Trusting God: Seeing the Positives

 

 

 

I typically get very anxious when things change suddenly, especially when the changes interrupt routine for a considerable amount of time.

 

 

Last Thursday night I was sitting at my computer working on a couple blog posts and eating a bowl of soup. The soup was delicious I might add, even though my son may beg to differ. I'd been accomplishing many good things and handling negatives better than usual. I'd been uploading transcription software and defragging my computer so it could run a little faster. Everything was moving right along. I decide to reboot my computer and get another bowl of soup. When I returned to my computer the monitor was black. I turned it off, waited 10 seconds and turned it back on. Nothing. I reach over to press the "On" key on my computer. Nothing. I check power connections and tried again...still nothing. Oh no, my computer is dead. All I could think about was the work I would not be able to finish before deadline.

 

Crap! What am I supposed to do now? I call my computer guru, hoping he'd answer. He didn't. I left my desperate plea and hoped to hear from him soon. Rather than continuing to sit at my desk stewing about the loss of my computer, I decided to close up shop and do some housework. It was pretty early in the evening which meant I was going to get a good head start on my nightly routine. Before getting deep into my housework I stopped for a moment to pray. There's something about spending time with God that seems to make everything be okay. I like spending time with God. I like telling Him about my day. I know He already knows, but I like telling to Him anyway. I started off telling Him about my computer and then I stopped...and began to give thanks. I don't like starting a conversation with complaints. Several minutes go by, you would have thought I'd found enough things to be thankful for, but I the more I thanked Him for the more gratitude I felt. Before I knew it, I was thanking God for shutting down my computer, a thing which would have rattled me to my core in the past. Instead of being rattled, I was joyful. I felt free.

 

Later on as my chores came to a close, I found myself thinking about the peace that I felt and how odd it was for me to feel that way. Odd indeed. How could I rejoice over the loss of my computer? Am I going mad? I let the dog out and went into my room to exercise. While exercising I began thinking of the many things that I've wanted to accomplish, but have not because I was at my computer. Hmm, I don't have that excuse right now. Guess I'd better get to getting it... Before I knew it I had plans on deep cleaning my house, activities with my son, outings with friends and so on. My goodness, I didn't realize there were so many other things I've let slip through the cracks because I'm always working on the next project. I wound never have figure that out without the loss of my computer.

 

God answers prayers. It wasn't a week ago when I asked God to help me be able to accomplish more in my day. I also asked Him to help me live a better quality life. Seems I was always working. I can't rest for thinking of things that I think will make our lives better. I wasn't accomplishing enough and frankly speaking I don't feel like I have the energy to do much more. I'm thankful for what I've been able to accomplish, but it's short lived by the guilt I feel for not doing more when I know there is more to be done. More than I sometimes care to think about. Could it be that this turn of events was an answer to my prayers? All evidence seems to point to that. Time to be still so I can receive God's grace.

 

I am super stoked that I was able to find the part I needed for my computer and able to install it myself. Now that my computer is up and running, I can't help but recognize that I have been freed from the chains that bind. I will continue working on my various projects, however, I have learned to see and embrace the bigger picture. I'm looking forward to living a new life having the ability to be apart from my computer without anxiety and guilt tagging along.  

 

The best part...my computer being down did not send me spiraling into depression. I did not have an urge to self-sooth by way of binging. My life is really taking a turn for the better as my trust in God and my ability to see positives in adversity grow stronger.

 

One more thing...

 

I apologize to my patient son who simply smiles as he closes his bedroom door to muffle the sounds of me clicking away on my keyboard. You have been more than kind. You even taught me how to lovingly deal with that which makes me uncomfortable. I thank you for that. I stand in awe as I become more aware of the wisdom that dwells within your silence. Love you Boo-boo. 

Making Progress

Wow! Time is really getting away from me. I can't believe Christmas is next week and the week after we are looking at a brand new year. I'm not going to ask about New Year's resolutions because I don't believe in them. I refuse to start a new year like that. I prefer easing into my year being thankful and hopeful.

