Wow! It's been a long time since I've sat down to blog. How have you been? I've been okay, much better here lately. At the beginning of the year I felt pretty crummy. Battling lethargy, and dealing with feelings of guilt and failure.
My last blog post was November 1, 2016. I was in a fairly good place at that time. Even looking forward to the holiday season and continuing my new non-traditional celebrations. I was struggling to keep up with exercise and eating right. I binged a few times. Fortunately not complete out of control binging as is so common for me during that time of year. There were several big downers around that time, one was going to the doctor and getting on the scale. For some reason, I imagined being in a better place with my weight, but when I got on the scale I found that I was only and I say this from the place of brokenness; I was only a couple pounds lighter than when I started the process a little over a year ago. Disappointment rained over me, so I retreated for a bit and licked my wounds...again.
A few weeks went by and I found myself in the throws of preparing for my non-traditional holiday meals which consisted of seafood and salads, no deserts and no roasted bird except for the bird promised to me by my friend who was gravely ill at the time. She makes the best roasted bird...any kind of bird. And for that I wanted to make my favorite holiday dressing traditional...yes...but necessary. I was only missing one thing. The gluten free cornbread mix that I loved so much. I searched 7 grocery stores weekly and still could not find what I was looking for.
I didn't want my friend to make the turkey. I didn't think she had the strength, but I also wondered if she didn't make the turkey this year would she ever be able to again. I struggled with the notion of allowing her to keep her promise while watching her fade into a being I could no longer recognize.
While searching earnestly for balance, I still had the charge of dealing with failure. Back when I first started on my journey to living a healthier life, I watched countless videos of women and men who like me struggled with weight and sometimes eating disorders. They'd show video accounts of the first 8 months to a year and the change was dramatic. I was filled with so much hope. I didn't want to focus on the week to week I just held on to hope that at the end of the year I would be a much healthier version of myself. It appeared I didn't achieve that goal or did I.
Over a year ago I was just coming to terms with my eating disorder. Though I had lost some weight over a period of several years, I was still very uncomfortable, very unhealthy and struggling to literally "fit" in. I didn't lose a large amount of weight in this past year. I barely lost a little, but does that equate to failure? I said yes then...now I say something other. Success did not come by way of decrease in weight, it came by way of increase of determination. Even thought my weight loss was only a little it was still a loss and not a gain. And though I struggled and loss the battle many times, I was still fighting the war and gained more resilience, determination and desire to achieve my goal. It took considerable time for me to come to this conclusion, but in doing so I was able to let go.
It's now April 2017. Just last month I found myself back on the saddle and as I picked up the reigns I made the decision to enjoy my life. I'm no longer focused on the journey, but more so embracing life and living. I'm living and doing and exploring things that I never thought I would. I've stepped out on faith and began working more diligently on my autism and disability advocacy. I now serve on several boards and committees. And just recently was invited to speak at the 2017 WAAD observation held at the United Nations in NYC. Who would have thunk it? How did I get here? I don't really know. I just know that I'm enjoying life and passions and I'm taking my beautiful son with me every step of the way. And guess what...at my last doctors appointment I stepped on the scale and to my astonishment I crossed over the threshold I'd been trying to cross for the previous 14 months. It happened just like that. I was amazed and celebrated quietly. I'm still celebrating.
Today, I sit at my desk with many thoughts to share and a smile on my face. I've eaten healthy meals and am about to have a snack. I don't have to worry about walking by my son's snack bowl like I did before. I can actually pluck a chip or two and think nothing of it, nor do I worry about that the taste of a chip on my lips triggering me to binge. I'm alive! I'm living! And I'm loving life!
Onward and Upward!
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Thank you!
Greetings everyone! How are you doing? I am writing this note to thank you for continuing to read my blog. I know that I've been away for a bit and I know there are times when it seems that I've gone off the deep end. I don't know if it's normal or not. I just know that it is all part of my journey and what a journey it has been so far. I appreciate you hanging in there with me for the good, the bad and even the unexplained.
So please accept this most heart felt thank you for being so supportive and walking this walk with me. A huge hug to each and every one of you. Blessings.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
Monday, September 19, 2016
Are you Still Up for the Challenge?
