Be True to Who You Are

For those of you remembering all of the pain.
For those of you who have been kicked, pushed, punched, knocked down, beaten, spat on; raped mentally, physically, emotionally or all of the above...
For those of you baring the scars of battles, fighting for you life, never winning the war.
For those of you who still hear the voices telling you you're ugly, fat, too skinny, crater face, sherman tank, piece of crap, dumb fuck, chicken shit, looser, worthless, not good enough, wish you were dead...

Know this...

Bullies and abusers want to break you because they themselves are broken.
They don't know what love feels like or how to love.
They're hurting you because they want to make someone else feel as bad as they do.
They'll never hurt the ones who hurt them nor will they ever forgive.

You don't have to keep hurting.
You don't have to keep hurting yourself.
Let go of the pain and sorrow.
There is so much more for you.
Live your life.
You deserve better.
You can be better.
You WILL get better.

Learn to love yourself.
Learn how to accept love from others.

YOU deserve it!

YOU don't have to be anything more than who you are.

YOU are enough!

Believe that, and if you don't...

Say these affirmations to yourself everyday, multiple times a day. It may take months before you really feel the words you are saying. Keep saying them...say them until you believe you are enough. Say them until you know you are worthy of love, especially the love you will have for yourself. You CAN love yourself. It really is possible. Ask me how I know...
 

"When I say I love you, I mean that I am committed to working to love you even when it's hard."

YOU are worth the commitment.

"I deeply love myself and recognize that I am a perfect reflection of my beautiful soul."

 

 

Little by Little

In the spirit of Thanksgiving I'd like to share the things that I am most grateful for with you. Some of these things may seem small to some. No matter how small all of the steps I've taken so far had to be taken for me to get where I am today. Every step you take towards healing and recovery counts. There is no effort too great or too small.

I am grateful for my faith in the Lord and how He has blessed me to come this far.

I am grateful for the beautiful child God gave to me.

I am grateful my son has not had a seizure since April 2015.

I am grateful for what Autism has taught me.

I am grateful for every fall I have taken and every time I've gotten up.

I am grateful for the few times I have gone to bed without eating anything as well as the times I do feed being less than what it used to be.

I am grateful for finding the strength to be completely honest with myself.

I am grateful for the inner peace that comes after facing the most painful times of my past.

I am grateful for everyday I did not give up on exercising.

I am grateful for the differences I'm starting to see in my body and being able to embrace my current physical state. I am able to appreciate my curves.

I am grateful for how much energy I have and look forward to having more.

I am even grateful for the days that I feel down because I can say to myself, "No matter how I feel about my looks today, I am actively doing something to help myself." I always feel better when I remember that.

I am grateful for valuable life lessons I've learned.

I am grateful for not smoking cigarettes anymore.

I am grateful for changing our diet to gluten free.

I am grateful for checking off a few more thing on my to-do list today.

I am grateful to be able to love myself.

I am grateful to fully receive love from others.

I am grateful to be grateful for so many things that I'm not able to list them all in this post.

I am even thankful that my dog did not roll around in anything stinky today.

I am grateful to be here and to be able to offer encouragement to you all.

Peace and Joy you...

Remember...even a little effort goes a long way. Don't give up!

Happy Holidays!

Happy Holidays everyone! Tis' the season... 

I haven't been around much, but I'm doing well.

How are you doing? I hope that you had a good Summer and Fall. Summer was a little lack luster for us, but still pleasant in a peaceful sort of way. We've been doing well. I don't know if I told you, but we've gone gluten free. The transition started back in April of this year. My son has adjusted well to the change. There's only one thing, he can't let go of the goldfish crackers. They are his all time favorite snack. I wish I could find a good substitute, but there really isn't one. I'm thinking of creating my own version of his favorite snack, even if I have to bake small batches several times a week.

My son has not seized since going gluten free. He still has gut issues, but the seizures have ceased, at least for now and his gut issues are not as bad as they were before. He's taking a very low dose of Trileptal, which is a seizure medication. The only side effect that he's experiencing is sleepiness within an hour or two after taking the medication. The sleepiness is welcomed for night time, but not so much during the day.