How have you been? I'm doing well. My son is doing well also. We've been busy. I came across an acting class for people having disabilities in our local area. How cool is that?! I called the person who is giving the class to find out a few details. After talking it seemed that the class is a very nice class, but not quite what my son needs. That's cool, he's got some other stuff going that is working well for him. I'm actually excited to get him ready for day school which he will start when he's 18. What a relief it is to have a plan for him while he transitions into adulthood. There are so many parents that do not have a concrete plan for their children once they graduate or age out of high school. Fortunately we are involved with a wonderful service provider that created their day school a couple years ago and it is really taking off. They've just recently added yoga classes in addition to all of their other classes. We have two years before he begins and looking forward to it.

Back to calling about the acting class. Even though it was not a perfect fit for my son, there is still some general interest. I also had a very exiting conversation with the instructor and ended up sharing some of my poetry with her. She loved it! I'm so stoked. Shortly after Christmas my son and I are going to see her and one of her friends performing at a local coffee house. I can't tell you the last time we've done that. Wait, let me think...my son might have been 7 or 8...maybe... It's been a long time. I'm exited and looking forward do getting back into the arts and artsy culture. Time to get out of my shell and embrace life again.

Speaking of time. Some days I look at my son and I can't believe how fast the time has gone. One minute I'm worrying about having a healthy pregnancy and the next I'm helping my baby transition into adulthood. Okay, enough of that before I start getting emotional.

Things are going very well with my planned snack attack. Yes indeed! Let's see it is the 16th. I started preparing premeasured snacks on the 7th/8th. I sort of started on the 7th, but was better prepared by the 8th. Had to get some apples and come up with a food plan that did not have triggers in case I wanted to use some of the leftovers for my snack.

So for so good, folks! The first couple night I ate my prepared snack and wanted a little bit more. I didn't fret about it because I was satisfied and contented by the fact that I was not stressing anymore about food intake at night. The next couple nights I ate my prepared snack and was satisfied with just that. I'm doing good and looking forward to doing better. On the 4th, 5th and 6th night I did not eat my prepared snack. Nights 5 and 6 I actually had a snack prepared and on the counter, instantly ready if needed. I did my normal nightly activities of straightening up the house, giving meds, letting out the dog, prayer time, exercise and so on. As the bewitching hour came I noticed that I was not craving food of any kind. As a matter of fact I waiting an additional 30 minutes or so just to see if I would have a craving. Silly I know, but I had to see for myself. I never had the craving and I was getting sleepy which is difficult for me to do unless I've eaten something or I stay up until exhausted (yet another way of trying to combat the need to feed at night). Needless to say on those nights I put my snacks back and gladly ate them for lunch the following day.

I'm feeling pretty confident, but I'm not letting my guard all the way down because we are fast approaching Christmas which is another holiday filled with tempting triggers. I'm going to stick to my guns and plan another healthy meal. A few simple and delicious items should do. I don't think I will make a desert this time. We really didn't miss having desert Thanksgiving. I doubt we will miss it for Christmas. Besides, I can purchase a couple candy canes and leave it at that. Hard candy has never been a trigger for me. Chocolate on the other hand... I'll just leave that alone.

It feels good to be much more comfortable at night. For the last two nights I've been going to bed unusually late. I mean almost at the crack of dawn late. Monday I went to bed around 5:30 am and Tuesday 6:40 something. I'm not sure why I'm not able to fall asleep. I do not feel sad or depressed. I did have a crazy anxiety filled dream a few mornings ago. It kind of messed with me, but I've since gotten over it. I think I have. And I also have a few more memories creeping in from may past, but I am quickly purging those memories into poetry. So I don't know. I feel good and I hope I can get to sleep earlier tonight.

Oh, I almost forgot. I have started exercising an additional 10-15 minutes during the day, not everyday yet, but soon. I really enjoyed it today and will work harder to carve that time out during the day more consistently. Of course, I will have my workout tonight since that is my special treat.

Okay that's pretty much it for me. Tonight for dinner I made a quick stove top version of tuna casserole with a little extra tuna and sweet peas and a simple salad. It was delicious.  