Hi everyone! How are you doing on the 22 push-ups for 22 days challenge? I posted about starting my challenge on the 30th of last month. It is now the 19th, so it's been 20 days. I actually finished my challenge a couple days ago only because I did double push-ups for a couple days. [pause] I didn't do them back to back. It was more like one set in the morning and one set along with my workout that night. Guess what! I'm able to do knee bends. Not deep ones, but knee bends just the same. I found out by accident and was quite please when my knees didn't sound like crinkly paper. I hate that sound...
Now for the not so good news. I've had some trouble with my eating. Yep. It's been a rough summer. Going through a lot of changes and still going through. I don't know what will come of my situations, but I'm learning not to be so stressed about it. Of course, I'm learning a bout of binging. Not to worry, I'm getting better. I was off for a few weeks. I had a mad love affair with fried chicken. No more of that, not even on occasion for now. I'm much happier eating healthier again. I've not come up with any new recipes or fun thing to do with healthy foods. Hopefully I will be inspired to do so soon.
As far as my troubles, I'm learning how to trust God better. You know...it's easy to say I trust God when things are going pretty well. I find when things are really bad that I want to trust Him, but I tend to worry. With this latest series of situations, I found myself trusting God for something I wanted and when I didn't get it, I felt lost and my trust waivered. Worry and stress became close bedfellows. That's when my eating took a turn for the not so good. It started with just being a little lazy about cooking dinner and then coupons showed up in my mail. How convenient...
My birthday was a little over a week ago. I had been off the fried chicken thing for a while and thought it would be safe to treat myself to a little on my birthday. I told a friend about it. I guess she saw something this time that she had not seem before. Usually she doesn't respond to my stories about overeating or not eating. This time she intervened. I didn't fully understand what she was doing at first. My friend has been sick for a while. She's doing some better, but still struggles with health issues. I haven't been able to be there for her like I want to. I just don't have the energy. I call to check on her when I feel strong enough not to cry on her shoulder. She doesn't need to know about my troubles. She's got enough of her own. Anyway, she offered to cook dinner for me and my son for my birthday. I wasn't sure I wanted her to do that. It would take lots of energy and she hasn't had much energy herself lately, but she insisted. In a moment of thanksgiving...me thanking my friend that is, she stated that she didn't want me to get the fried chicken. Okay, I get it now. So I reached over for the latest set of coupons I had taken out of the mail, tore them to shreds and put them in the garbage. I put the phone down for a second and cried just a little. I couldn't bring myself to tell her how much I really needed that.
Somehow in the midst of all of everything I managed to complete my 22 day challenge. I'm proud of myself. I kind of enjoyed doing the push-ups. Just earlier today I did 25. I think I'll try to keep this as part of my regular routine. I won't say I'll do push-ups every day, but I will definitely do them more often.
I hope all is well with you. Summer's coming to it's end. I hope you've had a good summer. As for me, I continue asking God to continue blessing me with His grace and tender mercies as I am still in the trenches. It's quiet and still. I'll be praying for peace, joy and prosperity for us all.
Now for the not so good news. I've had some trouble with my eating. Yep. It's been a rough summer. Going through a lot of changes and still going through. I don't know what will come of my situations, but I'm learning not to be so stressed about it. Of course, I'm learning a bout of binging. Not to worry, I'm getting better. I was off for a few weeks. I had a mad love affair with fried chicken. No more of that, not even on occasion for now. I'm much happier eating healthier again. I've not come up with any new recipes or fun thing to do with healthy foods. Hopefully I will be inspired to do so soon.
As far as my troubles, I'm learning how to trust God better. You know...it's easy to say I trust God when things are going pretty well. I find when things are really bad that I want to trust Him, but I tend to worry. With this latest series of situations, I found myself trusting God for something I wanted and when I didn't get it, I felt lost and my trust waivered. Worry and stress became close bedfellows. That's when my eating took a turn for the not so good. It started with just being a little lazy about cooking dinner and then coupons showed up in my mail. How convenient...
My birthday was a little over a week ago. I had been off the fried chicken thing for a while and thought it would be safe to treat myself to a little on my birthday. I told a friend about it. I guess she saw something this time that she had not seem before. Usually she doesn't respond to my stories about overeating or not eating. This time she intervened. I didn't fully understand what she was doing at first. My friend has been sick for a while. She's doing some better, but still struggles with health issues. I haven't been able to be there for her like I want to. I just don't have the energy. I call to check on her when I feel strong enough not to cry on her shoulder. She doesn't need to know about my troubles. She's got enough of her own. Anyway, she offered to cook dinner for me and my son for my birthday. I wasn't sure I wanted her to do that. It would take lots of energy and she hasn't had much energy herself lately, but she insisted. In a moment of thanksgiving...me thanking my friend that is, she stated that she didn't want me to get the fried chicken. Okay, I get it now. So I reached over for the latest set of coupons I had taken out of the mail, tore them to shreds and put them in the garbage. I put the phone down for a second and cried just a little. I couldn't bring myself to tell her how much I really needed that.
