I haven't been around much, but I'm doing well.
How are you doing? I hope that you had a good Summer and Fall. Summer was a little lack luster for us, but still pleasant in a peaceful sort of way. We've been doing well. I don't know if I told you, but we've gone gluten free. The transition started back in April of this year. My son has adjusted well to the change. There's only one thing, he can't let go of the goldfish crackers. They are his all time favorite snack. I wish I could find a good substitute, but there really isn't one. I'm thinking of creating my own version of his favorite snack, even if I have to bake small batches several times a week.
My son has not seized since going gluten free. He still has gut issues, but the seizures have ceased, at least for now and his gut issues are not as bad as they were before. He's taking a very low dose of Trileptal, which is a seizure medication. The only side effect that he's experiencing is sleepiness within an hour or two after taking the medication. The sleepiness is welcomed for night time, but not so much during the day.
I've read a couple articles claiming gluten free diets have no impact on behavioral issues in autistic children. I don't know about that. I do know that there are many parents out there who swear by gluten free living and have seen noticeable to tremendous change in their child's behaviors and moods since going gluten free. I am one of those parents. No matter what articles are written, I can tell you from personal experience that the benefits of going gluten free far out-way the rhetoric of naysayers.
How have you been doing with your eating? My hope is that you are getting better. It takes time to get past ED (Eating Disorder). Don't beat yourself up if you are still struggling. I'm struggle too. Even with the struggles I have made great improvements and you can too. Don't give up. I know it is especially hard this time of year which is one of the reasons I felt a sense of urgency to begin writing again, letting you know I'm still making strides and I'm still here with you.
I've had a couple binges since my last post in February. They weren't big binges, but binges nonetheless. Night time hunger is one of the hardest things for me to beat. I once described the urge to binge as a dark shadow looming over me. It's as though this dark shadow has control over me, literally willing me to go to the kitchen to feed. I voiced concerns about my inability to combat this dark shadow. Despite the fact I was having difficulties with night feeding, I knew it was time to embrace the next step...exercise. I don't now if you remember, I tried to start a routine several months ago and failed miserably. I just wasn't able to keep it up. So I put that effort away until I became stronger and better equipped to face it.
Do you ever feel like the control you once had has spiraled out of control? I can't speak for everyone. For me, my eating met several needs. There was the need for physical comfort which I did not have and there was a need to gain some control over my life which I also didn't have. I wanted to hurt my parents for hurting me and so by hurting myself I thought they would eventually feel sorry for me and maybe even feel some since of remorse. Maybe they would realize how their bad parenting was affecting me. Obviously it did not work. The sad thing is... I came up with this notion as a child and still believed it would someday work as an adult. By the time I realized that my "plan" was not working I was already in way too deep...40 years deep to be exact. Okay. That realization came 8 years ago when my parents died. Wow! Has it been that long? I didn't realize it until this moment. I guess I have come along way, but it's also been a long time.
I've been actively trying to combat ED for 6 years and have been in therapy for 3. Please forgive me, I'm just realizing the timeframe for this process and that I'm still in the process of healing. Wow.
Okay, clearing the mind and getting back on task. I realized that the dark shadow known as ED also has a voice. ED likes to tell me what to do. It tells me that I don't want to eat when I should eat. It tells me to eat when I shouldn't eat. It tells me what and how much to eat and so on.
I started exercising on August 22. Yes! I marked it on my calendar. I circle everyday that I exercise, missing only a couple days here and there. So far I've missed 4 days in September, 1 day in October and 1 day so far in November. That is excellent for me. I have already given myself a pat on the back and an A for effort :-) Moving forward...
You might be wondering why I'm not taking more days off like exercising 5-6 days per week and taking 1-2 days off. If I were strong enough and disciplined enough to do so I would, but I'm not. ED is an opportunist. ED resides in my mind and is always looking for any opportunity to stunt my ability to succeed in overcoming it. At this point I cannot allow my mind to rest on an option of having any amount of set days to take off. If I allow it to settle on a certain day or number of days to take off the voice of ED will become stronger, insisting that I take even more days off. This has been my experience in the past and why I have yet to successfully maintain a healthier lifestyle. I can't give ED any leeway.
By the way, I've picked up some of my methods from reading Life Without Ed, by Jenni Schaefer, which I have yet to finish. I do want to give a review of this book, even if everyone has already read it. I guess it comes down to my wanting to complete this goal, if for no one other than myself. It's just that important to me.
Sometimes it's difficult for me to want to exercise. Other times is seems to be as natural as breathing. One morning, about a 3 weeks into exercising, I heard a voice inside my head saying, "I don't want to exercise today." I thought to myself, that's not how I feel. Lies you tell." I AM going to exercise today and YOU can't stop me. I sat in my favorite prayer chair and asked God to give me the strength not to give in to my mind. Then I stood up and walk into my room and began to exercise. Tears stream down my face as I continue praying for strength, determined more than ever to not give up. I didn't give up. I did a full workout and I added a couple extra reps...just because. For the first time, I stood up to the voice inside my head. The voice that has given me so much misery all these years. Always telling me I'm not good enough and I'm too fat. How many times have I stood in the mirror listening to that voice tell me I was ugly. That I was so unattractive no decent man would ever want me. Yep, that's the one. I walked away victorious and I knew if I was able to stand up to that voice once, I would stand up to it again. Let the games begin!!!
It wasn't long after that glorious moment that I also discovered my night time feedings were no longer attached to my emotions, but rather a habit that I needed to break. That's pretty much where I stand today. I'm working on breaking the habit of snacking or placing anything in my mouth after a certain time. It's difficult right now...no matter. This too shall pass.
"That which is difficult for me today, will no be as difficult for me tomorrow."
"In every failure their is a path towards success."
These are two of my quotes. I say these quote to myself whenever things get difficult or I want to quit. I believe that anything I try to do today that is difficult for me to achieve will be less difficult for me tomorrow because I would have gained a little more knowledge and maybe even a little more ability. Besides, tomorrow is another day and a fresh new beginning.Oh, I almost forgot. I am proud to report that I have lost weight. As promised, I will not give numbers. I just wanted to share my joy and surprise. I've only weighed once so far. I may weigh in again in another month or so. My goals are not centered around loss of pounds. I only have two goals to be honest. They are to exercise at least 20 minutes everyday, increasing slowly over time and to be healthier and look better in my clothes in two years. That's it.
Well, I'm going to call it a night. I've just finished my dinner and I'm ready to clean up and relax a little. For dinner tonight we had pan seared boneless, skinless chicken thighs, roasted potatoes and butternut squash and a salad. It was delicious and my son enjoyed it also.
Take care my friends.
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