Peaks and Valleys

A new dawn arises and the journey begins again. As with most things there are peaks and valleys. I've certainly had my share on this journey. There is much growth and many blessings along the way. I muddle through the days, weeks and sometimes months when I cannot fully identify my feelings let alone put them into words. Silent screams are skillfully etching their way into existence through scared flesh and failing health. I scarcely allow myself to believe these days will soon pass. It is in moments like this when I thank God for gifting me the ability to give voice to that which lies deep within. 

I am grateful, I am humbled, I am hopeful, and I am not alone.

A few months ago I was talking to a dear friend. One who like me struggles with her weight. She's not had a lifelong struggle with food addiction though the struggle she does have feels like a lifetime. Many changes have happened over the years. Her health has take a turn for the worse, so now she finds herself in a fight for her life. She teeter totters between lifestyle changes and surgery. I encourage her to take on lifestyle changes. A quick fix like surgery where a large amount of weight is lost in an fairly short amount of time is not the way to go for someone who has not developed the ability to make the necessary healthy choices to get to and maintain a healthy weight.

I've spent the past few months encouraging my friend to take steps, even baby steps towards a healthier lifestyle. She pretty much fought me ever step of the way. I pull back and try again later. Finally something changes. She calls me to tell me that God has spoken to her. He told her it was time to let go and let Him do His will for her. Through tears she apologizes for giving me such a hard time and vows to do better as she continues to listens for the voice of God. I could not have been prouder, giving God praise and thanksgiving throughout the day.

It wasn't long, maybe a few weeks, before she calls to tell me about her doctor's appointment and her weight loss. Wow! She's doing really well. Keep up the good work, I say. A couple more weeks after that conversation she calls again to tell me of an even more significant drop in weight. Hmmm, I am happy for her, but not as happy as I should be. Self doubt creeps in as I question my own efforts. Yeah, I'm loosing weight, but not nearly at the rate she is. The green eyes of envy are present and accounted for. I sink into depression.

It's times like this that make me really hate being human.

Why do I feel this way? She has every right to be happy about her progress. She deserves it just like I deserve being happy about my progress. So, why am I not so happy anymore? I'm feeling defeated compounded by guilt for feeling defeated when I should be celebrating triumph with my friend. At a loss, I crawl into my hole and begin to lick my wounds. Silence has taken over again.

I emerge feeling somewhat better yet still bitter and I begin to write. As I write, I pray for passion though I'm loosing what little passion I have for the cause. I ask God to take away the heaviness of my heart having no intention of ever sharing what I really feel. Funny, God had something else in mind. He lessoned the heaviness in my heart and He rekindled my passion for writing, but He will not allow the screams to be silenced. No matter what I write, how upbeat I want to be, or how much I try to encourage, it is all for naught until I come clean; sharing my truth in it's entirety.

Here it is... I'm a little pissed off that my friend is loosing weight faster than I am and she seems to be doing it so effortlessly now that she's making some effort. I on the other hand have been fighting this fight for almost 4 years and have not lost as much as she has in a few weeks. Am I jealous...YES. I know I shouldn't be nor do I want to be. I just am. This too shall pass like every other negative thing in my way. I'm always waiting for something to pass. My life is filled with stop and goes...yes and no's, please and thank you and whatever else get's me through the day.

I look in the mirror to see only a little change, though I'm exercising nearly everyday. My pantry is filled with  healthy foods and fresh veggies that I prepare daily. They are accompanied by lean meats, whole grains, fresh fruits, a little healthy fat and of course my daily vitamin. I pray every morning, every night and throughout the day for strength to keep it up. And then... She makes it look so easy.

[Breathe]

I needed to get that off my chest. Now that I've had my rant I also want to say that I realize my journey is a long journey. I am 50 and have been suffering with an eating disorder for over 40 years. It's not going to change overnight. I know this.

Reality...