I've read a couple articles claiming gluten free diets have no impact on behavioral issues in autistic children. I don't know about that. I do know that there are many parents out there who swear by gluten free living and have seen noticeable to tremendous change in their child's behaviors and moods since going gluten free. I am one of those parents. No matter what articles are written, I can tell you from personal experience that the benefits of going gluten free far out-way the rhetoric of naysayers.

How have you been doing with your eating? My hope is that you are getting better. It takes time to get past ED (Eating Disorder). Don't beat yourself up if you are still struggling. I'm struggle too. Even with the struggles I have made great improvements and you can too. Don't give up. I know it is especially hard this time of year which is one of the reasons I felt a sense of urgency to begin writing again, letting you know I'm still making strides and I'm still here with you.

I've had a couple binges since my last post in February. They weren't big binges, but binges nonetheless. Night time hunger is one of the hardest things for me to beat. I once described the urge to binge as a dark shadow looming over me. It's as though this dark shadow has control over me, literally willing me to go to the kitchen to feed. I voiced concerns about my inability to combat this dark shadow. Despite the fact I was having difficulties with night feeding, I knew it was time to embrace the next step...exercise. I don't now if you remember, I tried to start a routine several months ago and failed miserably. I just wasn't able to keep it up. So I put that effort away until I became stronger and better equipped to face it.

Do you ever feel like the control you once had has spiraled out of control? I can't speak for everyone. For me, my eating met several needs. There was the need for physical comfort which I did not have and there was a need to gain some control over my life which I also didn't have. I wanted to hurt my parents for hurting me and so by hurting myself I thought they would eventually feel sorry for me and maybe even feel some since of remorse. Maybe they would realize how their bad parenting was affecting me. Obviously it did not work. The sad thing is... I came up with this notion as a child and still believed it would someday work as an adult. By the time I realized that my "plan" was not working I was already in way too deep...40 years deep to be exact. Okay. That realization came 8 years ago when my parents died. Wow! Has it been that long? I didn't realize it until this moment. I guess I have come along way, but it's also been a long time.

I've been actively trying to combat ED for 6 years and have been in therapy for 3. Please forgive me, I'm just realizing the timeframe for this process and that I'm still in the process of healing. Wow.

Okay, clearing the mind and getting back on task.  I realized that the dark shadow known as ED also has a voice. ED likes to tell me what to do. It tells me that I don't want to eat when I should eat. It tells me to eat when I shouldn't eat. It tells me what and how much to eat and so on.

I started exercising on August 22. Yes! I marked it on my calendar. I circle everyday that I exercise, missing only a couple days here and there. So far I've missed 4 days in September, 1 day in October and 1 day so far in November. That is excellent for me. I have already given myself a pat on the back and an A for effort :-) Moving forward...

You might be wondering why I'm not taking more days off like exercising 5-6 days per week and taking 1-2 days off. If I were strong enough and disciplined enough to do so I would, but I'm not. ED is an opportunist. ED resides in my mind and is always looking for any opportunity to stunt my ability to succeed in overcoming it. At this point I cannot allow my mind to rest on an option of having any amount of set days to take off. If I allow it to settle on a certain day or number of days to take off the voice of ED will become stronger, insisting that I take even more days off. This has been my experience in the past and why I have yet to successfully maintain a healthier lifestyle. I can't give ED any leeway.

By the way, I've picked up some of my methods from reading Life Without Ed, by Jenni Schaefer, which I have yet to finish. I do want to give a review of this book, even if everyone has already read it. I guess it comes down to my wanting to complete this goal, if for no one other than myself. It's just that important to me.

Sometimes it's difficult for me to want to exercise. Other times is seems to be as natural as breathing. One morning, about a 3 weeks into exercising, I heard a voice inside my head saying, "I don't want to exercise today." I thought to myself, that's not how I feel. Lies you tell." I AM going to exercise today and YOU can't stop me. I sat in my favorite prayer chair and asked God to give me the strength not to give in to my mind. Then I stood up and walk into my room and began to exercise. Tears stream down my face as I continue praying for strength, determined more than ever to not give up. I didn't give up. I did a full workout and I added a couple extra reps...just because. For the first time, I stood up to the voice inside my head. The voice that has given me so much misery all these years. Always telling me I'm not good enough and I'm too fat. How many times have I stood in the mirror listening to that voice tell me I was ugly. That I was so unattractive no decent man would ever want me. Yep, that's the one. I walked away victorious and I knew if I was able to stand up to that voice once, I would stand up to it again. Let the games begin!!!