Hugs to you all. Goodnight.

A Quick Note: I'm liking The Change

Hey! I just wanted to check-in after last night. I continue to feel a great since of relief. Everything went well. I put a pre-measured snack in the fridge and went on with my night. I even smiled the entire time I worked out.

I did get hungry and I ate my snack, but the great thing is I didn't feel the need to go back and get more. I don't know why it is, but my mind seems to be satisfied knowing there's a little treat available. Typically during late night hours my mind roams the kitchen cabinets and pantry looking for comforting foods to eat like chips, pasta or something sweet. My cravings for sweets can be specific at times, however my bodies need for sugar is relentless. What does that mean? My body cravings for sugar is not always specific to something sweet, rather my body is looking for empty carbs which quickly break down into sugars. It's a great help not having these types of foods readily available late night. I do cook pasta and rice dishes occasionally. When I do, I know not to cook anymore than what will be consumed for the meal or else it becomes a strong trigger later on that night.

I tell yah, last night was a real wake up call for me. I didn't realize how much the stress of avoiding food late night was affecting me in other ways. I've been consistently exercising for at least 30 minutes at the end of my day which is usually around 2-3AM. About a week ago I started toying with the idea of increasing exercise by adding an additional 15 minutes during the day. I wasn't able to implement it because I'd lost heart. I could not muster up the energy to eve attempt to increase my exercise because I was stressing so much about eating at night. I had gotten to the point of having to avoid walking through the kitchen at night or seeing food items on TV. I could hardly stand to see my son's goldfish snack that he loves so much. I was a mess. Every effort to do right was becoming a form of imprisonment. It wasn't good.

Are some of you wondering why I exercise so late at night? It's simple. In the course of learning to love myself and becoming more committed to self and the goal of getting healthier, exercise became somewhat of a treat. I would even go so far as to say a reward. I like to feel accomplished at the end of the day. Whether my day is a little lack luster or filled with satisfying accomplishments, exercise has become the cherry on top so to speak. It relaxes me and I feel even better about myself when I'm done. It's a win-win situation.

Increasing my exercise during the day is another step towards fulfilling one of my main goals which is to increase my metabolism. I believe increasing my exercise regimen will help me to increase metabolism especially since I'm trying to increase muscle mass. I use 2 lb. weights during cardio routine. I will increase reps and weights over time. I'm also elongating and sculpting as I go with palates. I have a piece of equipment called supreme palates that I use. It has resistance coils that work well for me. Slow and steady wins the race.

Initially I was under the false impression that I would have to be a certain size before beginning to sculpt my body. Another false notion my mind talked me into. It really doesn't make sense to wait, so I'm electing to start now. Scales aren't everything and they're definitely not the go to when documenting results. At least while I'm elongating muscle and sculpting my body I'll be able to reap some of the benefits of exercise quicker than by measuring loss of lbs. I'm a big girl and I'm already starting to see some definition, especially in my arms and shoulders. There's nothing like gaining a little inspiration when looking in the mirror.

The other night, when I was having my little rant about my friend losing weight quicker than I was, I neglected to think about the fact that I am increasing muscle. Muscle is heavier than fat, so when I get on a scale my weight loss will look less because fat loss and muscle gain will kind of even out...duh. So more props to me for having lost weight knowing that I'm gaining muscle. Hey, the more I talk the better I feel.

I lift my glass of water to toast myself on a good global effort. Keep up the good work!

Note to self: remember this is a global effort. Stay focused, continue eating healthy foods in healthy portions, slowly increase exercise routine and relax. Learn to enjoy life a little, especially now that you are doing so many wonderful things for yourself.

Onward and Upward!

The Snack Attack Is Back

Yep! I'm having some difficulty getting away from having a late night snack. I've been getting very anxious about this. I guess you can tell by my last post. I was looking into some sort of appetite suppressant. I didn't find anything suitable. I like the idea of having healthy snacks that can naturally suppress my appetite. As a matter of fact, I'm particularly interested in the idea of apples being one of those healthy snacks. Rice bran draws some interest as well. I'll have to check into it as I am fiber sensitive and I have to be careful. No need to add adverse affects to an already existing situation.