Somehow in the midst of all of everything I managed to complete my 22 day challenge. I'm proud of myself. I kind of enjoyed doing the push-ups. Just earlier today I did 25. I think I'll try to keep this as part of my regular routine. I won't say I'll do push-ups every day, but I will definitely do them more often.
I hope all is well with you. Summer's coming to it's end. I hope you've had a good summer. As for me, I continue asking God to continue blessing me with His grace and tender mercies as I am still in the trenches. It's quiet and still. I'll be praying for peace, joy and prosperity for us all.
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
I'm Doing it! 22 Push-ups for 22 Days
When I posted the other day about the 22 day challenge that I saw on YouTube, I wasn't sure if I'd be able to do it. I could not have told you the last time I actually did one push-up let alone 22. Last night, as I was preparing to do my workout I almost backed out of doing the challenge, but decided to keep my word. So I got on the floor with my knees together, ankles up and crossed and I did my push-ups. The coolest thing about it all was that I could have done a few more, but I didn't. Instead I continued with my regular workout with a huge smile on my face as I sent a great many "thank you" up to heaven.
I thought about my brothers and sisters who may have some difficulty getting on the floor to do push-ups. If any of you out there want to participate in this challenge, but feel you are not able because you can't get down on the floor...not to worry. Another way you can do a push-up is to stand at your kitchen counter. Put both hands on the counter with arms spread apart as if ready to do a push-up. Keep your hands on the counter while taking a few step back from the counter and raise your heels (it's like being in position to do a push-up only while standing, leaning forward). Only go back as far as comfortable for you. You body should be at an angle. Slowly lower your upper body down towards the counter. Allow your arms and your toes to support the weight of you. Go as low as you comfortably can and then push yourself back up. See how many of these you can do. Even if you can't do all 22, what you are doing is of great support to the cause and provides healthy movement for you.
Today I've done the challenge twice so far. Trying to catch up since so far behind. If you are able to do more, then do so, otherwise go at your own pace.
I thought about my brothers and sisters who may have some difficulty getting on the floor to do push-ups. If any of you out there want to participate in this challenge, but feel you are not able because you can't get down on the floor...not to worry. Another way you can do a push-up is to stand at your kitchen counter. Put both hands on the counter with arms spread apart as if ready to do a push-up. Keep your hands on the counter while taking a few step back from the counter and raise your heels (it's like being in position to do a push-up only while standing, leaning forward). Only go back as far as comfortable for you. You body should be at an angle. Slowly lower your upper body down towards the counter. Allow your arms and your toes to support the weight of you. Go as low as you comfortably can and then push yourself back up. See how many of these you can do. Even if you can't do all 22, what you are doing is of great support to the cause and provides healthy movement for you.
Today I've done the challenge twice so far. Trying to catch up since so far behind. If you are able to do more, then do so, otherwise go at your own pace.
In acknowledgment and remembrance of the veterans who've long suffered from PTSD.
Monday, August 29, 2016
Free Event UK - Malakh Zebulun at Cassandra Learning Center, Discussion about Child Abuse and Domestic Violence
Join me Malakh Zebulun at Cassandra Learning Centre on 1st September at 6pm where I will read a chapter of my book 'No More Secrets' and discuss child abuse and... domestic violence. For 18+ only due to explicit nature of the reading.
Book your FREE ticket here: http://bit.ly/2aaDwqf
Cassandra Learning Centre
Okay, I could not get the video to load through blogger. Here's the link to Malakh's facebook page where you can view a couple brief video about up and coming events https://www.facebook.com/malakh.zebulun?fref=nf.
22 Push Up Challenge - Raising Awarenss of Veterans Battling PTSD
September is National Suicide Awareness Month.
Raising awareness of veterans who have committed suicide due to PTSD.
Sorry I'm just getting this information out now. I came across the challenge earlier today and decided to take it on. I don't know if I can do 22 push ups at one time, but I will get 22 push ups done throughout the day for the next 22 days.
Moving for life and awareness.
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