It wasn't long after that glorious moment that I also discovered my night time feedings were no longer attached to my emotions, but rather a habit that I needed to break. That's pretty much where I stand today. I'm working on breaking the habit of snacking or placing anything in my mouth after a certain time. It's difficult right now...no matter. This too shall pass.

"That which is difficult for me today, will no be as difficult for me tomorrow."

 

"In every failure their is a path towards success."

These are two of my quotes. I say these quote to myself whenever things get difficult or I want to quit. I believe that anything I try to do today that is difficult for me to achieve will be less difficult for me tomorrow because I would have gained a little more knowledge and maybe even a little more ability. Besides, tomorrow is another day and a fresh new beginning.

Oh, I almost forgot. I am proud to report that I have lost weight. As promised, I will not give numbers. I just wanted to share my joy and surprise. I've only weighed once so far. I may weigh in again in another month or so. My goals are not centered around loss of pounds. I only have two goals to be honest. They are to exercise at least 20 minutes everyday, increasing slowly over time and to be healthier and look better in my clothes in two years. That's it.

Well, I'm going to call it a night. I've just finished my dinner and I'm ready to clean up and relax a little. For dinner tonight we had pan seared boneless, skinless chicken thighs, roasted potatoes and butternut squash and a salad. It was delicious and my son enjoyed it also.

Take care my friends.

Identifying and Dealing WithToxic People

Hi everyone! I'm so glad to be back to my writing, well at least a little bit. It's been a while and it feels have the time to write again. I've been busy...a very good busy...not having any drama or bad karma. I'm still doing well with my eating. And it's still a daily effort to put away those voices that tell me not to eat during the day and push me to find any reason to eat at night. Yes, they're still lingering around, but the good thing...they are not nearly as loud as they used to be.

All good things come to those who pray and wait.

There are still trials and triumphs in my life, but life is looking better every day and I am thankful for having hope. I am loving feeling good about myself and all that life has to offer.

Several months ago I wrote a couple posts, one being about Friendships (What kind of friend are you and assessing what kind of friends you have). I also wrote a post about abusive relationships which can be a major contributor to making unhealthy choices. In my personal experience I find it has been very beneficial to think not only about my relationship with foods, but also the kind of relationship I have with myself and other people. A little soul searching never hurts.

The reason I'm bringing up these posts is to say that I was not too far off bar when deciding to take a deeper look at my relationships. As a matter of fact, just a few minutes ago I came across a video on how to deal with toxic people. It's short but really packs a punch. I watched the video with my mouth open and head nodding most of the time. Every toxic type of personality described I knew. The good thing...I've been blessed to remove many of those toxic relationships out of my life. There are still a couple more to go. Rest assured, I'm working on it.

Anyway, immediately after watching the video I sat down to write this post. Please take a moment to listen and you too may be as shocked as I was on how many people you know are a perfect match to the toxic personalities described in this video.

If you find that you are in fact surrounding yourself with toxic people then it is time to take action and begin detoxing your life. When you start detoxing your life you will find that you have so much more energy and room for healthy thoughts, feelings and actions. I can't even begin to tell you how toxic people can drain you and put you in the same intense negative mindset as themselves. Believe me, you don't want to be on their level. You don't want to find yourself giving up on yourself or loosing hope for the future. Your happiness is so worth fighting for.

Have you ever felt completely drained after speaking to a person who never has anything positive to day? Toxic people find a way to always be around. It seems benign at first, but you begin to notice that they have managed to creep into your life every day. They are always on the other end of the phone or chat. And all they want is a captive audience to share their woes. 