My metabolism is nearly dead, well very low. The fact that I have been able to and continue to lose weight is nothing short of a miracle. At my worse, I gained 100 pound in less than a year because the binging was so severe. Most of that weight is gone. I'm several pounds away from the weight I was before that dreadful year. I have been blessed beyond and back.

So what if I feel a little stupid for being jealous. I'll get over that. Just like I've gotten over so many other things. The truth is, no matter what my truth is in that moment I need to own it and move past it. The lesson I learned today was to never allow a momentary blur take away all of the progress I have made. Nor will I allow it to stop me from encouraging a loved one who needs it.

I recognize my blessings and I move forward in them. One step at a time, one day at a time, one triumph at a time.

Peaks and valleys will always come and go. What's most important? Not so much the fight it takes to get from one point to the other as it is to recognize what the peaks and valleys offer. They offer vital information and the growth needed to sustain us. Peaks and valleys force us to take pause, make mental check lists, reflect and deflect, regroup and get prepared for the next phase of our journey.

Galatians 5:22 (KJV) - But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

Romans 5:3-4 (NIV)

³ Not only so, but we^[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope.

I release the jealousy and envy I once had regarding the weight loss of my dear friend. I will celebrate her triumphs and mine.

I pray for the strength to continue and the ability to endure.

A Sweet Treat Without Defeat

I've been struggling with craving sweets since a few days before Thanksgiving and I've been good about not having sweets in the house. That is no sweets that I'd really want. So I applaud myself for not making all kinds of excuses to have sweets because it's the season. Question, what do you do when you just want a little something sweet? How do you know if or when you can give in to a craving and stop at one serving? Well, you don't know...at least I didn't.

Last night the cravings were unbearable, almost to the point of debilitating. I couldn't focus on anything. It was a miserable time. Against my better judgment, I printed a recipe for rice pudding and made it. It was a simple recipe for a small amount. I'm praying really hard to be able to eat a little and stop. I'm scared... Something has to give.

I'm not recommending that any of you doing this. This is my trial...my story. 

As the pudding bakes I notice that I'm feeling less agitated. Calm, but still on guard. The timer goes off. It' done. Now for the moment of truth. Will I or won't I. I placed the pudding on the counter to cool for a few minutes. As it cools I continue piddling, praying and hoping for the best. Either way, I need relief.

With plate and spoon in tow, I gently carve out the freshly backed morsels. It looks good...smells good. I serve myself a small portion of about 4 tablespoons. I eat. It tastes good. I wait, giving my body time to communicate with my mind. More importantly, time for my mind to realize that I am satisfied. I just hope my mind agrees with the rest of me. I continue to wait.

Time for a glass of water and to wash my dishes. I don't feel the craving for sweets anymore, but there is a small mental suggestion to get a little more. I take down a plastic container and a table spoon and begin preparing the dish for the fridge. All the while, there's still a small suggestion to get a little more.  I continue spooning the pudding into the plastic container until there was only 1 tablespoon left in the baking dish. Quick...get the lid on the container and put this pudding away. Don't waist any time and don't look back. Done.

The baking dish still sits on the counter with one spoon of pudding left behind. I'll eat that and my mind will have to be satisfied. Please...let my mind be satisfied.

As the evening went on, I got ready for bed. There's still the slightest desire to get a little more pudding. I think to myself. "No way! I'm done...no more food until tomorrow." Off to bed... Another good night under my belt. Well done.

Pleasant dreams. 

By the way, today I had a serving of rice pudding after dinner tonight. My son didn't like the pudding so that leaves one last serving for tomorrow. I'll have a quiet celebration then. In the meantime, moving forward. Onward and Upward!

A Trip to the Grocery Store

Just getting back from the grocery store. I'm pretty stoked. Been craving sweets for the past few days and doing well with it because I do not have sweets in the house, except a half gallon of frozen vanilla yogurt which is by no means a trigger for my ED.