Natural appetite suppressants do offer some sense of relief, I guess. It's...well...I wanted to be able to stop late night snacking all together. I'm really having a lot of difficulty with this and I'm not sure how I'm going to tackle this hurdle. The main thing is not to freak out about it. Yeah, I was on the cusp of doing that also. I worked myself into borderline desperation. Glad it was short lived or else the potential for a host of other issues could easily develop if I didn't get a grip on the situation. I never gave thought to how easy it would be to develop other bad habits or dare I say obsessions if desperation gets thrown into the mix. Better be sure to steer clear of that. I don't need any additional problems.

I could look at this situation two ways. I could say that I'm expending almost all my energy trying to gnaw my way out of the binging chains that bind. Or I could have a more positive view and say, for me, not binging takes considerable effort and there has been great improvement. So what am I worrying about? Well, I worry about my inability to get past the desire to eat something almost every night. I also worry about the occasion when a snack could so easily lead to another snack and yet another...

I have had some really good nights where I didn't binge or snack on anything. And of course there have been those nights when I've planned a pre-measured snack and was quite successful with it. That's it! Maybe I should go back to having planned pre-measured snacks available for a while. It wasn't so stressful for me. As a matter of fact, soon as I got comfortable with having a pre-measured snack available I jumped right into trying to stop the snacks all together. Ever since I made that decision it's been nothing but stressful. Wow! I am so glad I wrote this post. I had not thought about my original reason for implementing pre-measured snack to begin with. Yeah, time for me to get off this hellish track and back to something more doable, until I'm stronger. I'm pushing myself to hard...to fast? And making too big of a deal out of it. After all, how long should it take to completely drop the habit of eating at night, a habit that I've spent  more than 4 decades developing?

Okay, I feel so much better. I was really worried about the snacking and how stressful it's been to not allow myself anything. It shouldn't come down to praying, crying and trying to rock myself to sleep every night to keep from eating. In all of this I didn't even think of the fact that I am losing weight. I just have to keep the snacks small, healthy and most of all planned. So far this has been my biggest defense against binging. Man...I've really worn myself out with this one. That's okay. Like I said in a previous post. Peaks and valleys are necessary. Instead of trying to avoid them...which I can't do...I face them and look for the lessons that they possess. There it is... I'm going back to taking baby steps again.

I'm free! I don't have to suffer the crying and carrying on tonight. I'm going to prepare a little snack and stick it in the fridge...just in case. This I can do.

Tomorrow I'm going to the store and I'm purchasing some apples. You know what they say...an apple a day...

Please Lord, let this be the answer I've been looking for.

Whew...what a relief. Once again, the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank you, Lord.

5 Natural Ways to Suppress Your Appetite

Greetings everyone! I know it's late. I've been surfing the web looking for appetite suppressants. Sad to say most of what I'm seeing leaves much to be desired. I am caffeine sensitive, plus I have some issues with my heart after so many years of starving, binging, stress, obesity and smoking. Needless to say, I have to be careful with my choices. That being said, I've decided to take a more natural approach to suppressing my appetite.

The most vulnerable time for me are the early morning hours, just before I go to bed. Did I mention my insomnia? Most appetite suppressants increase your energy. No one I know wants a burst of energy before going to bed and being an insomniac...can you I imagine?

I visited Dr. Oz's website and found 5 natural ways to suppress appetite, key word being natural. There are even a couple items that would work well before bedtime which is when I most need them. Here they are... I'm listing the links separately so you can visit what is most interesting to you without having to flip through virtual pages.

5 Natural Ways To Suppress Your Appetite

Crush Your Cravings Item #1 - Apples
  
Crush Your Cravings Item #2 - Fiber (Wheat or Rice Bran)

Crush Your Cravings Item #3 - Green Tea

Crush Your Cravings Item #4 - Red Wine Vinegar (Drinking red wine does not count ladies)

Crush Your Cravings Item #5 - Pine Nuts

A delicious sounding recipe. I love pesto. I think I'll try making this for the weekend. Weekends are another hard time for me because I love to snack and what's a weekend without fun finger foods.

