For the past few weeks even up until yesterday I have been on an emotional high. Everyday filled with promise and every evening marked the end of a very productive and successful day. Today I'm on a low. I woke up this way. I'm feeling uneasy and filled with self doubt, even regret for some of the projects I started last week. I pulled myself out of bed and begrudgingly went on with my day. What I really wanted to do was crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head. I probably would have if I didn't have my son to look after.
I've been doing so well for the past few months. Damn! I want to keep the good going, but I'm starting to numb out. I wonder what triggered it this time. Well, good news...I'm not going to starve myself today and there's not much in my pantry to trigger or contribute to a binge. Depending on how strong the pull, I may dig deep to find that one self soothing tidbit. I already have my night snack ready. I feel a little better just knowing what it's going to be. I am so glad I don't have any of my old favorite snacks lying around. I even got rid of the stuff that was in the freezer for fear that I would thaw it all out in a desperate moment.
This feeling comes and it goes. I think this is the longest I've been okay since starting the recovery process. Typically I don't like to talk about it and that's why I haven't talked about it, but I guess I need to get it off my chest and out of my head. I've worked so hard to face my emotions, wanting to be brave and standing firm until I crumble into a quivering mess. I've been good about pulling it together and keeping it together most days. I'm having to remind myself that the peace I felt is real and I know it will come back.
I really have this feeling. It's like fighting some sort of gravitational pull. That proverbial tug at my shirt tail just as I start to take flight. There's that throbbing fear of freedom as in becomes ever more present in my life.
The only thing I can think of is my fear of losing weight, exposing myself to attention that I'm not able to handle well. It's also the anniversary of the time shortly after my mom's passing. I was left to take care of my dad who took great pleasure in inflicting emotional pain as much as possible every chance he got. My mom was no longer around and he needed to have a victim. Okay...enough of that.
I feel good about what I cooked for dinner tonight. It wasn't much. I have a little left over jambalaya, so I thought I'd make a few salmon cakes to go with it. I'm cutting diary out of my son's diet because it seems to irritate his gut. So I made my salmon cakes gluten free and dairy free. This is a first. I'm an egg baby and have always put egg in fritters, meat cakes, burgers and the like. As a matter of fact, I made burgers last week and didn't use egg or flour. They turned out to be quite delicious and my son's gut did not get irritated.
There is a ray of sunshine in the fog. I know this bad feeling will end as it has a thousand times before. So today has been a little bit of a low. I'm glad I decided to write about it. I'm feeling a little better than I did earlier.
Continuing to fight this fight.
By the way...I still did my workout Saturday night. My mind tried to talk me out of it because my son and I participated in the walk earlier that day. I made up my mind the night before that I was not going to let anything get in the way of my usual workout routine. I pray my willpower can hold up.
Onward and Upward!
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