The Day After

It's the day after Thanksgiving and I'm doing well. I did not binge last night nor have I starved myself today. I was exhausted. I did have one small craving for something as I was getting ready for bed. I did not eat anything and went straight to bed. 

My plan to avoid cooking foods that trigger my binges was successful. And I cooked enough to share with friends and family as well as have leftovers for a couple days. Just finished a plate not that long ago and I am quite satisfied.

The sun is setting. This is the time urges to begin feeding or hording foods for a later feed begin. I don't feel the urge to do that today. In all actuality, I've been doing pretty well for the past few weeks. There were a couple nights I had a late night snack, but no binging. The urges were still there and that's what lead to the snack. The rest was sheer determination not to keep going back for more snacks.

I think one of the biggest hurdle for me was emotional attachment to eating. I'm so glad to be past that now. It's not been that long. I should have written it down. A couple weeks ago during my prayer time while reflecting on the things God has brought me through, I realized the emotional attachment to my binging was gone. I did have a small binge once or twice a few months prior. It was different. I wasn't upset about anything or plagued with memories from the past. Actually, I was in a very pleasant mood but felt a strong need to eat after a certain hour.

I realized that feeding has taken on a more habitual feel. Kind of like being an alcoholic and taking that first drink after being on the wagon for a while. Well during late night hours I need not put a morsel in my mouth nor should I watch any cooking shows. Once I walked by my son's snack bowl. He had a few goldfish in it, so I grabbed a couple, popped them in my mouth and went into my room. Immediately I knew I should not have don't that. Instantly, my mind went straight into the kitchen to roam the cabinets and pantry on a search for something else to eat. I ate a couple snack that night, regretfully so. It's amazing what eating 1 or 2 goldfish can do.

The little voice inside my head doesn't try to discourage eating during the day anymore. I can eat freely without feeling the urge to restrict. However, the little voice makes up for it's daytime absence during nighttime hours. As soon as the sun sets the little voice kicks in attempting to sabotage my plan to exercise. Periodically I'd hear, "I don't want to exercise.", "It's getting late and I'm tired. I can exercise tomorrow.", "I've done a lot of walking while cleaning and running errands, that should be enough. No need to exercise." I heard these discouraging words every evening for the past month or so. I don't fight it. I don't even acknowledge it. I just go on with what I'm doing and at the end of the day I still exercise. My mind is not going to get the better of me.

Last night was different. After two days of going to bed around 7am and getting up to continue cleaning and cooking, I wanted to rest. I was physically too tired to do anything else. I needed to sit for a while and do nothing. I hobbled into my room, slightly hunched over, feet burning, legs wobbly and arm hanging heavily at my sides. All I could think about was how good it was going to feel to plop down on my bed and do nothing. I looked at the area where I usually exercise and thought, "I just can't do it. Not tonight." My feet were too tired to walk in place. My arms too tired to do anything. Suddenly another thought crossed my mind, "Your waist isn't tired. Try a few sit ups." Huh. Where did that come from? Usually I only hear words of discouragement. Who would have thought in this moment of pure exhaustion I'd hear encouragement. Hmmm. So I did a few sit-up and then hobbled over to by bed. I felt better and I felt proud that I was able to still do something just for me. It was nice.

Yesterday's dinner was turkey, dressing made with gluten free cornbread, green beans sautéed with tomatoes and shrimp, greens and roasted potatoes and butternut squash. I did not make a desert. I didn't want to and we didn't miss it. I may make a little something this weekend. A couple muffins, no glaze or frosting just plain. That will be a nice little treat for us.

Last night I was working on a post that I published around 1am or so. It was my first post with audio. I wasn't sure if I'd be able to do it, because I did not know how to get the audio to play within the post. And I was afraid. Kind of weirded out about hearing my voice, well really about you guys hearing my voice. I'm past that now since posting it. I'd like to do more audio only this time I'd like to just talk and see what happens. I don't know. One of the things I am working on is being more committed to the things that I say I want to do or are going to do. Procrastination is one of my biggest downfalls. So as I become more committed to self that also includes being committed to the things that I want to accomplish in life...everything.

I'm feeling stronger...getting better.

I hope you're having a great day and I hope you have an even better tomorrow. Take care. Talk to you soon.