You have the strength to let those toxic relationships go. At first you may feel like if you cut every negative relationship you won't have any relationships left. Not true. When you cut away the negative, toxic, constant stream of unhappiness...unhealthiness you will have made room for healthier relationships to come in. Toxic people take up space and time. They don't want you to be with anyone else but them. Let go of the toxic relationships. They are not good for you or your goals towards health, happiness and wellbeing. YES...you deserve to be happy! Watch the video below and share your thoughts.

NaturalSunshine.com: How to: Deal with Toxic People

Information: Eating Disorders in African American/Black/Ethnic Women and Men

Greeting everyone! I hope you are well. I wanted to share a few good articles and interview that I found targeting eating disorders in African American/Black/EthnicWomen and Men.
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner: Eating Disorders in African Americans

Women of Color & Eating Disorders

Neda - Feeding Hope
Please take a moment to scroll down to the bottom of the article, Neda - Feeding Hope, to listen to Joy Keys interview special guests Stephanie Covington Armstrong, author of "Not All Black Girls Know How to Eat: A Story of Bulimia," and former NEDA Director of Programs, Laurie Vanderboom as they discuss the struggles black women face when seeking help for an eating disorder.

If you have trouble accessing the link for Joy Keys interview here is the direct link African American Women and Eating Disorders

Here's more information on Stephanie Covington Armstrong's book, Not All Black Girls Know How to Eat: A Story of Bulimia.  Not All Black Girls Know How To Eat

Eating Disorders and Minorities

I hope these articles and interview will help many minority women and men realized that they are not suffering alone and these issues need to be talked about. Don't let anyone tell you that African American/Blacks/Ethnics do not have eating disorders. Keep seeking help and reaching out to others. Help will come and healing will begin.

Stay strong and don't give up.

No More Hiding: Letting Go At Last

Prayer is an intricate part of my healing journey. One of the many things I've prayed for is the ability to see myself through my own eyes...not the eyes of my parents.

It took some time before I realized that I did not know myself or see myself as ought to. I only saw what my parents taught me to see. I saw a life not worth living beyond the service I provided. I put all others before myself, fulfilling their needs...my sole priority. I saw ability that would never be recognized and a thirst that would never be quenched. Deprivation was my reward and pain my only inheritance.

It's also very difficult to see yourself when you are not allowed to make even the most simple decisions for yourself. Hair was one of those things that seemed to be more of an issue than need be.

I used to sit in front of my mirror every evening and cry. My hair was always the same. Two or three ponytails with huge ribbons or bows that matched my outfit. This is how I looked everyday. I hated it and I hated my mother for making me look like this.

When I closed my eyes I could see myself with very long hair, but the hair looked strange to me. It looked like braids but it wasn't braided. I didn't know what locks were and had no idea that was the hairstyle I envisioned. I would also see myself with huge hair, wild and curly...unruly. I loved seeing myself like that. Then I'd open my eyes again to see what was still my reality and I retreated further into myself.

One day, I asked my mom if I could wear my hair braided. Absolutely not, she said. I asked, why? Mom turned to me as if to give a life lesson. She said, wearing your hair natural will only make you look ignorant. You must straighten your hair so people will think of you as intelligent. My heart sank and so did my head as I slowly walked back to my room to sit in front of my mirror and cry. I've never forgotten her words. 

It would not be until I was in my mid 30s that I would be able to stand up to my mother and tell her how I wanted to wear my hair. I guess you may be wondering why it took so long for me to do this. All I can say is if you have to ask then you don't know what it is to have controlling parents. You can't begin to fathom what it is to be under such tight control and scrutiny. Every independent decision outside of what my parents wanted was made with great trembling and sacrifice. My parents did not take disobedience kindly and any act of disobedience was met with intense cruelty and degradation...no matter my age.

Finally, I broke free from one of the chains that bound me. I cut off all the permed hair and I wore my hair braided for a few years. A week before my 40th birthday I felt a strong urge to begin twisting my hair. I always knew I was going to lock my hair one day, but wasn't sure when. The day had come and I gave into the call. I wore my hair locked for 9 years. I loved my hair. The first time I looked in the mirror and saw my locks in their full light I knew I had finally seen the vision of myself that I saw so many years ago. For once, I stood in front of my mirror and smiled.