I only needed a few items and was careful to make a list so I would not have to linger in the store too long. It never fails, I always have that sinking feeling that I've forgotten something no matter how many times I check my list and I usually walk around the store just in case the illusive item comes to mind. I couldn't do that tonight. My cravings for sugar are so strong right now that I'd better not take the chance worrying about a possibly forgotten item. I probably don't need it anyway. Better for me to get out of the store as soon as possible or else a bag of sweets will surely be brought home tonight accompanied by the excuse of purchasing it for my son. If only my son knew how many bags of candy I've purchased for him that he never got. Well, at least it saved him a few extra trips to the dentist.

Time to get to the register. I'm making tracks while checking my list several time. It looks like I've gotten all of the items. A quick right turn and the checkout line is just ahead. Then...it happens. Argh! The mind is a terrible thing sometimes... I'm almost at the register, just gotta get around the chip display and then...my basket comes to a screeching halt. Their I am standing at the end of the dreaded candy isle. [Deep breath] Ok...do I turn left to go to the candy isle or do I go straight to checkout.

Do....I....turn...left.........OR........Do....I....go....straight.

I stood there holding up traffic and then I kept standing there until I made myself go straight to the checkout line. The safest one is the line with no candy. I think grocery stores did that for parent's sake so they don't have to endure their kids begging for candy while waiting to check out. They'll never know how much of a blessing it is to have the candyless checkout lines. Thank you for doing that.

I made it home. Groceries in tow and no candy in sight. Thank God!!

By the way, I did very well last night. After I published my post I piddled around the house getting everything tidy for a fresh start tomorrow. Went into the kitchen to wash dishes and saw a Bojangles bag on the table. I opened it to see if there was anything in the bad that needed to be put up. There in a smaller bag was the container for a family sized fry. Most of the fries were gone, only a few left in the bottom. Before I could help myself, I stuffed three of the fries into my mouth. I sighed and rolled my eyes. How in the world can I be so careless. I tossed the container with the remaining fries into the trash. My fear is that I might have triggered myself into a night long battle of wills. Me vs. My Mind.

Several hours have gone by, it's just about 5am. I know...I'm an insomniac. Can't help it. Sleepiness was finally setting in when the seemingly benign little voice tells me to get a bite to eat. Usually that last hour before I actually fall asleep is the most difficult hour for me. That is when the need to feed really steps up. I'm usually very tired and my mind tells me that I need to eat in order to sleep. And if I want to sleep bad enough I tend to give in. One small serving can easily lead to another small serving and so on. Right now, I take a vow to forsake a few hours sleep to allow my body to move into sleep mode naturally. I've got to retrain my brain into believing that I can go to sleep without eating. I went to bed and fell fast asleep. Another hurdle met face on. I hope I can be as successful tonight.

For dinner we are having brown rice served with turkey hash and chopped greens...no dessert.


 

A Little Something For You

Hi there, I want to share a little something with you before I go to bed. It's late here...1:15am, so I'm going to tidy up a bit and call it a night. 

Last night I had gotten real hungry. I ate a small snack of leftover turkey and a handful of plain unsalted chips. Yeah, I wanted more, but I didn't eat more. I went straight to bed and prayed for sleep. Last night was a successful night.

Today was a very good day and tonight has been good also. No cravings or hunger so far. I just hope I can get to sleep soon.

Anyway, I was thinking of you guys and found this video to share.

Keeping you all in my prayers.

Goodnight...

The Day After

It's the day after Thanksgiving and I'm doing well. I did not binge last night nor have I starved myself today. I was exhausted. I did have one small craving for something as I was getting ready for bed. I did not eat anything and went straight to bed. 

My plan to avoid cooking foods that trigger my binges was successful. And I cooked enough to share with friends and family as well as have leftovers for a couple days. Just finished a plate not that long ago and I am quite satisfied.

The sun is setting. This is the time urges to begin feeding or hording foods for a later feed begin. I don't feel the urge to do that today. In all actuality, I've been doing pretty well for the past few weeks. There were a couple nights I had a late night snack, but no binging. The urges were still there and that's what lead to the snack. The rest was sheer determination not to keep going back for more snacks.