Pine Nut and Kale Pesto Recipe

That's it for me tonight. I've set aside a small snack for later. It's sort of calming to know that I do have something in the wings. I hope one day to not want to snack late night. In the meantime, if I small "planned" snack can give some relieve, I'll take it. It's better than the alternative of not allowing any snack and suffering through until sleep finally comes. Hopefully these natural appetite suppressing ideas will help me with that.

Take care all and good night!

Peaks and Valleys

A new dawn arises and the journey begins again. As with most things there are peaks and valleys. I've certainly had my share on this journey. There is much growth and many blessings along the way. I muddle through the days, weeks and sometimes months when I cannot fully identify my feelings let alone put them into words. Silent screams are skillfully etching their way into existence through scared flesh and failing health. I scarcely allow myself to believe these days will soon pass. It is in moments like this when I thank God for gifting me the ability to give voice to that which lies deep within. 

I am grateful, I am humbled, I am hopeful, and I am not alone.

A few months ago I was talking to a dear friend. One who like me struggles with her weight. She's not had a lifelong struggle with food addiction though the struggle she does have feels like a lifetime. Many changes have happened over the years. Her health has take a turn for the worse, so now she finds herself in a fight for her life. She teeter totters between lifestyle changes and surgery. I encourage her to take on lifestyle changes. A quick fix like surgery where a large amount of weight is lost in an fairly short amount of time is not the way to go for someone who has not developed the ability to make the necessary healthy choices to get to and maintain a healthy weight.

I've spent the past few months encouraging my friend to take steps, even baby steps towards a healthier lifestyle. She pretty much fought me ever step of the way. I pull back and try again later. Finally something changes. She calls me to tell me that God has spoken to her. He told her it was time to let go and let Him do His will for her. Through tears she apologizes for giving me such a hard time and vows to do better as she continues to listens for the voice of God. I could not have been prouder, giving God praise and thanksgiving throughout the day.

It wasn't long, maybe a few weeks, before she calls to tell me about her doctor's appointment and her weight loss. Wow! She's doing really well. Keep up the good work, I say. A couple more weeks after that conversation she calls again to tell me of an even more significant drop in weight. Hmmm, I am happy for her, but not as happy as I should be. Self doubt creeps in as I question my own efforts. Yeah, I'm loosing weight, but not nearly at the rate she is. The green eyes of envy are present and accounted for. I sink into depression.

It's times like this that make me really hate being human.

Why do I feel this way? She has every right to be happy about her progress. She deserves it just like I deserve being happy about my progress. So, why am I not so happy anymore? I'm feeling defeated compounded by guilt for feeling defeated when I should be celebrating triumph with my friend. At a loss, I crawl into my hole and begin to lick my wounds. Silence has taken over again.

I emerge feeling somewhat better yet still bitter and I begin to write. As I write, I pray for passion though I'm loosing what little passion I have for the cause. I ask God to take away the heaviness of my heart having no intention of ever sharing what I really feel. Funny, God had something else in mind. He lessoned the heaviness in my heart and He rekindled my passion for writing, but He will not allow the screams to be silenced. No matter what I write, how upbeat I want to be, or how much I try to encourage, it is all for naught until I come clean; sharing my truth in it's entirety.

Here it is... I'm a little pissed off that my friend is loosing weight faster than I am and she seems to be doing it so effortlessly now that she's making some effort. I on the other hand have been fighting this fight for almost 4 years and have not lost as much as she has in a few weeks. Am I jealous...YES. I know I shouldn't be nor do I want to be. I just am. This too shall pass like every other negative thing in my way. I'm always waiting for something to pass. My life is filled with stop and goes...yes and no's, please and thank you and whatever else get's me through the day.

I look in the mirror to see only a little change, though I'm exercising nearly everyday. My pantry is filled with  healthy foods and fresh veggies that I prepare daily. They are accompanied by lean meats, whole grains, fresh fruits, a little healthy fat and of course my daily vitamin. I pray every morning, every night and throughout the day for strength to keep it up. And then... She makes it look so easy.

