of others and obsessing over finding solutions. I was the self proclaimed Trojan of resolution. Bring all your problems to me and I will help you solve them. I was about as useful as a snake oil salesman. Though I must admit, there were some benefits to taking a situation, breaking it down and presenting it in a way that may not have been previously explored. It sometimes opened the doorway for individuals to take another look at their situations and search for answers within themselves. That would be the most reasonable intent for my process, but instead, I took it up a few notches and bought into my need to be needed.


Thanks to being self aware, I put a lot of effort to undoing the need to be needed along with undoing the need for people to serve specific roles in my life. It feels so much better to simply enjoy people for the sake of enjoying them and not having them lined up like a list of to dos. Now that I am freed from trying to solve the world's problem I can redirect my energy into the healing process. I will have to periodically remind myself that I can empathize without giving into the impulse to fix or solve things. I will also work on allowing myself to feel pain and then release it.


I'm still eating rye bread for breakfast every morning. Today I had two slices of rye bread with a little peanut butter. Lunch was an egg and cheese frittata and dinner will be left over chili from last night's impromptu dinner. 

Post Mother's Day Thoughts - 5/12/14

Greetings everyone! I hope you all had a wonderful weekend. Yesterday was Mother's Day. I hope you do not think me rude for not having some sort of Mother's day post. I could not think of what I wanted to say about the day beyond plans with my extended family. Mother's day is a day filled with mixed emotions. On the one hand I celebrate being a mom and all that it entails. I don't always love every aspect of being a parent, but I'm in love with what parenting is...what it's supposed to be. On the other hand, I am wounded by having a mom who was not emotionally present; a mom who could not protect me or herself from the constant abuse inflicted upon us. How do I cherish the memories of a mom who stood on the other side of the bedroom door listening to my hell? I don't know. What I do know is that I made the day special for me. It was all about me, my son and family moments. I thank God for blessing me to be a participant in the greatest journey on earth...being a mom. So I celebrate in the spirit of motherhood with all the moms of the world, who like me, adore what they do and who they do for.


Being a mom is why it's so very important to be the best me I can be. I can't wait to meet the healthier me. I can't wait to see what all that person can achieve. I can't wait to see how the new me influences my son. I can't imagine what it will be like to look into a mirror and finally see..."Me."


All of my Mother's day plans went well. We had all the foods that we liked and sipped on beverages of our choosing. The atmosphere was light and filled with laughter...just as it should be.


I was a little worried about having so much food prepared. I'm proud to say that I did not binge over the weekend. I didn't overdue it with the sweets or anything. I ate regular portions at appropriate times and it was all good. For the first time in my life I realize that can do this. I really can. I will not see failure. Commitment is solidly in place and change has already begun. The chain that binds is finally loosening. I will succeed.


I ate breakfast at 11:15am. I had one slice of rye bread with two mini quiche, two pieces of fish and a cup of coffee, decaf. Lunch will be more of the same without the bread or coffee. Instead I will have water with my lunch. Dinner will be jambalaya.

My Aha Moment

I had an aha moment yesterday. It came to me when I unexpectedly experienced a brief moment of mourning while celebrating an accomplishment. Whenever I can, I like to take a few quiet moments to reflect on the things I've been blessed to achieve in my day. I also like to check in with myself to see if I've been able to do a little better than yesterday. This is my way of making mental notes of progress and pitfalls. I find it beneficial to be fully aware of both.


There was a post that I wrote a few days ago. I spoke of deserving to feel good and how the negativity of others was weighing me down, sometimes making me feel guilty for feeling good. It's not always noticeable at first. To be honest I don't think the looming negativity became relevant in my conscious mind until I focused on getting out of my own negative space. That is when all other negativity started to surface and I find myself wanting to be rid of it. Negativity can seep into your conscious and fester like a disease. It can spread into every facet of your being if not careful. Be mindful of the negativity that surrounds you.


I celebrated moving out of a negative space, but in that moment of celebration I began to feel a sense of mourning, like the loss of an old acquaintance. That old acquaintance was my self-loathing. I mourned it because I recognized it leaving. It's been a part of me for so long. I knew it well and it was being replaced by positive feelings which I am not that familiar with. Question: Could this be why it's so hard for people to let go of the bad thing in their lives? Maybe because the bad things are what we are most familiar with and good things are not trusted to be everlasting.


That was my aha moment. I allowed myself to mourn the loss of a measure of negativity and I welcomed the good that settle in. The good is still here.


How do you cope with the bad things in your life? Do you deal with them? Ignore them? Bury them? Hold on to them?


Are you as frightened as I am to let go of the familiar? Do you embrace the good that you deserve or question its authenticity?


Have you ever found yourself in a moment of happiness only to face gripping fear of something terrible taking all of the happiness away?


You're not alone. I live with these questions and fears everyday. So know when that moment of goodness and truth comes in, take it for what it's worth and strive for more. When you find yourself celebrating accomplishing something wonderful, allow yourself to release the negativity that preceded it. Allow yourself to be free in that moment.