I think one of the biggest hurdle for me was emotional attachment to eating. I'm so glad to be past that now. It's not been that long. I should have written it down. A couple weeks ago during my prayer time while reflecting on the things God has brought me through, I realized the emotional attachment to my binging was gone. I did have a small binge once or twice a few months prior. It was different. I wasn't upset about anything or plagued with memories from the past. Actually, I was in a very pleasant mood but felt a strong need to eat after a certain hour.

I realized that feeding has taken on a more habitual feel. Kind of like being an alcoholic and taking that first drink after being on the wagon for a while. Well during late night hours I need not put a morsel in my mouth nor should I watch any cooking shows. Once I walked by my son's snack bowl. He had a few goldfish in it, so I grabbed a couple, popped them in my mouth and went into my room. Immediately I knew I should not have don't that. Instantly, my mind went straight into the kitchen to roam the cabinets and pantry on a search for something else to eat. I ate a couple snack that night, regretfully so. It's amazing what eating 1 or 2 goldfish can do.

The little voice inside my head doesn't try to discourage eating during the day anymore. I can eat freely without feeling the urge to restrict. However, the little voice makes up for it's daytime absence during nighttime hours. As soon as the sun sets the little voice kicks in attempting to sabotage my plan to exercise. Periodically I'd hear, "I don't want to exercise.", "It's getting late and I'm tired. I can exercise tomorrow.", "I've done a lot of walking while cleaning and running errands, that should be enough. No need to exercise." I heard these discouraging words every evening for the past month or so. I don't fight it. I don't even acknowledge it. I just go on with what I'm doing and at the end of the day I still exercise. My mind is not going to get the better of me.

Last night was different. After two days of going to bed around 7am and getting up to continue cleaning and cooking, I wanted to rest. I was physically too tired to do anything else. I needed to sit for a while and do nothing. I hobbled into my room, slightly hunched over, feet burning, legs wobbly and arm hanging heavily at my sides. All I could think about was how good it was going to feel to plop down on my bed and do nothing. I looked at the area where I usually exercise and thought, "I just can't do it. Not tonight." My feet were too tired to walk in place. My arms too tired to do anything. Suddenly another thought crossed my mind, "Your waist isn't tired. Try a few sit ups." Huh. Where did that come from? Usually I only hear words of discouragement. Who would have thought in this moment of pure exhaustion I'd hear encouragement. Hmmm. So I did a few sit-up and then hobbled over to by bed. I felt better and I felt proud that I was able to still do something just for me. It was nice.

Yesterday's dinner was turkey, dressing made with gluten free cornbread, green beans sautéed with tomatoes and shrimp, greens and roasted potatoes and butternut squash. I did not make a desert. I didn't want to and we didn't miss it. I may make a little something this weekend. A couple muffins, no glaze or frosting just plain. That will be a nice little treat for us.

Last night I was working on a post that I published around 1am or so. It was my first post with audio. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to do it, because I did not know how to get the audio to play within the post. And I was afraid. Kind of weirded out about hearing my voice, well really about you guys hearing my voice. I'm past that now since posting it. I'd like to do more audio only this time I'd like to just talk and see what happens. I don't know. One of the things I am working on is being more committed to the things that I say I want to do or are going to do. Procrastination is one of my biggest downfalls. So as I become more committed to self that also includes being committed to the things that I want to accomplish in life...everything.

I'm feeling stronger...getting better.

I hope you're having a great day and I hope you have an even better tomorrow. Take care. Talk to you soon.

Thanksgiving Day is over

Hey,

It's 12:32am, my time. You might be asleep already. Just thought I'd check in. Thanksgiving Day is over. How are you doing?

Were you able to do okay better?

