I could talk about many facets of relationships with you, however, I think it would be best for me to focus on individual kinds of relationships. As we all know, relationships can be complex even complicated and each type of relationship deserves it's own time and space in this conversation.
Today I want to focus on our knowledge of what friendship is and what it means to have friends. How do we see our friends and do they serve any particular purpose?
Wikipedia - Friendship (partial definition)
Friendship is a relationship of mutual affection between two or more people.[1] Friendship is a stronger form of interpersonal bond than an association.
Urban Dictionary - Friendship (partial definition)
friendship
Something that is much underrated in our society. Friendship is actually a form of love (here I'm not talking exclusively about erotic love). It's not a lesser form of love than erotic love, only a different form of love. In fact, the ancient Greeks had a word, "phileos", more or less equating to fraternal/brotherly love (friendship). Friendship seems to have no observable biological necessity(unlike parental love, necessary for humans to grow, and erotic love, necessary for humans to reproduce), and not much of a marketable appeal (as opposed to the millions/billions of dollars worth of things sold to people trying to better their marriages or parenting skills), yet without such a form of love as friendship our societies would be unbearably dull and alienated from one another.
Above are two basic definitions of friendship. What do you think of them? Have you ever given thought to what friendship means to you and what you are truthfully seeking from your friendships? I had not given much thought to what my friendships meant to me or what it was that I wanted to receive from them, not anymore than how to be supportive, nurturing, giving and so on. In my opinion those things are superficial. Why? Because they are simply actions. What I've given thought to recently are the reasons behind my actions and why certain actions were so much more important to me than others. We as human beings often times don't think about the reasons we do things because we are to busy doing without thought. Does that make sense? Humans frequently do things inadvertently as a reaction to either a person, stimuli, situation, past or anticipated experience.
My past friendships served many purposes. First and foremost, they were a welcomed distraction from my miserable life. Pre-teen friendships, not so much; most of my interactions were at home and home was not a safe place, even with friends present. It wasn't until my late teens early twenties when I saw friendships in a new lite. Visiting friends was a lovely filler for the day. After taking care of my responsibilities I would spend countless hours with my friends, often calling them immediately after getting home, even thought I just left from seeing them. Obsessive? Maybe so. As long as the conversation was good and the company friendly I was game and seemingly so were they. I doted over my friends, giving them almost anything they wanted. That also included limitless time and attention. That was my way of showing appreciation for their friendship or at the very least their attention. The thing is...I didn't really have their attention. They were more fixated on what they could get from me and how many different ways I would work to see they had what they needed over and beyond my own needs.
One of my biggest dreams was to become a noted psychologist. Why not, after all, most of my waking hours were spent studying human behaviors. What better way to serve mankind than to listen to their problems. Not only was it my greatest obsession and in many ways still is, but it was also how I learned to be socially adequate in most respects. Yes, I was considered different, so much so that most people did not know what to think of me or do with me. I never really saw myself as different other than my lack of understanding or being completely bored by the trivial conversations of peers. I'd much prefer the company of adults even if they didn't want me around.
Getting back to the matter at hand...When my hope for attending an ivy league school were dashed by my parents, I pretty much gave up on everything. I'd had enough. Too tired to keep fighting to be something more than my parent's punching bag. So you see, that is why I became the friendly unpaid therapist that I was for my friends.
This monster need is what fueled a vicious cycle. With each new friend I would hone in on their needs and like a well trained servant my every move was to make them happy. In reality, what I was doing was fulfilling my own need for happiness and purpose. I needed to be needed because I was devalued at home. I was as addicted to catering to friends as I was to hurting myself. And I did this without conscious.
As I continue trying to understand the complexities of human relations, daunting as it may be, I find solace in knowing that I will some day better understand myself.
I am proud to day that I have been delivered from such behaviors and have a much healthier view on friendships. Friendships should be mutual...a give and take. My new purpose for having friends is to enjoy the company of like minds as well as enjoying the company of different mind sets. I enjoy getting to know a person just for the sake of getting to know them. I no longer assess people nor and I hungry to hear their problems. Not to say that we can't share things about ourselves and our situations, just not for any particular purpose other than get it off our chest and sometimes just to be heard. When I listen to friends I acknowledge that I heard them and always hope the best for them. If they ask for my opinion, I give myself the option to give that opinion or not. It's no longer automatic.
Since this miraculous change occurred, I've become freer with my friends. I've lost a couple friends along the way and I've allowed myself to mourn the loss, but not before acknowledging the lost relationships poisonous affect on my life. I give thanks for being able to recognize unhealthy exchanges between me and my so called friends and I revel in the ability to let those relationships go.
So I urge you to take a closer look at your friendships and the purpose for which your friendships serve. Trust me there is a purpose weather healthy or not. You may want to ask yourself a few questions:
What kind of friend are you?
a. Are you a good listener?
b. Do you always command attention?
c. Are you always the giver of attention?
d. Do you talk about various subjects with your friends or do you mostly talk about yourself?
e. When your friend in talking, do you listen or do you think of other things (like your grocery list)?
f. Whenever your friend brings up a subject, do you allow your friend to lead the discussion or do you take over and turn the discussion back to yourself?
g. Do you and your friends treat each other out sometimes or buy each other gifts?
h. Do you find that you are always the one to treat your friends/buy gifts or vice versa?
I. Do you and your friends take turn initiating planned get-togethers or in-prompt-two meetings?
j. Do you find that you may be the one who always makes the plans or everyone always meets at your house?
These are just a few suggested questions. You may very well have your own questions. Just thought I'd give you a bit of a jump start.
The reason I wanted to talk about friendships here is because we need to realize how much our relationships affect our path to wellness. It is very hard to get well when you are in a state on constant upheaval. You may not realize it because you are used to it. Assess yourself. Do you feel exhausted/drained after talking to or spending time with a friend. It's not healthy to always feel that way. You may want to consider cutting back on time spent with that friend. And if you find yourself where you are getting all of the attention than you may need to ask yourself why you need so much attention and why you are not giving the same attention to your friend.
All of the points that I've brought up so far in this blog are linked together. Learning to love and value yourself is key. When you love yourself your are better equipped to being committed to yourself and your wellness journey. Standing up for yourself in parasitic relationships can easily occur when you learn to love yourself and are committed to yourself.. Even changing ones own parasitic ways can occur when taking an honest, healthy assessment of your relationships with others. See how it works?
This same principle can be applied to any relationship. Don't over do it. Take your time. Don't be afraid to let go of the unhealthy links in your life weather they be friend or foe.
Yes, I believe one of the most difficult things is coming to the realization, that some people literally drain our will to live! The proverbial 'carrying of the bricks' has gone on for so long sometimes, it's as if we know no other way of being or thinking. What a sweet and wonderful day it is when we realize there is another choice!!....Alyce.
ReplyDeleteIndeed, Alyce...indeed. It took many years for me to see how parasitic some of my friendships were. I didn't realize. Even though most of my friendships were toxic, they were still much better than what I had to deal with at home. And what makes a parasite successful is when they latch onto the host friend's need to be needed. And there you have it...
DeleteI am so glad that my eyes have been opened. It is a sweet and wonderful day. :-)