Spring has sprung again. It seems a bit too soon for me. I was just wondering what happened to winter when I noticed the trees in my front yard are starting to bud. What did happen to winter? Is it just me, or does is seem winter lasted for approximately 2 weeks?
I wanted to start writing again in February, but I didn't have the energy. I was dealing with my son's impaction issues. I also had to deal with the discovery that my son adopted my old way of eating. No matter how much of an effort I made to make sure he had a normal eating schedule he still found my unhealthy regimen more favorable. How do you cope with discovering that you've given your child a foundation for developing an eating disorder? What can I say...I am guilty as charged. Now I've got to figure out how to right this wrong.
It's not all my fault and I'm not just saying that out of a guilty conscious. My son was a preemie and diagnosed failure to thrive due to gut malabsorption issues. He had to consume massive quantities of calories just to register on the infant/toddler growth chart. I never worried about his food consumption as long as he had a healthy diet. He still has a healthy diet, but his love of snacking has gotten out of control.
Starting around December, I noticed that my son eating little during the day, a small meal at dinner and a snack before bed. I thought his wanting smaller meals was due to intestinal issues. Made since to me. What I didn't know was that he's gorging out on snacks in between meals and late night. I discovered this pattern while investigating possible causes for frequent gut impactions. This behavior had to stop. He was making himself sick because his gut can't take that kind of consumption. I had to figure out a way to get him to understand what he's doing is hurting him. If you don't already know, my son is autistic. He's considered to be on the sever side. His professional team tells me what I've accomplished with him is remarkable and there are even moments when it's hard to tell that he's disabled. Nonetheless, I've really got my work cut out for me. I had to do a lot of praying and searching for answers.
I could have easily set up an appointment with my son's GI specialist. They would have examined him, upped his medications and little else. I don't want that for him. I want to know the cause, which for some reason doctors don't like to look for, at least not until symptoms become severe. I wasn't willing to wait for that.
Erasing Years of Being a Bad Example 
Where do I begin? Part of me wants to kick myself for not taking my disorder more seriously and trying harder to recover earlier. Part of me wants to purchase a cabinet and a padlock so I can lock away all snacks. That's hard and harsh. Isn't it enough that we have to overcome some many trials or obstacles?! Often times there's so little enjoyment outside of each other's company, the company of a few friends and food. I can't bare to take away one of the few joys he has. I also can't bare watching him kill himself with the very thing that brings him the most joy or making him feel deprived. Whew... Talk about your emotional roller coaster. Okay, so I came up with an inventory of things to work on:
1. Maintain safe comfortable environment - Don't freak out. Stay calm and level headed. Introduce dialog about health issues along with visual aids. Begin removal of snack that trigger binging. Replace trigger snacks with healthier alternatives. Keep snack cabinet and make desired amount of pre-measured snacks available.
2. Continue to encourage choices even when choices are limited.
3. Be a good example - Part of being a good example is being aware that your child is always watching you even if it's not obvious. Make it point to give them something healthy to see.
I don't generally like eating at the dinner table largely due to my past. I've put my past in it's place and began eating meals with my son instead of in front of my computer. Every evening we will sit down at the table and eat our meal. I wasn't sure if my son would be receptive to the idea. We usually eat all of our meals in front of our computers. Bad...bad...bad example. Turned out that he rather enjoys eating dinner together and often comes in to help me set up for dinner when the meal is almost done. Wow! I admit, I enjoy it also. It's nice to share a meal with someone who is not berating me about how much or how little I am eating. Hmmm.
Note to self: Past pain not only effects you, it effects your children too. Be wise and work on self so that you can be your best self for you and your family.
4. Continue to encourage small bites and proper chewing - Taking smaller bites and chewing food properly aides healthy digestion. While monitoring my son I found he pushed his food to the roof of his mouth, chewed once or twice and then swallowed. Which means, most of his food went down almost whole. Not good.
5. Be patient - It will all come together soon. This problem didn't start overnight and it's not going to end overnight. Take your time. All is not lost.
There you have it. These are the basics for my groundwork towards undoing a very bad habit so I can make room for a healthier lifestyle for all.
Don't get mad at yourself. Be encouraged. Admitting that I've made mistakes is part of my healing process. Working towards correcting those mistakes is what makes me stronger and what inspires me to try harder.
I can't help but think of something my mom used to say to me all the time. Be careful what you do because someone is always watching. I don't think I've taken those words more seriously than I have in the past two moths.
I'm just starting to get over some of the guilt of my actions causing my child to engage in behavior that was hurting him. That's a very hard pill to swallow, but it is also the wake up call I needed during a time when I'd usually give up on myself.
It's March and all is well. My son's gut has not been impacted since the changes we've made. Always mutating into perfection I say... There have only been a couple days that I've had to give him a little more medicine for his gut, but that's usually after eating a heavy meal out. My son is adjusting well to having pre-measured snacks. He's also starting to make better decision about what snack he want and when. There are times, when I find him trying to double up on snacks, but I continue to encourage him not to eat out of habit, but only eat when hungry. I thinks some of what I'm saying is really starting to sink in. I'm pretty sure my son is becoming more aware of how food makes him feel, especially when he overeats.
This balancing act has given me a whole new appreciation for my efforts to recover. I'm so thankful that I am making the effort. I'm even more thankful that I have not given up.
I have been exercising regularly since September 2014. In the past I've given up right around the 3rd month or so. I am working towards my 6th month of exercising consistently. This is huge. I am also happy to report that I continue to lose weight. Slow and steady wins the race. I am not living a life of depravity. I eat healthy portions of foods that I enjoy eating. Living gluten free has freed us from eating many starchy foods like breads and pastas. We also have cut back on rice, but when we want a rice like dish I make quinoa, which is a delicious alternative and packed with protein. In recent months we've cut back on dairy which seems to be working to our benefit.
My glucose, cholesterol and vitamin levels are all in normal range. My blood pressure has dropped from a consistent 218-225/100-110 range to being 125/80. Onward and Upward!!
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