I did not binge last night. Breakfast was a little late today, around 11:30am. I had eggs with chicken and a large glass of water. I did not get around to eating lunch. For dinner I had red rice with veggies and smoked turkey sausage and a large glass of water. I will have a premeasured snack set aside for tonight if needed.


I wanting to focus a little more on weight loss and plan to do so, however I'm not strong enough for it to be a primary goal. It's too soon. I fear starving myself will come into play if I make my weight a focal point.


A good friend challenged me to try something different. I have recently made a commitment to try eating a slice of rye bread each morning for breakfast. I am not a fan of rye bread, but I'm willing to give it a shot. My understanding is that rye bread helps with weight loss, cholesterol, constipation and blood sugars. So, I'll be starting my new trend on Monday of next week. I'll let you know if I see any results. I will not post my weight, but I will let you know if I've lost any pounds and or ounces.

April 5, 2014

Confession: I had a small set back last night, a mini-binge. I don't know why. I was feeling good, not frustrated about anything or with anyone. It started with a can of pears in extra light syrup and then it went into a piece of chicken with a few okra and a couple spoons of mac-n-cheese. I topped it off with two lemon pudding cups. Now that I think about it, my trigger may have been having too many sweet options. I've been limiting my choices. Didn't think about it much other than noting how well I'd been doing. I don't feel bad about my mini-binge. It's definitely not the end of the world. I've since remove some of the foods of interest (give to a friend) so I can return to my new normal. I don't feel like another binge is waiting in the wings, but why tempt fate.


Life continues to be good. My production level is still high and I'm enjoying the accomplishments. I'll be going into the studio on Friday to finish recording my poem and I'm looking forward to Mother's day plans. It's something that we do every year. The day before Mother's day my dear friend (god sister) and her son (my godson) will pack their bags and join me and my son for an evening of great fun and delicious food.We will have cook our favorite foods, always including the boys favorites too. Everyone will have on their most comfortable clothing. If weather permits, we moms will perch ourselves on the front porch where we will nibble delicious fare and sip on homemade hard lemonade. More than likely, the kids will abandon us and adhere themselves to electronic devices. In the meantime, the soulful sound of oldies will be wafting through the air.


When evening comes we will gather in the den to watch a couple movies before retreating to our individual corners where we will surrender ourselves to peaceful slumber, having smiles on our faces and happy memories in our heads. The next day, all left overs are divided between us and my god sister and godson will return home. This has been our tradition for the past 4 years and something that we all look forward to.


It's getting late and I'm a little tired. I want to share an aha moment I had this morning, it will have to wait until tomorrow's post. Hope you all have a wonderful and peace filled night.


For breakfast I had my usual eggs with a little chicken on the side. Lunch was a sandwich I purchased while out and dinner is was left over chicken with okra and veggies. I will set aside a late night snack and hope not to binge.

April 4, 2014

I'm feeling a little unwanted and underappreciated right now. My understanding is this is a norm when you're raising a teenager. I don't mind so much, as I believe teens think parents are ancient and clueless.


I don't talk about my son much here because he is not the cause of my eating problem. My son is a source of joy and wonder. All thanks and praises be to God who saw me worthy to have and take care of this precious life. However, my precious one woke up a teenager one day and things began to change.


Today I went out to run a few short errands. While out I thought it would be nice to pick up some of my son's favorite chicken. Not to mention that I also got a few of his favorite treats from the grocery store. I got home, he helped with the groceries and then proceeded to isolate himself away from me. At first I talked myself out of taking it personal, but then I went in to my room which is right next to the den. My son recognized that I was going to be in my room for awhile. He turned off the tv and went into his room shutting, the door behind him. Okay, typical teen behavior...right?


I finished changing clothes and proceeded to go to my office to check my email before retreating to the kitchen. My office is across the hall from my son's room. Again, I must have invaded his space because he immediately retreated back to the den which is furthest from my office. By this time I started to take this behavior personally. Is this a big deal? No. But I wanted to get it off my chest because I have an issue with being unwanted and it felt a little like that today.


It didn't take me long to brush the feeling off. My son is not evil like my parents were. I know that he loves his mom and I also know that he cherishes his space. I'm glad that he is coming into his own. When raising a child on the spectrum, you don't always know what your going to get until the moment comes. In many ways, my son is not like the average teen, but in many ways he is and that's what makes him so unique. Ah, I get it now... Maybe that's why some people refer to being autistic as being a fruit salad...because you get something different in every bite. That makes sense.


Anyway, It's been a very good day. My son is still lovingly in the den. He did stop by to give me the sweetest kiss on the cheek. That's good enough for me. Take care my sweet one. Don't grow up too fast.


For breakfast I had eggs with cheese and a large glass of water. Lunch was a chicken sandwich. Dinner was pretty early, we ate at 5:30. I had two pieces of my son's favorite fried chicken, okra and mac-n-cheese with a med. strawberry soda. I've prepared a small fruit snack for later.