During the ninth year of my locks a terrible thing happened. My eczema took a turn for the worse spreading over most of my body including my scalp. Having no insurance at the time, I fought with all I had to remedy my skin, paying cash for doctor appointments to get prescriptions for topical ointments. I also used tea tree oil and soap (natural anti-fungal), a probiotic and diphenhydramine to help with itching. There was little I could do to and save my hair. My skin is much better, but my hair was lost. Locks fell daily, one sometimes two at a time. There was nothing I could do to save them. Each fallen lock was mourned and put away.

It's been about a year since loosing the first lock. I stood in front of my mirror looking at  the few remaining locks and thought to myself...why are you hiding? I've spent the last year trying to hold on to something that cannot stay. All I could see was massive loss. My identity...my beauty...my independence...my strength and everything else my locks represented was gone. I've been stripped. There's no where else to hide.

About a month ago I cut off my remaining locks and placed them in a bag where all fallen locks are kept. I stood there squeezing the bag close to my chest, making peace with my decision. It is time for me to face myself. This time in my most natural state. My prayers were being answered, though I had not realized it yet.

I Am As I Am

One more look in the mirror.
There I stand.
Hair shorter than ever.

I began to cry,
Only this time it wasn't tears of sadness,
But tears of joy and relief.

I am free, I said.
No more hiding.
I no longer need my locks to be my identity.

Nor do I need my locks to be,
My strength, my beauty,
Or proclamation of indoctrination of my mind and spirit.

I am just as I am,
And ought to be.
For the first time I see me.

I am budding and soon will be in full bloom.
My inner light fills the room.
I lean forward taking a closer look.

I am just as I am,
As I ought to be.
And I'm loving everything I see.

For the first time,
With my own eyes,
I can see me.
 

The Power of Liberation

I woke up feeling good today. Adding a little exercise to my routine is working well for me. I'm not stressing about it. As a matter I appreciate wanting to take time to do something special for myself. I finally feel worthy of the goodness that I'm feeling and receiving...right now.

During my morning prayers I asked God to help me have the strength to do all that I would like to do today. I need help to make steps towards accomplishing long term goals. I can only focus on one day at a time, so I am learning to only ask for what I need for today.

After prayer time I started thinking about something that was on my heart and had been for the past few days. I've been working out with my cousin for about a week. The past two days I've worked extra hard to encourage my cousin to work out with me. She said she wanted to, but at the same time she manages to get my mind off working out and we end up focusing on some personal issue she's having. I overlooked it the first time, but the second time I got a little pissed. I promised myself this would not happen a third time. I don't have time to help someone who does not want to help themselves and I began to prepare my soapbox speech. As I rehearsed my speech something happened...I was liberated. I was liberated from all anger and angst. I came into an understand and found peace in this situation.  

How many times have you witnessed someone do something or heard them say something that you didn't agree with and immediately you try to change them... Be honest... I am guilty of this. My cousin admitted something to me just before we started working out together. She said to me that she was lazy. Immediately I rejected the idea and I wanted her to change. I questioned why she would admit to such a thing. She was simply stating her truth. The only thing wrong with that was that I did not want to believe or accept her truth.

I know she said she wanted to lose weight and I believe her. But she has to make the choice to help herself. I can't do that for her. I can only acknowledge and accept her truth as it is. I cannot change her, so I liberate myself. I do not have the strength or ability to carry her issues. I'm just now finding the strength to deal with my own. So I liberate myself. I accept my cousin in her truth weather I agree with her truth or not. I liberate myself. I am no longer angry about her excuses. I liberate myself. God will provide my cousin with everything she needs when the time comes, if it should come for her to seriously do something about her weight. I am not responsible for my cousin's actions or decisions. I liberate myself!!!

I liberate myself so that I may see all that God has given me to succeed in my goals today.

I am liberated from that which is not profitable to my spirit!

Liberate yourself today!! Ask God for help. Stop dragging the problems of others into your life. Focus on what you need to accomplish for yourself today. Allow yourself time for yourself even if only for 30 minutes. See yourself in YOUR truth today. And if you are truly ready to make a move in a healthier direction whatever that direction...

Then by all means begin today! Don't let anyone or anything stand in your way.