[Breathe]

I needed to get that off my chest. Now that I've had my rant I also want to say that I realize my journey is a long journey. I am 50 and have been suffering with an eating disorder for over 40 years. It's not going to change overnight. I know this.

Reality...

My metabolism is nearly dead, well very low. The fact that I have been able to and continue to lose weight is nothing short of a miracle. At my worse, I gained 100 pound in less than a year because the binging was so severe. Most of that weight is gone. I'm several pounds away from the weight I was before that dreadful year. I have been blessed beyond and back.

So what if I feel a little stupid for being jealous. I'll get over that. Just like I've gotten over so many other things. The truth is, no matter what my truth is in that moment I need to own it and move past it. The lesson I learned today was to never allow a momentary blur take away all of the progress I have made. Nor will I allow it to stop me from encouraging a loved one who needs it.

I recognize my blessings and I move forward in them. One step at a time, one day at a time, one triumph at a time.

Peaks and valleys will always come and go. What's most important? Not so much the fight it takes to get from one point to the other as it is to recognize what the peaks and valleys offer. They offer vital information and the growth needed to sustain us. Peaks and valleys force us to take pause, make mental check lists, reflect and deflect, regroup and get prepared for the next phase of our journey.

Galatians 5:22 (KJV) - But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,

Romans 5:3-4 (NIV)

³ Not only so, but we^[a] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope.

I release the jealousy and envy I once had regarding the weight loss of my dear friend. I will celebrate her triumphs and mine.

I pray for the strength to continue and the ability to endure.

A Sweet Treat Without Defeat

I've been struggling with craving sweets since a few days before Thanksgiving and I've been good about not having sweets in the house. That is no sweets that I'd really want. So I applaud myself for not making all kinds of excuses to have sweets because it's the season. Question, what do you do when you just want a little something sweet? How do you know if or when you can give in to a craving and stop at one serving? Well, you don't know...at least I didn't.

Last night the cravings were unbearable, almost to the point of debilitating. I couldn't focus on anything. It was a miserable time. Against my better judgment, I printed a recipe for rice pudding and made it. It was a simple recipe for a small amount. I'm praying really hard to be able to eat a little and stop. I'm scared... Something has to give.

I'm not recommending that any of you doing this. This is my trial...my story. 

As the pudding bakes I notice that I'm feeling less agitated. Calm, but still on guard. The timer goes off. It' done. Now for the moment of truth. Will I or won't I. I placed the pudding on the counter to cool for a few minutes. As it cools I continue piddling, praying and hoping for the best. Either way, I need relief.

With plate and spoon in tow, I gently carve out the freshly backed morsels. It looks good...smells good. I serve myself a small portion of about 4 tablespoons. I eat. It tastes good. I wait, giving my body time to communicate with my mind. More importantly, time for my mind to realize that I am satisfied. I just hope my mind agrees with the rest of me. I continue to wait.

Time for a glass of water and to wash my dishes. I don't feel the craving for sweets anymore, but there is a small mental suggestion to get a little more. I take down a plastic container and a table spoon and begin preparing the dish for the fridge. All the while, there's still a small suggestion to get a little more.  I continue spooning the pudding into the plastic container until there was only 1 tablespoon left in the baking dish. Quick...get the lid on the container and put this pudding away. Don't waist any time and don't look back. Done.

The baking dish still sits on the counter with one spoon of pudding left behind. I'll eat that and my mind will have to be satisfied. Please...let my mind be satisfied.

As the evening went on, I got ready for bed. There's still the slightest desire to get a little more pudding. I think to myself. "No way! I'm done...no more food until tomorrow." Off to bed... Another good night under my belt. Well done.

Pleasant dreams. 

By the way, today I had a serving of rice pudding after dinner tonight. My son didn't like the pudding so that leaves one last serving for tomorrow. I'll have a quiet celebration then. In the meantime, moving forward. Onward and Upward!