I hope no one made references to your weight or size. I hope no one comment on how much or how little you ate or even worse watch every morsel you put in your mouth or in a napkin. Try not to internalize it. A new hour is coming and if that's not enough....tomorrow is another day and a new beginning. Don't give up.

On a better note...

Perhaps things went well today. You managed to eat a small meal while with family and friends. You might have resisted the urge to purge at least once. That's a start. Baby steps, right...

OR

Perhaps the hours are ticking away...it's getting late. You are able to dig deep within yourself finding courage and inner strength to fight the urge to binge. Don't worry about the rest of the night. Give thanks for the moment and move forward.

Depending on where you are in your journey, try not to measure triumphs by days and weeks...not now. There will be plenty time for that as you get further along. It's easier to feel encouraged with every hour you're able successfully manage cravings and urges. And the successful hours will add up. Before you know it, you will have succeeded days, weeks, months and even years. It's a process and the process takes time.

Take it slow. [inhale/exhale]  Breath...

In the meantime, do you have something you can be doing...something that gives you enjoyment?  Reading, writing, journaling, listening to music or  singing?

What about a long hot bath?

You might want to try meditating on your affirmations.

And if you do...

As you meditate try this...

As you're lying, sitting or walking (you can walk during meditation), breath slowly in and out. Clear your mind and imagine seeing words of your affirmation around you or hovering over you. With every inhale you're drawing those positive words deep inside of you. Deeper and deeper with each breath the positive words begin to push the negative words out of you. 

Give yourself permission to let the negative words go and watch them float far, far and even farther  away. Keep doing this until all of the negative words that you see are gone.

Do this exercise as often as you feel you need. Give it a couple tries. It may take a couple times before it feels comfortable to you. And you may want to try meditating in different ways to see what works best for you. It's all about you.

Anyway, I hope you sleep well tonight.

Be encouraged. You are worth the fight.

A Quick Note

Hi everyone,

I hope everything is going well for you during this holiday season. I know the holidays can be very difficult when having or recovering from an eating disorder. I want to share with you a few things that I am doing to help myself get through the season.

Don't worry about tomorrow. Focus on today and try to find as many things as possible to be thankful for...even the small things...especially the small things.


For my issues with Binging

1. Give myself affirmations throughout the day and night.

2. Be aware of foods that trigger binging. Do not have them in the house. Instead have quick healthy snacks like fresh fruits and veggies. Make a light dip using low fat dip for your veggies. Drink plenty water.

3. Continue with meal plan. Avoid cooking too many dishes. Make 1 desert and keep it simple. I'm making sweet potato muffins, no frosting. They are easy to bake and I can leave a few out and freeze the rest.

4. My side dishes for the meal are mostly green veggies. Only on starchy dish and that is going to be roasted potatoes and butternut squash.

4. Avoid sugary treats and side dishes. Sugars can trigger cravings.

5. Eat regular portions sizes. Try not to overeat and avoid having too many leftovers laying around. Having fewer cooked foods lying around is a sure fire way for me to avoid having several midnight snacks.

6. I try very hard to make sure I have eaten sufficiently before sunset. Late night is when cravings tend to be most aggressive.


For Daytime Anorexia

1. Sometimes it's overwhelming when vising relatives and friends during the holidays. There's always so much food, more than I can stand to be around. Usually I have a meal already measured out for me at home. While I'm out I can select a little something to eat so not to be rude. I am comforted by the fact that I already have a pre-measured meal waiting. That way I don't have to overthink it. Having to think about food too much can also mess with my appetite.

2. Keep my same eating schedule. If I have to wait until after I eat to go out, I will. Better than skipping a meal and possibly avoiding it later.

3. Here is where I may plug in a few tips from the previous list... :-)

These are just a few of the things I try do daily, but especially during the  holidays. I wish holidays weren't so food focused.

I hope these tips help. If you have any tips of your own, please share them here. Thank you.

Be strong...

Give it your best shot...

Don't beat yourself up if you slip...

Keep trying...

A little goes a long way...

 

Don't give up!